[sobo555]

I have been dating my boyfriend for about 3 years. The relationship is very serious and marriage is in the future. However there is one issue that I am searching for come advice or guidance on. We bought a house together and are living together for over one year now. Our sex has always been great and often. However over the past 9 months or so the sex slowly became less and less and now its been three months since we have had any sex or foreplay! We have talked about the issue over and over. The conversation and conclusion initially was that we both have low sex drives. Then we both concluded with excuses like he works 2-10pm and I work 8-4... and our time schedules are just off. The excuses were made by the two of us. Then the most recent conversation he explained that past relationships were all about sex and this relationship is different. I believe him but I also think it was an excuse. I personally think that sex is an important part of a relationship. People have told me that I need to initiate but now that its been so long I am almost adjusted to not having sex. Our relationship is still very passionate, we cuddle, we do make out, we hold hands. It is clear the passion is still present and we are not just roomates or bestfriends. We communicate often and openly. I don't question whether he is faithful. I just question what the deal is? We both went to college and have our stories, and there is no history of a lack of sex drive for either of us. Any advice or guidance on how to spice things up? I wish I could say it was just him, however I think that my motivation is slowly losing energy as well! Any advice or suggestions on how to get the sex drive and bedroom play back in motion??

[xcarleex]

Sounds like you have a good relationsip:) , and a good understanding of each other.
But you do need to sit down and communicate about this because you obviously don't know what he's thinking or feeling about about not being intimate,
The more you make excuses or avoid mentioning the subject the more its going to bother you.

If you don't talk about it then perhaps try aproaching it in a different way, and spice things up in the bedroom.. :p show that your willing to make the effort, if he meets you half way.

Maybe suggest going to an adult shop or looking for ideas on the internet.
Barbrakelly is a good site!
I hope this helps

[sobo555]

Thanks for the advice! I feel relieved that my boyfriend and I both are lacking the drive, however that doesn't fix anything. I will check out that site asap! Thanks again for the feedback!

[xcarleex]

Or you could get some viagra asap lol :p

[Synnen]

Have you tried having a "date Night"?

Yeah, I know... scheduled sex is no fun. WRONG! The anticipation the whole week can make it VERY fun.

Sometimes when couples have a ton of responsibilities, and have weird work shifts, this might be the only thing that jump starts things in the bedroom. You don't even have to leave home. Your "date" could be watching a movie in the living room, having a nice dinner in the dining room (with candles and tablecloth and everything!), or giving each other erotic massages in the bedroom.

I really recommend the book "101 Nights of Great Romance". It's kind of a use-once book--it has pages you tear out on each date and ideas for the next date. We took turns setting it up (there are male and female sections to choose from)... and after a while it became a LOT easier to come up with stuff on our own.

[sobo555]

I am going to check into the book ASAP! I had to laugh when you used the term "date night". We have them often however I usually fall asleep early, or we end up playing a game and get so into and before I know it it's really late and we both fall alseep! The last time we "planned to have sex" the anticipation was great, however I got sick from dinner... literally sick! :)

[Synnen]

I should mention that in our household, date night is sacred.

No other plans, no chores, no bill paying, nothing but focusing on each other. Of course, if you're the one who is setting it up, you can cook dinner or whatever... but you shouldn't be scrubbing the bathtub that night.

I love that book, you know. Some of the suggestions are things like putting a note in your lover's car (or purse, or backpack or whatever) every day for a week with a thought about your upcoming date, or my favorite--sending a picture to your husband at work (careful not to do this on a work email!) of something naughty but not blatant. I actually slipped a photo into his briefcase of the new teddy that I bought for the date and told him where it was once he got to work. Again--you have to be careful to make sure that this isn't something that gets caught by his boss or co-workers!

[sobo555]

Well I just ordered it from Amazon so I will be excited to check it out! I hope that it gets me motivated! I think that life gets so busy sometimes the LAST thing I want is to have sex, and it shouldn't be a "to do" sounds like that book has some great tips that take the "to do" out of it! Thanks again!

[Gemini54]

Sometimes living together and doing all the daily things that overfill our lives can mean that sex falls to the bottom of the priority heap. If both people have different schedules, or their need for sex is not great, then sex can become a distant, if pleasant, memory.

I think that sex is important in a relationship, very important. It’s a way of connecting that talking or cuddling or otherwise being together does not give us. Sex is not just a physical act, it connects us emotionally and spiritually to our partner.

Having said all that I don’t that that quantity is all that important (although to some people obviously it is and it does wax and wane over the term of a relationship). I think that quality is important and Synnen’s idea of the ‘book’ is great to get you motivated.

It's good to be able to play with these things and keep them in perspective. Good on you for taking the initiative before things petered out completely!

[sobo555]

Thank you for your response! It really is comforting knowing that I am not crazy... and it is common. I know that its important to make some changes, however its nice to know that it is somewhat natural!