[andip]

I separated from my husband earlier this year basically due to breakdown in communication and life dealing us some bad blows, during this time we continued to live under the same roof due to financial reasons, and on a few occasion my husband did try a reconcilliation which I rejected at the time We are now back together and working things out but after 9 weeks of separation my husband started seeing someone else,I suspected this and he did tell me he had met someone and she was going through the same they were just "talking" I was absolutely heartbroken he could even think about this so soon after 9 years and 2 children together, I immediately told him to leave and he went straight to her house staying the whole weekend until I asked him to come and talk, when he came back he was devastated that he had upset me so much but still left me crying and went back to hers ,I rang him again and asked him to come home he did eventually come home but still had not told this women they were over until I insisted he rang her in front of me,I spoke to this women and they had only been seeing each other a week,I could not believe she would be so upset over smeone she had just met,my problem now is I can't seem to get over the fact he could be with another women so soon and that he hesitated when I asked him to come back, was it really a hard choice between his wife or a women he had known a week,Im confused any advice or thoughts please.

[redhed35]

Have you both been to councilling? If not perhaps its something you both should consider...

If your back together now and trying to work things out,you need to keep talking.

Your relationship has changed,if its for the better or worse will depend on your resolve to work out the problems.

You can't change what has happened,what's done is done... its easy for me to say forgive,but its harder to do...

If you want things to work out between you,this is going to be YOUR road block,and if you can't find a way through it,it will hamper if not stop all the healing process.

Talk talk talk.. its the only way...

However, there may come a time when you may realise that this is a deal breaker for you and can't continue with the marriage.

[Gemini54]

Well, I'm going to be a bit harsh here.

He wanted to reconcile – you rejected (your words) this approach. When you found out he'd been seeing someone else, you threw him out. You then wanted him back and he came back. He left again (and you haven't told us the whole story here), and then he came back at your urging and you made him ring her and tell her it was over.

Whew. You've really got him jumping to your commands haven't you? No wonder he hesitated to come back.

[SVImager]

For God sake lady, Make up your mind.

You are confused and he is confused.
Give him a break.

Must decide together to fix problems and do not let the circumstances dictate how you feel for each other.

DUH!! He still LOVE you. You are just confusing the heck out of him. Seek counseling.

[andip]

Thanks for your replies no I haven't told the whole story basically because its too long and suppose it does look a bit black and white because of how its written, it all started when my husband lost his job and During this I had to abort a baby we would have loved to have but because of our financial situation and the dark place my husband had sunk into we decided together this would be best, straight after my abortion I had to go back to work full time to support my family before I had even got my head around what I had just done, He never spoke to me about how I was feeling at the time as he was too upset over his own loss, I had the impression all along that we would at least try to work things out and he knew I still loved him but I was really confused of all that had happened in such a short space of time and my feelings for our relationship because of this(thats why I rejected him because I didn't want to give him faulse hope,I just needed time my husband knows me and knows I would have left with the kids If our marriage was dead)yes it was cheaper at the time to stay living together although if it were that bad we both had places to go to but none of us did(hopefully you can see why this relationship was not over by a long shot) basically nothing had changed much in our day to day relationship and my husband even said that to me,we still ate as a family and slept in the same bed most nights and cuddled, It's the anger over him running away and jumping into bed with another women when I kept my own feelings, hurt and pressures to myself in case I hurt him, I can't help feeling he used the temporary glitch in our marriage to have sex with someone else, and just a week earlier he had all these feelings for me now I just feel a little insecure knowing how quick he can turn them feelings off.

[andip]

Also I don't think Insisting my husband tells this other women what's happening is making him jump through hoops, it wasn't fair on her either and deserved to know, Wouldn't you question why if you had got back together with your husband after a separation he didn't end it with the other women first

[SVImager]

...I can't help feeling he used the temporary glitch in our marriage to have sex with someone else, and just a week earlier he had all these feelings for me now I just feel a little insecure knowing how quick he can turn them feelings off.

He still Loves you.
He didn't stop Loving you.
He made a mistake.
He did something real stupid.

Now, "decide"... IF you and your husband are going to get through this all time low period of your life OR quit and give up and start anew with another guy with another set of issues.

If you don't want to start Anew, you have to get over it... and Forgive.
Forgiving him is releasing yourself to move forward (to grow together again or to grow apart)

Definitely Leave him, if he is a serial cheater.

[Gemini54]

Thanks for clarifying things a bit more...

If you care about him, and he does for you, then let it go. Do you want your marriage to continue? Does he?

Sex and love are two different things - he may have had a week's lusty sex with someone but that doesn't mean that he loved her. It just means he had a release from the loss and unhappiness that had been part of your marriage.

Red is right - start talking and stop worrying. Get it all out into the open and tell each other what's going on.

If it means going to a counselor to save your marriage then do it.

[Cat1864]

I think you both need to think about marriage counseling to deal with the events that lead up to your separation as well as what happened during it.

Communication is a key point and so is trust. Neither of those are easy to rebuild when something damages them. However, if you believe that you can work together to rebuild the marriage, then it is going to take hard work and mutual cooperation.

To be honest, from what you have written, I don't think it was the woman that he had the 'relationship' with, but the personification of what he was going through. She was someone who could understand what he was having trouble dealing with by himself. If you both try to be open and honest about your feelings (positive and negative) and listen to what the other person feels, I don't think he will want to 'stray' again.

[Fr_Chuck]

Either be together , go to counseling and work at it.

Or move out and move one.

But do, 2 months, I am surprised he was not at least dating after 2 weeks, after he tried to get back and you said no, if he would have asked advice her, most would have said to move on and get over you.
** well also move out

[andip]

Thanks for all your replys they have helped and just confirmed a few things I thought anyway.
We do love each other and Im sure we will work it out, don't get me wrong I haven't been on his case all the time about (maybe a little insecure)I just needed help dealing with the thoughts and images going through my mind,he is not a serial cheater Im pretty sure of that but has been known to stretch the truth on more than a few occasions.Also I didn't mention that another reason I rejected him was hew seemed to be coping so well, going out all the time getting drunk (which I put down to his way of desling with it) he just seemed quite happy and for a time I honestly didn't think he cared for me as I did,

You have all been great so thanks for your comments even the not so good ones,although I know the mistakes I made in all of this it has helped to hear them from other people.x

[Cat1864]

It sounds like you both were in a very dark place. I hope it is behind you now and you can move on as a couple.

Good luck.

[andip]

either be together , go to couseling and work at it.

or move out and move one.

But do, 2 months, I am surprised he was not at least dating after 2 weeks, after he tried to get back and you said no, if he would have asked advice her, most would have said to move on and get over you.
** well also move out

Chuck no offence u don't happen to be either very young or male do u, only life isn't black n white unless you are feeling very bitter yourself.

[andip]

Thanks Cat really appreciate that at the moment!

[Jake2008]

My gut tells me that this is not a marriage that is over.

You have been given some great advice here, and I only want to support the idea of marriage counselling. Your problems, no matter what they are, can be worked out. It is hard work, very hard work, but the payoff will be enormous.

To learn how to deal with all the emotions, really listen to each other, and be able to confidently put the past in the past, will, in the long run, likely make you both stronger, and more committed.

All the best of luck to you.

[2ndTime]

I agree with everyone that you and your husband needs deep counseling. Wish all the best for both of you.