[marjo]

I have always been very insecure and jealous. Recently my husband of 40 yrs told me that he went to a nude bar 25 yrs ago and I cannot stop thinking about it. I was 1000 miles away while he was in Tx staying with an uncle trying to find work. We were losing our home due to his being laid off and in 1980 the job market in In. was gone. Anyway in my mind the fact that he chose t go into this bar with his uncle and a friend tells me that he didn't care about my feelings or me. I can visualize the whole thing and I cry all the time. If I'm not crying I'm screaming at him because I feel that my last 25 yrs have been a lie.Am I crazy.

[BlazingCold]

Did he do anything at the bar? Why did he tell you now? I think you might be blowing this way out of proportion.

[J_9]

Yeah, and...

You need to get over this, really... Did he do anything?

Nudie bars are places where men hang out so that they do not have the influence of the women in their lives hovering over them. It is a guy hang out.

I used to work in one. Most of the men I saw there, and waited on (I was a waitress) were there only to have "guy conversation" They were not there to pick up women.

This was 25 years ago!! Has he done it recently? Does he do it often? Does he spend all of your money there? Are you still married? He comes home to you?

He was in a dire situation trying to look for work to help support you... He needed some "guy time." Nothing wrong with that.

Although my hubby won't go with his friends anymore, comes home dutifully after work, I wish he would go out with the guys every once in a while. It is a major stress reliever just to have "guy time." That is the only place us women usually will not bother them.

He just needed some time to unwind, relax, get the stress of almost losing the house and everything else off his mind. If he did not have an affair I would not be worried.

[JoeCanada76]

Way overreaction. There is no betrayel here. Past is the past.

If you let something like this ruin you and your relationship then it was not that strong in the first place.

Joe

[chuff]

I have always been very insecure and jealous. Recently my husband of 40 yrs told me that he went to a nude bar 25 yrs ago and I cannot stop thinking about it.
I was 1000 miles away while he was in Tx staying with an uncle trying to find work. We were losing our home due to his being laid off and in 1980 the job market in In. was gone. Anyway in my mind the fact that he chose t go into this bar with his uncle and a friend tells me that he didn't care about my feelings or me.

This man devoted 40 years of his life to you and you think he doesn't care about you or your feelings? I've got to be honest. That's a pretty damn selfish thing to say. This man obviously loves you beyond what words can describe to stay with someone for 40 years.

I can visualize the whole thing and I cry all the time. If I'm not crying I'm screaming at him because I feel that my last 25 yrs have been a lie. Am I crazy.

Hell yes you are. The one that's crazy is your husband for putting up with this type of behavior. And the reaction you're giving him is the exact reason he didn't tell you sooner. Your own actions and behaviors have kept this man from opening up to you. In the 40 years did he ever go to a bachelor party? Strip clubs are always the number one place men go to for bachelor parties. Has he seen a nude woman on television or in a movie in the 40 years? I guarantee you he has. You are completely blowing this out of proportion? To be honest, you're very lucky to have a guy that puts up with this type of behavior.

[talaniman]

How come you think the worst? Why can't you believe his uncle was trying to cheer him up? I suggest you stop being crazy and get over it.40 years?? Are you crazy? Hasn't he been through enough?

[marjo]

I have always been very insecure and jealous. Recently my husband of 40 yrs told me that he went to a nude bar 25 yrs ago and I cannot stop thinking about it. I was 1000 miles away while he was in Tx staying with an uncle trying to find work. We were losing our home due to his being laid off and in 1980 the job market in In. was gone. Anyway in my mind the fact that he chose t go into this bar with his uncle and a friend tells me that he didn't care about my feelings or me. I can visualize the whole thing and I cry all the time. If I'm not crying I'm screaming at him because I feel that my last 25 yrs have been a lie.Am I crazy.

Are you all saying that you really don't think it had anything to do with caring about me? We have been married 47 yrs but now I feel like I don't know him. He didn't do anything with a girl that I know of and he told me because I asked him when we were discussing nude bars. We've had a good marriage until I became obsessed about this incident about 3 months ago and now we're both talking divorce.

[talaniman]

Are you all saying that you really don't think it had anything to do with caring about me?

I don't think it had any thing to do with you at all. I also hope you can see it for what it is 'Nothing to worry about' and get over it. Once he sees your under control I think that he'll calm down too.

We've had a good marriage until I became obsessed about this incident about 3 months ago and now we're both talking divorce.

Think you may owe him a BIG apology?

[marjo]

This man devoted 40 years of his life to you and you think he doesn’t care about you or your feelings? I’ve got to be honest. That’s a pretty damn selfish thing to say. This man obviously loves you beyond what words can describe to stay with someone for 40 years.


Hell yes you are. The one that’s crazy is your husband for putting up with this type of behavior. And the reaction you’re giving him is the exact reason he didn’t tell you sooner. Your own actions and behaviors have kept this man from opening up to you. In the 40 years did he ever go to a bachelor party? Strip clubs are always the number one place men go to for bachelor parties. Has he seen a nude woman on television or in a movie in the 40 years? I guarantee you he has. You are completely blowing this out of proportion? To be honest, you’re very lucky to have a guy that puts up with this type of behavior.

Thank you. And I agree I am being selfish because I can't bear the thought that he didn't really care about hurting me. How do I get over this?

[chuff]

Are you all saying that you really don't think it had anything to do with caring about me?

He spent 40 or 47 years with you. You don't think that's proof of caring. The fact that you even have to ask that is insulting me, so I can't imagine what it must be like for your husband. He deserves a lot better than your treating him.

We have been married 47 yrs but now I feel like I don't know him.

Because of this? Because he went to a bar 25 years ago. Give me a break.

He didn't do anything with a girl that I know of and he told me because I asked him when we were discussing nude bars. We've had a good marriage until I became obsessed about this incident about 3 months ago and now we're both talking divorce.

I'm almost tempted to ask if this is a hoax. This CAN NOT be happening? You can not seriously tell me your divorcing over him going to a strip club 25 years ago. Holy f***ing S**t!? I don't even know what to say to that. That's just pathetic.

I remember my ex girlfriend went to a bachelorette party where there were male strippers. I asked her all about it and laughed the whole time. I never once thought she was cheating on me. Let me be clear, I knew she going to see strippers before she left that night and I didn't care. It's a show. It's entertainment. It's not a big deal.

Those strippers could walk past him at the mall tomorrow and he wouldn't even recognize them. He doesn't even remember them. Your willing to give up you marriage over that?

You seriously need to see a marriage counceler and you personally need to see a councelor. Realisitically at my age I will not have a 40 or 50 year marriage like my grandparents did but if I was blessed with such a gift, I certainly would not be throwing it away over a night at a bar 25 years ago.

You are so wrong and your husband is right. What's worse is there shouldn't even be an argument or disagreement in the first place. Now this is leading to divorce?

I'm truly speachless by this.

[chuff]

Thank you. And I agree I am being selfish because I can't bear the thought that he didn't really care about hurting me. How do I get over this?

I don't know... I really don't. I don't know why you would have even given it a second thought. To me there is nothing to get over.

All I can think of is focusing on a man, and god damn it I mean a real man who must really care enough about you to put of with this and devote almost 50 years of his life to you. If that can't put a smile on your face and light your heart than maybe he deserves better.

[J_9]

Originally Posted by marjo
I can't bear the thought that he didn't really care about hurting me.

He did not care that he was hurting you because he did not KNOW he was hurting you. This was 25 years ago!! That is a quarter of a century ago!! He was probably trying to rid himself of some of the pressure he was under. He may have thought he was a failure for losing his job, almost losing his home. Give him a break!!

There is nothing you can do to change the past. But you can change the future.

Do you want to wallow in the self pity of the past or change your future to be happy? It is all up to you.

Your husband did nothing wrong. I wish mine would go out and have fun with the guys, whether it was hunting, fishing, or a nudie bar!! Just HAVE FUN!! I know who he is coming home to.

If you continue on this path of destruction it will be you who ruins the marriage, not him. He did this 25 years ago. Nudie bars 25 years ago were NOTHING like they are now. Like I said, that was almost one quarter of a century ago. You have been with him almost a half of a century. Are you willing to let all that time go because of insecurities that are unfounded? If you keep on this path, you will.

Marjo, there really is nothing to get over. He did nothing wrong. So what if he had a few beers at a Ti**y bar? Does that mean he had an affair on you? I don't think so. From all the guys I saw where I used to work 15 years ago most of them didn't even look at the girls. They were there to shoot the bull with the guys where they knew the girlfriends and wives would not venture to go. No pressure from the women of their lives.

[Skell]

Whao,

You asked and ill answer. Yes, I think you are crazy.

You already have great answers here.

Get over it. This is absurd you feeling like this!

25 years ago and really he did nothing wrong anyway. These places are nothing. They are boring. He couldn't have enjoyed it too much as he hasn't been back.

You have some massive issues that you need to address. Good luck!

[talaniman]

If my wife (32 years) wanted to get mad about something that happened 25 years ago, I'd leave until she got over it. Apologize and tell him how dumb you acted. Haven't you done a few things in your life you were not proud of? Why make nothing into a big mountain between you. I think you have other issues you need to face.

[J_9]

Sheesh, I wish my man would go out to the nudie bars with the guys once in a blue moon!!

Might spice up the relationship!! ;)

No I am not a jealous person at all!!

[rkim291968]

Dear Marjo:


I don't want to be insensitive to your feeling but unless there are other issues between you and your husband, you are way overreacting to something that happened 25 years ago. Perhaps, to get over it, how about going to nudie bar together and have a laugh? Life is too short to feel the way you do and I think you would know that already. Peace. :-)

[GermanSoccerGrl1]

I have always been very insecure and jealous. Recently my husband of 40 yrs told me that he went to a nude bar 25 yrs ago and I cannot stop thinking about it. I was 1000 miles away while he was in Tx staying with an uncle trying to find work. We were losing our home due to his being laid off and in 1980 the job market in In. was gone. Anyway in my mind the fact that he chose t go into this bar with his uncle and a friend tells me that he didn't care about my feelings or me. I can visualize the whole thing and I cry all the time. If I'm not crying I'm screaming at him because I feel that my last 25 yrs have been a lie.Am I crazy.

I am sure he is really sry and you will need your space and time to think about it. This happened 25 years ago you need to reamember that. Screaming at him will not help anything it will only make things worse. I know this would be really heartbreaking to hear and I feel sry for you but don't feel sry 4 yourself. Think of all the great things he has done for you and grow from there.

[marjo]

Most of you are missing the point. The bar isn't the major problem! It's the decision to go into the bar, knowing that it would have hurt me deeply (whether it should have or not is not relevent). He never told me anything and he let me continue to voice my jealousy over girls that were nothing to what he had paid to see. Now I can see him ogling someone and think "he had sexier than that up close and personal." That's what hurts. That and knowing he probably thought of them half the time he was with me. I was ignorant for 25 years is the way I see it.

[rkim291968]

... knowing that it would have hurt me deeply ... he let me continue to voice my jealousy ... I can see him ogling someone and think "he had sexier than that up close and personal." ... That and knowing he probably thought of them half the time he was with me. I was ignorant for 25 years is the way I see it....

You are coming up with reasons to be jealous. All of the above is your interpretation or exaggeration ("thought of them half the time he was with me," e.g). You maybe, just may be wrong, don't you think? Don't you hope? It appears to me (and to others based on their reponses) that you are looking for a way to punish your husband and it is hard to believe you are doing that because of one thing that happened 25 years ago. You may have other reasons that you are not admitting or you may just be a jealous person who needs help. Either way, I respectfully think that you need to forgive and forget.

Here's another suggestion. Rather than focusing on the incident, think about 100 things your husband did to make you happy. How many times did he hug you, brought flowers, listened to your nagging without snapping back at you, etc.. :D If you can't think of anything he did for you, then he does have an issue, eh? :mad:

[talaniman]

Most of you are missing the point. The bar isn't the major problem! It's the decision to go into the bar, knowing that it would have hurt me deeply (whether it should have or not is not relevent). He never told me anything and he let me continue to voice my jealousy over girls that were nothing to what he had paid to see. Now I can see him ogling someone and think "he had sexier than that up close and personal." That's what hurts. That and knowing he probably thought of them half the time he was with me. I was ignorant for 25 years is the way I see it.

The problem is not him but you and what you allow yourself to believe. Beside a few hours 25 years ago you have not mentioned not one time before or after this incident where he has done anything wrong, so you cannot forgive one time he may have made a mistake. You have allowed your jealousy to cloud your judgement to the point your sounding like a raving lunatic and this behavior cannot be healthy for you or your relationship. If you cannot change your attitue yourself then please find a professional who can help you get over your jealousies and insecurities. Nothing you have said here can justify your bad behavior so I hope you recognise the illogical stance you have taken and get help.