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couragesmiles · Oct 15, 2009, 06:31 PM

Is it a red flag if my off/on boyfriend continues to email, call and flirt with his ex wife? He recently send her a couple of emails to remind her her birthday was coming then to wish her a happy birthday. He flirts with her in the emails. I feel untrusting and don't know if to leave him for once and for all. I have been with him for two years off then on, but we never progress... What do I do?

paxe · Oct 15, 2009, 06:39 PM

Communication is the key. Talk to him about your trust issues and see what he has to say. Maybe he is flirting with her, maybe it is just your point of view. A relationship doesn't work if there is no truth. And by the way, boyfriend of 2 years on/off that's a big no no for me, if it didn't work once, why will it work again?

Survivor07 · Oct 15, 2009, 07:00 PM

I would need to know more about his relationship with the ex before I'd call it a red flag, but it is a legitimate concern.

Once you've done what Paxe suggested and talked about this and you are still finding that your relationship is bringing you unhappiness, maybe you should consider moving on.

I'm curious as to why he would still be communicating with the ex at all. Do they share children? If so, maybe he's trying to maintain a friendship for the kids' sake.

The red flags I see: On/Off boyfriend

couragesmiles · Oct 15, 2009, 07:36 PM

Thank you for answering... He has no children with her. They used to fight a lot.

He drinks a lot and that is one of the main factors when we argue. We have talked many times about trust,and other issues in the relationship. When ever it is brought up he dismisses it with saying that the subject is too heavy. I have told him to let me go but he comes back.. I answer his calls and go out thinking it will be different and that I will be happy but obviously I am left with an empty and untrusting feeling about us.

Am I too heavy instead of taking things lite??

How do I truly let go?

redhed35 · Oct 16, 2009, 08:27 AM

Can you eleborate on your relationship?

Is he married or with someone else?

If you yourself can see the red flags, and are not happy with this man,perhaps its time to call it a day.

amicon · Oct 16, 2009, 08:45 AM

Time to call it a day-too much alcohol and no real communication-two MAJOR red flags. Let this go.

Survivor07 · Oct 16, 2009, 08:58 AM

Wanting to discuss any matter that is important to you shouldn't be dismissed as "you're too heavy". The red flags are he can't communicate, you don't trust him and he drinks too much leading to arguments with you. Sounds like letting go shouldn't be too difficult. Some time apart may prove that. Try it. Maybe the idea of being alone is what's keeping you with him. You aren't happy and he's unwilling to work on the problems. Seems like a dead end.

I wish · Oct 16, 2009, 09:45 AM

Threads merged. Please keep all questions regarding the same issue in the same thread.

It looks like you're forcing a relationship with him. Do you not realize that there are more than 6 billion other people in this world?

Jake2008 · Oct 16, 2009, 10:42 AM

That he is still involved with his ex wife in my opinion, is the biggest red flag of all.

He should be working on his relationship with you.

In your opinion, what needs to change, and how do you think you can go about affecting change.

Seems this relationship is in a rut.

talaniman · Oct 16, 2009, 07:18 PM

How do I truly let go?

By getting rid of this unfeeling drunk, once and for all. Then you won't have to argue, and ignore the red flags waving all over the place.

J_9 · Oct 16, 2009, 07:25 PM

Originally Posted by couragesmiles

Is it a red flag if my off/on boyfriend continues to email, call and flirt with his ex wife?

Your first sentence was a red flag to me. Either he's your boyfriend or he's not. There is no such thing as "off/on."

jmjoseph · Oct 16, 2009, 07:32 PM

Is he an alcoholic? What happens when he gets drunk exactly? Is he violent?

How is the ex-wife acting when all of the flirtatious behavior takes place? Is she receptive?

May I ask how you know the contents of his e-mails?

You are "untrusting", has he done other things? Has he cheated?

For him to be in correspondence with her is unnecessary, seeing how there are no children. And the flirting is crossing the line.

Why are you having trouble with this decision to leave him?

Is he someone you can see spending the rest of your life with?

artlady · Oct 16, 2009, 07:34 PM

I am friends with my ex but there is a line that should not be crossed.We are friend's if we need to communicate about our adult son,we have no other reason to be in touch.
What is their reason?

rockie100 · Oct 16, 2009, 07:41 PM

A person that has a addiction, alcohol in this case, has a problem moving on in most aspects of life. This could be why you argue. You know that it causes your relationship with him to be unheathly. And yes, Red Flag city. Ask him if he would like to get some help. If he won't, Id move on. Wouldn't it be nice not to have to sit and worry and wonder?