[triste]

My son is 23 years old and married to a nice, but very immature girl who can not separate from her mother and vice versa. My son's mother-in-law is the type of woman who would suck the life out of men but has very few female friends and gets involved in her daughter's love life, etc. She does not set boundaries as a parent. My daughter-in-law does not want to include our family despite our many attempts to include and be thoughtful to her.

My concern here is that my son and his wife have been married just over a year and that he constantly calls his mother-in-law for help in dealing with his wife. That is a dangerous practice. I believe that his wife may be depressed and not willing to face the regular realities of life. She does not want to continue working, watches TV and video in her spare time, demands that my son makes her lunch, etc. I pray that they can go to a good counselor to heal their marriage.

I have been trying to transition the relationship that my son and I have into more of a "friends" relationship, but he seems stuck in the mode of me being "mom" and not a human being. I have a paralegal degree and he is in law school - we have this in common and he used to talk with me about such stuff but now rarely does so. I understand that his wife comes first and do not expect to hear from him all of the time. But when he talks to his mother-in-law every day, I feel our relationship slipping away.

How do I support and nurture rthe elationship with my son in the meantime? I will always continue to try and relate to his wife regardless of how she treats me. Is there a good way to approach him about my feelings - it seems that if I just keep being supportive and patient, our relationship will diminish. This is not a case of him trying to get close to his mother-in-law to fit in with the family - too many others have commented that his mother-in-law is too much of a friend and involved instead of being with her own husband. She has history of the same behavior with her daughter's past boyfriends.

Thanks for any input!

[talaniman]

Ask Me Help Desk - Search Results

Given your history its time to let your son be supportive of you and you backing out of his business. So sorry to be the one to say this to you, but he is a man and will have to learn to deal with his reality, without your help. Just be a good listener when he does open up, but keep your comments to yourself, and let him learn at his own pace, trust me he will. He is a man now.

The hardest thing we do as parents is letting our kids go to learn, and grow, without us even though we will worry, and care forever.

I know, I go through the same thing myself, but like MY mom still says, parents will worry about their children, no matter how old they get.

[triste]

Thank you for replying. What can I do to nurture the relationship so that he wants to communicate with me more? He tends to put people analytically into a box and does not deviate. I have tried with small gifts to him and his wife, cards, emails, calls, and shown support for both of them in whatever they do. It is difficult especially because she does not want a relationship with anyone in his family and I am afraid that, down the road, he feel that way also despite my attempts. How do you ask a young adult married son to help restructure your relationship with him? Or is it just wiser to continue my efforts and wait until he is older?