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jendelsol · Sep 25, 2009, 09:06 AM

Why do I lose myself confidence in relationships

artlady · Sep 25, 2009, 09:08 AM

Do you make your partner your priority in your life?
Do you feel less of a person when you are half of a couple?
What makes you think you lose yourself confidence,examples would help to give a complete answer.

kctiger · Sep 25, 2009, 09:59 AM

Because you never had any to begin with. Self confidence isn't a light switch. You don't just lose it immediately after entering into a relationship. Why don't you have self confidence? Are you afraid to be alone?

redhed35 · Sep 25, 2009, 10:01 AM

As artlady said some examples of why you think you lose your confidence would be helpful...

Perhaps childhood fears? You have been cheated on in the past?

The list is endless...

jendelsol · Sep 25, 2009, 11:03 AM

I am perfectly fine when I am alone. I have had periods in my life when I have been alone for a year or two with no relationship and it doesn't bother me. I don't believe that I need to be in a relationship to be complete or to make my life full. I believe in having the right relationship not just someone to fill space. I have a great job, I am smart, pretty, have a great circle of close family and friends. Self confidence usually isn't a problem for me. Of course I make my relationship a priority, its important to me. And yes, I have been cheated on in the past. Something happens to me, not in dating - I have no problem with courtship, it's when I actually fall in love with someone that the anxiety and the fears take over. I am afraid to show my partner just how smart and accomplished a person I am.

kctiger · Sep 25, 2009, 11:11 AM

It sounds to me like you are afraid to be yourself around your partner. Is this correct?

jendelsol · Sep 25, 2009, 11:21 AM

That's probably pretty accurate.

redhed35 · Sep 25, 2009, 11:24 AM

Why dumb it down?

You sound like a confident woman,do you attract confident men?

If you are giving off an air of confidence,a guy with low self esteem is not going to touch you with a barge pole!

Be who you are... thats what they found attractive in the first place.

A confident man likes a confident woman,someone on par with their own intellect... dont dumb it down,be proud, be strong... you have achieved something in your life,be proud of your achievements.. and if he does not like it,his loss... just say bye bye and shout NEXT!

kctiger · Sep 25, 2009, 11:28 AM

I am almost thinking you are just very humble and perhaps the type of women you attract or go for aren't as successful as you are. Correct me if I am wrong here. Do you feel that by being yourself you would come off as arrogant?

artlady · Sep 25, 2009, 11:35 AM

Originally Posted by redhed35

why dumb it down?

you sound like a confident woman,do you attract confident men?

if you are giving off an air of confidence,a guy with low self esteem is not going to touch you with a barge pole!

be who you are...thats what they found attractive in the first place.

a confident man likes a confident woman,someone on par with their own intellect...dont dumb it down,be proud, be strong...you have achieved something in your life,be proud of your achievments..and if he does not like it,his loss...just say bye bye and shout NEXT!

That is all so true and a strong self assured man will truly appreciate a successful woman.

jendelsol · Sep 25, 2009, 11:37 AM

I have plenty of confidence when I am single, so I start dating confident men, who then leave me for not being a confident woman. I always date guys who are very confident and successful, most own their own business or some equivalent - more so than I am. I think it's a hope it will rub off on me. I don't know why I am afraid to be myself I think that is what I am trying to figure out - is what causes that. My friends and co-workers don't even recognize the needy co-denpendent person that I become when I get into a relationship. Yes I have plenty of years being a smart girl and guys like the dumb girls with big boobs - which I also have, so its easy to pretend to play dumb. Give people what they expect out of you.

kctiger · Sep 25, 2009, 11:41 AM

Originally Posted by jendelsol

I have plenty of confidence when I am single, so I start dating confident men, who then leave me for not being a confident woman. I always date guys who are very confident and succesful, most own their own business or some equivalent - more so than I am. I think its a hope it will rub off on me. I don't know why I am afraid to be myself I think that is what I am trying to figure out - is what causes that. My friends and co-workers don't even recognize the needy co-denpendent person that I become when I get into a relationship. Yes I have plenty of years being a smart girl and guys like the dumb girls with big boobs - which I also have, so its easy to pretend to play dumb. Give people what they expect out of you.

You give people what you expect out of yourself, and it is up to them if they can accept that or not. You NEVER sacrifice who you are for the pleasure of someone else. It's almost like you dumb yourself down as a social norm that women are supposed to be the needy ones. You seem like you are trying to play the role of "dependent and needy Barbie doll."

jendelsol · Sep 25, 2009, 11:45 AM

Exactly. So how do I get myslef to stop doing that?

jendelsol · Sep 25, 2009, 11:58 AM

Is it possible this stems from my childhood - my relationship with my father as a child or something?

artlady · Sep 25, 2009, 12:06 PM

Originally Posted by jendelsol

Is it possible this stems from my childhood - my relationship with my father as a child or something?

It certainly is a possibility,we are all products of our upbringing to some degree.
Did you feel you had to be a people pleaser with your father in order to glean his love and approval?

jendelsol · Sep 25, 2009, 12:12 PM

I didn't really feel like I ever had his approval as a child. Getting straight A's didn't even seem to matter to him. I got a scholarship to college evn though his attitude was why pay for a girl to go to school? So evenutually I gave up and became my own person and quit looking for his approval. We now have a close relationship but I no longer NEED him for anything and it works much better that way.

artlady · Sep 25, 2009, 08:14 PM

Originally Posted by jendelsol

I didn't really feel like I ever had his approval as a child. Getting straight A's didn't even seem to matter to him. I got a scholarship to college evn though his attitude was why pay for a girl to go to school? So evenutually I gave up and became my own person and quit looking for his approval. We now have a close relationship but I no longer NEED him for anything and it works much better that way.

The only reason I touched on it was because you did,mentioning your Dad.I assume that you see a relationship.

My father was similar,If I got an A why not an A plus .that kind of thing.
I know his mindset was to propel me forward but I did feel like no matter what I did,it wasn't good enough.

He was trying to make me the best I could be and I just felt like I never was.I get it now but when I was younger it made me feel like crap.

You sound bright and you have that great sense to know no man can *complete you* (gag)I abhor that thought.

Introspection will get you smart about who you are and what motivates you but over thinking will get you crazy.

Your cool,I really feel you will do well no matter where you go. I just get that from you :)