[ohsohappy]

I feel like I'm having one of them.
I'm trying to better myself, and things just keep getting in the way.
I feel like every time that happens I just fall backwards.
I just wan tto cry sometimes, and have someone tell me that htings aren't going to stay like this, it's just a phase.
I don't have that.
Maybe I don't need it. I shouldn't NEED anybody to tell me that it's going to get better.
It would really help to have some support though.
I'm tired of feeling like nothing I do is working.
I feel like a failure right now.
It's my own fault, and nobody is MAKING me feel this way.
I'm just in a really bad mindset, and I'm not sure how to get out of it.
I feel like because of these feelings that I'm having, that I'm losing a lot of empathy.
That's not entirely true though, because I really do like to help perople.

There's no real ISSUE, I just feel like crap, really lonely, like I can' tdo anything right, and really down on myself.

How do I fix that? And how do I handle situations better when they arise while I'm feeling like this?

It's like my signature, I've forgotten how to catch the hardball and throw it back. And everything else. HELP?

[simoneaugie]

Life is cyclic, profoundly for women. In order to be on top of the world next week, you have to go down around the bottom this week. Be the best person you are able to be right now. It's passing like the water in a river... Watch it flow away.

[ohsohappy]

Life is cyclic, profoundly for women. In order to be on top of the world next week, you have to go down around the bottom this week. Be the best person you are able to be right now. It's passing like the water in a river...Watch it flow away.

I just feel like this particular chapter in my life is the most difficult hurdle, that I am forever climbing, as as far as I climb, it just seems to get taller, and I just feel like I'm getting smaller. I want to Be on top of it, I wan tto conquer it, but for some reason, it wants to keep growing.
I feel like it's just me. =/

[Clough]

Hi, ohsohappy!

You know, a lot of what you wrote in your original post would make a good song, if re-worded just a bit! I'm not kidding about that!

What sort of good things are presently happening in your life, please?

I too, feel the "climb" as well as the "battle".

Thanks!

[ohsohappy]

Well a lot of it is how I handle my relationship.
I seem to ATTACK whenever I feel like I'm being corrected. I take things personally, I over-react. I wan tto be RIGHT, because I feel like I'm wrong so much of the time, and it's making it worse. And I feel like that's why I'm wrong in the first place. Does that make any sense?

[Clough]

Yes, it makes sense...

What do you think would happen if you waited to respond, if responding at all, when you feel like you're being corrected, please?

Thanks!

[ohsohappy]

I think I do take time to respond, it's just the answer, or even lack of one that doesn't seem to work. And then when I feel like I notice an inconsistency, I point it out, and BAM! It causes a disagreement. And automatically, somehow, I'm not the one handling it correctly.

But it's because I take it SO personally and SO seriously that I just feel like I HAVE to be right. Because Ialways feel like I'm wrong.
I want to not feel like I'm always wrong.

It's like I try to find every foothold to get the upperhand because I HAVE to be right, and it just makes it even worse.

[Clough]

Hi again, ohsohappy!

Please look closely at what I asked in post #6 above. Did you really answer the question that I asked?

Thanks!

[ohsohappy]

I don't think I did, I was just venting.
But the answer seems to be, that if I wait to respond, and think before eI attack, that there's a good chance that I will think more clearly. Thus, not acting on just the trigger and emotions. Maybe If I learn how to do this, I can learn how act around those. That's my main issue, I'm pretty sure, I just get SO emotional and I take things way to personally. That's kind of a challenge though, because I think that's what I'm trying to do. For some reason though it's either one extreme or the other. I either care too much, or I'm entirely indifferent. I'm trying to find that balance, but I keep tilting back in forth.

[Clough]

Here's a couple of things that you can say to others when you feel and think that you had better wait to respond but want to placate the person who is doing the talking.

"I'll have to think about that".

"Probably so..."

My daughter was attacking me on the phone tonight. She's in California. I chose not to do battle with her. I laughed, changed the subject, etc. To do battle with her, just wouldn't have been worth it...

I know, that I'm not in your shoes, though...

Thanks!

[ohsohappy]

It makes sense, but you see, I am the one attacking. I want to find out how I can find the balance between "caring too much" and "not caring at all" This is why it's so difficult. I haven't found that yet, and I'm not sure how. Every time I think I have it figured out, I do it again. I don't know how to really find it, and that's why it hasn't been consistent. It's hard, and I don't want to ruin my relationship because of it.

[Clough]

What are some instances, scenarios if you will, where you might feel like you're being corrected and then go on the "attack", please?

I feel like we're trying to address something that we don't really know here...

Thanks!

[ohsohappy]

Jeez, I'm going to have to think on that one for a bit.

Mostly it's when I disagree with my boyfriend.
I know he means well, but he's not always constructive with the criticism, and I take it as a personal attack. I've tried to explain this to him, but he doesn't seem to understand that the way he does it upsets me. And then I just look for every reason to go off on him and tell him how he's wrong, so that I can feel right for once. I will pick at whatever I can think of to try to gain advantage, so that I feel like I'm not the one under fire. This makes whateve situation it happens to be a hundred times worse. But I just feel so ANGRY at him.

He's a very good boyfriend, other than the way he criticises. He doesn't make suggestions, he just blurts crap out. And I understand exactly what he's talking about, and I KNOW he's not wrong, because I see it too. It's just the way he does it.

It makes me go ARGHHH!!

[Clough]

So, are these problems that you're having, with attacking, only with your boyfriend?

Thanks!

[ohsohappy]

So, are these problems that you're having, with attacking, only with your boyfriend?

Thanks!

Yeah pretty much. I just want to fix the relationship, so that it can be more constructive. I want to learn how to not blow up when I feel like he's being an . Not everything is worth fighting over, but these issues are definitely worth resolving, in my opinion.

I hope you don't think he's just a D**k, because he's really sweet most of the times, but we have had past issues and made mistakes on both ends of the relationship, so we both have some insecurities.

He's trying to work on things the way he knows how, And I'm fighting against him because I take everything personally. So I'm damaging everything more. I will admit that his tactics aren't exactly sympathetically or empathetically sound, but at least he's not looking for excuses to fight. That's where I am wrong, I want to work on that.

[Clough]

Okay, so what are some of the particular issues, please?

I realize that you're doing what you can at the present time. It's evident that you're looking for further "tools" and ways that you can be proactive rather than reactive in your relationship with your boyfriend.

Without knowing particular issues, it's hard to address how to go on now.

Posting even one issue would be good...

It's best to proceed slowly and carefully anyway.

Thanks!

[ohsohappy]

Okay, so what are some of the particular issues, please?

I realize that you're doing what you can at the present time. It's evident that you're looking for further "tools" and ways that you can be proactive rather than reactive in your relationship with your boyfriend.

Without knowing particular issues, it's hard to address how to go on now.

Posting even one issue would be good...

It's best to proceed slowly and carefully anyway.

Thanks!

I just want it understood (as I'm sure you will) that this is only one side of the story, and I feel guilty if I make him sound bad without giving him the chance to present his side of the issue. I don't want anyone making assumptions that he's an awful boyfriend or that I should leave him. This is not how I work, I refuse to give up until I can see that there is no real way of making it work. I'm not ready to give up yet, because there is still something worth fighting for, otherwise I would not be asking for help.

With that being said, the story begins.

Because he and I have had, our past issues (which I will not discuss, but it's caused damage to trust, and we are working on re-gaining it) We both have our insecurities.

I might also add that most of the time, he is 3 hours away at college, and comes back to visit most weekends .

This makes it even more difficult, so we try to communicate as much as possible, keep in touch, tell each-other our plans and so on.

Well one day, my mother picked me up from my classes. First we went to talk to the financial aid office, before we left the campus, to talk about when that would be coming in and when I could get my help etc, then we went to talk to another lady about a potential scholarship that I might be able to receive. Mind you, my phone had still been on vibratewhe we were doing all of this because I hadn't remembered to put it back on ring after I got out of class. When we left the campus, she had decided that I should drive, so natrually, I can't answer my phone. Not only that, but my phone was on vibrate, and I could not hear it going off when he called me, because of the sound of the traffic, and my phone being in my purse, not to my ear. Then we stopped by the bank to check my finances and when I got home I realized that I had seven missed calls, so natruall I called him right away.
He was not angry about where I was, He was angry about the fact that I hadn't mentioned to him that I was driving, and didn't answer. And because of our past issues I felt like he had every right to at least be worried when I didn't answer 7 times. I told him that I would let him know when I was going to be doing something like driving when I couldn't answer my phone. He said that was okay, just not to worry him.

Then last night I got home from school and called him several times. I was worried, and also upset because I remembered the incident where I hadn't told him my plans forst and it worried him, then I got ANGRY because he was doing exactly to me what had upset him. And then he did it again tonight when he was downstairs playing videogames again. (he left his phone in his bedroom)

I trust him enough to KNOW that that was exactly what he was doing, did not need proof of that, because I know who he is, and what his values are. He is a very principled person, with strong values.

My problem was that he was being a hypocrite by not doing what he asked me to do. So I said "you know, that's really annoying that you would do this twice in a row, especially since we had talked about it last night and you said you'd try to remember, you could have at least had your phone on you."

But I was not mad at him because he didn't have his phone on him, I was mad at him because he would have been upset with me if I had done exactly the same thing. I should have let it go, but for some reason I couldn't, and even now, it's still bothering me.

UGH.

[Clough]

Hi again, ohsohappy!

So, how have things been going between you and him since we last communicated, please!

I'm also wondering about something that you wrote above.

I was mad at him because he would have been upset with me if I had done exactly the same thing.

Have you told him about how you feel and think like you've written above, please?

Thanks!

[ohsohappy]

Hi again, ohsohappy!

So, how have things been going between you and him since we last communicated, please!

I'm also wondering about something that you wrote above.



Have you told him about how you feel and think like you've written above, please?

Thanks!

Well we spoke, and we're okay. He understands why I was upset. He just told me that next time, try to express it more "calmly" He said that if her were me, he would have been mad too, because it does seem kind of like a double standard. I just need to handle it better.

i.e. Why I'm posting this, trying to figure that out.

[bigim]

Dude, you guys are fine!! It's natural to have little disagreements like that. As long as you guys put them out there and talk about them a little bit, and not hold things in too much, you'll be OK. It's OK to want to be right. It seems like you guys respect each other, that's very important. You are thinking way too much.