[rhonesci]

On August 6, I had a major open abdominal surgery with a hysterectomy and tubes and ovaries removed (I had a tumor on my ovary, thank goodness it was not cancer). While doing the surgery, my doctor took 17 pounds of fat, skin and omentum from my belly. Last Friday, going to my last postop visit with this surgeon, my husband told me he was sexually attracted to me again. I didn't know he wasn't attracted to me in the first place because when I asked him, he said it wasn't my weight. He is mentally ill (schizoaffective disorder and depression and PTSD) and is on a lot of medication so I thought his sex drive was very low (nil) because of all the meds. We haven't had sex for 2 years. Now I find out he's been unattracted to me because of the fat belly than hung down. I am embarrassed and I'm hurt too. My first husband, when he dumped me for another woman, told me "the thought of spending the rest of my life with a fat woman makes me sick." This brings up old memories and hurts. I think he loves me, he says he does, but with him not telling the truth about my fat how can I trust that he wants to be with me. He says "if I didn't want to be with you, I'd have left a long time ago." Should I believe him? I have to admit, that my stomach fat DID get in the way of sex and it also had something to do with MY not having any sex drive either. Can anyone help me? Thanks.

[MsMewiththat]

I think your clearly in a better place now. You probably weren't honest with him about not feeling like yourself and didn't do anything about it for him. He didn't tell you so most likely as not to hurt your feelings. Communication is always important. In this case it looks l ike you agreed to not have sex for your own reasons and neither divulged to the other what those reasons were.
Enjoy each other now. Rekindle what you've lost.

[Gemini54]

Well, it sounds like you need to talk and be honest with each other. Most likely you were in denial about the effect of your weight on your own libido and his, and most likely he didn't want to hurt your feelings by telling you how he genuinely felt.

Really, the only way to find out how he feels is to talk to him about it. And, be very honest with yourself because clearly you are aware of the effect your excess weight has had on your relationship.

Having said all that, I'd take it slowly. You had a major operation a month ago and are probably still feeling physically and emotionally fragile.

Take time to recuperate, eat healthy and get some exercise. Soon you'll be able to take advantage of the fact that you husband is attracted to you again. You are very fortunate to have a husband that has been honest with you!

[jmjoseph]

I'm sure there have been times when you were not quite 100% truthful about a certain issue simply because you didn't want to hurt his feelings. Right? He really wasn't lying to you, he was being considerate of your feelings. And no, he didn't really word the "compliment" too well, but I think he really likes the new you.

How would you have felt two years ago if he was completely blunt and rude, like your first
Husband was?

I hope you can get past this.

I hope you recover fully soon, so you two can catch up on lost time.

Enjoy your life, and enjoy your marriage.

[I wish]

I have no idea how you look, but both of you agreed that you're fat. So I'm going to side with him on the fact that he stuck by you even while you claim that you were fat.

You can look at it two ways.

1) Did he really say that you were really attractive before? I'm thinking that he just withheld judgment on your appearance before. But now that you're skinner, he notices it and points out that you're more attractive than before. If this is the case, then it's a good thing because he didn't want to hurt your feelings before because he didn't find you attractive. However, he did stick by you throughout, so that must count for something. He's just excited that you're more attractive now.

2) If he really said that you're attractive before and now he's retracting his statement and saying: "You know what, you were fat and ugly before, but now you're pretty," then I see some problems. Even if this was the case, it's not the worst thing that he can do, because he still stuck by you throughout.

I would just take things slow with him. You just recovered from surgery. You have a new physical appearance and I'm guessing you're more comfortable with yourself now? Just focus on staying healthy and building a stronger communication system with your husband.

I'm glad that your procedure went well!

[rhonesci]

Thanks you guys, all of you. When we met I was the size I am now (still heavy) and he has always said that the weight didn't matter. I really think it didn't matter because he had lost his libido with his psych meds. I was uncomfortable myself with myself so I just took that opportunity to go along with not having sex. Our relationship is actually very good, we enjoy each other's company immensely and we are best friends. It's hard for him to communicate not only because he's a man, but because he does have the severe mental illness and he really doesn't EVER want to hurt my feelers. Yes, I have held back on saying certain things to him that would hurt his feelings as well. I AM however, going to have to talk to him about taking a shower more than once every 3 weeks to a month (this is typical of schizophrenia). Ah, marriage is hard, but we love each other and plan on staying married till death us do part and how lucky am I to have my best friend as my husband? :) Thanks again. I appreciate all your answers.

[rhonesci]

Oh I forgot one thing. He has NEVER said I was "fat and ugly."

[jham123]

Sorry, I have an issue with whole thing...

You are right to be alarmed with the recent statement by him. Dishonesty for ANY reason is a red flag and yes you need to address that before you take another step in life together.

Again, Sorry, My wife and I are having issues with her "version" of the truth as well. We are hanging on by a thread. Her "Version" of reality differs from mine on too many issues and My gut feelings raise the rad flag (yours should as well).

Once the half truths or "Lies of Omissions" are allowed or accepted the Marriage is doomed. You are aware that there is a "Half truth" existing in your marriage, unless that is addressed fully at this DATE, you will only develop resentment from here on forward.

You may be able to suppress that resentment... but it'll not go away anytime soon

Sorry for a third time... but I'm done living the fantasy, it is all pragmatism with me from here on out.

[rhonesci]

Well... hmmmmm. Did I mention that my husband has a serious mental illness? If not, he has Schizoaffective Disorder, PTSD and Major Depression. He is on lots of meds. My husband is conditioned to behave the way he does. He's 54, he had a very violent and abusive upbringing and was involved in several abusive relationships (yes he was an abuser as well) that seem to have been his comfort zone. His second wife stabbed him, killed him and the EMTs brought him back. The "lies" stem from never being able to be comfortable trusting somebody or being accepted as himself. Behavior can be changed, but it's very hard to change learned life-long things.

I DO have a problem with lying, it is one of my 'biggies'. When I catch him in a lie, I call him on it. Sometimes he just lies for no reason and I can't explain that.

Having said all that, he does trust me. I'm the first person, he says, who has ever cared enough to help him out with his psychiatric illness or to stay away from alcohol and white dope (horrifying family history of addiction and all that goes along with it). I have been supportive of him and his issues for almost 8 years now.

I knew going into this relationship that he was mentally ill, but I thought I could handle it and I have for the most part. The very hardest thing to deal with is when his voices start getting really loud and he gets suicidal and homicidal. That really stresses me out and more to the point, the lack of care on his professional treatment team by not hospitalizing him when he is like this, makes me almost sick physically. It's really hard to deal with a suicidal and homicidal person. I could go on an don with the grim details of the dreaded schizophrenia, but I won't. I think you get the drift.

So see? I have stuck by him too. I don't say mean things to him but I am truthful with him and I do make him talk when we have something to work out (he hates that but we get it done anyway). I'm a good and nice wife. He is a good and nice husband. He took excellent care of me when I got out of the hospital then two weeks later came down with a horrible GI virus that lasted for 10 days. I'm pretty happy in this relationship. It isn't perfect, but it's lots better than my last marriage and for that I'm grateful. Okay, got to work.

[jham123]

My previous statement still applies.

And you add that you've caught him lying more than just this one time. He cannot be allowed to exist in this realm. You two must be transparent to each other else you are just FWB (Friends with Benefits) of sorts.

You yourself state that the lies are biggies for you. The resentment only gets worse...

If you are living a stand-up life, why do you deserve to be trampled on... The simple answer is that you do not... and therein lies the resentment .

If you'd like to make excuses for him not being truthful with the Mental issues that is your choice.

[rhonesci]

Point taken. Thanks.

[jham123]

I just feel so awful for you. I've been told things like this before from the one that I am supposed to be spending life with...

I cannot get the words out of my head.
"I am not in love with you"
"I am not sure I ever Loved you"
"I don't even like your personality anymore"

If that is the truth, why then would she stay one more moment?

But that is my battle I'm dealing with.

Right now, I'm just trying to stand shoulder to shoulder with you or anyone in my same position to try to gain some strength in numbers.

[jham123]

I'll add... I'm not sure I care what her body looks like as long as she holds it tightly against mine...

You shouldn't have to hear that... a little weight is nothing...

[Cat1864]

rhonesci, from what you have said about your husband and your past marriage, I think he didn't want to hurt you by bringing up memories of how your previous marriage ended.

Is it lying to try to be tactful? That is for you and him to discuss.

If he had said, "Yes, it is your weight, " what would you have done differently? Would you have been concerned that he was like your ex-husband? I think he proved that he isn't.

This one has his problems, but it sounds like he loves you for you as you seem to genuinely love him for him even with all the extra baggage. That says a whole lot.

[zippit]

I think entirely too much is being made of this.
If you went in and had a larger breast size put in without any waist size difference it would have had the same effect
Men always want something different with a blonde ,brunettes look good visa versa it was simply a change and he noticed it.
Glad to hear it went well for you

[rhonesci]

Yes, I do love him and he loves me. Sometimes when he says something, I pin him down on it to get a full explanation (again he hates this - typical male) and he says whatever comes to mind. Husband and I get along very very well, and he is NOTHING like my ex-husband who was just plain mean and hurt me in the worst way possible and KNEW that he would be doing me lots of damage, but did it anyway because he was the most selfish person I have ever known in my life. Karma came to bite him in the butt in the last few years. He deserves it. This husband, however, is my forever husband. He is really a very good guy even though he does carry the serious diagnosis of Schizoaffective Disorder and PTSD. He has never ever been mean to me or said things to hurt intentionally and we DO talk about things within our relationship and even though he hates it, he and I communicate about some very difficult things (ranging from us to kids to money to you name it) and we come to conclusions and implement the decisions if needed. He's taken to calling me "Slim" LOL. Today is the 6-week mark from my surgery and I'm still tender inside my gut where the surgeon had her hands all over my innards. She told me I might still be having discomfort occasionally for 10 to 12 months after surgery. Husband and I talked about this also and he thought that was the case and is willing to wait however long it takes for me to be able to "perform my wifely duties" LOLOLOLOL. Okay, getting to work now.

[zippit]

That sounds great,
I wanted to clarify when I said entirely too much was being made I didn't mean how it made you feel on a personal level I simply meant how he intended the comment to be,it sounded like he was not cutting,and proubably trying to be complimentary.

[talaniman]

My wife takes my compliments the wrong way too, sometimes, what's a guy supposed to do??