[Prillmill]

I figure the best way to do this is just lay out facts and then a timeline rather than try to put it in sentences to shorten the read as much as possible. I apologize if it seems like rambling I'm a mess right now

Facts:
- 24 year old male
- Single now
- Custody of 12 year old brother for the past few years
- Ex and I lived together almost the whole relationship, she moved in with me after a month or two, we were a year away from getting married.
- I'm very easy going and independent, don't like stupidity/drama/games.. I've dated a lot of women but I've only dated 2x women in my life longer than a month (recent ex being one of them, other only lasted a year)
- I have told my ex from the beginning of our relationship that I NEVER wanted kids and I said all sorts of reasons (PAY VERY CLOSE ATTENTION TO NEXT FACT)
- My reasoning was a cover up. I had some very bad experiences when I was a child that I never told ANYONE about that have had lasting effects. I NEVER wanted to expose my true reasoning. I have always wanted kids.
- I have ADHD and when I don't take my medicine I can have a short fuse. I stopped taking my medicine due to heart reasons shortly after we got together.
- Ex is very sweet, kind, and does NOT drink

Timeline:
- Beginning Relationship is going great, we love each other, all is bueno. No breakup/get backs/huge fights/people are jealous of us, etc.

- Middle of April we have a baby scare. I went to doctor to get back on my medicine for ADHD and I look in to a vasectomy. I tell her about it and she is upset. I tell her we aren't having kids so who cares. She then says she was hoping I would change on that subject and I say I'm not. She says this may have an effect on our relationship and I say I am not having kids and she needs to see if she's OK with that.

- We talk that night and we break up mutually because of the different view. I cry for the first time over a woman after she leaves to a friends house. She comes back 10 minutes later and says it's not right we have to work something out. We are together.

- She goes out of town and visits her parents for the weekend alone. She comes back Sunday night and we don't really discuss. We watched a movie and held each other like normal

- The next day at work she calls and asks "there really is no changing you on this?"
Me: no
ex: I think we should break up its all I can think of
me: I hate this
ex: me too, I love you
me: I love you too
We both cry and hang up

- She stays at my apt for 2x more days and her mother comes up and gets her a new apt and my ex is gone out of my life by the weekend

- We talk daily at work and try to be cool, say hopefully we can work something out

- I hit rock bottom, saddest I've been. A week goes by and I go see a therapist. It was the best thing I ever did, we schedule my second appointment. I tell my ex about what happened to me as a child, what I am doing, and why I was the way it was. She supports me.

- I go to second appointment and I feel 100% different, complete 180 about my view on kids. It's too good to be true. I don't tell my ex anything yet. I wanted to sleep on things a bit to make sure this wasn't a false feeling just to get her back and that it would last.

- I wait a week after therapy... Here we are a couple weeks after the breakup and I tell her that I want to tell her "lets get back together" and that I want kids but I don't want to push and pull her around and want to make sure my feelings are genuine. She likes what I say.

- A few days later I show up at her door with ear to ear grinning telling her I want to get back together and things are amazing for me now and I want to have a child and marry her.
Ex's response: I am liking where I am right now and now when I think about us I think about how you had a short fuse sometimes and our views on kids were so different. I want to see that you've changed from a friends view
Me: I know I had a short fuse I got my medicine back literally like a week before the breakup and I am so much happier. My family tells me, my brother tells me, coworkers notice etc.
Ex: I want to stay single for now

POW! :eek:

- We hang out like once a week. Keep things platonic and it's always hard. I just try to be as fun and normal as possible. She is hanging out with some new friends in her apartments and going out now a lot and drinking. I start hanging out with friends, dating a little, working out, stay busy etc.

- After a long time of this I say this (read it over the phone)
=======================
"I care about you more than I care about our relationship. I care about what's best for you whether you want to date me or not. I truly and genuinely love you for who you are.. Kind.Smart, Caring. Family oriented, something I never thought I cared for

This breakup happened for a reason. It happened to teach me a valuable lesson about myself, about partnership, and about how to live life. Until I “got the lesson,” I was going to continue to face the same relationship problems over and Over again. This is why I want to embrace this

I'm not resisting the breakup. I don't want to turn back the clock and get things back to where they were. I accepted the breakup and understand why it happened and took that information and learned all I could learn from it.

Realizing that I was going to lose you was the wake-up call that I needed to create real change in my life. Unfortunately otherwise I don't know if I could have. I wish this wasn't what brought this to the surface. This has been a painful experience but I was committed to learning and growing from it. I've learned a lot about myself and the effects I've had on others lives including yours and my family's

I am serious about making our new relationship better than the old one... I'm willing to put my money where my mouth is so to speak. This isn't a hopeless cry of loneliness.

I sincerely do want a boy now, badly.. don't think ill ever be weird with a child, therapy really did work... I will continue to be the best man I can be, I will not get "comfy" and stop... I'm not saying "oh im sorry lets try us again" without real change, I'll never stop taking my medicine and I want a kid awkwardly a LOT and I will continue to do what I need to do in that area"
========================
Her response: *crying* I am still in love with you but I like where I am right now, I just don't want be hurt again. I feel like I made a decision and I need to stick with it.

- We don't talk at ALL for about 2x weeks until I had to bring her some of her stuff and her mail. I drop her stuff off...
ex: want to watch some TV?
me: nah I got get going here in a second
ex: OK
me: I love you and care about you, whatever you do don't just base your reasoning only because you made a decision and want to stick with it. I'm the best person I've ever been. I hope everything goes great for you and you are happy
ex: I love you too. I am just so afraid of getting hurt again, I'm not looking for other guys, I'm not dating and don't want to. I am just spending time on me.

We hug and I say good bye.

- We don't talk at all for 3 weeks. I'm doing pretty darn good. Last Thursday she texts me. (Ya I know NC, don't respond, but I would like to work this out)
ex: how are you? How's the family?
me: everything's good, how's the teaching? (shes in school to be teacher and student teaching now)
ex: I love my first grade glass and my college classes, I'm going to be real busy
me: sounds great! Im excited for you, glad you're finally in the class room
ex: you its fun, I have boy in my class who's middle name is jack daniels
me: lol, wonder if his parents like to party. Can you get my bible from your parents house?
ex: I won't be going until October, I'll ask her about it (CONVO OVER)

- 2x days ago another text
ex: how are you? How was your weekend?
me: good you?
ex: OK, weekend was boring and uneventful, are you with anyone?
me: no, you?
ex: no (CONVO OVER and I've had her in my head ever since.)

- Later that same evening, text
ex: are you going to mike's birthday party?
me: yes (CONVO OVER)

- This morning at 9am, gmail chat
ex: Hey shane (my brother) was texting me last night, was pretty funny
me: what did he say?
ex: he was asking me about a song and was talking about how he hit his head at school

I haven't responded yet and I don't know what to do. It almost seems like she is trying to start talking again but it could be simply her trying to make me an option or her wanting to be friends, or her actually wanting to talk to possibly try to get back together. GAH! I want to get back together but not forcefully. I want to reply and tell her that's funny and talk. I want to also tell her I need time to heal and not talk. I also want to ask her if she has thought about us. I'm a mess right now as to what to do and I am usually so sure of what to do.

I know this was long and whoever reads this and replies, THANK YOU!

[amicon]

You need time to heal and stop the talking.Your words- and that makes sense-only by stepping back will you find the space where you can be you.

[talaniman]

Truth Time.

I hope your over your issues my friend, and I hope you stay on your meds. If you want out of limbo, you both must take a risk. On your part ask her out, so that she can see your worth taking a chance on, then ease into more time together. If she isn't willing to try that with you, what's the point of not running into a brick wall? Then you have to back off, an accept a life without her. That's when the NC, and healing can begin.

Me, I give it a shot, before I walk completely away, and disappear from her life, and live my own.

[Prillmill]

you need time to heal and stop the talking.Your words- and that makes sense-only by stepping back will you find the space where you can be you.

Thank you so much for your response and reading my rambling. I don't want to step too far back as I would like to try and make this work. After reading here I know NC is best for healing and getting over someone... but our situation was a bit complicated and I want to know it's over for good first. Not a good idea?

[Prillmill]

Truth Time.

I hope your over your issues my friend, and I hope you stay on your meds. If you want out of limbo, you both must take a risk. On your part ask her out, so that she can see your worth taking a chance on, then ease into more time together. If she isn't willing to try that with you, whats the point of not running into a brick wall? Then you have to back off an accept a life without her.

Thank you also for reading and responding. Things are great. I'm thinking of calling and saying "Hey, I'm sorry I didnt respond today... I'm just a bit confused about things right now" and proceeding to asking her if she would like to meet for dinner. If she says yes I am going to ask her where her head is at right now and if she would be interested in dating.

Thoughts?

[spitvenom]

Hey Prill asking her to dinner is a good start. Maybe wait to ask her to start dating again. See how the first dinner goes as friends. Make it as light as possible.

[Prillmill]

Hey Prill asking her to dinner is a good start. Maybe wait to ask her to start dating again. See how the first dinner goes as friends. Make it as light as possible.

Thank you for your response. I feel somewhat immature coming here for advice but I am literally a MESS. I was actually better when we first broke up. Now I just don't know what is going on. I think this is a great community here and you guys offer very good advice.

So, I'm going to ask her to dinner and keep things platonic. Try and be happy/go lucky and just don't bring anything about US up at all. I will then update from there.

Sound like a plan everyone? LOL, sorry for sounding so approval seeking and hopeless.

[spitvenom]

We all need advice from time to time actually seeking advice is very mature. Good Luck and let us know what happens.

[Prillmill]

UPDATE #1: I texted her...

me: Hey do you want to grab dinner some time?
ex: Sure when?
me: How does Monday sound?
ex: I'm going to be doing some stuff with kimberly so it depends on the time I guess. Everything OK?
me: Yes, everything is fine. Would Tuesday be better for you?
ex: Probably. I may have to start a field study but it shouldn't be too late

That's everything verbatim. So far nothing to really draw from but at least she didn't say no.

[Prillmill]

FINAL UPDATE: Friday night I am out with a friend. His wife is friends with my ex. He starts talking about how they don't care for her too much anymore. She flakes on his wife, won't return calls, and just how she acts now and goes out and parties a lot. He then mentions that she thought she was pregnant but took a test and found out she isn't. My stomach came out through my throat.

I was a disaster and couldn't sleep that night. I called her the next day... this is the jist of the conversation

ME: So I can't wait until Tuesday's dinner to go over this... Last night Matt (my friend) slipped up and I found out you thought you were pregnant..
*awkward 5-10 second silence*
Lately you started texting me and my guess is either you are wanting to be friendly or you are wanting to make contact after thinking things over.
EX: I was being friendly, I want you in my life still
ME: I hate how this all happened, it's like it's an unfinished book that we won't know the outcome of.
EX: I know I just like where I am right now, I don't want anyone else I just want to focus on school
ME: (Almost lost it here, wanted to say "well you're either lying or you're a whore because we have established that you thought you were pregnant") Well, don't take this as me being a d&^%head or trying to be difficult but this is your decision and I need to heal... please don't call, text, or email me anymore.
EX: *starts choking up* I understand

I then went and removed her from Facebook so I can't see her pages and proceeded to have fun and stay as busy as possible this weekend. It's back to NC and NC for good now. Sucks that things happened the way they did.

[spitvenom]

Well at least you didn't waste a lot of time trying to get back with her. Sucks it worked out that way but it is for the best.

[amicon]

Stick to the NC-find your feet again as you will sooner than you think.let her do whatever it is she s doing and only think about you.

[talaniman]

Sorry for your loss, but you made a decision, so stick to it. When things run there course sometimes the best thing to do is regroup, and move forward.

I feel it was an emotional decision, but its done now.

[Prillmill]

Here we are 2x weeks later and I'm doing well. The only slump I had was when her friend was telling me how my ex is depressed and gaining weight and calling her mom crying regularly. She told me she thinks my ex doesn't want to make the decision she did and is just depressed. It really sucked hearing that because I love and care for her very much. This ONE time I wanted to call her but I just did some working out instead.

She hasn't made a single attempt to contact me and nor have I. We have to see each other tomorrow at a wedding and I am going to be chipper, nice, and short when/if we talk.

[amicon]

Glad you re doing all right-and short and polite s good! :-)

[Triysle]

This has been an interesting story to read. I think it's great that you could write out all that you've learned from this experience, but make sure you are truly accepting it and living it.

One of the biggest issues I've seen (and gone through myself) is that people come to this forum, read the advice, and it clicks and makes sense to them... but even though they can recite it, they haven't truly changed their lives to reflect it.

Thank you for sharing your story. I think you're on the right path; next time you are in an emotionally high-strung situation, take a few extra moments to think through your actions before you make your decisions.

I do think that the most recent pregnancy scare, and your ensuing reaction, shows more about your progress than any of the lessons you've claimed to have learned. This isn't meant as an attack; I want you to really look at yourself and figure out if you are applying what you have learned.

Don't feel bad if you haven't. Every single one of us came to this site, saw that it all made sense on some level, and started saying "Great, I'm healed!" No matter how smart or emotionally mature you are, it takes a certain amount of time to truly absorb the lessons to be learned from these situations.

~ Tee

[Prillmill]

I do think that the most recent pregnancy scare, and your ensuing reaction, shows more about your progress than any of the lessons you've claimed to have learned. This isn't meant as an attack; I want you to really look at yourself and figure out if you are applying what you have learned.

I question how I reacted afterward often. Thanks for your comments.

*UPDATE*

The wedding was fine... talked no more than 20 seconds and it was just hi and I fixed the audio equipment prior to with her. After the wedding we went out to a bar/club to celebrate and she was there and the only interaction was..

Her: "So how was it being the best man?"
ME: "Pretty awesome, was interesting to see how Matt (the groom) lost it up there"
Her: "I KNOW!"

I sat on the opposite end of the table where we sat and hung out for about an hour and then left early. She never texted or called after until I recently put in an offer on a house and after haggling it was accepted and I am in the process of closing soon. I was at a local bar watching a football game and got this text...

Her: Did you get a house?
Me: Yes
Her: Congratulations! Where at?
(at this point I decided not to respond, about an hour later I get... )
Her: Am I not allowed to know?
Me: Mansfield

I told myself if she texted again that I would politely reiterate the stance that I have taken. She never said a thing. Today just an hour ago I get this gmail chat message

Her: I know you're not talking to me but I wanted to tell you that I saw pics of your house and it's gorgeous

I haven't responded and don't plan to but I feel awkward... what to do? Reiterate the stance? Grrrr

[talaniman]

Two choices, ignore the gmail, or just say "thanks", and leave it at that.

She will either take the hint, or keep trying for a friendship you don't need right now.

Just me, I ignore her attempts to draw you into the friend zone.

[Prillmill]

I responded with "thanks" and nothing else. She hasn't said anything since. What I hate about not responding is her telling others and others not knowing what I've said. Maybe I just need to get over that?

We share a lot of friends and I am electing to not go to a birthday party this weekend because she will be there. I feel good and she isn't on my mind ever anymore. Thanks again everyone.

[Prillmill]

Update:

Last Thursday I went to a local bar that she knows I go to often and I don't believe she has ever gone. I am at the free appetizer buffet they had that night when I hear... "HEY!!" - I turn to my right and there is my ex with one of her friends behind her.

Me: "hey!" I give her and her friend a hug
Ex: "i just wanted to come say hi"
Me: "where you sitting?"
Ex: "over there" (she points)
**awkward 5-10 seconds where she is looking at me with a smile and her eyes wide open giving me the look like she is waiting for me to say something**
Me: "you know I'm not trying to be an a$#hole right?"
Ex: "i know"
Me: "you shoulda said my name at the door you woulda got VIP"
Ex: *shows her wristband* "i got it with soandso" (didnt hear)
Me: *I jokingly put hands up and say playfully* "oohhh excuse me" and walk off

I went outside where I wouldn't see her and took a shot or two... she got to me. I stayed outside for maybe 20 minutes then left. That night wasn't great but the next day I felt great. Everything was back to normal. She has popped in my head more lately, little bit of a set back.

I think she is either completely oblivious to her actions... or she is trying to get in my head.