How to handle ex? How to respond? (complicated read)
I figure the best way to do this is just lay out facts and then a timeline rather than try to put it in sentences to shorten the read as much as possible. I apologize if it seems like rambling I'm a mess right now
Facts:
- 24 year old male
- Single now
- Custody of 12 year old brother for the past few years
- Ex and I lived together almost the whole relationship, she moved in with me after a month or two, we were a year away from getting married.
- I'm very easy going and independent, don't like stupidity/drama/games.. I've dated a lot of women but I've only dated 2x women in my life longer than a month (recent ex being one of them, other only lasted a year)
- I have told my ex from the beginning of our relationship that I NEVER wanted kids and I said all sorts of reasons (PAY VERY CLOSE ATTENTION TO NEXT FACT)
- My reasoning was a cover up. I had some very bad experiences when I was a child that I never told ANYONE about that have had lasting effects. I NEVER wanted to expose my true reasoning. I have always wanted kids.
- I have ADHD and when I don't take my medicine I can have a short fuse. I stopped taking my medicine due to heart reasons shortly after we got together.
- Ex is very sweet, kind, and does NOT drink
Timeline:
- Beginning Relationship is going great, we love each other, all is bueno. No breakup/get backs/huge fights/people are jealous of us, etc.
- Middle of April we have a baby scare. I went to doctor to get back on my medicine for ADHD and I look in to a vasectomy. I tell her about it and she is upset. I tell her we aren't having kids so who cares. She then says she was hoping I would change on that subject and I say I'm not. She says this may have an effect on our relationship and I say I am not having kids and she needs to see if she's OK with that.
- We talk that night and we break up mutually because of the different view. I cry for the first time over a woman after she leaves to a friends house. She comes back 10 minutes later and says it's not right we have to work something out. We are together.
- She goes out of town and visits her parents for the weekend alone. She comes back Sunday night and we don't really discuss. We watched a movie and held each other like normal
- The next day at work she calls and asks "there really is no changing you on this?"
Me: no
ex: I think we should break up its all I can think of
me: I hate this
ex: me too, I love you
me: I love you too
We both cry and hang up
- She stays at my apt for 2x more days and her mother comes up and gets her a new apt and my ex is gone out of my life by the weekend
- We talk daily at work and try to be cool, say hopefully we can work something out
- I hit rock bottom, saddest I've been. A week goes by and I go see a therapist. It was the best thing I ever did, we schedule my second appointment. I tell my ex about what happened to me as a child, what I am doing, and why I was the way it was. She supports me.
- I go to second appointment and I feel 100% different, complete 180 about my view on kids. It's too good to be true. I don't tell my ex anything yet. I wanted to sleep on things a bit to make sure this wasn't a false feeling just to get her back and that it would last.
- I wait a week after therapy... Here we are a couple weeks after the breakup and I tell her that I want to tell her "lets get back together" and that I want kids but I don't want to push and pull her around and want to make sure my feelings are genuine. She likes what I say.
- A few days later I show up at her door with ear to ear grinning telling her I want to get back together and things are amazing for me now and I want to have a child and marry her.
Ex's response: I am liking where I am right now and now when I think about us I think about how you had a short fuse sometimes and our views on kids were so different. I want to see that you've changed from a friends view
Me: I know I had a short fuse I got my medicine back literally like a week before the breakup and I am so much happier. My family tells me, my brother tells me, coworkers notice etc.
Ex: I want to stay single for now
POW! :eek:
- We hang out like once a week. Keep things platonic and it's always hard. I just try to be as fun and normal as possible. She is hanging out with some new friends in her apartments and going out now a lot and drinking. I start hanging out with friends, dating a little, working out, stay busy etc.
- After a long time of this I say this (read it over the phone)
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"I care about you more than I care about our relationship. I care about what's best for you whether you want to date me or not. I truly and genuinely love you for who you are.. Kind.Smart, Caring. Family oriented, something I never thought I cared for
This breakup happened for a reason. It happened to teach me a valuable lesson about myself, about partnership, and about how to live life. Until I “got the lesson,” I was going to continue to face the same relationship problems over and Over again. This is why I want to embrace this
I'm not resisting the breakup. I don't want to turn back the clock and get things back to where they were. I accepted the breakup and understand why it happened and took that information and learned all I could learn from it.
Realizing that I was going to lose you was the wake-up call that I needed to create real change in my life. Unfortunately otherwise I don't know if I could have. I wish this wasn't what brought this to the surface. This has been a painful experience but I was committed to learning and growing from it. I've learned a lot about myself and the effects I've had on others lives including yours and my family's
I am serious about making our new relationship better than the old one... I'm willing to put my money where my mouth is so to speak. This isn't a hopeless cry of loneliness.
I sincerely do want a boy now, badly.. don't think ill ever be weird with a child, therapy really did work... I will continue to be the best man I can be, I will not get "comfy" and stop... I'm not saying "oh im sorry lets try us again" without real change, I'll never stop taking my medicine and I want a kid awkwardly a LOT and I will continue to do what I need to do in that area"
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Her response: *crying* I am still in love with you but I like where I am right now, I just don't want be hurt again. I feel like I made a decision and I need to stick with it.
- We don't talk at ALL for about 2x weeks until I had to bring her some of her stuff and her mail. I drop her stuff off...
ex: want to watch some TV?
me: nah I got get going here in a second
ex: OK
me: I love you and care about you, whatever you do don't just base your reasoning only because you made a decision and want to stick with it. I'm the best person I've ever been. I hope everything goes great for you and you are happy
ex: I love you too. I am just so afraid of getting hurt again, I'm not looking for other guys, I'm not dating and don't want to. I am just spending time on me.
We hug and I say good bye.
- We don't talk at all for 3 weeks. I'm doing pretty darn good. Last Thursday she texts me. (Ya I know NC, don't respond, but I would like to work this out)
ex: how are you? How's the family?
me: everything's good, how's the teaching? (shes in school to be teacher and student teaching now)
ex: I love my first grade glass and my college classes, I'm going to be real busy
me: sounds great! Im excited for you, glad you're finally in the class room
ex: you its fun, I have boy in my class who's middle name is jack daniels
me: lol, wonder if his parents like to party. Can you get my bible from your parents house?
ex: I won't be going until October, I'll ask her about it (CONVO OVER)
- 2x days ago another text
ex: how are you? How was your weekend?
me: good you?
ex: OK, weekend was boring and uneventful, are you with anyone?
me: no, you?
ex: no (CONVO OVER and I've had her in my head ever since.)
- Later that same evening, text
ex: are you going to mike's birthday party?
me: yes (CONVO OVER)
- This morning at 9am, gmail chat
ex: Hey shane (my brother) was texting me last night, was pretty funny
me: what did he say?
ex: he was asking me about a song and was talking about how he hit his head at school
I haven't responded yet and I don't know what to do. It almost seems like she is trying to start talking again but it could be simply her trying to make me an option or her wanting to be friends, or her actually wanting to talk to possibly try to get back together. GAH! I want to get back together but not forcefully. I want to reply and tell her that's funny and talk. I want to also tell her I need time to heal and not talk. I also want to ask her if she has thought about us. I'm a mess right now as to what to do and I am usually so sure of what to do.
I know this was long and whoever reads this and replies, THANK YOU!
