[emdp]

My husband has deceived me financially for the past 7 years of our 27 year marriage. He has refused to discuss the origin of the financial issues, does not respond to my needs for resolution and trust, refuses to acknowledge my needs or feelings, and is very indifferent toward our relationship. He has become verbally/emotionally abusive. When I tell him I have had enough and need to leave, he becomes loving and makes promises to work on issues. When I bring the issues up or express needs, he again becomes annoyed, angry, self absorbed, makes excuses not to share information, says I am too needy, forgets important financial information, continues to lie about bills, then says I am accusing him of lying when confronted. He blames me for tension and all his physical problems; fatigue, elevated blood sugar, elevated blood pressure,. He has told me he understands I can't trust him yet does not need to rebuild trust. He tells me I should just forget it all and move on; he says he has resolved the marital issues on his own. I feel I am on a roller coaster of emotions and living in limbo as I have no idea of financial situation, do not know if he is committed to the marriage, I cannot make any decisions, and have no options. He was never like this, we always had a respectful, loving marriage. He has changed drastically and his communication with me is filled with contempt, anger, and defensiveness. We have become distant during the past 2 years from refusal to address any issues. He will not think about us, has not read any books or articles I thouth may help us. I cannot continue to live like this, but we have 4 children and I do not want to break up our family. We have become very distant and the intimacy, trust, caring, respect in our marriage has been destroyed. I feel I cannot continue as the pain has absorbed so much of me, yet I do not want to give up and break up my family. I have 4 children to consider. I also cannot face the fact that he has no feelings for me and is not affected by the deterioration of our marriage. If I give up, it will be the end of 29 years together, if I stay, I will continue to deteriorate and lose self respect, esteem, confidence,. What should I do?

[I wish]

By making the threat of leaving him, without actually leaving him, just gives him more control over you. He just has to say a few words that you want to hear and you immediately take him back. He knows that he has this control over you, so he's not really going to make a conscious effort to fix your issues.

I know that 27 years is a long time and you don't want to throw it all away. But people change and circumstances change. The important part is to adapt to these changes. It seems like your relationship has not adapted to your changes.

You can continue to work on your communication and fixing your problems. But if you don't see any progress, why continue to suffer the way you are?

You can propose marriage counselling. But, like I said, if there's no progress in your relationship, then why continue to live in misery?

[emdp]

Thank you for your response. I agree that I shouldn't continue to live this way; however, I am torn as to what the best decision for my children will be. I also deep down, want to hang on to hope that we can break through the wall this issue has caused between us. I can't understand his change toward me and our relationship. He says all would be fine if we just never mentioned any issues again and moved on. I have taken his request and ignored any doubts/questions/trust & sharing differences; keeping conversations very superficial and polite. However, even though he was extremely polite and helpful, he was still preoccupied, guarded, secretive, and sad (even though I could tell he tried very hard to cover it up).
As with all couples, we had our hard times and differences, but we always had such a strong connection that we both knew we would work through anything; do whatever it took for each other to get through it. I just can't imagine what was or is so significant or devastating that he can't discuss or resolve, that he could destroy it all and see the increasing damage and hurt he is causing me and our family rather than try to resolve it.
We have tried marriage counseling (twice). Last summer, we went to our first "couples counseling" session. I initiated the counseling, as I felt it was our last resort and this issue was too complex to fix ourselves. He was hesitant but agreed to go. We went to 2 sessions, and he felt we should look for a different counselor as this counselor not seem to address the deceit issue. I agreed at the time, as I felt she generalized our marital problem as "drifting' through the years. This was not the case. In fact, we had grown closer and supported and appreciated each other more intensely as we raised our children. This change occurred with the exposure of the financial deceit, and his inability to acknowledge/ tend to this led to deterioration in other areas of our marriage through the 20 months. He actually arranged our second marriage counselor. We both felt more comfortable with her and felt she understood the dynamics of our marriage and the complexity of the deceit. My husband, however, was not cooperative, either responded with vague, generic answers; expressed annoyance that this issue couldn't be "puched out of our minds" and we just "move on." By the third session , he became dizzy and nautious the day before the session and refused to continue. I continued alone, which triggered more indifference and days of silent treatment by him.
I apologize for being so wordy, I guess I am just so torn and deep down still need to cling to some thread of hope for us, even though I know it is not rational and should not continue to preserve myself.

[I wish]

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. But life's just too short to live in such misery.

I know that you probably had a lot of good times with him, but those are all in the past. Sometimes it's best to keep those thoughts in your heart, but also realize that those moments are all in the past.

Both of you are different people now and things will probably never go back to the way it was.

Your children should be your priority. You must act in their best interest. An unhealthy relationship with your husband is not the way to go.

If you don't feel that you can work things out with your husband, then maybe it's better to be on your own.

[emdp]

I agreeh your with your response. It is just that I love him deeply and he claims he loves me even though he has difficulty showing it right now. I would prefer to try to work it out (working also to preserve my emotional health). Any suggestions for any approach we could take to try to resolve these complicated issues and heal all the hurt, as he is hurting also? I just hate to give up and do feel the best choice for my children is to have 2 intact parents- preferably together.

[Rino4]

I am currently going through a separation and receiving professional help. I am the one who has built up the wall between my wife and I, but it come from my need for control. I am working on letting go of that, but it isn't easy, it takes two. Life is short, but running away from a problem will never do anything but build more hurt and resentment. We can not control our spouses, but love them unconditionally. I'm not saying let them deceive you or walk all over you. You want to know what is going on with your money but he lies to you. So call the bank or the people you have debt or bills with and you deal with them. Marriage honors God, but the lies have to end. When he lies to you pull out the proof and call him on it. When he gets mad let him know you have a right to know about the money as much as he does. Us guys have deep need to provide for our families, but it's hard to make the bills some times. Let him know you understand and it's OK, perhaps be willing to give up some things that you don't need. He feels like he is failing you and his family, and to hide that shame he will tell you he paid a bill that he couldn't. He can't do this on his own but you can see his needs to provide and be respected. When he can't meet those he will try and cover with lies to make it appear like he can. Divorce is never an option and will only bring more hurt and anger. Give the control to your God and work on your needs and try to support his. Be honest but not hurtful in your conversations, know and expect him to lie to you, call him out on his lie but don't get angry while doing so. I have made a mess of my marriage being decitful, we have been separeted for a month now. She refuses to talk about what went wrong, I admit my faults and am working on me, it's hard to see my wife whom I have love so selfishly reject me and my efforts to deal with what is wrong in our marriage. In the bible is a guide on how to love in 1 Corenthians chapter 13. It's how God loves us, but if we can show love in this way, keeping no record of wrongs, always hoping, God can do great things. I pray God will work in your life and God will change your husbands heart. Always hope.