Check out some similar questions!

mddenton · Aug 24, 2009, 05:23 AM

I have read the answer about the other reader who never gets to experience "the firsts" with her child due to an over-impeding mother-in-law. My situation is a little different I think. I really think she sees herself as my daughter's mother. It has driven a wedge between us. Thankfully they live two hours away but we see them once a week if not more. When we go to their house she insists on putting her to sleep in her room and gets offended when we disagree. She let my daughter get in the shower with her. Mind you,my daughter is two, but I feel that it was totally inappropriate. I let my daughter get in the shower with me BUT I am her Mother! My daughter was running a fever Saturday night and as soon as she saw the grandmother she started wanting her. It really bothered me but she was fine with it and didn't let me just handle it. She took her back into her room and my daughter slept in there wedged between the mother-in-law and my father-in-law. I feel so underminded as her mother when I am around them and my husband will not speak up after all that I have said to him about how it makes me feel. I know I should have a talk with her about what it is doing to me. But with her passive-aggressive attitude I have always come out looking like the bad guy. Am I over-reacting to this? Deep down I know that I am not. What is going on here?

tickle · Aug 24, 2009, 05:31 AM

You are perfectly correct regarding how you feel about this situation. You need to put a stop to this inappropriate behavior by your mother in law. There has to be something wrong with her, dimentia, whatever, to make her act like this. Your daughter is only two now, but how will this progress as she gets older?

It is your husbands place to put down the law with his mother on how she treats your daughter. He is wrong in ignoring this behavior.

Ms tickle

danielnoahsmommy · Aug 24, 2009, 05:33 AM

I agree, with tick... it is you husbands place to set her straight!

ScottGem · Aug 24, 2009, 06:21 AM

First, please pay more attention to posting guidelines. The Introductions forum (where this thread was moved from) is clearly marked as NOT for asking questions.

Is your daughter the first grandchild? If so, as she grows older, the attachment on both sides should grow less. I don't think it inappropriate for grandma to shower with the child if you do it. But it does appear she inserts herself too much.

But your husband should be the one to law down the law to his mother.

tickle · Aug 24, 2009, 01:23 PM

Originally Posted by ScottGem

. I don't think it inappropriate for grandma to shower with the child if you do it. r.

Taking a youngster in the shower with you, especially when you have to hold the youngster while showering, is totally okay for a mom to do. That is a way of bonding, but... another woman having your baby that close and both naked, is totally inappropriate (and I am not suggesting anything here). It just isn't right for another woman to presume that much with an infant. Bathing in the bathtub, and grandmother assisting is a lot of fun and appropriate, but not in the shower. That is way to intimate and only a mother should be doing that.

Tick

ScottGem · Aug 24, 2009, 03:01 PM

Originally Posted by tickle

another woman having your baby that close and both naked, is totally inappropriate

You are entitled to your opinion. But I see nothing wrong with a grandmother or other close female relative showering with a toddler. I would feel the same about a grandfather showering with a toddler grandson. As long as there is nothing perverted going on, I am not bothered by that.

mddenton · Aug 24, 2009, 03:08 PM

Originally Posted by tickle

Taking a youngster in the shower with you, especially when you have to hold the youngster while showering, is totally okay for a mom to do. That is a way of bonding, but......another woman having your baby that close and both naked, is totally inappropriate (and I am not suggesting anything here). It just isnt right for another woman to presume that much with an infant. Bathing in the bathtub, and grandmother assisting is a lot of fun and appropriate, but not in the shower. That is way to intimate and only a mother should be doing that.

tick

Thank you so much for your response. I feel the same way but just did not know how to convey it. I really appreciate it and was very put off by the other person's response. Thank you again!
Misty

ScottGem · Aug 24, 2009, 03:38 PM

Originally Posted by mddenton

I really appreciate it and was very put off by the other person's response. thank you again!
misty

Put off? You can agree or disagree with my opinion here, that's your right. But unless you or someone else, can show me some clinical evidence that this may be harmful to a child, I'll stand by my opinion.

Remember, I'm not talking about just ANYONE. I'm talking about a very close family member. I'm also not saying that you should allow it if it makes you uncomfortable. But you did ask if you were over-reacting. On this one point I think you are.

mddenton · Aug 24, 2009, 03:53 PM

Wow! I hope you have a better day tomorrow! :)

Jake2008 · Aug 24, 2009, 04:09 PM

The shower was only one example of decisions made by your mother-in-law, without your permission.

Why can't you just say no.

When they go to put her in their bed, say "No, I'd rather her be in her own bed so that I can check on her through the night". Simple.

When your mother in law decides to have a shower with YOUR daughter, say, "No, it isn't necessary, she had her bath this morning". Simple.

You say your mother in law is passive aggressive, and she takes liberties with your daughter that make you uncomfortable. She has put a wedge between you and your daughter, not your husband, so why can't you speak up for yourself?

If she is walking all over you, and you allow it to go on, you have only yourself to blame, when she shows up in your home and takes over.

I know it is not an easy thing to do, but when you take charge of making decisions regarding your daughter, even little ones that others may take as being petty and not necessary, who cares!

We all need boundaries. She has crossed yours. My opinion is you should nip this in the bud.

mddenton · Aug 24, 2009, 04:24 PM

Thanks! I actually made the call today. It was very relieving. Not sure where this leaves she and I but she definitely knows where I stand. Believe me it is not the first time I have had to tell her to keep her ideals to herself. But me husband is either not getting the message across or they simply do not respect his wishes either. I have been in shouting matches with them about putting my daughter in daycare. It was insane! I really want to get along with her and I love the responses. It makes me realize that it is OK to speak up when you're not happy with something.

Jake2008 · Aug 24, 2009, 04:32 PM

Good for you for taking charge.

Hopefully when they get used to this boundary you have set, she will respect it. She really needs to ask permission before doing any activity, and/or making decisions about your daughter.

It really is all about respect I think.

tickle · Aug 24, 2009, 05:10 PM

Originally Posted by ScottGem

t. But unless you or someone else, can show me some clinical evidence that this may be harmful to a child, I'll standby my opinion.

Not saying it is harmful, how can it be physically harmful? Of course not. My mother in law, or my mother would never had considered taking my son in the shower (with them) at any young age. I don't know what this woman is thinking. Does she miss the closeness of a baby ? Maybe yes, and from what the OP remarks about her, she has some physcological issues that have to be worked out before she even handles a youngster. How old is this mother in law ?

Clinical evidence, I don't think clinical here has anything to do with it. It is a mom and her baby and nothing in between and only what the mom should allow and this is what has to be worked out between the two of them.

Tick

artlady · Aug 24, 2009, 05:27 PM

My mother was the same way with my boys.

She also used to undermine my authority and allow all sorts of things I never did.

Snacks before dinner.Soda with dinner.If they didn't want to take a shower,that was O.K. as well as many other things , the list is endless.

My kids and I spent a lot of time was Mom as she was disabled and I cared for her.

It came down to this "Ma I am tired of arguing with you about these rules but I am the mother and I will not come over anymore if you continue to undermine me".
It worked somewhat :)

The grandparent relationship is very special and it is a blessing to both the child and the GP but you should not be made to feel uncomfortable.

There is a tactful and diplomatic way to handle it.

Speak to her privately and explain how she is making you feel.

Assure her you know that her actions come from a place of love but she needs to know you have the final say.

Ask her to ask you in the future before she makes decisions.

Your husband has to back you up as well.

mddenton · Aug 24, 2009, 05:28 PM

I agree. I didn't think it is harmful. My daughter has no thoughts about it what-so-ever. But, the mother-in-law should have never allowed her to get in the shower in the first place. I would never do this to my best friend or sister or even my daughter many years from now. It is the respect of mother-child intimacy. When I decided to put my daughter in daycare one day a week, she yelled at me and followed me around Target telling me that I have no right to do this and how I didn't prepare them for this. It was really bizarre. I explained to her that I do not hold family meetings to discuss the well-being of my children and I certainly do not appreciate her tactics. I have been to a therapist about this because I need to talk with someone one-on-one about these things. I have never been faced with such critical family issues. My mom gives me advice but she also gives me the space to make mistakes and never assumes that I can't mentally or physically take care of my kids. God it feels god to get it out! My husband doesn't really understand because he is caught in between his wife and his mother. It frustrates me to no end that he can't speak up for me and that I had to make the phone call to get my point across properly. But with the help from level-headed and normal people like "tickle" and "jake2008" I am happy knowing that I will get an honest unbiased answer and not just something someone thinks I want to hear. Kudos to this website!

mddenton · Aug 24, 2009, 05:29 PM

Originally Posted by artlady

My mother was the same way with my boys.

She also used to undermine my authority and allow all sorts of things I never did.

Snacks before dinner.Soda with dinner.If they didn't want to take a shower,that was O.K. as well as many other things , the list is endless.

My kids and I spent a lot of time was Mom as she was disabled and I cared for her.

It came down to this "Ma I am tired of arguing with you about these rules but I am the mother and I will not come over anymore if you continue to undermine me".
It worked somewhat :)

The grandparent relationship is very special and it is a blessing to both the child and the GP but you should not be made to feel uncomfortable.

There is a tactful and diplomatic way to handle it.

Speak to her privately and explain how she is making you feel.

Assure her you know that her actions come from a place of love but she needs to know you have the final say.

Ask her to ask you in the future before she makes decisions.

Your husband has to back you up as well.

Absolutely!

Gemini54 · Aug 25, 2009, 12:27 AM

I agree with the others.

I think that with someone like your MIL, you should be firm, kind, and leave no room for doubt that you are the mother and primary caregiver and that YOU make the decisions regarding the child's welfare and well-being.

For future reference, because I'm sure there will be more 'rants' in years to come, there is an old response technique called the 'broken record technique'. This means that you just repeat what you have said previously in the same kind, tone of voice : e.g.

"I have decided that she will go into daycare one day a week. I'm sorry of that upsets you, but that's what we have decided". Repeat quietly while she rants and until she stops.

Do not allow her to berate you or harass you, leave her house if you must (after all, I'm sure she wants to see her grandchild), and give that husband of yours a good kick up the butt - this is his responsibility as well and he needs to 'man up'.

spoilsport · Sep 4, 2009, 05:32 AM

Hey,
Be careful not to get too negative about this. It must be terribly painful but if you try and get angry it might just increase your troubles.
You might also observe your own body language and ckeck out how your mood effects your kid.
Every grandmom is bound to loose patience and have a limit to what they can do. Where as a mom doesn't really have a limit as far as I know... so it's a matter of time. Most importantly if yo get angry upset, talk back or tell your husband you are alienatingyourself.. not to mention the hurt to go through as well.
And your kid might become a way to hurt you too if you show that such things effect you. And kid might also take advantage. So you need to be soft and firm - but once in a while if the kid wants to sleep with grandparents its OK right?
Simply give a bath to your kid before your motherinlaw takes hers.
Hope this helps.
Good luck.