[hardworkingmom]

The story:
All right, my husband had sex with another woman while we were takign some time apart to think. He got her pregnant. Now this woman didn't want the baby. Has said all along that she would get an abortion cause she can't handle the responsibility and does have the money or patience to be a mom. Fair enough right? But he doesn't want her to abort the baby, and would much rather take the baby once it's born. And I agree with that. (The air has cleared around us). She's now too far to have an abortion and has told us since it's too late to abort she wants us to take the baby and wants nothing to do with it. Basically pretend like it never existed. I don't understand how she can due that, since I could never have done that to either of my children. Now she's 7.5 months along and we've started looking at it more logically.

The question:
We don't want to do this through court, and without a lawyer preferably. Since if she changes her mind and wants to keep the baby after all, good for her right!? Since he is the birth father he theoretically has the right to take the baby home from the hospital after it's born right? And she has the ability of signing off her parental rights in the hospital. But where do I sit through all this? We've come to terms with this, are working forward, but if we are going to be taking this child from this woman, I believe in raising the baby as our own.
By saying that, as his wife but not birth mother, would I be assuming custody after she signs off her parental rights? And since I have a full time job, would I be able for parental leave since it would be a newborn (and god knows my husband doesn't know what to do, even though we have two beautiful children of our own). What about EI?

Please reply, but be kind. I am not asking because of being clueless, I am simply asking for some advice.

[LearningAsIGo]

I STRONGLY suggest hiring a lawyer to establish a formal adoption.

Since if she changes her mind and wants to keep the baby after all, good for her right!?

Think about it. Is it really good for the BABY? If she's honestly admitting she isn't interested, she's not ready... why should that change? And if it does, is that really a good thing? What if she changes her mind when the child is 3 years old and your whole family is torn apart? If she wants the baby back, would you and your husband still be in his/her life?

This is exactly why a lawyer should be involved for all 4 of you to be protected. Establishing proper custodial rights is the only way to go in cases like this. This is not a person or situation that should be taken lightly.

At least get a free consultation from a lawyer to see what he/she'd recommend. Act fast - babies don't always come on time.

[N0help4u]

I think there are two options here

She can sign over the baby terminating her rights and you can agree to her seeing the baby if you want to.

The other is he can go to court and file for sole custody.

If you don't sign legally as a parent then you may not be eligible for parental right leave.

You have to do these through a lawyer.

[tickle]

Heck, I applaud your tenacity and wanting to take care of this baby from another woman. Not many will do what you are doing, hardworking !

I don't think you can do this without consulting an attorney, to be quite honest. There are legal complications and not as simple as her signing over her rights at the hospital and your husband bringing the baby home. His role in this mess isn't in doubt as far as he being the father, etc. but you have to know legally where you stand, and the only way you will do that is to consult a professional. You have to protect yourself.

Ms tickle

[hardworkingmom]

She can sign over the baby terminating her rights and you can agree to her seeing the baby if you want to.

The other is he can go to court and file for sole custody.

If you don't sign legally as a parent then you would not be eligible for parental right leave.


So if we choose the "terminating her rights and letting her see the baby when she wants to" route, we obviously still need a lawyer correct? And how about's do I go to sign legally as a parent. Do I need to adopt the baby first?? We do not have the money for adoption (the only research I've found is a couple thousand to tens of thousands) and therefore were trying to stay away from that. But would do anything else.

Of course we don't believe that it's good for the baby if she wants to keep it. But I want her to be serious about her decision and think about it long and hard. Hrmmm, if she terminates her rights to the baby, does she still have the ability to take the baby back? Or just visitation when we offer.

[N0help4u]

If she terminates her rights she can not take the baby back.

The cheaper way is for your husband to file for sole or full or primary custody.
She still would not be able to take that away from him expect she may be able to go for more visitations and have it modified to joint.

I really don't know what your rights would be in all this but I think you would be at least at something like guardian status.

[tickle]

I don't think you, per se, have to adopt the baby. Your husband is the father, so he doesn't have to adopt either. Parental leave, well, you will have to consult about that one. The cheapest way would be to ask your employer if you don't have a problem with that seeing as you may not want them to know where the baby came from.?

If she terminates her rights and signs over the baby to the natural father, she can't go back on it. Visitation, well, I know you are trying to think down the road, but is not an issue for now. But yes, you are right, she has to think long and hard about this cause she can't go back on it.

Keep your thoughts coming, hardworkingmom, there is no limit to how long we can all talk about this, as long as we don't rehash the same thing over and over again.

Ms tickle

[Justwantfair]

I have to highly suggest the mother terminating her rights and your adoption of the child.

If you go about this in any other fashion, you risk eighteen years of custody fighting, should this woman ever change her mind (and she might).

I would consult with an attorney as soon as possible, the adoption should not cost thousands of dollars, the mother is terminating her rights by her choice, if this is all agreeable, then there will not be any legal expenses outside of hourly fees.

At the very least, while this is agreeable I would get her intentions in writing, should she decide to change her mind, to allow for an easier battle for custody, should she decide not to terminate her rights.

[cdad]

Where is this all taking place because it sounds just like a post we had here a few days ago ?

The reason for asking is there will be local rules that will apply to your case. It sounds like what you want is for this woman to be a surroget mother for the child. And if she is going to be there to visit the child then you will want an open adoption process. None of this can be done outside a courtroom. Get a lawyer and do it right or you might find yourself in a really bad spot after bonding and having the child taken from you.

[hardworkingmom]

I dont think you, per se, have to adopt the baby. Your husband is the father, so he doesnt have to adopt either. Parental leave, well, you will have to consult about that one. The cheapest way would be to ask your employer if you dont have a problem with that seeing as you may not want them to know where the baby came from. ??

We were hoping to adopt the child at some point when our finances ease up a little bit. But since its my husbands biological child wouldn't I have some sort of guardianship or ustody over the child after she terminates her right?

More on terminating her rights. I'm curious about this. The bets way to do so is to consult in a lawyer, I'm aware of that. But would it all take place with the lawyer writing up a document and havign her sign it before birth of directly after birth?

And does anyone know how it would work for dissmisal of the hospital?

As for the question on us tryign to have her as our surrogate, that's absurd. This whole situation was a mistake from the get go. But instead of dwellign on it, we are trying to look at it positively and are solely thinkign about the wellbeing of the child and our family. It just so happens that we will be takign the baby due to her havign wanted to terminate it from the beginning. So now she's wanting to give it up either for adoption or to us. Of course we'll take the baby.

As for the paternity, I talked to my employer and they have guaranteed me as long as I am in custody of the newborn I am entitled to 37 weeks paternity and thank god they will top of my EI to 93%. I am only concerned about the EI now though. How would I be going about applying for EI if I am not the woman giving birth?

[J_9]

How are you related to lonely_and_lost , ladybug123 , and sunshinewoman?

Apparently you all have the same IP address.

[Justwantfair]

I dont think you, per se, have to adopt the baby. Your husband is the father, so he doesnt have to adopt either. Parental leave, well, you will have to consult about that one. The cheapest way would be to ask your employer if you dont have a problem with that seeing as you may not want them to know where the baby came from. ??

We were hoping to adopt the child at some point when our finances ease up a little bit. But since its my husbands biological child wouldn't I have some sort of guardianship or ustody over the child after she terminates her right?

More on terminating her rights. I'm curious about this. The bets way to do so is to consult in a lawyer, I'm aware of that. But would it all take place with the lawyer writing up a document and havign her sign it before birth of directly after birth??

And does anyone know how it would work for dissmisal of the hospital?

As for the question on us tryign to have her as our surrogate, that's absurd. This whole situation was a mistake from the get go. But instead of dwellign on it, we are trying to look at it positively and are soley thinkign about the wellbeing of the child and our family. It just so happens that we will be takign the baby due to her havign wanted to terminate it from the beginning. So now she's wanting to give it up either for adoption or to us. Of course we'll take the baby.

As for the paternity, I talked to my employer and they have guaranteed me as long as I am in custody of the newborn I am entitled to 37 weeks paternity and thank god they will top of my EI to 93%. I am only concerned about the EI now though. How woudl I be going about applying for EI if I am not the woman giving birth?

To my knowledge, she will not be allowed to terminate her rights if there is not a mother to adopt the child. They don't just allow a mother or a father to walk away from a child for the child to be without a mother or a father.

[Justwantfair]

How are you related to lonely_and_lost , ladybug123 , and sunshinewoman?

Apparently you all have the same IP address.

The stories are all so similar, but with completely different background.
Everything from a friend willing to be a surrogate, to a friend that victimized and seduced your husband and was now extorting money and goods for the situation. With the ever changing story, you will have a hard time in court with this situation.

[J_9]

The stories are all so similiar, but with completely different background.

And the Same IP address meaning they are coming from the same location.

[tickle]

And the EXACT same IP address meaning they are coming from the same location.

Then is there any reason to continue with this thread? It seems quite senseless giving time and thought to it.

Tick

[J_9]

Then is there any reason to continue with this thread? It seems quite senseless giving time and thought to it.

tick

Agreed and closed