[tinydaffodil]

Hello, I had been dating my boyfriend for 7 months when he was involved in an accident. He has now been in hospital over 4 months and will be there for at least another 9. Although badly physically, he is recovering and will get better. When I first met him, he was still getting over a previous relationship. He had been living with his ex for six years and after splitting, they had continued to see each other on and off for several months purely for sex. However this stopped when we got together and his ex also found a new partner.

Shortly after his accident, my boyfriend was obviously very confused mainly due to the high medication he was taking. One evening he broke down and cried, saying how much he missed his ex and wanted to see her. She eventually turned up to visit him and continued to visit once or twice a week. To cut a very long story short, for several weeks I put up with this situation as I trusted him and believed him when he said that although he still had feelings for his ex, it was me he wanted to be with now and in the future.
One of the main attractions towards my boyfriend in the beginning, was the feeling that I could trust him completely. We were so close and open with each other.

Over the past few months, we are still as close. Unfortunately, a couple of months back he admitted to me that when we first got together his ex was jealous and there were two occasions when he saw her and had sex. He said it was literally within the first weeks of being with me, but the pain it caused me was overwhelming. His ex is quite a manipulative person. Whenever she was drunk or fed-up, she use to ring him and try and make him jealous. She talk about what she'd been getting up to and with who. The only times she ever contacted him, were when she wasn't in another relationship with someone else.

He then said that despite his love for me, he still felt there was unfinished business with his ex and he said he had to try again with her.

As you could imagine, I was gutted and completely heartbroken. For the next couple of weeks I experienced such grief. I couldn't believe that he had pushed me aside to go back with a woman who had cheated and hurt him so much in the past.

I finally pulled myself together and wrote him a letter. In it I tried to disguise my hurt and told him that I wished him all the best and that I'd accepted his decision.
That was then and this is now... after my letter he changed his mind. Said he nearly made the biggest mistake of his life by letting me go and that he realises that he doesn't want his ex back after all.

Perhaps I should now feel happy? But why do I feel so confused and sad. I loved my boyfriend so much and now I feel empty. I visit him every day at the hospital and spend all my spare time on him. But each day I seem to be waiting for him to hurt me again. My trust in him has disappeared and although his ex has now stopped visiting, she does ring him up whenever she's feeling fed-up. I explained to my boyfriend how I feel, how I do want to trust him again, but no doubt it will take time. He doesn't seem to realise how much it hurts me his ex ringing him. I told him that I don't want her calling and that he should tell her not to, but he says he doesn't want to lose her as a friend...
So now I spend our time apart thinking if he's speaking to her and what tricks she might be up to.

I once would have done anything for him without question. Now I have a heavy heart and the daily trips to the hospital are taking their toll. What can I do to feel happy again? What do you think my boyfriend should do to make things right between us?

[talaniman]

The question isn't what he can do. The question is what should you be doing to make yourself happy. Honestly to expect someone to do what you want is a fools game, unless you are a controlling manipulative type. In my opinion you should be doing the things you enjoy that bring you confidence and satisfaction. Never depend on any one to make you feel whole or happy, another fool's game. He obviously has issues from his past, and will not budge to your demands to move on from his ex, so look out for yourself and build a life with out him and his baggage. I bet he likes you doing things for him in his time of need and its wearing you out physically and emotionally. Sorry. I can have no sympathy for someone who keeps running head first into a brick wall for any reason. He is not for you, so stop playing this game you cannot win and think of you. He isn't, is he?

[Skell]

I can not add much more to the brilliant answer you have above. That's why Tal has the word expert in his profile.
Magnificant response. Had to spread again. It seems to be getting harder to Rep people these days.

It must be hard for you but you seem to be blind to the fact that this guy just isn't right for you. It is clear to see in your words that you aren't happy. Rather trying so so hard, too hard, to be happy with someone that you just can't trust and probably never ever will. And if you can't trust someone then you will never have anything. NEVER.

But please, just read the above response again. I think it is the best advice you will receive.

I truly am sorry to hear about you're a situation though and I can see your pain. But please tick around here and let everyone help you through whatever path you take.

[valinors_sorrow]

I am so sorry for your confusion and likely loss of your relationship.

As gently as I can, I am telling you the mistake you made was to get involved with someone who is not clear of their ex, which was pretty apparent almost from the beginning. Yours is likely a rebound relationship.

Rebounds are used to make the person feel good (at anyone's expense too, by the way) and delay the greiving. Its not a real relationship and sooner or later the selfish, self-centered agenda rears its head and spoils everything. The "innocent" person often is left in the most devastating manner and its almost like they catch the virus and turn around and sign up for a rebound relationship themselves. And on and on.

Here is what many experts say, not just me. The end of a relationship is a BIG loss. Like a death, it requires grieving. While grieving a person is really fragile so they tend to shield themselves from people a bit and stick with close friends or family only. Those who have ended a relationship ought to not date for a year. That is suggested because that is what traditions used to dictate a widow or widower take before they "rejoined" society. Its not a bad practice to follow considering all that is at stake.

I hope you take Tal's and my words to heart and begin healing so you will eventually be in great shape and find the relationship with someone who honors you. This one did not.

[s_cianci]

Your boyfriend has been put through the ringer emotionally and has now had a traumatic experience which will require extensive recuperation. He really doesn't have the faculties for a meaningful relationship with anyone right now. Also, I'm sure that other posters will tell you this but you're making yourself way too available to this guy. Visiting him every day at the hospital and spending all your spare time with him is not good, especially since you've admitted that it's taking its toll on you. Obviously you're concerned about him and that's good, but you've got to live your own life now, especially since he's so unavailable to you right now. You're not sure that you can trust him and maybe you can't. That said, it isn't at all fair to you to build your life around him when nothing may ever come of it. You need to get out and build your own life. Cut back, way back, on the hospital visits and telephone conversations. Make him miss you and wonder what you're up to. Do the things you enjoy. Come to the realization and also make him realize that you can be just as happy without him as with him and that you don't need him to make you happy. Doing these things will actually make you far more attractive to him and increase the chances that he'll eventually come around. On the other hand, chaining yourself to his bedside won't do it as he'll always take you for granted and assume that you'll always be there for him. Make him earn the right to be with you.