[grandma51]

Hi,
Thank you for this opportunity to ask other members for another way of seeing my difficulties. I feel stuck and very negative.

I am almost 60 years old and feel that my life has amounted to nothing. I didn't always feel like this. In fact a few years ago I felt pretty pleased with myself. I had 2 lovely daughters, both grown up and married and I was a proud grandmother to 2 wonderful grandsons whom I loved dearly. Divorced for many years from my girls' father, I had a new love in my life and everything was rosy on the domestic front.
There was always a low level of strain between my daughters and myself, but I believed that this would sort itself out in time. This was not to be.

Their father, a very troubled man, could be very difficult. Very bright and articulate he was charming and charismatic, but in private, alcoholic, angry and often violent. I was weak and foolish when it came to the divorce. I did not fight him for anything. All I wanted was to get away and make something of my life. I lost my home and all my savings and started again with nothing.

With the benefit of a small legacy from my mother and a lot of luck I built up a very good business, putting my girls through college and setting them up financially with their husbands in their own homes. I was very happy to do this until quite suddenly I found that they had turned against me and had cut me out of their lives. I was broken hearted. They also denied me access to my grandchildren, the hardest blow of all.

Looking back, I realised that since the divorce my daughters, their husbands and my ex husband had all built up a myth with me as the villain of the piece. I completely failed to see it coming. Essentially, they had been laughing at me behind my back. I felt foolish and used since their father had contributed almost nothing to the girls' education or anything else.

Now, due to the recession my business is in tatters. Two things I had put my heart and soul into, my family and my business are gone and I am bereft. I know I have much to be thankful for as I have a loving partner and enough to live on, but I feel that all the important decisions I made in my life were wrong. I should have reared my children differently, should have been stronger in the divorce, should have made better business decisions, should have seen how things were with my girls and quit the denial, the list goes on. Sometimes I feel suicidal.

How can I start over? What pieces are there to pick up at this stage of my life?









Since then major setbacks have occurred and I just have lost my ability to move on.

[-Seven-]

Try and see if you can work out a meeting or phone call with one of them and see what the real deal is, ask if there is anything you can do to fix things. If it's on your fault, see what you can do to change? Or if you feel you are not at fault, try explaining your perspective and see if she has anything enlightening to say.

If non of this works out, just let her know that you made the effort to let them know you are willing to change anything to be apart of their lives (if that is what you wish), and that it's a shame that they will not allow or accept any love from you under any apparent circumstances... If you are then still rejected... well they would have to have some serious issues, but I doubt it'd end up like that after everything's said and done.

If you can say these things sincerely, then there is absolutely nothing wrong on your part, you shouldn't be judged upon that which you aren't aware of.

Good luck

[grandma51]

Thanks for your suggestions, Seven. I appreciate the advice but I tried in the beginning to renew contact with my daughters but got nowhere. I still send cards for Christmas and birthdays but never get a reply. Last Christmas, as it was about 3 years since I had seen either of them I wrote a message on each of the cards saying simply that I was sorry for any upset or hurt I had caused them. I also sent this message to their father.This was for myself more than for them as I thought it might help me to find closure and move on with my life, but there was no response and it is getting harder, not easier to come to terms with the loss.

[N0help4u]

I hear so many grandma's, especially coming to this site, with the same problem as you. It kills me to see that people can be so shallow about accepting whatever someone else tells them without checking the facts. Especially when it comes to your own mom. It sounds like we have the total opposite problems.
I have my kids okay with me and my grandbaby, but never have had any good financial stability or loving guy in my life.
I feel like I have been losing hope lately too.
I don't know what the best way to fix things is. Sometimes I wish we could turn back the hands of time to just fix hurts.

[-Seven-]

I really can't think of a method to break through to them if they won't even hear you out...

It really bugs me that you or anyone has to go through this.

If anything, you have a heart and even if it doesn't break through to those you love you can always be confident that you are doing right and doing your best and that holds the same value regardless of success or failure. Don't regret your mistakes, be proud of who you are, to live any other way will only bring you down. I know how it must feel to wonder that maybe you screwed up somewhere. The point is that you care, and to think that possible past mistakes would take away from your value and what you stand for NOW is absurd.

Keep your head up. ;)

Maybe one of these days you'll think of something unique to wake them up.

[taoplr]

Hi,
Thank you for this opportunity to ask other members for another way of seeing my difficulties. I feel stuck and very negative.

I am almost 60 years old and feel that my life has amounted to nothing. I didn't always feel like this. In fact a few years ago I felt pretty pleased with myself. I had 2 lovely daughters, both grown up and married and I was a proud grandmother to 2 wonderful grandsons whom I loved dearly. Divorced for many years from my girls' father, I had a new love in my life and everything was rosy on the domestic front.
There was always a low level of strain between my daughters and myself, but I believed that this would sort itself out in time. This was not to be.

Their father, a very troubled man, could be very difficult. Very bright and articulate he was charming and charismatic, but in private, alcoholic, angry and often violent. I was weak and foolish when it came to the divorce. I did not fight him for anything. All I wanted was to get away and make something of my life. I lost my home and all my savings and started again with nothing.

With the benefit of a small legacy from my mother and a lot of luck I built up a very good business, putting my girls through college and setting them up financially with their husbands in their own homes. I was very happy to do this until quite suddenly I found that they had turned against me and had cut me out of their lives. I was broken hearted. They also denied me access to my grandchildren, the hardest blow of all.

Looking back, I realised that since the divorce my daughters, their husbands and my ex husband had all built up a myth with me as the villian of the piece. I completely failed to see it coming. Essentially, they had been laughing at me behind my back. I felt foolish and used since their father had contributed almost nothing to the girls' education or anything else.

Now, due to the recession my business is in tatters. Two things I had put my heart and soul into, my family and my business are gone and I am bereft. I know I have much to be thankful for as I have a loving partner and enough to live on, but I feel that all the important decisions I made in my life were wrong. I should have reared my children differently, should have been stronger in the divorce, should have made better business decisions, should have seen how things were with my girls and quit the denial, the list goes on. Sometimes I feel suicidal.

How can I start over? What pieces are there to pick up at this stage of my life?

Since then major setbacks have occured and I just have lost my ability to move on.

I think that you have more power in your hands than you realize. You have a sanctuary with your partner, and you have a roof over your head. You also have a big problem to resolve and you have the personal resources with which to resolve it. You are the same person who started anew and became successful enough to bring up your daughters in the best way you knew. You are resilient, smart, and tough, and there's no reason for you to relinquish your power, your ability to make things happen.

You obviously made some serious mistakes along the way. Your daughters and their husbands didn't dream up their position out of nothing. No matter how they personally feel, they surely didn't make the decision to cut you off from your grandchildren lightly. Don't put the whole thing on the shoulders of their father; he's not that powerful any more. Maybe he never was.

You don't understand their stories of their lives as they perceive them, and you have defended yourself against hearing what it's like to be your daughter. This didn't "suddenly" happen. It took years! If you can truly understand what got them to where they are, and take responsibility for whatever your part was in that, and leave them responsibility for their parts--all of them, including your ex--you create new choices for everyone about how to approach the problem and new possible outcomes. You remove an obstacle, the opposition, and in doing that you open the door to mutual honesty and candor. In other words, you grow in power—influence—when you start learning what you have resisted learning for many years.

It boils down to whether you want this deeply enough to open up. What are their stated complaints? What are their declared reasons for distancing themselves from you? Tell us that in words that they would say are true representations of their position. No spin, just the message. We can move ahead from there.

Meanwhile, read any book that attracts you by Byron Katie. Start right away.

You can do this, and it will be worth it.

Tao

[N0help4u]

I have seen many adult kids dream up things out of no where and end up cutting ties with giving their parents any chance to defend themselves.

I know it does happen but Taop;r is right. You have a good life and you need to work on building on that and use every opportunity that arises to your benefit.

[Gemini54]

but I feel that all the important decisions I made in my life were wrong. I should have reared my children differently, should have been stronger in the divorce, should have made better business decisions, should have seen how things were with my girls and quit the denial, the list goes on. Sometimes I feel suicidal.

You can't change the past, and you can't change how your family perceives your actions in the past. Yes, life is full of 'shoulds', but what good will come of beating yourself up?

I hear your pain and despair but you may need to accept that you will probably never have the relationship with your daughters that you would like. It has taken a whole lifetime to create this dynamic, and it's not something that will be cleared by you writing an apology in a card.

I also suspect that your abusive ex-husband may have deliberately alienated you from your daughters by turning you into the villain - this is a common strategy used by abusive partners (see Parental Alienation Syndrome) and may be what has happened in your circumstances.

I would suggest that for yourself respect, and mental and emotional health, you need to do the following things:

Firstly, it's important to keep sending the cards and the presents to your daughters and your grandchildren. Don't stop doing this.

Secondly, as has already been suggested by this forum's wise posters, look at the good things that you have in your life. There are many and you must focus on these. The economy will change and there will be other opportunities - you have the drive to be able to take advantage of this.

Thirdly, take some time to do some self examination (not self flagellation!) perhaps with the help of a counseling professional. Examine what part you had to play in the dynamic that played out with your daughters and what you have learnt from it.

Fourthly, accept the situation for what it is and forgive yourself. You can't change what has happened, but you can change how you perceive it. You did your best at the time. That is all that we can do.

I wish you all the very best.