[ocean16]

I'm not married, but for years have been deeply in love, and committed to a relationship with a man in a foreign country. We have cultural differences, so sometimes communication and customs differ and there's no end to the learning process.

After spending one or two nights a week together, he's started spending most nights with me. I'd never realized how jealous he is, before, and not being jealous myself, it completely blind sides me when he overacts. So, the other night one of my male friends, from my same country (who's many years older than me, and nothing but a friend), and I met on my way home and on his way to dinner, so we walked together. It was just after dark, maybe 7:30 or 8 at the latest, although I usually like to be home by 6. We were talking and laughing along the way, like friends do, but when we got to my turn-off, he suddenly turned to kiss me... Well, I turned my face, so it ended up being my cheek, and then he said "give me a hug, then." I relented in patting him on the shoulder and left. It was later, when my boyfriend didn't show up as usual, I realized that he might have seen us somehow. He came by for a few minutes the next evening and was cold as ice, looking hurt, and would not tell me why. I should have told him what had happened, and taken the chance that he wouldn't have told me it was my fault, even though it wasn't instigated by me. It was only a friendly exchange on MY part, and who would have thought it would cause such a big problem. He seems to have already judged me, and thinks I was cheating. I really love him and would never hurt him in any way, or ever leave him for another man. I'm being totally honest in saying that. I could leave him for other reasons, but never that one. Couldn't imagine being intimate with any other man, although he's certainly not my first, he will be my last. I've told him that many times over the years but it doesn't seem to help. What do I do? How can I reassure him? Make him understand that I was innocently walking home with a friend when things went stupid. Please help. I really need to get this sorted.

[N0help4u]

IF he can't believe you and he can't trust you then maybe the reason this happened was so that you could see a side of him that you haven't yet.
Trust me if he is this way it is only the tip of the iceberg that you are seeing now. If he can't accept that you are just friends and feels it has to be more he is going to get more suspicious and check up on everything you do and say.
How did he happen to see this?
Did he just happen to be going by there to go somewhere or coming back from somewhere?
OR was he actually waiting to see what you were up to?

You may love him to death but his untrusting attitude may prove that you love only what you see... so far.

[liz28]

First, you already stated this man your seeing is a jealous person. This means he already had insecurities before you got involved with him. Guess what? You can't change him nor can you make his insecurities disappear. This is something he has to work on in order to change.

Secondly, you didn't cheat. Your friend tried to kiss you but you didn't let that happen. You did nothing wrong.

[HotPotato2009]

True that

[ocean16]

Thank you to NOhelp4U, and liz28 for your comments. I'll try to answer your questions. I was later than my normal time to come home, and he could see that I wasn't home from a distance because my outside light wasn't on. I don't think he was spying, exactly, but he's not so easy to see in the dark, so he could have been innocently standing on the beach. When he saw me walking with someone, he probably just stood there watching and listening. AND, got the wrong impression of what exactly happened.

No, I don't believe you can change a person, they have to change themselves. In a past relationship that he had, he found his girlfriend of 8 years, in bed with one of his friends. So, I can understand that would be a memory one would never really get over. His insecurity problem with me, is that he knows he hasn't been treating me well since mid-February. One morning when I didn't feel like his advances, he said that maybe I wanted someone sweeter. I said, NO way, and gave in so as not to have him feel that way. But, I haven't told him how much I love him, in the throes of passion, in months, which was always my norm. He had to notice that. In the last couple weeks, he's been making a conscious effort to be the beautiful person that he'd always been, and the person that I'd been overwhelming in love with, and now THIS happened.

I appreciate you saying that I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't think so, but felt so guilty to have inadvertently hurt him. If you could have seen the look on his face, it would have made you cry. I so desperately need to make him understand what really went on, and have him accept me in the same way he did before.

We have a trusted local friend, and I talked to him about this, yesterday. My boyfriend has been MIA since Friday, so I haven't seen him to try to explain, and it's killing me. Our friend said he would try to find him today, and hopefully he can talk some sense into him. He will get upset that I told someone our personal business, but I had to take that chance. Wish me luck!

Thanks again for your help--I appreciate it more than you can ever imagine. Living in a foreign country without a good friend to talk to is very hard.

[N0help4u]

You need to reassure him more that you do love him. I know it is hard for some guys to get over catching an ex cheating. They all seem to end up thinking that all girls will cheat the second they get the chance.
You could try calling and letting him know you are running late and you ran into an old friend, etc...
I know that when anybody lives in the same house as me or in a relationship with me I think it is only common curtesy to let the others have a general idea of what you are up to.
You do also need to take his different culture into consideration.

[I wish]

The others have given very good advice. Just to add on what they mentioned:

1) You need to separate both guys, there are two different issues.

2) You acted appropriately with your friend. He made advances and you backed away like a girlfriend should. So I commend you for that.

3) We have no idea what your boyfriend saw. I thought that maybe he tried to find you after 6pm, but he couldn't because you were not at home. So since he's already a very insecure person, this just adds to his insecurities.

4) If he saw you with that guy, it really sounds like he's stalking you. I'm not sure if you're freaked out by it, but I would be.

5) There is the whole trust issue. If he's angry for whatever reason, you really need to find out what's on his mind. I think you should have told him that you stayed out later than normal with a friend and that your friend made advances, but you refutted those advances. But like I said, we have no idea why your boyfriend is hiding away until you ask him, so no point guessing.

6) Remember how I said to separate both guys. As for your boyfriend, it sounds like he might not be the type of guy that matches you very well. If you're not the jealous type of person but he is, then there's a huge imbalance. You already admitted that you can't change a person, so unless you can accept the way he is, there's always going to be a rift between the two of you. I'm just not sure that's healthy in a relationship, but that's your decision.

[LJDK]

I am a firm believer, do not hang with the opposite sex alone without your partner.

Why? Because of what happened now. Besides that; it gives people a chance to stir nonsense. Lets say someone wants you and your boyfriend to break up so he can make a move, knowing you spent time with someone else, he can easily start a rumor.

Boyfriend has doubts, regardless of trusting you or not. Ive seen it happen countless times. Jealous types or not... hanging out with opposite sex without your partner makes room for rumors which will quickly boil into a larger issue that would have been avoided did you not go there.

I see your boyfriends perspective. But that's maybe because I have been cheated on before and I do have trust issues.

[N0help4u]

Either way having friends of the opposite sex or not you have to be healthy enough in your outlook on life, love and trust to be open to letting them explain and letting time prove things out.
You can't make blanket statements to yourself that your significant other must be cheating because they happened to cross paths with an old friend and/or they happened to have a nice conversation.
Jumping to conclusions is unhealthy.

[ocean16]

You need to reassure him more that you do love him. I know it is hard for some guys to get over catching an ex cheating. They all seem to end up thinking that all girls will cheat the second they get the chance.
You could try calling and letting him know you are running late and you ran into an old friend, etc.....
I know that when anybody lives in the same house as me or in a relationship with me I think it is only common curtesy to let the others have a general idea of what you are up to.
You do also need to take his different culture into consideration.

I would reassure him of my love, and explain this incident, IF I was able to find him! He doesn't actually live with me full time, so I don't expect him for dinner nightly, and some night's he doesn't come by at all. His choice, and no problem by me. Also, he does not have a cell phone so I couldn't phone him to let him know I'd be late, either. I've always called him in the past, but his phone recently died, and he hasn't gotten a new one yet. Even when he had one, he rarely carried it, or had credit on it to call back, if he missed a call. We had trust in our relationship before he started acting horrible to everyone, not just me, and made himself become insecure. I'm just so afraid he will go away, to get over me and find someone else, before I have the chance to make things right...

Regarding the culture, I do my best to understand it, and act accordingly. I actually mix well with the locals, accepted by them for the most part, and generally liked, as well. So, I must be doing something right :-) There are a lot of twists, though, so as I said in the very beginning, there's no end to the learning process.

Thank you and please let me know if you have any other ideas to help correct this situation. Bless.

[N0help4u]

Yes his choice and no problem by you is the only way you can look at it. If he is going to jump to conclusions and decide that you cheated and not allow you to explain then he is not worth it and don't shed any tears over him. Be glad you saw his true colors now.

[ocean16]

yes his choice and no problem by you is the only way you can look at it. If he is going to jump to conclusions and decide that you cheated and not allow you to explain then he is not worth it and don't shed any tears over him. Be glad you saw his true colors now.

He's always been free spirited, so I don't try to control him or the hours he comes by my house. In all these years, we've never gone through something like this. It's usually me that gets angry at him for some of his eh... ways. I think his true colors are that he can't face what he thinks the truth is, and has gone away to lick his wounds. Oh, going back a bit--I think he came by Friday night to give me the chance to tell it about it. But then I didn't, so he assumed the worst. Ultimately, I should have brought it up, and had the argument that would have in-sued, but, instead, I'd tried to sooth his ego by telling him how much I loved him, etc. etc. He still left wearing that sad face and I haven't seen him since to explain. Oddly, I'm not shedding tears, but I feel awful. It's a terrible misunderstanding, and hopefully I'll get a chance to explain before he leaves and becomes untouchable. I don't feel riches simply because I know that I didn't do anything wrong... He's hurt, and I want to fix that.

Thanks for any further advise you may have.

[N0help4u]

I think his true colors are that he can't face what he thinks the truth is, and has gone away to lick his wounds.

Exactly.

And as far as him coming by I believe it could have been innocent and all and you should tell him what you need to right up front but still he is assuming.

The thing that gets me is say they break up over their assumptions and then they see you are not seeing the person at all how stupid it must make them feel.

[Sparky1969]

First I do hope you get this sorted.

Trust in a relationship is about trusting yourself. He is putting his own insurcurities and doubts onto you. You trust yourself to do the right thing therefore you have no issues with him. Becareful of someone who does this.

[s_cianci]

Are you sure he actually saw you? And if he's a jealous as you say he is, why would you even want to be with him?

[talaniman]

Tough being a good girlfriend, and doing the right thing, when your boyfriend is an immature, insecure, impulsive little boy. Your trying to fix things, but he is not. He would rather sulk and think the worst, which is not healthy, nor promote honest communications.

You may have your own issues (don't WE all) and he has his own, and honestly, maybe its best he lick his wounds alone without your help. I know you want this resolved, but doing and saying nothing may be the best thing, as its him that has to change the way he deals with this conflict, not you.

Just be a good listener when he does resurface.

[ocean16]

You all have some valid points. Gossip and starting rumors, is a past-time especially if they're trying to put a move on themselves, or jealous that you're in a nice relationship.

I usually don't go out at night unless my boyfriend and I are meeting, but occasionally something comes up, and being that he doesn't have a phone, I can't let him know, or invite him. Also, it's a bunch of us that get together in the late afternoon--early evening time. It wasn't like I was just hanging with the guy, alone. It was only that we were walking in the same direction, 2 blocks, having a light conversation, when things went sideways.

No, I don't think my boyfriend was stalking me. It was dark, and he's dark, and his eyes would have adjusted so he might think I saw him, and did whatever he thinks he saw, right in front of him. One of his friends could have been there, as well. That would be bad. Also, it's completely normal for him to be in that area at that time of night, so he wasn't doing anything wrong. I really should have lost the guy, and looked to see if my boyfriend was finishing up his days work since I was late--I did make a mistake there, looking back with 20/20 hindsight.

Some people have to get over things in their own time, away from the source of what caused them pain. Hopefully he'll come around so I can explain what I should have from the start. Which is nothing, and that's why I didn't... I thought, why instigate jealousy--Does that make sense?

Thanks again for all your answers... You're a great team!

[N0help4u]

I usually don't go out at night unless my bf and I are meeting, but occasionally something comes up, and being that he doesn't have a phone, I can't let him know, or invite him. Also, it's a bunch of us that get together in the late afternoon--early evening time. It wasn't like I was just hanging with the guy, alone. It was only that we were walking in the same direction, 2 blocks, having a light conversation, when things went sideways.

Some people have to get over things in their own time, away from the source of what caused them pain. Hopefully he'll come around so I can explain what I should have from the start. Which is nothing, and that's why I didn't...I thought, why instigate jealousy--Does that make sense?

Yes it makes perfect sense and if he can't see that and accept your explanation then it is his loss.

[ocean16]

Yes it makes perfect sense and if he can't see that and accept your explanation then it is his loss.

He might accept my explanation if he comes out of hiding, before too long--It certainly would have been better if I'd told him to begin with. Live and learn. He would miss me, but it would really be both our losses.