Check out some similar questions!

JDNH2009 · Jul 11, 2009, 08:20 AM

How are you going today? This is my first thread, and hopefully my last (in the law section anyway!).

The story is some-what complex, as I am sure most are from looking through some of the threads, but I will try and keep it condensed.

So to my story: I am the father and a beautiful 1 month old boy, but he is not *legally* my child. My Ex-Gf and I started dating 2 years ago. We had split up about a year in and I moved back to Michigan from Florida (my hometown). I was in Michigan for a couple months before she decided to come move up to MI with me. In the time I was up there, she had married a good friend of hers who is in the Military for financial reasons. After a few months of her living in Michigan things started falling apart again and we broke up and she moved back to FL.

To both of our surprise, she had moved to FL a pregnant woman with my Child. Once she had realized she was pregnant she called me to let me know and immediately I knew I needed to move down there (my father died when I was 2 so I've always known my kid would not grow up with out a dad). I was still in a lease for an apartment but I was able to buy the landlord out and get out of it a month later and I had moved down to FL to live with her. However, I let her know from the very start that the only reason I was moving to FL was to be with my child, not her.

So now I was living with her, and things were going good. We would frequently sleep in the same bed and had the same 'characteristics' of a relationship, but I would remind her every now and then that it was still not going to go any further than that. This sometimes lead me to be cold-hearted and sometimes just mean to her (to keep the distance there) which I know now really wore on her. However, I did attended every doctors visit, stayed with her every night through the pregnancy, was there for all 14 hours of labor, stayed the weekend in the hospital after birth, was there every night for the first month of his life, as well as pay for 70% of the bills.

And then things finally 'hit the fan' and she was fed up with the whole 'in-a-relationship-but-not-in-a-relationship' deal and decided to kick me out. So I moved to my brother's house about 5 minutes away from her and over the last few days things have got progressively worse.

She was deciding to stay in VA for a couple months with her sister to "Get away from me" and just generally have some time away. I did not like the idea, but I was 'OK' with it. However, now her mom may move to VA and the mother (of my child) has now told me she is going to stay in VA and may not come back. I know it is still early to be certain if all this is true, but I want to know my options before it is too late.

And now for the technicalities (nutshell version): She may be moving to VA and I am still in FL. I have a decent job where I am at and it would be hard to just unroot again and move to VA (especially with no one to live with now). On top of that, she said she may move to CO with her best friend. Her husband is legally the father of the child (although he is not on the birth certificate and my son has her last name). I have given her some money (with a check where I have the stub stating the reason for it was my son) and we have agreed on an amount for Child Support which I don't mind paying at all, but she has only let me see him once in the last week. She even is going to San Diego for a weekend and won't let me watch him for that time (she is letting her mom watch him).

So what can I do? I know my first course of action would be to arrange a DNA test and get legal proof that he is mine, but I am assuming that will cost a fair amount of money. I do have a decent job for my age (I am 19-21 (just for secrecy reasons) and she is 25-27), but not a lot to be getting lawyers and things like that. I did hear that if I involve the courts with the child support that they will pay for the DNA test I believe. Also, if she moves to VA before I can get all of this arranged, would it be too late to put up a fight about her moving? She is also legally married to someone in the military, so don't they have other rights about moving because sometimes they are forced to move?

If you have read this, and even more so decide to comment with some advice, I sincerely thank you for the time. Have a great day :)

JDNH2009

JDNH2009 · Jul 11, 2009, 08:27 AM

Sorry, I could not figure a way to edit the post, but I wanted to mention that *all* medical expenses were paid for by the military (See story).

cdad · Jul 11, 2009, 08:38 AM

Your going to first need to assert your right to paternity. Also it has to pass the courts testing of being in the best interest of the child. DO NOT attempt this without legal help. Sending her a check and saying its for your child does nothing. It's a gift not supprt.

You messed up bigtime. So now you have a lot to make up. The child is not " yours " so your going to have to use the courts to fight it out. Also let this be a lesson and try to grow up. Its obvious that even though your 19-21 your no where near being an adult. The time to start turning your life around is yesterday.

JDNH2009 · Jul 11, 2009, 08:45 AM

Thank you for the quick reply! Although I do know of my mishaps, I appreciate the information you have posted.

However, can you tell me what action I must take to assert the right to paternity? Is my only option right now is to find a lawyer?

Also, if it comes to the courts and I show the check stubs with the reason being for my son, that it will not matter whatsoever? I do want to help my son, but it would not be fair for me to pay our agreed amount for a few years then this be taken to court and I still have to repay for the last few years. What can I do about this? If a contract was written for this and we both signed would that hold more weight?

cdad · Jul 11, 2009, 08:52 AM

In this case yes it would be best to use a lawyer. What your asking for is to have parents rights removed and yours to take their place. Because the person is already married and was married when the baby arrived you're the one left outside the circle.

What you write in the comments section of a check doesn't really matter to a court and niether would some sort of contract because it wouldn't be legal.

Only contracts that are legal and binding can be upheld in a court. You have no LEGAL standing to this child at this time. Therefore signing anything for the child wouldn't be legal.

Get a lawyer. Get a fesh start on Monday. Many lawyers offer an initial consultation at a reduced fee and at least you will know where you stand. For your situation that's about the only way your going to even get close to getting what you want.

JDNH2009 · Jul 11, 2009, 08:55 AM

Thank you califdadof3, I think I have my answer of what I need to do, but if anyone has any advice, please feel free to share.

JDNH2009 · Jul 11, 2009, 08:59 AM

Also, the last thing I would like to ask. If I do pay the amount we agreed on, but then in a few years she decides to take it to courts, can she force the back support of the child support onto me? I know this is basically the same question I have asked and will be one I will ask whatever lawyers I talk to, but if anyone has a heads up on the answer, I would greatly appreciate it! Thanks.

cdad · Jul 11, 2009, 09:08 AM

Originally Posted by JDNH2009

Also, the last thing I would like to ask. If I do pay the amount we agreed on, but then in a few years she decides to take it to courts, can she force the back support of the child support onto me? I know this is basically the same question I have asked and will be one I will ask whatever lawyers I talk to, but if anyone has a heads up on the answer, I would greatly appreciate it! Thanks.

If you followed the state guidelines and was pretty close then yes you should be OK. But lets say the state would have you paying $800 and your only paying $200 then they may try to get you for arrears of some kind. Then again they aren't really suppose to charge for anything prior to filing but some states still have issues with doing that.

jenniepepsi · Jul 11, 2009, 09:29 AM

Califdadof3 answered awesomely. But I had a question. How did the child get medical through your tricare (or whoever is the medical provider for your branch, tricare is navy) without adopting the child? My father (in the navy) was going to adopt my daughter when she was a baby so that she could have his insurance (but didn't because we were able to get her insurance of her own) but as far as I know, you have to adopt the child before the military will provide for them..

Again, this is my experience, I could be misinformed.

JDNH2009 · Jul 11, 2009, 09:51 AM

When you say "They aren't" who do you mean by "they?"

Originally Posted by califdadof3

If you followed the state guidelines and was pretty close then yes you should be OK. But lets say the state would have you paying $800 and your only paying $200 then they may try to get you for arrears of some kind. Then again they arent really suppose to charge for anything prior to filing but some states still have issues with doing that.

Hey jenniepepsi,

I think it was just a miss communication. I am NOT in the military, her husband is, and he is the legal father (I believe so anyway).

Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

califdadof3 answered awesomely. but i had a question. how did the child get medical thru your tricare (or whoever is the medical provider for your branch, tricare is navy) without adopting the child? my father (in the navy) was going to adopt my daughter when she was a baby so that she could have his insurance (but didnt because we were able to get her insurance of her own) but as far as i know, you have to adopt the child before the military will provide for them..

again, this is my experiance, i could be misinformed.

jenniepepsi · Jul 11, 2009, 10:04 AM

Oooh OK sorry I did misunderstand :) forget I asked anything :D

stinawords · Jul 11, 2009, 10:12 AM

"They" referes to the state or the judge. As calif pointed out you really need to get working on this on Monday morning. Find a lawyer that will fit into your budget (even if it means not making gift payments to the mother). The judge is the only one that can order a DNA test that will hold up in court and order support payments and a visitation order. Being that the two of you have so much time NOT being able to cooperate (not that it is uncommon) you really need to get everything worked out in the court room that way you have something solid on your side not just an agreement that won't hold up in court.