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smartpjohny · Jul 9, 2009, 09:42 AM

My name is johny and I am 16 years old. I want to kill myself. Yet I know I need help. But my problem is a reason not to ask for help. For the first time in my life I say with my own words I am gay. Ive told no one else. I can't ever come out to anyone. Not even my best friend. My family hates gay people. I really mean hate. They make fun of the everyday. I can t even accept myself as an equal. Ive never had a relationship with another guy. The thought of it makes me want to commit suicide even more. Just the thought of my father, uncle, mother and all my causins knowing. No, I can't ever tell them. For that reason I want to die. I cannot belong. I just need someone to talk to. If anyone out there can just talk to me. It just might save my life, Please help me.

LearningAsIGo · Jul 9, 2009, 09:49 AM

Johny,

No matter what, you are valuable and loved person. You cannot kill yourself.

I know being gay must be hard, especially in an intollerant family. Please be strong and call this number immediately:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK (8255) It is FREE to call this number and these people know just how to help. They've heard the worst stories ever told and they still help people like yourself during hard times.

I've seen what suicide does to families, you do NOT want to do this. Life is too precious - even during the hard times.

{{hugs}}

justcurious55 · Jul 9, 2009, 09:53 AM

There's nothing wrong with being gay. Some people are just closed minded. Nothing goo seems to be coming from being closed minded. And don't worry about not having had another relationship yet. There's plenty of 16 year olds that have never had a relationship either, straight and gay. You're young. You have plenty of time. Does your school have a gay straight alliance club? I really doubt you're the only one going through this in your school.

Feel free to continue posting here. There's always lots of people willing to listen and help and just talk. :)

HistorianChick · Jul 9, 2009, 09:56 AM

I grew up in an environment that was very similar to your family - very adamant against the gay lifestyle. Since growing up, going to college, finding my own way in the world, I have learned that living in intolerance is the wrong way to live.

Some of my dearest friends are gay. There is nothing wrong with them - they have made a choice on how they want to live their own lives, as have I. Why should I penalize someone else for making a decision when I make my own every day.

I love my friends - no matter who they are or what they believe in.

You are precious. You have a special place in this world that would be empty without you.

You have made this decision. It is yours to make. Never let anyone tell you differently.

Please come back to AMHD and talk with us. We are here.

LearningAsIGo · Jul 9, 2009, 10:05 AM

One day, your family will learn to live with your sexual orientation. No matter what, they will continue to love you.

There is no rush in telling anyone... do it at your own pace, when you feel safe and comfortable. This site will help you too
Gay & Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation (GLAAD) - Home

jenniepepsi · Jul 9, 2009, 10:16 AM

Hello hon.
First let me say, please do not kill yourself. You are loved. As strange as it may sound, though I have never met you, I LOVE YOU. Just reading your post you sound like a caring and sensitive young man!

Please contact the hotline that LearningAsIGO gave you! Right away!

Now, about you.

My cousin (who is now staying with me) grew up in a very orthodox presbiterian home. VERY VERY strict. Even at 17 he was not allowed to watch anything that was not rated G, not allowed to even go NEAR the 'bra section' of a store, not allowed to look at a store ad that had bras or panties in it, not allowed to do ANYTHING that was not '10 and under rated' if you know what I mean.

When he was 17 still living at his parents house, he told them he was gay. They threw a FIT. He is no longer allowed to be with his brothers and sister alone! JUST because he is gay. He was not allowed to sleep in his room anymore (his brothers and him shared a room) he had to sleep on the couch in his own home.

As soon as he turned 18, he moved out and went to Jobcorp (:::: -This Site is Under Construction- ::::)
And he is now 19. He is now perfectly open and comfratable with the fact that he is gay. His parents still don't accept him. They claim to love him. I'm sure they do. As I'm sure your parents love you. But they refused to accept him. When he came home from job corps for summer break, he is staying with my family because his parents refuse to let him stay with them. But he is happy. And living his own life, the way HE wants it.

I am telling you all this to let you know that there is hope at the end of all this. Your family may never accept you... its sad, and I completely disagree, and yes, even passionately dislike, ANYONE who treats their child like that...

You will be 18 soon... and you will be moving out on your own. Keep your head up. OK?

If it is too unbearable to be at home, you may talk to your school counselor, and let them know what is going on, and talk to the gay and lesbian alliance agaiinst defamation, as learninasigo gave you. If your parents are willing to allow it, you may be able to find a halfway house for gays where teens stay until they become adults.

*hugs* again, please don't kill yourself. And you can ALWAYS come here if you need advise, or even if its simply to vent your frustrations.

Good luck hon *hugs*

Alty · Jul 9, 2009, 10:22 AM

This is a tough road, but it's not one you can't walk, you just need help.

Call the number that Learning provided. There are other teens out there going through the same thing, I promise you.

Will this be easy? No. Will everything work out great? I'm not sure. Will you find a way. Yes, with help and guidance you will.

If you commit suicide you'll be denying the world something very special. You.

Also, you'll be denying yourself the chance to find out who you are, to find the happiness I know you want, the acceptance, the love. It's out there, but only if you hang on.

We're all here to help, but I think it's time to find a professional that you can talk to in person on a daily basis.

Tell your parents that you are going through some things and you need help. You don't have to tell them what's going on and a therapist cannot divulge what you tell him/her to anyone.

Don't give up, that's too easy.

Kagan88 · Jul 9, 2009, 11:56 AM

I know exactly how you feel but what got me through it was a book that I came across titled “Prayers for Bobby” by Leroy Aarons it was a true story about a 1970s religious suburban housewife and mother who struggles to accept her young son Bobby being gay. What happens to Bobby is tragic and causes Mary to question her faith; ultimately this mom changes her views in ways that she never could have imagined. It's an amazing book that shows just how family can change and accept sometimes families learn that the hard way when it's too late.

But you still have life and people that love and care about you if you don't want to read the book Lifetime also made it into a movie starring Sigourney Weaver. When I was struggling with my sexuality and worried about my family we all watched this movie and I heard their comments and views and then realized. They love me for not my choices but for who I am...

I hope this helps you in any way I tend to ramble and I apologize but take it from me from personal expierences taking your life is not the way to go. You are loved and from what it sounds you seem like an amazing and care young man. Be strong and keep coming to AMHD to help you.

Best Wishes

~Kagan~

LearningAsIGo · Jul 10, 2009, 11:25 AM

Hun,

I've been thinking about you. Can you please post a little something so we know you're all right?

jenniepepsi · Jul 10, 2009, 11:53 AM

I agree with Learning, I would like to hear from you again.

smartpjohny · Jul 10, 2009, 03:31 PM

To all who have wrote to me, I would like to sincerely thank you.

As for me, I guess you can say I'm doing better. Suicide is something I think of daily. It's sort of become a normal thing for me. I know its not. When I made that post I was having a horrible day. Feeling alone is something I've become used to even though I'm sorrounded by family and friends. It feels great I can be honest, in a way I feel free. Liberated. At least in my computer. I don't like talking about this. This is truly the first time I have a conversation involving my being gay. Writing this makes me unconfortable. At the end of the day, I'm a strong person. I know I am. But I feel as if this is the one thing that stops me from doing things that I naturally love doing. I feel I can't ever be honest. Its much more easier here than in real life.

jenniepepsi · Jul 10, 2009, 03:33 PM

*hugs* I understand hon. I am however, extreamly glad to be seeing you posting this.

LovelylilReject · Jul 10, 2009, 04:05 PM

I know what your going through.. it never ends for me. Even the guy I love. Suicidal thought ing blow. (sorry not really an answer but just wanted to share)

LearningAsIGo · Jul 15, 2009, 10:54 AM

It is liberating to post here, so please continue to do so. In fact, that feeling of liberation is why many of us came here in the first place!

The more you open up, even online, the more confident you will become. In time, things will get easier as you learn the best ways to deal with obstacles like this.

Good luck to you -- I'm so glad you're still here with us. {{hugs}}

*ETA* Disagree or Agree, Kagan? :eek:

ilovechicken · Jul 20, 2009, 04:37 AM

Hey johny, You are sooo young! You've just begun life, sometimes you have to put yourself before everyone else because as far as I can see it the only reason you feel so low is because what your family/friends may think. You have your whole life ahead of you.. I used to be a very anrrow minded person when it came to homosexuals I'm 19 now and my thinking has changed so much. If I can accept you so can you.. You are who you are, you feel how you feel and you can't help it. I know how it feels to be suicidal and its really not the way to be. Please write back I hope this has made you feel a little better. Hope everythin works out for you hun. Xx

jmjoseph · Jul 20, 2009, 06:04 AM

Please go to this site, I know things seem bad right now, but they always seem to find a way to get better. Life is going to have ups and downs, right now you're just going through a low point. GOD bless you.

SuicideHotlines.com - When You Feel You Can't Go On -- Let Someone Know Your Pain.

genesisz · Jul 21, 2009, 02:39 PM

Don't kill yourself you have along life time an if your gay o well my cousin gays and only told me before he came out about being gay . My grandparent were very upset since there religious and stuff an my aunt didn't agree with his choose of dateing another guy but they got over it an now he the happyest he ever been . People change your family would probably say stupids stuff and mean stuff to you but o we3ll they love you how you are and you shouldn't want to change that. I be OK. If you ever need anyone to talk to just tell me I goods at this stuff I have a lot of friend that I listen to .hope this help