[missbb247]

Okay, so I know that that sounds harsh, but it is true. I have been with her father for over 3.5 years and it has gotten worse in the past 2.5. When she is here, she deliberately starts fights by refusing to listen and uses the infamous "You didn't give birth to me so I don't have to respect what you say." She will go behind the things that I have done (i.e. cleaning and such) and mess them back up. And at this point I start hollering because I am so mad that I don't know what else I can do. When he is here though, she does not do this stuff. There was one time that she went as far as telling her Dad that I through her into the closet door, and I did not do any such thing. He believed her until his sister told him about his daughter telling her about how she lied about me and all that. When I try to talk to him about it, he takes it as an attack on his daughter - that is his baby and she could never be that bad is what he tells me and that I am being too hard on her because I expect that she helps out with cleaning the house like her room and that when I ask her to do something, I would like it done then and done right. I don't ask her to do major things - things like put her hair stuff away and make her bed, and clean her clothes up. Whatever I tell her not to do she turns around and does it anyway and tells us she didn't hear me. I am at wits end right now and don't know what to do. Her father and I both work in the foundry which is very hard work; I am the only female that has ever worked there in my position and made it more than a week. I know that I am a strong person, but I am starting to hate being at home when she is here. What can I do?!

[Holly23]

I believe the reason things have got worse is because she's older now and she's proberly feeling she has to stand by her mother but doesn't quite understand how to do this yet.Would you be anyway friendly with her mother?maybe ye could have a chat about this?Don't take this from her,don't be horrible but set the rules down,don't ask her to tidy her things,instead when she leaves her stuff all over the place you put it away some where and when she asks you simply say "I dont know,you should have tidyied up after yourself"she's not going to leave her stuff all over the place then.Since your husband isent any help you take the law into your own hands.Youve given them both a chance to pull up there socks,now its time for you to take control.

[justcurious55]

I was going t say "talk to him, he should be supporting you and making her respect you." but sounds like that idea didn't work. What about his sister? It sounds like she's got at least a little insight to what's going on. Would she be willing to talk to him again and get him to realize what's really going on?

[jenniepepsi]

I don't want to say this is 'normal' as its not really, but its very COMMON. I would say the best bet for her and you is to get her into some counseling.

I also agree with holly23, could you possibly talk her mother about this? Could her mother be an advocate on your side?

When all else fails, remember, she is an 11 year old girl. Step parent or not, YOU are the parent, and the rules MUST be enforced. Put your foot down. My husband is my daughters step father, and believe me, I know its easier said than done for a step parent, but in the long run it's the best.

It might make you feel better, than 11 year old girls usually put their biological parents through this as well :) its just that your daughter has that extra card to play 'your not my real mother'

Good luck hon *hugs*

[missbb247]

I believe the reason things have got worse is because shes older now and shes proberly feeling she has to stand by her mother but doesnt quite understand how to do this yet.Would you be anyway friendly with her mother?maybe ye could have a chat about this?Dont take this from her,dont be horrible but set the the rules down,dont ask her to tidy her things,instead when she leaves her stuff all over the place you put it away some where and when she asks you simply say "I dont know,you should have tidyied up after yourself"shes not going to leave her stuff all over the place then.Since your husband isent any help you take the law into your own hands.Youve given them both a chance to pull up there socks,now its time for you to take control.

I have tried things like that and he says that I need to be the woman about this and that she is just a little girl. He has such a lack of discipline that it is like I am just walked all over. I work just as hard if not harder than him, and I don't think that it should be left for me to do. I am a little OCD about cleaning. We have a small 2 bedroom apartment, and I try to make sure that it is as clean as possible as this is the way that I was raised. But what can I do about the lack of respect she has when he is away? I had him bring her over to his sister's house for the next few days but what about when she returns? I dread the thought.

[artlady]

Your husband needs to back you up on this and that should be the first order of business.

You are an adult and while you have not given birth to her she most certainly does need to respect you because you are an adult and she is a guest in your home.

Allowing her disrespect to go unchecked is doing her a great disservice.It is encouraging manipulative and negative behavior and that is never O.K.

After Dad has laid down the ground rules for her behavior while in your home ,then you can step in and try to repair the damaged relationship.

Tell her the truth,and let her know that you care for her and her father and her manipulations are not going to work,you are in it for the long haul.

Then proceed to ask her what she expects from the relationship and ask her for suggestions on how you two can improve on the relationship.

Is there any possibility her Mom has tried to poison her against you? It happens all the time and if that is the case then Mom needs to be made aware of the disrespect as well and encourage her to accept you.

Discipline should be Dad's cross to bear,not yours.If it is something you can ignore until he can address it,do so.

After Dad gets on board and sets down the ground rules ,letting her know you are both on the same page,hopefully it will improve.

Let her know you want to be her friend,not her mother and try to find something to do together that you both can enjoy.Talk to her about her interests and make sure she feels included in the family.

Blended families always take work,since you are the adult,it is up to you to go the extra mile to make peace,provided she understands no disrespect will be tolerated.

[missbb247]

I dont want to say this is 'normal' as its not really, but its very COMMON. i would say the best bet for her and you is to get her into some councelling.

i also agree with holly23, could you possibly talk her mother about this? could her mother be an advocate on your side?

when all else fails, remember, she is an 11 year old girl. step parent or not, YOU are the parent, and the rules MUST be enforced. put your foot down. my husband is my daughters step father, and believe me, i know its easier said than done for a step parent, but in the long run its the best.

it might make you feel better, than 11 year old girls usually put thier biological parents thru this as well :) its just that your daughter has that extra card to play 'your not my real mother'

good luck hon *hugs*

How dO I put my foot down as you say? If I tell her to sit on the couch she will take the remote and change whatever I am watching, and going to her room just gives her a chance to destroy it. As for her mother, she wants back with my husband and has tried numerous ways to get there to no avail. His ex also has the same problems with her as I do which is why we can and got her. I don't want to make him feel like I am trying to come between him and his daughter, but I am close to leaving and the thing that hurts is that he would say that if this is what I feel that I need to do, then I should do it - his daughter comes first.

[jenniepepsi]

I'm sorry your dealing with this hon. Luckily my husband came into the picture when my daughter was 3, so while we have issues, they are not nearly as bad as they seem to be for you and we probably will not have this problem when my daughter gets older.

Instead of my previous advise about her getting counseling, it sounds like FAMILY councellnig would be a good thing for you all. And IF POSSIBLE include her mother as well.

[jenniepepsi]

How dO I put my foot down as you say? If I tell her to sit on the couch she will take the remote and change whatever I am watching, and going to her room just gives her a chance to destroy it. As for her mother, she wants back with my husband and has tried numerous ways to get there to no avail. His ex also has the same problems with her as I do which is why we can and got her. I don't want to make him feel like I am trying to come between him and his daughter, but I am close to leaving and the thing that hurts is that he would say that if this is what I feel that I need to do, then I should do it - his daughter comes first.

This is why I suggest the family counseling. When my husband and I first got married and we all moved in together, and my husband and daughter started having issues, I myself also tried the 'my daughter comes first' thing.

I hope and pray for your family that your husband comes to the understanding that as much as we love our children, they DO NOT come first. YOUR MARRIAGE comes FIRST (if you are christian, GOD first, then MARRIAGE, then CHILDREN)

Our children cannot be happy and properly cared for if your marriage is falling apart around you. We learned this the hard way, it took me and my daughter leaving him for 6 months before I realised that my marriage comes first.