[page12]

I am good looking. My husband has never said I love you to me after we got married, never hugged me, held my hands and now for the last 2-3 years we hardly have sex, in fact zilch. He says he is faithful to me when I try to discuss this. He also says that he does not like to show his emotions. The only time I remember he showed intimacy was when we were dating, In fact we planned for the child. We are good friends and talk about everything on the earth.. we do things together.. joke about things.. travel.. have fun.. he loves our son.. he supports my career.. but there is no intimacy, he doesn't even touch me.. what should I do... Help!

[NorthernHeat]

Sounds like you will need a marriage counselor to help pull out the underlying problems he might have in the relationship. He's not embarrassed by ED is he?

[JoeCanada76]

First of all it does not matter whether your attractive or not. That is not a the determining factor in a relationship. Right from the start you said he never hugged you and never held your hands. Obvously you have had sexual relations because you have a child together. There are many man that are brought up not to show their emotions. Which is not a good thing because it can cause problems especially when in a relationship. You can not say that he is not interested in you because you always do things together, always have fun, always travel, and you have created a son together. I believe in my own opinion from what you have written that he is faithful to you. The reason I say this is, it does not sound like he changed much but has pretty much been the same way for a long time. Question do you ever try to get close to him. Do you ever try to hold his hand, do you ever try to hold him? If you have how has he reacted? If you talk about everything on Gods earth, then why not communicate how you feel and let him know you want to feel closer to him physically. Communicate this to him. I also believe that you need to talk to somebody about how to handle certain situations and a counselor will actually help give you pointers and good suggestions on how to approach this.

Joe

[page12]

Thanks Joe
Question do you ever try to get close to him. Yes I do
Do you ever try to hold his hand, do you ever try to hold him? If you have how has he reacted? I have done this a lot of times..If I hold his hands there is no reaction from him..If I sit closer to him he would not reciprocate...sometimes I even ask him to hug me..and then he will just give me a light hug and thats itIf you talk about everything on Gods earth, then why not communicate how you feel and let him know you want to feel closer to him physically. Communicate this to him. I HAVE TRIED SPEAKING TO HIM AND HE ALWAYS GETS ANGRY AND SAYS THAT HE IS LIKE THIS AND HE DOES NOT LIKE SHOWING HIS EMOTIONS. HE ALSO STRESSES THAT HE IS A GOOD HUSBAND OTHERWISE.. WHICH HE IS hE ALSO GIVES EXAMPLES OF OTHER FRIENDS WHO SHOW CLOSENESS TO THEIR WIVES IN PUBLIC AND THEN FLIRT WITH OTHER WOMEN... HE JUST DOES NOT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.. AND HE DOES NOT HAVE ANY ED.. SOMETIMES I WONDER IF HE IS CHEATING
Joe[/QUOTE]

[s_cianci]

Have you tried initiating the intimacy? How does he respond when you do? Have you tried talking to him about the situation? I think some honest communication is needed here ; that beats always trying to second-guess things.

[NorthernHeat]

I understand, being young and not really having the time and money for a counselor. But many are free through church's. Maybe he will take some of these issues more seriously and strop shrugging them of as if you should just live with it. You say you guys talk about everything together, but I get the sense, he never opens up his heart and feelings to you, because he is just reclusive. Allot of men also just have a problem sharing there wife with a baby, sounds odd, but it happens. I hope you can work these things out, divorce is such an ugly thing for a family to go through. By the way, how is his job going, does he like what he does? Does he have any special interests? And does he get away from you once and a while to do them?

[page12]

Have you tried initiating the intimacy? How does he respond when you do? Have you tried talking to him about the situation? I think some honest communication is needed here ; that beats always trying to second-guess things.

Yes I have tried initiating the intimacy.. but he never reciprocates i.e if I hold his hands he doesn't do anything.. if I sit next to him or hug him.. there is no reaction from him.
I have tried talking about the situation.. he gets angry.. doesnot want to discuss.. tells me he is a good husband(which he is).. also says at least he is loyal and there are husbands who flirt here and there but are very intimate with their wives.. this leaves me absolutely confused

I understand, being young and not really having the time and money for a counselor. But many are free through church's. Maybe he will take some of these issues more seriously and strop shrugging them of as if you should just live with it. You say you guys talk about everything together, but I get the sense, he never opens up his heart and feelings to you, because he is just reclusive. Allot of men also just have a problem sharing there wife with a baby, sounds odd, but it happens. I hope you can work these things out, divorce is such an ugly thing for a family to go through. By the way, how is his job going, does he like what he does? does he have any special interests? and does he get away from you once and a while to do them?

Thanks.. you are right , he is reclusive. Sharing with a baby... he was like this before the baby.. he changed a year after we got married. He is doing very well in his career.. infact we both are doing well. He has a lot of outdoor as well as sport interests and is very actively involved and definitely gets out to do them.
Everything is good except the intimacy issue... we just share a very platonic relationship and now I do not think I can live like this

[letmetellu]

People get into habits and once the habit is intrenched in us it is hard to break, from what you have written I think your husband has a lot of outside interest, these may be taking up all of his attention. You say about of you are doing well, maybe you are not doing as well as you think if your marriage is in jeopardy. You need to go and get some counseling even if he goes or not. If I read you right, a platonic relationship is not going to be enough for you, but that may be what you are doomed to, that and a sexless life, unless you get help or a boyfriend, which I don't recommend.

[Sincerely2008]

My husband is the same way. I notice that when men flirt innocently they tend to be more accertive with their spouse. Men aren't designed like women. They cannot turn on and off their emotions like we can. Flirting doesn't mean cheating, it is a way for a man to experience those endorphan's and the testosterone that comes from flirting. If he is faithful he will manifest those thoughts and feelings with you. He seems to be prohibiting himself to experience those feelings in order to remain "faithful" to you, but it isn't necessary to have that all or nothing approach. Maybe he lacks the ability to manage self control and knows it. So by completely withdrawing from sexual thoughts he keeps his mind on other things. You should reassure him that it is okay to flirt as long as it isn't with the intention of having an affair. It is okay to think other people are attractive and beautiful. He needs to know it is normal to have certain feelings in life. He just needs to find balance. You also should find a way to learn how to be more secure with yourself. If you know you are a beautiful woman, inside and out, then show it!! Don't put yourself down by allowing him to mistreat you. When I say that, I mean not letting him get to you. Tell him how you want to be treated, then leave it at that. Be a nice and loving person yourself. Men know when their wife is upset. Let him learn how to be the way you want him to be on his own. You just need to tell him what you want and why in a loving manner. You need to tell him how it makes you feel when he touches you and so forth.

Observe how he acts in public around other people. (men and women) If you find that he secludes himself away from people then perhaps it is the way he is. It isn't bad or wrong, it is what it is. Accept that and then find new ways of being secluded with him. People who like seclusion are sometime's considered anti social. Perhaps he may be the type that likes to talk, but when it come's time to really be emotionally in touch in his relationships, he doesn't do so good. I tend to push my husband the wrong way when I make it a point to accuse him of not being intimate or romantic. We as women have to be intelligent. Find the right time to be intimate with him. When you both can be alone together or watching a show together and he seems comfortable, that is when you want to throw some romance his way. Learn to find ways to talk to him in getting a positive response. If you speak to him about something and he reacts badly to it, that is a sign that he isn't comfortable. Men need comfort. If they feel comfortable with you they will open up. I sometimes blame their mother because typically men who "behave" are the one's that have mother's that shape them up and set them straight about issue's such as compassion, intimacy and love. That is not always the case. Sometimes it is just their personality. Homosexuality isn't an option for him right? It could be that he is tired or that fatherhood has taken a lot of his stamina away. It isn't the same way that he once was because he was single and had nobody else to worry about except himself. Men need to have time to focus on themselves and what they want or they can lose focus. Are you what he wants? Don't be selfish either. Men are allowed to have other wants too.

Getting a man to express his emotions can be really difficult. Sex is sex, but intimacy is deeper. Tell your husband that it really hurts you emotionally when he doesn't hold you, caress you and so forth. Marriage has a way of really changing a person. I'm sure there are things that you now know about him that you wish you didn't and therefore changes the way you interact with him. It goes both ways. It isn't too late to find out what bother's him about you and change those ways. Also know that there could be something or someone else getting in the way of your relationship. That may not mean he is contemplating being with another woman either. It could be the kids, work, worries, personality conflicts, even physical health issues. That is why they created VIAGRA. It could even be you causing conflict and making him more uncomfortable. It is difficult when you aren't sexually pleased in a relationship, but there is nothing a sexual therapist cannot fix when it comes to sex. You don't even have to pay someone because there are so many places on the internet that you can go to for free advice these days. You can search online for "ways to have a great marriage" and "how to be more intimate with your spouse". It always helps me to talk about my problems with another woman. Women can sympathize and empathize with each other. Read the book "THE SECRET". Be positive and don't share your concerns with negative people. They will only add fire to your fears. Most importantly, pray to God for peace and for romance to come back to your marriage. Tell God what it is you want. God may not bring you him, but He will bring you what you want!! Trust in HIM. DO NOT accuse or blame your spouse, even if he is at fault. It makes things worse. Ultimately, don't you want to be happy?:)

[semdod]

He sounds like he has Asperger's Syndrome. Probably he feels emotion but hasn't a clue how to express it. Read about the syndrome and talk to his family to see if his behaviour fits to this. He can get help to express himself once he gets a diagnosis - but it will be hard for you to get him to see an expert so you should talk to his family for help and to your family too about your concerns as it will be hard for you to do it on your own. Or you can try reading about how to respond to people with this difficulty

[gulmeena]

There are men who are just like that! They keep themselves occupied with certain things and build barriers around them and do not let anybody to get closer to them. I bet he is not involved with any one. But u need to talk to him againand again and let him know how much painful it is for u. He might give it a thiought.