[del66]

Hi, I've been dating a guy since early March. The backstory is that the night we first decided to go to bed together, he told me he was seeing another woman, and she is married. She has no intention of leaving her husband, but this guy I'm dating claims he's in love with her even though their "relationship" is on the wane and she has seen him less and less. He claims they still sleep together every couple of weeks.

I had great trepidation about sleeping with him, but went ahead anyway (we practice safe sex). Now the guy wants to travel to Russia with me for 10 days at the end of July. He sprung this on me a week ago. Why the short notice? Because he planned a 10 day trip prior to our meeting up-- with the married woman in Finland! He would fly from Helsinki to Petersburg, Russia, to meet up with me and we would continue on our trip together, apparently. I should add that he has made no offers to pay for my share of anything on this trip.

We had a pretty bad argument about this woman a couple of weeks ago in which the guy said he was bad relationship material for any woman right now (I know, I know, why do I continue to hang around?), not only because of the married woman but because he feels like he wants to continue dating other women besides me. I was furious.

He then comes back with an email a week ago saying he totally understood my feelings but would I join him in Russia for 10 days, platonic, non-platonic, whatever I wanted "our relationship" to be. I felt manipulated as hell.

Another backstory to this guy is that about 6 months ago I ended up with embarrassing stuff on Google when you Google my name. This is going to sound horrible, but I lied to the guy about my last name so he wouldn't be able to Google me. :-( I know it was wrong, and I never confessed to him even after we got close. Once I learned about the married woman, I guess I assumed this dating thing with him wouldn't last with me so I just couldn't bring myself to confess to my lie. :-( I figured we would end up breaking up anyway.

He's been back in my life, both sexually and emotionally, for the past couple of weeks but going on this trip with him means confessing about my real name, because he will either see my passport or see the form with our visa information on it. I can't get around this.

I must sound like a very manipulative person. :-( In some ways I'm heartbroken about this guy. I feel horribly guilty about lying to him, but as it turns out, it appears he is not a good candidate for a LTR anyway because of his own emotional/relationship stuff.

I'm very confused, feel horrible and guilty, and realize I probably have continued seeing him because he truly IS unavailable, and given my dishonesty I guess I thought he was "safe."

Can someone help me? :'(

[Jake2008]

I think when he told you he was still having a relationship with a married woman, you should have stepped the relationship back a bit, and taken time to really think about what you were getting into.

I don't see that you did anything wrong in not telling him your real last name. In fact, I think that's a safe thing, until you know for certain that he is serious relationship material, and that whatever it is you have chosen to keep private, is not seen as dishonesty on your part. You are entitled to your privacy!

I would advise you not to be a second fiddle, or only a part-time sidekick to this man. He sees nothing wrong with carrying on a relationship with a married woman, nor does he see anything wrong with playing you in order to have additional companionship. If he were seeing g/f #1 three times a week, there would be no question that he wouldn't have anything to do with you.

Don't be the runner up, or the second prize in some relationship contest, with him being the judge of the competators. He will likely not be available until he figures out that HE is not good relationship material, and/or he grows tired of sneaking around on women, having affairs, and having 'sort of' relationships.

He's giving you enough to keep you interested, but not enough to commit, even to a friendship.

I really believe this will go nowhere for you, and you will have your heart broken.

Let him sort out his own life, morals, values, goals, and then consider if he has any characteristics at all, that you can build a healthy relationship on.

From what you've said, he is not likely to change anytime soon.

[del66]

I would advise you not to be a second fiddle, or only a part-time sidekick to this man. He sees nothing wrong with carrying on a relationship with a married woman, nor does he see anything wrong with playing you in order to have additional companionship. If he were seeing g/f #1 three times a week, there would be no question that he wouldn't have anything to do with you.

Don't be the runner up, or the second prize in some relationship contest, with him being the judge of the competitors. He will likely not be available until he figures out that HE is not good relationship material, and/or he grows tired of sneaking around on women, having affairs, and having 'sort of' relationships.

Thanks for the kind response. I agree completely with everything you said, especially these points. And that is exactly what it feels like - as if you are having to "compete" for his affection and waiting on him to make a choice. It's a horrible feeling. :(

I realize that my continuing to date him is a self-esteem issue on my part. I definitely have some work to do on myself especially related to making better partner choices.

But the easiest way to extract myself is simply to cut off communication with him. Attempting to "explain myself" won't work for me because I will get drawn into a conversation with him that will weaken me. It's best just to cut off all the contact.

This man actually pursued ME in the beginning. As a matter of fact, I was distinctly uninterested in him after our first date but he was pretty relentless. His "commitmentphobic" pushback started aruond the time we got sexual - his acknowledging seeing the married woman. He also disappeared after particularly good dates. I would either not hear from him for several days, or I would get a perfunctory email saying how "busy" he was.

It is all typical fear of commitment material and confusion. :(

Just as an aside: we are no spring chickens here. I'm 50 and he is 57!

Thanks again for the great response. del66

[Jake2008]

You know Del, you can do much better with the smarts you obviously have.

I think there might be hope for a 30 or 40 year old man, but at age 57, he probably likes things just the way they are thank you very much. Lol And so be it, at this stage of the game he is entitled to call his own game.

I wouldn't play either, as much as it is enticing, and he's probably quite a charismatic guy, fun and interesting.

I don't know that it is a situation where fault or phobia or personal perceptions are really the cause.

I think you developed an attraction to him, and fell under his 'spell'. That doesn't mean a good person like you cannot find a great guy without that kind of baggage.

Best of luck in finding somebody who deserves you.

[del66]

I think there might be hope for a 30 or 40 year old man, but at age 57, he probably likes things just the way they are thank you very much. lol And so be it, at this stage of the game he is entitled to call his own game.

I don't know that it is a situation where fault or phobia or personal perceptions are really the cause.

I think you developed an attraction to him, and fell under his 'spell'. That doesn't mean a good person like you cannot find a great guy without that kind of baggage.

Yes, this could all be true! Except for some of the things he said about desire for a LTR, etc. Anyway, I'm reading about "commitmentphobia" and attachment disorder and he seems to fit the old pretty clearly.

At this point though it doesn't matter. :-) Thanks for your great insights. I already feel better just "talking" about it here.

[HistorianChick]

Unfortunately, you're right. This IS an impossible situation.

I just have one question for you, "why would you date a man that confessed he was having an affair with a married woman?"

You're worth the entire attention of a man - you're worth his all. Why would you settle for anything less?

TO continue a relationship with this man is condoning extra-marital affairs. By not standing up and saying that it is wrong, you are accepting it and saying that it's OK for you. That it's OK for you to be second best, shared, and ultimately, taken advantage of.

You lying is just another issue in this situation. You had an embarssing Google. You should have owned up to your past, said that it was your past, and dealt with it like an adult. Instead, like a kid caught stealing a cookie, you lied about it.

But, to me, that's not the real issue. The real problem is that you're settling for half of this man's heart, half of his attention, and half of his infatuation.

Don't settle for anything less than a mutually exclusive relationship. This guy isn't willing to give up his dual-relatinship-lifestyle...

You need to decide if you want to be "worth it"... or just a piece on the side.