[pixiegurl]

About 6 months ago, I was told that I had borderline personality disorder. I am 19 and have had a very rough going throughout my whole life. I have no family connections and I am having difficulty in overcoming my disorder. It is ruining my current relationship with my boyfriend (who I also live with - we have been together for about 15 months), I am constantly calling in sick to work because I just emotionally can't handle it and I just feel like there is no point to anything anymore. I have had suicide attempts before and I do self harm. I have problems with controlling my emotions (which is a major symptom of the disorder) and I just don't know how to get my life back on track. I have a psychologist that I have been working with but I don't feel like it is helping. As part of my therapy I attend a weekly one-on-one session and then a group session where we talk about life skills. The thing is, I'm not a stupid person and I know the things I have to change - so everything they're telling me at therapy isn't anything that I'm not already aware of. I find it pointless and hopeless because I need help in applying it to everyday situations; what they are telling me to do is easier said then done.

My life has had many ups and downs. My mother was domestically abused by my father, until they finally split up when I was 10. From then on I didn't have any contact with my father, as I felt like I was betraying my mother if I did talk to him - so after family court sessions I elected not to have any contact with him. The guilt has never left me, because four years later my father had a heart attack and died suddenly. I believe that I am still in shock about it because I don't think I was ever given a chance to grieve about it. My only other sibling left to live with my father when he moved out of home and I have not had any contact with him since then. He resents me for not ever talking to my father, even though I was very young at the time and didn't know the impact of the decisions that I was making. My brother is 6 years older then me, so being in his teens I believe that at the time of split between our parents he was able to make a more sensible decision about who he wanted to live with. My brother chose not to have any contact with my mother because he felt that she was too controlling and strict. After my father left and died my mother became very controlling over me and expected a lot from me. She was a part time foster carer for children and so there were always a lot of kids coming and going from the house, even from when I was younger. As I got older, she expected me to look after the children and to care for them full time - while I was still going to school myself. I don't know the extent of her mental condition at the time, as I was never fully told about what was going on, but I do know that she was going in and out of depression for as long as I can remember. As I got older and more independent my mother found that she was not as in control of me anymore. During my final year of high school she got even worse with her controlling ways, until finally everything blew up and she kicked me out of home... four days before the beginning of my final exams. I was left with nothing but the clothes I was standing in. From then on, I made the decision to put everything behind me because I felt that the only way I was ever going to get anywhere was to pass my final exams and get into a good university course. I did this, and passed with excellent results. I tried to have contact again with my mother, but she moved on with a new partner (the first since my father) and they moved in and didn't want anything to do with me. My entire extended family shunned me and didn't want anything to do with me because they thought that I was a shame on the family. I was abandoned and left on my own, with no emotional or family support. After getting accepted into uni, I moved away from my hometown to begin university. I moved in with a friend and began to start building my life again - at least I thought that is what I was doing. Then I started doing terrible things, I was drinking all the time and I started stealing money from my housemate. After my relationship with my current partner started, my bad behaviour went down and I confessed everything to my friend about her stolen money. I paid it back and was very sorry and after a while she found it somewhere inside herself to forgive me. At least I thought she had - I found out that she was being nice to me but actually ing about me behind my back. A lot of people that I thought were my friends turned their back on my because of this and I don't think I have gotten over it. After that I couldn't handle being at the same university as her, so I changed institutions. It was going great for a while until I had a suicide attempt and couldn't handle going anymore. So I quit and haven't been back since. Now, I am just working full time and watching my life crumble and fall down around me. The last contact I ever had with my mother was her slamming a door to my face, after she told me that I was 'dead to her'.

I'm so exhausted from dealing with everything that I just don't feel like I can face anything anymore. My relationship is being ruined because of my emotional outbursts and I don't want to lose another important person in my life. I really don't know what I will do if I lose him too.

How do I overcome everything?

P.S. I'm so sorry for the long story.

[wakeupcall13]

How do you overcome everything? Wish I knew! But You have to keep trying until something clicks with you. Find a different therapist if you really aren't getting anywhere with your current one. They are all different, with different styles etc. Keep going until you find the answers you need. Make sure you are taking good care of yourself physically. It is up to you to take care of you now and you have the freedom to treat yourself really well. It doesn't sound like you got that as a child. Give it to yourself. Turn the focus off your past and Really focus on this daily... taking care of you. Are you eating right, are you exercising, are you sleeping. Focus on getting those things in line and believe it or not it will really help with the rest. You are the same age as my son and I want to give you a ((hug)).

[jolienoire]

In regards to having a lot of friends and people in your life the quantity is not important it's the quality of people whom you are surrounded by.

I understand how difficult it is when you feel your closest family turns their back on you, but don't feel that you are at fault and take all the burden. I know it's easier said than done. But don't try to tackle everything at once take it one day at a time.


Overcoming all this things takes one day at a time, it will not be resolved over night. I agree with the other poster about you confiding in a new therapist.

Finding out what makes you tick is also important, also focusing on what makes you happy and not trying to live your life to get others satisfaction to like or love you. Because we just can't please everyone in our lives,the most important thing of them all is self satisfaction.
What do you really want out of life? What is most important to you?

I try to think everything is beautiful despite it being ugly, everything is good even the bad, everything wrong can be right. This is my doctrine of life. Because once you lose that confidence in yourself you lose others.

Fall in love with yourself and not depression, Leave the past in that past. Focus on what you can do now from this day forward.
So don't ask what makes others happy and try to live for them ask what makes you come alive. Only you know the answer to that. When you sit and really think about it try to achieve that inner person whom is waiting to break free.

Write a list of what you want to do, of what makes you happy. Strive for them one by one. Everyday take it as a new day to start over.

Everyday be a dreamer of new possibilities. Everyday just smile, even if you don't want too.

"Smile, even if it's a sad smile, because sadder than a sad smile is the sadness of not knowing how to smile."
Anony

[pixiegurl]

I'm scared of going to another psychologist because I have already been to so many. Sometimes I get the feeling that maybe it's just me causing the therapy to not work. I always go in with a positive mind, hoping that this time something will be different and will actually help me to change things but then after about 4 sessions I am left feeling down again because I don't feel that things have improved - that's when I start to miss sessions and regret that I even went in the first place. It's very hard to remain motivated to go, especially when I don't even see small changes happening. I mean, I'm not an unrealistic person, I know that with what I have been through things aren't just going to change over night... it could take months, or even years for things to be OK with me again. I just wish there was some small glimpse of hope or I could see that things were going to even start changing.

I have been through about 5 or 6 different psychologists/counsellors/psychiatrists and I have felt that none of them have had a big impact on me.

My boyfriend is so scared to even be around me at the moment. I'm constantly paranoid that he is cheating on me, or that he is going to and this gets to him a lot. He is supportive most of the time but I'm also worried that one day, enough is just going to be enough for him. Sometimes I want to let him go and tell him that he doesn't deserve to be going through this with me and that maybe the best thing for our relationship is for me to concentrate on getting me better. But I think ending things would probably make my condition worse and so I find it very hard in deciding what to do. And if we did take a break, where would I even go? I have no where else to turn to.

I feel so down and depressed. I'm an emotional wreck and although I know what has to happen to make me better, I just don't know how to get there... if that makes sense. It's like I know WHAT I have to do but I don't know HOW to do it.

Thanks for your comments, they're very much appreciated.

[jolienoire]

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Thanks for your comments, they're very much appreciated.

Are you afraid of failure? It seems to me fear is holding you back from moving forward, you fear to be alone, you fear being depressed, you fear that counseling just won't work, when you really are not trying to look at the positive aspect.

Tell me what are your fears?

Sometime we experience the low points of life in order to learn lessons we could not learn in any other way. The way we learn those lessons is not to deny the feelings but to find the meanings underlying them, “One day at a time--this is enough. Do not look back and grieve over the past for it is gone; and do not be troubled about the future, for it has not yet come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful it will be worth remembering..


I totally understand everything you said and it seems to me that you fear something.
Only you can make these things happen. But first try to change your outlook on life.