Borderline Personality Disorder
About 6 months ago, I was told that I had borderline personality disorder. I am 19 and have had a very rough going throughout my whole life. I have no family connections and I am having difficulty in overcoming my disorder. It is ruining my current relationship with my boyfriend (who I also live with - we have been together for about 15 months), I am constantly calling in sick to work because I just emotionally can't handle it and I just feel like there is no point to anything anymore. I have had suicide attempts before and I do self harm. I have problems with controlling my emotions (which is a major symptom of the disorder) and I just don't know how to get my life back on track. I have a psychologist that I have been working with but I don't feel like it is helping. As part of my therapy I attend a weekly one-on-one session and then a group session where we talk about life skills. The thing is, I'm not a stupid person and I know the things I have to change - so everything they're telling me at therapy isn't anything that I'm not already aware of. I find it pointless and hopeless because I need help in applying it to everyday situations; what they are telling me to do is easier said then done.
My life has had many ups and downs. My mother was domestically abused by my father, until they finally split up when I was 10. From then on I didn't have any contact with my father, as I felt like I was betraying my mother if I did talk to him - so after family court sessions I elected not to have any contact with him. The guilt has never left me, because four years later my father had a heart attack and died suddenly. I believe that I am still in shock about it because I don't think I was ever given a chance to grieve about it. My only other sibling left to live with my father when he moved out of home and I have not had any contact with him since then. He resents me for not ever talking to my father, even though I was very young at the time and didn't know the impact of the decisions that I was making. My brother is 6 years older then me, so being in his teens I believe that at the time of split between our parents he was able to make a more sensible decision about who he wanted to live with. My brother chose not to have any contact with my mother because he felt that she was too controlling and strict. After my father left and died my mother became very controlling over me and expected a lot from me. She was a part time foster carer for children and so there were always a lot of kids coming and going from the house, even from when I was younger. As I got older, she expected me to look after the children and to care for them full time - while I was still going to school myself. I don't know the extent of her mental condition at the time, as I was never fully told about what was going on, but I do know that she was going in and out of depression for as long as I can remember. As I got older and more independent my mother found that she was not as in control of me anymore. During my final year of high school she got even worse with her controlling ways, until finally everything blew up and she kicked me out of home... four days before the beginning of my final exams. I was left with nothing but the clothes I was standing in. From then on, I made the decision to put everything behind me because I felt that the only way I was ever going to get anywhere was to pass my final exams and get into a good university course. I did this, and passed with excellent results. I tried to have contact again with my mother, but she moved on with a new partner (the first since my father) and they moved in and didn't want anything to do with me. My entire extended family shunned me and didn't want anything to do with me because they thought that I was a shame on the family. I was abandoned and left on my own, with no emotional or family support. After getting accepted into uni, I moved away from my hometown to begin university. I moved in with a friend and began to start building my life again - at least I thought that is what I was doing. Then I started doing terrible things, I was drinking all the time and I started stealing money from my housemate. After my relationship with my current partner started, my bad behaviour went down and I confessed everything to my friend about her stolen money. I paid it back and was very sorry and after a while she found it somewhere inside herself to forgive me. At least I thought she had - I found out that she was being nice to me but actually ing about me behind my back. A lot of people that I thought were my friends turned their back on my because of this and I don't think I have gotten over it. After that I couldn't handle being at the same university as her, so I changed institutions. It was going great for a while until I had a suicide attempt and couldn't handle going anymore. So I quit and haven't been back since. Now, I am just working full time and watching my life crumble and fall down around me. The last contact I ever had with my mother was her slamming a door to my face, after she told me that I was 'dead to her'.
I'm so exhausted from dealing with everything that I just don't feel like I can face anything anymore. My relationship is being ruined because of my emotional outbursts and I don't want to lose another important person in my life. I really don't know what I will do if I lose him too.
How do I overcome everything?
P.S. I'm so sorry for the long story.
