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nikkils · Jun 17, 2009, 12:47 PM

My ex boyfriend chose not to be involved in my son's life when I got pregnant. I had my son and have since gotten married. In addition to my son , I have one child and one on the way. My husband has been involved since my son was 1 1/2 and that is the only father he knows. We have just had his name legally changed and I am trying to figure out the right age / time to tell him the truth. The truth is the only option for us and I will not bash his biological father but I do not want to confuse him. Any insight on what a good age would be to tell him?

jenniepepsi · Jun 17, 2009, 01:04 PM

It depends on your child. I just recently told my daughter who is 5, that her 'daddy' (my husband) is not her 'originally daddy' I told her she had a different daddy when she was born. Then she blew me away saying 'i KNOW that mommie. We only met daddy 2 years ago. Did you think I didn't have one before that?"

It really depends on their maturity and what they are ready for.

Synnen · Jun 17, 2009, 01:14 PM

You should tell a child from the beginning that they are adopted.

This way the child never has to make an "adjustment" to that knowledge, and it doesn't mess with their identity.

jenniepepsi · Jun 17, 2009, 01:15 PM

I agree synnen

MsMewiththat · Jun 23, 2009, 10:11 AM

There is no time like the present. No matter how weird it is you have to do it. Taking into account that you will want to be sensitive to the fact that the other children share the same daddy. You will want to avoid the "this is their daddy..." type of thing. Did you have him adopt the child and make it legal? Or just change the name?

jenniepepsi · Jun 23, 2009, 10:14 AM

I DO want to add one thing however, DO NOT say 'your father left because he didn't want to be part of your life'

He is too young to understand this, and it will only make him feel like its his fault. It can cause childhood depression, and in some ways this can be even more dangerous than adult depression.

Keep it simple and at his age level. The way I did it 'you had a different daddy before, but he isn't here anymore' is a great way to keep it at for now. Save the 'he left because... ' for when he is older and able to understand. I would say 16 or older, if not out right adult hood which is what I am waiting for

Justwantfair · Jun 23, 2009, 10:15 AM

Originally Posted by nikkils

My ex boyfriend chose not to be involved in my son's life when I got pregnant. I had my son and have since gotten married. In addition to my son , I have one child and one on the way. My husband has been involved since my son was 1 1/2 and that is the only father he knows. We have just had his name legally changed and I am trying to figure out the right age / time to tell him the truth. The truth is the only option for us and I will not bash his biological father but I do not want to confuse him. Any insight on what a good age would be to tell him?

Legally changing the child's name doesn't make him the child's legal father.
Whose name is on the birth certificate?
Have you had your husband legally adopt the child?
Raise the child with honesty, if you raise a child with dishonesty, they will learn not to trust you as a parent.
That will not play a good part in fulfilling your role as parents.

Lisasueriley · Jun 26, 2009, 10:33 PM

Hey thought from a birth mom reunited with her son! You should not understimate the childs' mind and let them know as soon as you can about where they came from, letting them know that their life now is full of love and that your new man loves him like his own. My child who has reunited with me already felt something was different about his little life and was told when he was 5 that he was adopted, and it seems to me it made him feel out of balance and lacked a peace of who he was growing up as because of it... Not that this is the case for all children, but it could happen. Another story is my sister had a little boy where the birth dad was not involved, she told him very young, that he was extremely loved by both but dad was loving him from afar, she eventually married a man who loved him, and my nephew is very well balanced, will eventually meet his birth dad but for now, he sees the man who raised him as his father and that is all that matters to him, even now, my sister and her husband got divorced and her son got his two brothers together and took who he knows as to be his only dad camping for fathers day! Very close... its an awesome thing!