[lonnieslivinlif]

First off let me say thank you to anybody that is considering answering this post. Secondly I am not here to get beat up on. The truth sometimes hurts but mean is just mean, please- real answers that can help. I really need it. I know in some ways I should have never remarried him but love = insanity at times...

Here's the story.

We met, married 18 months later. Wonderful courtship, his family is wonderful, I love them all, they love me.
My mother-in-law and I are very close, always have been.
During our 6 year marriage my husband has abused drugs, pulled me into his cycle and physically abused me including isolation. I already have limited family connections, haven't graduated college (yet-10 mo to go!) and not the greatest past. He is a very good provider- I want for nothing. My wedding rings stop people in the streets and that's just the tip of the iceberg how he spoils me. But he has smoked away a house, car, various lucrative jobs. I stuck by him because I understand the issue of addiction. I used to be a functional addict now I just don't use. When we met I was 6 years clean and have relapsed time and time again because of him exposing me and at times almost forcing me to get high with him(acting like he is going to hit me if I didn't do it with him.) So finally I got fed up when he lost his last job at a prestigious law firm and had drug dealers come to our house trying to kill him.
I divorced him with no issues. He consented.
I spent a year looking for work,no luck. Stayed in school, lived with my sister for a while and tried to get on my feet. I couldn't get assistance and just the fact that I had to apply for welfare was totally embarrassing, to get denied when I needed it was even worse.
So I barely survived after our divorce-and he promised to change if I just came back...
Out of survival (and some left over love and hope- yeah, it's insane but true) I came back and re-married him this March. We now live with his mother at her request(she is not so well and needs our help maintaining the house and our niece whom she cares for). She is my best friend and protector from his b.s and always has been when she could be.
Since I have been back he is seeing a psychiatrist, taking meds, talking our problems out and working seriously hard on our marriage but I find it hard to believe he's changed for real. Sometimes I get scared of him if he moves too fast or if he yells because in our last marriage he broke my cheekbone, put 7 stitches in my lip and that's only the lasting scars. At one point he literally almost murdered me. (As I write this I see how crazy I must be for staying the first time and believe me I know I need help for co-dependancy. I have an appt. this coming Monday for therapy.)But I had nowhere to go and no way to make my way in this world at that time. I took a drug charge for him and that has been hanging over my head for years. Every time I even thought about calling 911 on him he threatned to get me locked up too. I am trying to graduate college so I never have to be in a position to deal with this again in life. So I stayed then. And now. Since I have been back he was laid off and just returned to work this Sunday. He drives trucks cross country now. He did get high twice since I have been back (outside of our home and didn't bring it around me) but he spent EVERY dime we had.:mad: His mother has been providing for us since I have been here because she knows how much money he makes when he is working and he takes good care of her and her household when he is working.
He begged me back for a year, I buckled down and came back and he complains that I am not the type of woman he wants. I used to be in the adult entertainment industry and he always brings that up when we argue. He thinks I should have sex with him whether I want to or not because I once did for money(I recntly had a cyst the size of a tennis ball removed from one ovary and another the size of a pea removed from the other and I have had several reproductive surguries in my life. He is well endowed and doesn't take this into consideration- For about two weeks he's been leaving me alone but usually we HAVE TO have sex AT LEAST twice a day or all hell breaks loose. Let alone a couple of days go by). He treats me like his personal whore sometimes even though I have been out the industry for a while. I hate that business but he thinks that's all I know despite me graduating a diploma program in business school and being a Marketing Manager when I met him. So it's make him happy or go back to the streets and most likely the industry again if I can't find work (I can't lie, webcam work has passed through my mind just to make it without him. No physical contact- but I hate that business. I think I can do better if I just hang in there and graduate college). I am bisexual(not actively we are monogamous), he is homophobic (he knew about this since day one-literally). I like going out on the weekends(I love to dance!) he prefers watching t.v, he says I am not ready for marriage and in some ways I think he's right. I think I gave him my all the first time and nearly died in the process. I can't do it again. No matter how hard I try. I try to be the good wife I once was but for what?:confused: His pattern is 4 mo. Of spoiling, treating me like a queen, life is bliss then one day my whole life is in his pipe. Then he cleans his act up-quickly usually- and life is great again. He is not abusive when he isn't using and worships the ground I walk on. I can say the only abusive attribute he has is that he doesn't like me to have friends and he claims that's because I was in the industry and he thinks that everyone and everything I do outside of him is about sex. I was a spoken word artist and he won't let me do shows.I was offered to be on a billion albums have done internet shows, radio shows, and performed in 4 states. I was going somewhere. He made me choose marriage or music. I was doing modeling and he won't let me do that either. He claims it's okay but he likes me to wear gma clothes (I'm mid-twenties and honestly-stunning. Most men literally stop in their tracks when they see me. Which he blames on me even though I may have on sweats and a tee, claiming I am seeking that attention). Now I have bad nerves to the point I have frequent anxiety attacks and my doctor had to put me on Zanax just to make it through my days. I stay because I do have hope for us but honestly it is dim. Not to mention I had a family before him (man and two kids). That family is still there should I choose it. There are reasons I am not there (man hasn't had a job in forever and no prospects of one. Waiting on a lawsuit... :mad:)
I know I can do better than both of them but how if I can't do for myself, by myself, unless it's illegal or degrading?
I just want to be happy. Despite our past, at times, I know this is where I should be because he makes me so happy when he isn't using I just can't imagine being married to anybody else. But then there are times when he tells me that I am not what he wants and how I make him unhappy all the time when he's home because I won't follow his rules or believe he's a changed man.
I have to admit he is trying but still, getting high twice in a three month period?
Spending every dime we had?
Changed? Okay, so he didn't expose me to it and hit me. How long before that starts happening again? He says I am pessimistic- I say how can I be optimistic?
Since our divorce I have kept in close contact with friends and family and they all want me to leave again since he used. I have family willing to be there for me until I graduate college (kind of- I can live with them but financially I don't know what to do). Should I stay and give him a shot or just move on? I discussed with him in detail my feelings about two weeks ago. I had decided to leave because he claimed I was the reason for his using by making him unhappy(excuse). But my mother in law and niece convinced me to stay. I didn't take into consideration his words at all. Right now I am here for them as they have been for me. Not to mention my niece looks at me as if I were like her mom since her mother isn't in her life much. So not only would I be leaving him but my niece and mother in law who both need me in their own ways and have been there for me when I had no family there for me during hard times.
I really don't know what to do. I am close to graduation and having that charge I took for him from over my head. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel... Which way should I go? I really do want us to work out deep down inside but now that he's working again we are all scared of what will happen. I can't live my life buiding and rebuilding over and over again. I am still young and beautiful, intelligent with my future ahead of me (he's in his 40's and had the same pattern for almost 20 years.) Can he change or is this who he is? Only God and him know the answer to that but statistics are so against his making a full turn around and staying clean.
I don't want to waste my life wating on a dream and living in a mirage.
I want to do better in life not only for me but for my children, to leave something behind for them when I go. Now is the time to start building that foundation since I have made corrections to myself destructive behaviors and am now trying to do things right in this world.
Please help me. I know I need counseling, that's not advice. I need serious advice. I want to leave every day because I think I know what the future holds for us and sometimes it scares me. Other times I think we can make it. I know I should have never came back. But I am here now, and it's not just him I would be leaving. I would be leaving people I love who have not hurt me at all. Also, I am scared I can't make it without him until I graduate. I couldn't do it for a whole year and believe me I went on interview after interview and have had good jobs. Nobody's hiring and things aren't getting better out there. Especially without a college degree.

What would you do? Not what would you have done. What's done is done and now is here. What choice would you make today?

Sorry the post is so long. I had to give the true story and let you guys get the good and the bad of the situation. Most days are great, others not so great. I just don't know what day the dream will turn into a nightmare again... :(

[simoneaugie]

"What's done is done and now is here." It always is too, huh.

Right now, if I were in your shoes, I'd stay with him. Tell him you want to stay but only if you have complete control over any money he makes. If he is willing to trust you to handle every paycheck he gets, then you will stay. Without spending money, he can't use. If he doesn't use he won't be abusive or spend every dime to get more "stuff."

You make the choice. Don't let others make it for you. Your mil and niece are definitely good people to consider. But, make the choice for you. Then stick by it.

[lonnieslivinlif]

You know what? That is what I say. One f up and I'm out of here. My mil and niece(who told me today that she has to catch herself from calling me mommy) already know this. I do have complete control over all of the money. He deposits the money in my acct from wherever he is and I handle the bills. One short check or one missed deposit I'm gone. Can't do it. Like I said, everbody says leave but they have no alternatives for me. I thank you for your sincere and real response. May god reward you for your good deed.

[Jake2008]

The relationship is toxic.

How often have you heard, he/she is really a great person when they are sober/straight. The world is full of people who keep hoping that the 'good' person will eventually snap out of it, and stay good. He's been 20 years like this, do you seriously think he will change?

It is convenient for your mother in law and her niece, to have you there. You help out, and offer stability in an unstable household.

You refer to your MIL as your protector. Your relationship with her is also toxic. Your needs for each other revolve around a 40 something year old man, and keeping the peace.

You have options, and my opinion is you need to break this cycle of abuse, control, insecurities, and tenatious relationships. Everything hinges on him, and that is really out of whack. You've given up your freedom, and your power.

If you have another place to go, go already. Graduate college without this dark cloud over your head, and move forward without waiting for miracles. Love will not fix this, it just simply isn't enough.

Counselling is an excellent idea, and good for you for taking that step.

You are the only one who can make you happy, strong, independent, and secure.

[Gemini54]

I know I can do better than both of them but how if I can't do for myself, by myself, unless it's illegal or degrading? I just want to be happy. Despite our past, at times, I know this is where I should be because he makes me so happy when he isn't using I just can't imagine being married to anybody else. But then there are times when he tells me that I am not what he wants and how I make him unhappy all the time when he's home because I won't follow his rules or believe he's a changed man.

I think that this says it all really. You want people to give you answers or alternatives, but you already know the answer deep down.

You have to leave. It's abusive. You stay because you have a type of Stockholm Syndrome.

Go and stay with your family. Continue with College and get a part time job. Alternatively, you can defer College until you get back on your feet.

I also assume that if you divorce your husband you will be entitled to a portion of the assets/super/earnings (not sure about exactly what happens in the US). You can put this away, until you decide where you want to live.

Use what networks and contacts you have to see what work and creative opportunities are out there and do something. Be sensible and don't let anyone take advantage of you. You may be beautiful, but you don't need to act desperate.

There is always an alternative to your current situation - you just have to think creatively and talk about it with your friends and family who know you best.

[twinkiedooter]

If he is an over the road truck driver and using drugs he WILL get caught sooner or later either by his company doing random drug tests or the DOT or the State Troopers. And when that happens he will not be able to get another job driving a truck as drug use while on duty driving a truck is forbidden in the industry. Then you will have to find another place to live and another meal ticket. In the meantime, I'd start looking for another meal ticket before he gets caught. It's just a matter of time until this happens. He can't keep it up indefinitely and not get caught.

You can move out and get a job to tide you over until you finish your schooling.

[N0help4u]

Sounds like you married his family.
Is it worth it to stay for those rare great moments?
In 20 to 30 years you will look back and ask yourself, ''Whats 20 to 30 years with only 4 or 10 worth of good memories when the bad outweighs the good?''

[503person]

If I were you, I would leave. You're too young to waste your time being unhappy and focusing your entire life on someone else. You can't base everyday on whether someone else is happy or what they are doing. You have to take care of yourself. You have to let yourself go. He's not going to change, ever. He's stuck in his ways and you put up with it and come back to him, so why would he change?

Move in with your family, get loans, scholarships (there are scholarships for everything from single women to left handed blondes who grew up in wincherstersonvilletown n.c.) Where there's a will, there's a way. You have to take care of you, because you're the one who has to see you in the mirror everyday for the rest of your life.

[twinkiedooter]

If I were you, I would leave. You're too young to waste your time being unhappy and focusing your entire life on someone else. You can't base everyday on whether or not someone else is happy or what they are doing. You have to take care of yourself. You have to let yourself go. He's not gonna change, ever. He's stuck in his ways and you put up with it and come back to him, so why would he change?

Move in with your family, get loans, scholarships (there are scholarships for everything from single women to left handed blondes who grew up in wincherstersonvilletown n.c.) Where there's a will, there's a way. You have to take care of you, because you're the one who has to see you in the mirror everyday for the rest of your life.

I really don't think the OP wants to leave as she has no ready meal ticket to take over where this one would leave off. She is making up excuses to stay and just wants our imput telling her yes, dearie, it's fine and dandy that you stay as you deserve to stay home and be a kept woman.

503 - You have touched upon some really, really good information for those women who really want to get out of such relationships and improve themselves and make a life for themselves, but unfortunately I don't think this OP really wants or needs our advice/help/input.

[talaniman]

As long as you depend on him, you eat his shat.

I have family willing to be there for me until I graduate college (kind of- I can live with them but financially I don't know what to do).

That's a better plan than the one you have now. Get to a safe place, and then get help with your issues, and see what your other options are.

[321543]

You already know the answer , you have lived it, felt it, breathed it, only you don't want to except it and take action upon it . You want outsiders too tell you this time. After retiring from the Military I became a Law Enforcement officer , only for a short while before I discovered I didn't have what it took to deal with people like this, hurting there loved ones, having to haul them out of the home they lived in the middle of a cold night and dropping them out on a cold street out side the county when they had nobody to call because of this same thing. I never knew such things happened ( call me stupid ) I was not brought up in a home like this nor do I raise my family like this.

Remember You will always be welcomed by the family , just don't buy into the x's bull . Be strong for yourself.

Nobody has power over you unless you give it onto them FREELY...

[grneyes908]

Hi Hun, I can sit here and after reading that, tell you that you need to leave. But that is not going to solve anything. I can’t tell you what to do. It won’t matter unless you choose what step is next. YOU have to be the one who makes the choices as you have to live with them. I have been in the same boat as you, so I know where you are coming from. My husband was an alcoholic and bipolar. It was a very abusive relationship. Every two weeks, it was one heck of a fight going on. I would get tired of it and then kick him out. We must have split up a zillion times, but I like you was promised a big change and they would get help. Yea they would start the help, but eventually he would fall off the wagon again. He was making me think he was drinking non alcoholic beer but come to find out he was pouring beer into the can, He was hiding the beer cans up in the kids closets so I would not find them.
The last time he went nuts, pushing shoving, ripping phone line from the house. Threatening to kill me, run his truck over my head to be exact, called me every name in the book. I threw him out and got an op. He got word to me that he was in counseling and taking his meds. So I thought OK he is trying. I gave him his truck back and agreed to go to counseling with him. Two days later, he got up, got a hold of me and was very nasty and down. Caused a big argument and then 3 hours later went and ran his truck into a power pole and killed himself.
What I am trying to say is that even though we love them and want to be with them. We can not change them. They are the only ones who can make that choice. With your husband using, that is showing disrespect to you as he knows you are a recovering addict( just as I am). Doesn’t matter if it’s around you are not. Its still disrespect. Him laying his hands on you—disrespect – let along just wrong. I had a hard time dealing with my husband’s death, but I have come to see that he never loved me. If he put me threw all the abuse and everything—that is not love. That was him being selfish on his end. I did and do deserve better.
You are a very strong women, and you can make it on your own. I did with two kids.Yes, its very hard, but you will feel so much better knowing you did this on your own. I am not a real religious person but I do believe that my higher power will never give me anything I can’t handle. You can handle this and you don’t deserve the treatment that you are getting. Being showered with attention and “love” is fine but honey he is just buying your love and you to stay with him. One who loves you, shows it all the time and never hurts you. You deserve better honey and you need to do something before something bad happens. Just know that people do care about you and you have to take care of number one and that is you. No one can love you until you love yourself.