[jalene11]

I am not sure how to start this but here is goes! I am a 33 year old female who was single for 7 years and then got with an amazing man who got me in trouble after 5 years and now we are no longer dating. I waited 2 years to have another relationship to try and get over the ex but we still have contact with each other with no feelings. The gentleman that I am with now is amazing. I have a daughter and he treats her like gold and a princess:o. He is so wonder to me. He is everything that I want in a man. We are currently engaged but have not set a date because I still need time to make sure this is the one. The issue I am having is that he is so inconfident about himself which is affecting our relationship. He is really clingy and just wants me to do everything in the world for him and still work 2 jobs and take care of everything else. He gets mad when I am on the phone and not paying attention to his needs, his wants. I feel that he is trying to take charge over my life and my daughter's life too! I love him a lot I do but I don't know what to do. Can you give me some advice?:(

[I wish]

He is everything that I want in a man. ... He is really clingy and just wants me to do everything in the world for him and still work 2 jobs and take care of everything else. He gets mad when i am on the phone and not paying attention to his needs, his wants. I feel that he is trying to take charge over my life and my daughter's life too!

How can he be everything you want in a man when there are so many things about him that bother you?

He sounds extremely needy and controlling. You deserve better than this. He obviously isn't ready for marriage life. Instead of torturing yourself in such a suffocating relationship, I would say, dump him and find someone else who is more compatible with you.

[jalene11]

How can he be everything you want in a man when there are so many things about him that bother you?

He sounds extremely needy and controlling. You deserve better than this. He obviously isn't ready for marriage life. I would say, dump him and find someone else who is more compatible with you.

Thank you so much. I will definitely be doing a lot of thinking about what you said and you are so right I don't need that in my life. Thank you do much for your advice.

[nikosmom]

He is everything that I want in a man. We are currently engaged but have not set a date because I still need time to make sure this is the one. (

Being engaged without a date means nothing really. An engagement should be the time to prepare for the wedding not to decide if you want to marry at all. You should know if you want to marry before accepting the proposal and ring.

Don't settle for less which it sounds like you'd be doing if you go through with this relationship. A marriage should be a partnership and it doesn't seem like you have that with him.

This guy sounds like my ex; everything seemed wonderful on the outer shell. But like you, he had a way of being very controlling and needy. At first it made me feel like "Wow, he really loves me because he wants all of my time!" It became a burden over time and the relationship was no longer enjoyable.

Why doesn't he want you on the phone? Does he not trust you or is he so demanding that you're not allowed to have a life outside of him?

[Romefalls19]

No offense, but most people say yes knowing that the person they are with are who they are going to marry.

Why did you say yes?

[taoplr]

I am not sure how to start this but here is goes! i am a 33 year old female who was single for 7 years and then got with an amazing man who got me in trouble after 5 years and now we are no longer dating. i waited 2 years to have another relationship to try and get over the ex but we still have contact with each other with no feelings. The gentleman that i am with now is amazing. I have a daughter and he treats her like gold and a princess:o. He is so wonder to me. He is everything that I want in a man. We are currently engaged but have not set a date because I still need time to make sure this is the one. The issue i am having is that he is so inconfident about himself which is affecting our relationship. He is really clingy and just wants me to do everything in the world for him and still work 2 jobs and take care of everything else. He gets mad when i am on the phone and not paying attention to his needs, his wants. I feel that he is trying to take charge over my life and my daughter's life too! I love him a lot I do but I dont know what to do. Can you give me some advice?:(

When you say "got me in trouble" do you mean got you pregnant? If so, your daughter came from that pregnancy and the father is still in contact, correct? To understand your position, I just want to be clear about that.

The man you are now with appears very giving and very demanding at the same time. Yes, he will control everything that he can unless you set boundaries and do the work of sustaining them each time he tests them. His neediness isn't such a big deal by itself, since many people desperately feel the need for love, attention, and intimacy. His anger, however, is a red flag. Pay attention to it as it is a bad sign.

You need to figure out where your personal boundaries are: the parts of your life for which you are the only responsible person; who makes decisions about your daughter's welfare; who decides which friends you and she have and what the right amount of time spent with them is; what your top priorities are; who is responsible for fulfilling his security needs (hint: he is); what needs you are willing to fulfill; in short, the lines of ownership in your life.

When you get close to someone, those lines get tested. When you get close to a needy, controlling, angry guy, the tests become severe. To have a happy and healthy relationship, you have to demonstrate the strength to tell him "No" in certain areas, "This belongs to me, my decision, my responsibility." You have to be able to tell him "It's not OK to talk with me that way," when appropriate. And you have to be able to tell him "I'm not available for you now" without him throwing a tantrum. This man will be high maintenance, and you need to be determined to stand up for yourself.

If you can't, either because of something about him or because of something about you, don't hesitate. Walk away. There are other men.

[liz28]

He gets mad when your on the phone and he wants and depend on you to everything for him--well what he is doing for you? You have to be really busy with working 2 jobs and having 2 kids to take care of--him and your daughter.

Sounds like he wants you to be his care giver and he wants to your father rather than a spouse.

Marriage should be the furthest thing from your mind because marriage doesn't make the problems your having go away. It is easy to get into but hard and expensive to get out of.

There is so many things that aren't right in relationship and some people get married for all the wrong reasons--don't be one of those people. Don't get marry just because you like the idea when you have a man in front you that have so many red flags.

Have you ever discuss what him how you feel about him and told him what you wrote on here.

[talaniman]

Sorry but another harshness warning

What looks good on paper must also stand the test of reality. Its a BIG RED FLAG, to get engaged before you know someone well enough to know if its real or fake.

In your hurry to have someone in your life, you have committed before you have investigated THOROUGHLY. HIS ACTIONS NOW ARE A WARNING OF WHAT BEING MARRIED WILL BE ABOUT.


A relationship at this time should be about making you, and your daughter happy without some one else who you THINK you need.

Take your time, and build a life that you enjoy with your daughter, and leave the guys alone. Just date, and have fun getting to know them before you rush headlong into another brick wall you should have seen, and avoided.

[TrueFaith]

So what you mean is my dear

He is everything to me because I can't find anything better
And I am to scared to because I think I am getting old


Not the case

Relationships do take work yes
But if so much bothers you now.

What makes you think it is going to get any better down the line?

You can not change people who they are

You can only change the people that is around in

[Gemini54]

Pretty much wanted to reiterate what other posters have said.

His clinginess is a warning - his attentiveness may have attracted you at the start and made you feel special, but clearly he has other issues.

You don't need another child in your life. You need someone that will share it equally and take responsibility for their own feelings and actions. Ask yourself if you are you settling for second best.

Perhaps you can also tell him your concerns and ask him to take action to deal with his insecurities. Sometimes our partners can be our biggest teachers, and the challenge is to listen to what they say about us.

How you both deal with this will be pivotal not only for your relationship, but to yourself development.

[jalene11]

No offense, but most people say yes knowing that the person they are with are who they are going to marry.

Why did you say yes?

OK and I do understand! I made the choice to say "YES" because everything was fine, BUT all of a sudden things started to change little by little. Yes I do want to marry him. He is making strives to change. I have spoken to him about these things that were bothering me and it seems that because I was not telling him how I felt he did not know what he was doing wrong.

Thank you

[jalene11]

When you say "got me in trouble" do you mean got you pregnant? If so, your daughter came from that pregnancy and the father is still in contact, correct? To understand your position, I just want to be clear about that.

The man you are now with appears very giving and very demanding at the same time. Yes, he will control everything that he can unless you set boundaries and do the work of sustaining them each time he tests them. His neediness isn't such a big deal by itself, since many people desperately feel the need for love, attention, and intimacy. His anger, however, is a red flag. Pay attention to it as it is a bad sign.

You need to figure out where your personal boundaries are: the parts of your life for which you are the only responsible person; who makes decisions about your daughter's welfare; who decides which friends you and she have and what the right amount of time spent with them is; what your top priorities are; who is responsible for fulfilling his security needs (hint: he is); what needs you are willing to fulfill; in short, the lines of ownership in your life.

When you get close to someone, those lines get tested. When you get close to a needy, controlling, angry guy, the tests become severe. To have a happy and healthy relationship, you have to demonstrate the strength to tell him "No" in certain areas, "This belongs to me, my decision, my responsibility." You have to be able to tell him "It's not OK to talk with me that way," when appropriate. And you have to be able to tell him "I'm not available for you now" without him throwing a tantrum. This man will be high maintenance, and you need to be determined to stand up for yourself.

If you can't, either because of something about him or because of something about you, don't hesitate. Walk away. There are other men.

Thank you for your answer

To answer the question about my daughter, NO the "TROUBLE" was a legal situation and not "PREGNANCY". My daughter's father is involved to an extent, by her choice. I did sit with him this weekend and just told him how I feel and how I think it is affecting our relationship and he is willing to change. I told him if he does not change there was not going to be a wedding. He is willing to go to counseling for the anger issues and is willing to be less "NEEDY". A lot of my friends say that I SPOILED him from the beginning instead of him spoiling me so may be this is all my fault.

[jalene11]

He gets mad when your on the phone and he wants and depend on you to everything for him--well what he is doing for you? You have to be realy busy with working 2 jobs and having 2 kids to take care of--him and your daughter.

Sounds like he wants you to be his care giver and he wants to your father rather than a spouse.

Marriage should be the furthest thing from your mind because marriage doesn't make the problems your having go away. It is easy to get into but hard and expensive to get out of.

There is so many things that aren't right in relationship and some people get married for all the wrong reasons--don't be one of those people. Don't get marry just because you like the idea when you have a man in front you that have so many red flags.

Have you ever discuss what him how you feel about him and told him what you wrote on here.

Thanks for the response to my issue!

Yes I did speak to him for the first time about this this weekend and he was "SHOCKED"! He said that he did not feel I described the situation right and that I had never expressed myself to him about this at any time. That I say was my bad. I should have confronted him about how I felt from the beginning of his change. He was very understanding though and is willing to go to anger counseling and is standing back a bit. Hopefully the talk will help him or both of us. I think I should just be more open to discussing the things that are bothering me and not so closed up. It is hard for me to talk to anyone about a situation and I can't believe I actually got on this site but I am glad I did because a lot of the things that you and others are saying are actually true things I needed to talk about.

We made a decission to work on it together and he is more understanding of my feelings. Like I was thinking, I should have been more expressive and told him from the beginning when I first saw the changes, because he was not like this before we moved in. SO thank you so much all of you for the advice!!

[jalene11]

So what you mean is my dear

He is everything to me because I can’t find anything better
And I am to scared to because I think I am getting old


Not the case

Relationships do take work yes
But if so much bothers you now.

What makes you think it is going to get any better down the line?

You can not change people who they are

You can only change the people that is around in

I don't feel that I am afraid of being alone. If you look at the question I posted I had been single for 2 Years before I met him. I am not afraid of BEING ALONE! I actually enjoyed being alone. I have no problems getting guys cause I am not a bad looking female. I gave myself plenty of time to get over the ex and get my life situated. We were very close friends before we decided to have a relationship. We were friends for 8 years.

I am not afraid to get OLDER because I have pleanty of life left and can stay single with no problem for the rest of my life. To let you know, you can't change anyone unless they are willling to change and after our conversation he is willing to change. He is getting into counseling and is willling to step back on the phone situation. I believe that every one in this world deserves a chance at change and I am going to give him that oppurtunity.

So again, I AM NOT SCARED TO BE ALONE OR OLDERThese are not the issue! I love him very much and he is willing to do what it takes to make our relationship stay together and not end up like MOST PEOPLE and give up on love. We are going to work at it as a team and if it doesn't change then what ever, I will leave. I believe GOD will lead me to the right path!!

[jalene11]

Thank you for your advice! I am willing to allow him to change but if he does not change and continues the CLINGY NEEDY ways I will not hesitate to leave him. I love him but I can't be anyone's mother I have a child. I did discuss it with him and he is willing to change and get counseling for his anger and willing to be less other the other things I discussed.

Thank you for your advise and I just pray to GOD that he helps both of us because I am not a saint either!

[taoplr]

Jalene11,
Thank you for your answer

To answer the question about my daughter, NO the "TROUBLE" was a legal situation and not "PREGNANCY". My daughter's father is involved to an extent, by her choice. I did sit with him this weekend and just told him how I feel and how I think it is affecting our relationship and he is willing to change. I told him if he does not change there was not going to be a wedding. He is willing to go to counseling for the anger issues and is willing to be less "NEEDY". A lot of my friends say that I SPOILED him from the beginning instead of him spoiling me so may be this is all my fault.

Well, Jalene, from reading your replies, it appears that you are taking appropriate responsibility for your situation. Good for you! While it might not be all your fault, and while "fault" in itself might not matter, your attitude of ownership says to me that you have an excellent chance of making this relationship work.

Some things to keep in mind:

People change their ideas, beliefs, and behaviors. We don't change what we are, our true nature. Neither you nor he will become different people, but after you are married, more of your hidden selves will emerge. As the veneer of social conventions wears away, the deeper, less conscious models of who and what you are come to the surface. That's why so many spouses are surprised once the honeymoon is over. The unconscious models replace the conscious niceties and good intentions.

People learn by modeling others. Our behavioral repertoire is determined by models that we learned as children. We watch Dad and Mom having an argument, we copy them, while thinking "This is how men argue," or "This is how women fight for what they want." Same for love, learning, playing, and so on.

It's in your interest to go to therapy with him starting now, to deal with the anger and clinginess, plus whatever concerns he has about your behavioral patterns. That's the magic word: Patterns. In the communication process, both in therapy and by yourself, pay close attention to his and your patterns. Recognize them and be prepared to confront them in the future. They can change, but it takes work, feedback, and honesty.

Last, you are already aware that you contributed to his pattern of sucking up all your energy. Stay aware of your part.

Best wishes,

Tao

[jalene11]

Well, Jalene, from reading your replies, it appears that you are taking appropriate responsibility for your situation. Good for you! While it might not be all your fault, and while "fault" in itself might not matter, your attitude of ownership says to me that you have an excellent chance of making this relationship work.

Some things to keep in mind:

People change their ideas, beliefs, and behaviors. We don't change what we are, our true nature. Neither you nor he will become different people, but after you are married, more of your hidden selves will emerge. As the veneer of social conventions wears away, the deeper, less conscious models of who and what you are come to the surface. That's why so many spouses are surprised once the honeymoon is over. The unconscious models replace the conscious niceties and good intentions.

People learn by modeling others. Our behavioral repertoire is determined by models that we learned as children. We watch Dad and Mom having an argument, we copy them, while thinking "This is how men argue," or "This is how women fight for what they want." Same for love, learning, playing, and so on.

It's in your interest to go to therapy with him starting now, to deal with the anger and clinginess, plus whatever concerns he has about your behavioral patterns. That's the magic word: Patterns. In the communication process, both in therapy and by yourself, pay close attention to his and your patterns. Recognize them and be prepared to confront them in the future. They can change, but it takes work, feedback, and honesty.

Last, you are already aware that you contributed to his pattern of sucking up all your energy. Stay aware of your part.

Best wishes,

tao

Thank You SO Much for your reply! And you are right. I have also contributed to his behavior by allowing it to happen. Yesterday we set up an appointment with a therapist who handles pre marriage problems. My Fiancé actually set it up for him but the therapist suggested that we go together, which I find that it is a good idea. I was really surprised that he had done it before I got home and we have been communicating a lot lately which I feel was one of our problems. I know that one of the important things in a relationship is communication. He told me it is not the fact that I am on the phone but the times I pick to be on the phone. He also said that he is clingy because he never had a person care so much about him and want him to succeed so much in his life (parent was not so supportive of him while growing up)! Well, I am praying to GOD that this relationship works out. I am glad that we are both going to see a therapist because again I am not a saint and I need to work on some things too! I am also going to do what you suggested and look at the patterns, which I can now see and see how we can break that cycle (his father and mother are nt together and she was very violent while in a relationship)! I think that we can break the cycle just suppoting each other and working hard to make this be a great relationship!

Thank you again!