Originally Posted by
taoplr
Well, Jalene, from reading your replies, it appears that you are taking appropriate responsibility for your situation. Good for you! While it might not be all your fault, and while "fault" in itself might not matter, your attitude of ownership says to me that you have an excellent chance of making this relationship work.
Some things to keep in mind:
People change their ideas, beliefs, and behaviors. We don't change what we are, our true nature. Neither you nor he will become different people, but after you are married, more of your hidden selves will emerge. As the veneer of social conventions wears away, the deeper, less conscious models of who and what you are come to the surface. That's why so many spouses are surprised once the honeymoon is over. The unconscious models replace the conscious niceties and good intentions.
People learn by modeling others. Our behavioral repertoire is determined by models that we learned as children. We watch Dad and Mom having an argument, we copy them, while thinking "This is how men argue," or "This is how women fight for what they want." Same for love, learning, playing, and so on.
It's in your interest to go to therapy with him starting now, to deal with the anger and clinginess, plus whatever concerns he has about your behavioral patterns. That's the magic word: Patterns. In the communication process, both in therapy and by yourself, pay close attention to his and your patterns. Recognize them and be prepared to confront them in the future. They can change, but it takes work, feedback, and honesty.
Last, you are already aware that you contributed to his pattern of sucking up all your energy. Stay aware of your part.
Best wishes,
tao
