[donttouchthat]

Hey all,

You've probably heard it all before, just want a little advice.

I've been with my girlfriend for about a year and a half now. About 2 months ago, we became long distance (and hour and a half drive).

She's been really busy with school, and it's been hard for her to fit time in to come and visit me. I think she has started to view visiting me as a pressure rather than something she wants to do because of this.

I spoke to her 2 days ago, and I knew something was wrong. She didn't want to tell me, but eventually she did, she was very emotional and started crying. She told me that she just doesn't know if she feels the same anymore, but she needed to come see me in person to talk about it.

I was shocked, to me, this came out of nowhere.

She got here that night, and basically told me that in the last few weeks she had started viewing me less and less as a boyfriend and more as a friend. She said it didn't feel awkward or strange to kiss or embrace me, it just didn't feel the same anymore. I told her I was sorry if anything I had done made her feel this way, and that I understand how busy she has been lately and I was probably adding pressure to her already busy life. She told me she wrote a 6 page letter to tell me about her feelings, but she decided not to give it to me, because seeing me in person had changed her mind. I suggested that maybe we should take some time apart, so that she has time to evaluate what she wants and wouldn't have to feel obligated to come and visit me. She agreed. Everything seemed back to normal, she spent the night, I kissed her goodbye the next morning.

Yesterday morning, after getting home I receive a text, "what do you feel when you kiss me?" I of course knew where this was going. I called her and she told me that it just wasn't the same for her, but she hasn't completely lost interest in me, and she wants to try and make it work. That maybe the time apart will help her decide if she wants to be with me or not. Of course, I'm heartbroken, couldn't sleep at all last night, it will be hard today at work.

I sucked it up, and called her. I told her how I felt. That no matter what she decides, I will accept her decision and still be there for her as a friend if she decides not to be with me. I told her that I only want her to be happy. She thanked me and told me it meant a lot to her that I was understanding and not angry with her. I told her that I wouldn't be calling or texting as much, to give her some space.

My question is, when she texts me or calls me, do I respond or answer? She always texts me good morning or goodnight. Do I just ignore these texts? I don't want to come across as being a jerk, but I do want to give her time to miss me.

I've already accepted this break as a break up. Though she said she does not want me to date anyone else, and she of course will not either (I believe her). But I need to start to prepare myself for what could likely happen. I do have hope, because it was she that suggested she wanted to try and work things out.

Advice anyone?

[bluemoon2]

Hey...

As a woman, I'd say respond to her when she contacts you. She'll still be able to miss you if you only talk when she initiates. Don't send texts or call regarding how much you miss her and want to get back together, etc. Let her reach out to you. I hope everything works out for you. I've recently gone through the same thing. My boyfriend came out of the blue and told me that he's just not sure if he loves me in the same way anymore. It was a complete shock to me. It's now been a month and a half and he calls me once in a while and texts me here and there. He said that he could just break up with me and not talk to me anymore... but he doesn't want to do that. I find it all confusing.

[Romefalls19]

Personally, after being down this road. I wouldn't respond. She wanted space, then going to text you? It's like keeping you on a hook in case nothing better is out there. Ignore her texts or simply tell her for the time being, please do not text me so we can give each other space.

[none12345]

You said you want her to miss you, so I take it you are strategically planning to get her back? I don't think that is a good idea. If she loves you, let her come back on her own.

From how I see it, her feelings have changed and I don't see things getting back to how it was, although if she does contact you, respond in a short manner to see what she wants. If she doesn't say she wants to get back or want to talk casually just say you have to go.

But I strongly recommend you move on with your life and don't wait for her to come around because she might never.

[talaniman]

Talaniman Rule- If a female doesn't know how she feels about you, leave her alone, and get on with a life that you enjoy.

Read my signature, and make up your own mind, whether or not you want to run head first into this brick wall or not. Just me I vanish for a (long) while, and do my own thing. Avoid her confusion, and head games.

[liz28]

Tal is right!

You might have thought this break came from nowhere but she been debating and dreading it over and over in head until she got the courage to tell you.

Why should you talk to her whenever she feels like it? She made her decision and she can't have it both it ways. Some how I think she wants you to stick around while she goes exploring and if she doesn't find what she is looking for she knows she will have you. You're her lifeboat.

As a woman, I believe that once someone asked for space you deal with it and give them what they ask for. Move on because life goes on. Break are usually permanent and you already realize that and is adjusting to it.

You don't have to talk to her nor be her friend because your going through the motions too and need to heal. Talking to her will only leave you stuck.

So get out there and have fun!

[ayejay0601]

Do not contact her. Do not Contact her. Do not contact her. She has to really believe that she is going to lose you to realize how important you are to her. Right now she knows that if she snaps her fingers, you will come back to her. She knows that she has the power and that she has not lost you. She has to realize that you aren't needy and do not need her in your life. Then, she will realize just how great you were and suddenly she might panic and come back to you.

[donttouchthat]

I'm good not contacting, because I'm not needy. I just don't know what to do when she initiates, because it's not like we're upset at each other. She may take my ignoring her texts as being angry, which I'm not, just sad.

[liz28]

Don't focus her reaction to your not responding to her texts. This is what she asked for and she has to respect your feelings too.

[donttouchthat]

Thanks for all the suggestions guys.

One more question, when I talked to her the other night, she told me that she doesn't want to see other people and doesn't want me to see other people until we decide what we want from the break. Now, I didn't ask her if she wanted to see other people or not, she came out and said this to me. So while I'm trying to move on, do I need to act as if I'm in a relationship and not meet other people?

[Syzygy]

What she is doing is making you her safety net.

You guys are not together anymore. You should feel free to see other people if you wish - don't let her words hold you back.

[donttouchthat]

I'm just going to use this thread as a little venting place for myself, I hope that's not against the TOS?

Anyhow, tried going out with some friends last night to get my mind off things. I was happy for the first 5 minutes, then just wanted to go home.

Couldn't sleep at all last night, I'm sure you all know the feeling, knots in my stomach, depressed, anxiety, etc.

It's my birthday today, and it will officially be the worst birthday I can remember. Both of my roommates left on trips for over a month, and I just got dumped. I feel so alone.

Haven't gotten a birthday text or call from her yet, though I'm pretty sure she will, because she's a really sweet person. I just don't know how I'm going to respond..

She said she still wanted to come visit me on my birthday, but I told her it wouldn't be a good idea for the both of us.

If she does come and visit (without telling me), how am I supposed to act? I know I might be stressing for nothing because she likely will not come. But if she does, do I act disconnected? And if I do, would that make things worse? If she's in the deciding phase right now, and her last physical memory of me is treating her like a 'friend' wouldn't that really push her in that direction? On the same token, if we just act like nothing happened, that could make things worse for me. It's only been two nights so far, but they've been really rough, and being alone for the next month is really not going to help any...

[kctiger]

Happy Birthday man! My last birthday was AWFUL. Get it together man! Be happy.

[liz28]

I be the second person to say "Happy Birthday".

If she come over don't let her in. It will only make you feel 10x worst. You can make the best of your birthday alone, I did a few times. Watch some movies,or pump some music.

Also, you can always come on here to vent.

[donttouchthat]

Thanks guys, she just called to say happy birthday, we kept it short. So sad, just 3 days ago I was holding her, now... nothing :(

[talaniman]

Your still in shock, the grieving will start soon.

[ayejay0601]

Yeah, I agree with Tal. As unhappy as you are now, it will get worse before it gets better. If she does try to see you, I would be very polite and continue talking as you always did--make her remember how great it was to be with you and to be held by you, your natural smell, etc. But don't give her too much... make her leave wanting more. Keep it short and you should be the one to end the conversation. Just my thoughts... and likely what I will do when my ex comes to visit me.

[donttouchthat]

Well she won't be coming tonight. She just called and asked if she could, and I said if we are really going to give this a chance at working, it's best if she didn't. So we decided to celebrate another day when things are better. Think I'm going to leave work now, I can't concentrate. I keep going over the what if's and if onlys.

[donttouchthat]

Threads merged and edited


Hey all,

It's been just about 3 months now since I moved (1.5 hours away). We had been doing fine, seeing each other once a week on the weekends, she felt great about having her own space. Then, 4 days ago, she broke down emotionally to me and told me she didn't know how she felt about things. She was unsure about us, she didn't feel the same about me anymore and started viewing me more as a friend. She told me she still wanted to make things work, and we decided that maybe some time apart would help her decide.

So after just a couple of days, I got a call from her step dad. She had a severe anxiety/panic attack. At this point, I didn't care about the space, and I called her.

She has been going through a lot emotionally this month. She was 2 weeks late on her period, she's having problems getting loans for school, finals, and then had an anxiety attack. She has been holding all of her issues inside and hasn't really grieved or dealt with them yet. She told me that nobody understood her, and it was hard to talk to anybody about her ex. Here's the problem. She feels like I'm the only one who understands, and that I'm the only one she can talk to about it. But she doesn't, and she doesn't want to because she feels it might make her view me completely as a friend, and she want's to be with me.

I told her I would come over if she wanted, but it was her decision. She had a hard time deciding, because she knew the space would be better for our relationship, but at the same time she was hurting, crying all day. We eventually decided I should go over, and keep it light hearted, just to help cheer her up a little.

So now what? How do I go about this situation? I know there is no right or wrong answer, but hearing some suggestions would really help.

At this point, we've decided to really start the break, so that she can have time to decide what she wants. I told her to take as much time as she needs, I don't want her to have any more pressure or stress in her life. I don't think the NC thing is right for this situation, because she really needs somebody right now, and she feels that I'm the only one she can turn to. At the same time, she and I both want this to work, because we see a future together, but not giving her true space could end us.

Should I continue talking to her and just take a physical break? Or do I really need to give her a NC break to let her decide what she wants?

I feel like maybe she needs to deal with these issues before she can even start to think about us. Maybe that's why she's confused about her feelings for me. How can she possibly think straight with all of this going on in her mind? Sure, I've thought about just being her friend through all of this, and I've told her this as well. But she and I both don't want to lose each other romantically because we've grown so close through all of this.

I'm sorry this has turned into such a ramble, this is just such a complex situation, any advice or words are appreciated... thanks!

[skydive4life]

I would just give her all the space she needs right now and wait for her to talk to you.. if you don't hear from her for a week or so you can probably check up on her but other than that I wouldn't