[damnit0116]

::sigh::
How should I start my story..
Back to 3 years ago, when I was still in high school, I had this really close best friend. We were so close, and basically did a lot of things together.

I remember our love relationship started during the senior year of high school. And, this relationship was my first love relationship, but not for her. Before me, she was deeply in love with a guy. It was not a good relationship for her. At the end, they broke up, and she was deeply hurt. During that period, I stayed by her side and done everything to make her feel better about herself. Then, this was when our relationship started. I wasn't sure if I was truly in love, or I only wished to replace that last guy she loved. At that time, I even knew that we would have no future. But... I just couldn't stop from loving her. I only wished to make her happy, even with tons and tons of lies.

Yes, this is where the nightmare started. Our year long nightmare...

During the relationship, and the senior year of high schook, everything was fun and loveable. There were times I thought we may have a future and such. I really thought that was the first and the last of my love. I was so into it, never realized how all my lies would eventually hurt her so much. I thought to myself, once everything is stable, once we both were sure about our future. Then, I will tell her every truth.

Our relationship continues till the middle of freshman year. We lived so far away from each other, so we basically communicated by msn. I guess her life must be rough and lonely in Hawaii. There, she wanted to break up with me because she was seeing someone there.

Now, I realized that couldn't blame her. She believed all the lies I told her. I lied to her that there was someone else who likes me. However, as I was in my first love, I just couldn't think logically. I was blaming her for everything. I remember those days were the saddest days I have been through. I totally believed she cheated on me. I even wanted a revenge.

Then, during the second half of my freshman year, I did nothing but only humiliated her. I caused both of them broke up. I made up soooo many lies and accidents to bring her back to me. Soo many lies, now I just couldn't believe how I did it. I told myself: once I made her loved me so much again, I would dump her, cheat on her. So she would know how I felt. During the second half of year, I gave her nothing but gilt, sadness, and confusion.

Then, time pass. My hatred for her was dying. At the same time, my regrets and gilt grew. I never felt a moment of joy since the revenge. I thought revenge would make me feel better, but no. I finally realized I did not love her. I finally realized all I have done was only for revenage. I wished I could travel back in time and undo all the things I have done. So, I stopped talking to her. She felt my coldness. At the end of freshman year, we peacefully broke up. I even knew she was seeing someone. We agreed to be best friends only.

Yeah, I still did not tell her any truth. All the lies and accidents, she still thought they were real.

Then, this one day. She learned all the truth from another friend of hers. She was so angry of me, like she would never forgive me for the rest of the life. She called me "crazy and geniously insane". I don't blame her. If I was her, I would do the exactly same thing.

It has been two years. Every time I thought of her, all the guilt and regrets would overcome me. Every time I thought of her, I could not help but cried. I really hated myself. I believed I deserved all these. In the past two years, we totally blocked each other.

So, my question is. I guess this would be my only regret that I will take with me when I die. I hope I can have this resolved, but I doubt if it is possible. I wish I can email her and tell her how sorry I am, but I even doubt she will accept my apology. It is still really hard for me to not to think about her and all the things I have done. Please don't be misunderstood. I do not want her back or anything. I wish only for forgivness. I wish there will be one day she will tell me that she forgives me. I know it is impossible to be best friends like the past. I wish I can stop feeling sad and guilt. The only thing I could do is to make myself workaholic. I either stay busy at school until late night or work until I am tired.

I have a loving boyfriend now. But, I am scared most of the time. I am scared I would do the same thing to my boyfriend. I even told myself I do not deserve such love. What should I do? I wish I can tell her sorry, but how?

[talaniman]

Forgive yourslf, and promise to learn your lesson, by not repeating the bad behavior, and get rid of the guilt. She will heal without it. So must you.

Be better moving forward.

[griffers90]

You need to forgive yourself and move on. You're resolution needs to be to be honest with your parnter whether what needs to be said is soething they want to hear or not. Look back on the new relationship with no regrets.