[SoulSealedEarth]

This story is very long one. Some of which you may not believe. I don't expect you to. I am not debating beliefs just the help I need for relationship problem.
For two years I was with my first love. It was a little on and off. He was very egotistical, and sometimes emotionally abusive. But we worked things out eventually. I have ha serious depression for about four and a half years. Untreated, my mom had yelled and screamed at me when I had finally gotten the courage to tell her about it. She isn't in my life much anymore she is too busy having fun with men and giving our money to them now. I do not wished to be compared to her though. She is 41 now, she has four kids including me, and has been very emotionally destructive to everyone, ever since I grew up.

Basically I wasn't entirally emotionally stable, and struggled with myself. I finally found this wonderful person. He protected me, I loved him. I could be my weird self and it just didn't matter. He accepted me and most of my opinions, even if he didn't share them. He was just my everything and I relied on him... more than I should have. At the time I did not know not to do that. He treated me special and gave me comfort. It made me feel whole. We had fights like other people, he did baka things, I got mad and cried. I would want to be with him for too long and pull him away from his friends, he got frustrated. In the end of all this. I knew that even with this I really loved him. At the time being a junior I thought he is the one, I couldn't be with anyone else.

He started to mess with dark things, made a pact with the devil (its serious, even if you don't believe it, it sure brought me hell). Because of him... I lost myself. I lost my virginity. I lost all trust in people. I believe in us and our love. But I had got so corrupted because of him. I got possessed and so did he. My actions were not entirally my own. My world was black and white. I could not feel anything in me but pain in my heart. It began to feel like I was in a movie and I was watching everything and couldn't feel it at all just watch. Like trapped in a glass window and watching things happening but you couldn't do anything. You could cry and scream and try your hardest but it was only staying in there with you to blacken your soul and heart.

Even when I went to a spiritualist and got it removed. I was not entirely me. And it was hard to adjust back to the world. I had established a way too strong connection to someone I shouldn't trust but I did. He was possessed and he hurt me very badly. I did all that I could to get him better. He was over the top emotionally abusive. I clung to him closer, because I knew it wasn't him. It was awhile things were like that. Eventually the spiritualist used the connection between us through me and got that thing out. Even when he became okay. He was still like that. Which was because he admitted he was like that at the core. And I had reached that with him that much knowing and connection. In that year I also ODed on antidepressents and ed up my mind so much. I nearly killed myself. It altered my mind.

All that time I had one person I could truly talked to about that. He was my best friend he lives a few states away, but we always had a connection that was weird. We connected and liked each other immediately.. He liked me, but he was very set on helping me through it. He had seen a lot of potential in me to really be a good person someday, and to break free of my house, and my boyfriend who I just couldn't move away from. He was my only source of light in the blackened depression and pain that I felt. When I was finally able to get rid of my boyfriend. I wanted my best friend. He was the best person for me. After a month things didn't feel right. I had all these things inside, and pain, suffering, and things left from my ex. The connection was there. I had hidden it subconciously. It hadn't broken because I wasn't able to come to terms with what happened. There was never any closure...

I ended up cheating on my boyfriend, I slept with my ex... I felt horrible. I kept it a secret for a few months. I was harassed every now and then from my ex. Sometimes it was very bad. It hurt me a lot. It slowly dragged me down. I thought that if I lied about it, and kept it to myself that it was the right thing. Because it was my burden to bear, my pain and guilt. It should only hurt me. I was stupid and foolish to think that even if my intentions were not to hurt him. This year I ended up making out with my friend at school a few times. I had let them come to close to my emotions. It was because of the that was still there. I hadn't freed myself from the guilt that plagued me. I hadn't been able to come to terms from a lot. I am a very empathetic person... I can feel what others do.

That is why when I become close to people it is very hard to break away. My boyfriend found out a weak ago. Through my ex, me. It went down horribly. I explained this to him. He is hurt... and I never wanted to do that to him. I love him. I had just never truly focused on my own needs and it became a big problem and I ended up doing very stupid things. I never want to be like that again. Not ever. I do not want this to effect my life. I do not believe that I am a bad person. I just did some absolutely horrid things. I can't see myself with anyone else but my lover.. my best friend... long distance relationships are hard... but It doesn't matter. I want him. I do. My burdon is not plaguing me like it was.

I feel very guilty... and horrid. He sees visions of me and my ex doing it and he can't erase it from his mind. He is just constantly plagued by it. I asked him if he wanted me to leave him be for awhile so I didn't trigger his pain. He wants me to be with him. He is finding it hard to come to terms with this. He doesn't trust me. I understand that. He says that to gain his trust back I have to fix and work on myself. But these images won't stop with him... has anyone else been cheated on or have any good advice... I want to here it from your point of view. My lifes pain is no excuse for pain I have caused my lover...

[liz28]

Since the trust was broken by you it is going take time to rebuild it. He has forgiven you but not forgotten. He need to cope with your betrayal. If he can't then it's might end. Did you tell him about the friend you cheated with at school because if you haven't then he mig find out and that will be the end. I think you should have confessed that as well because word can get to him.

I think you need to work on yourself and maybe you got involved with him too soon. Healing takes time and it's okay to have suport from others but you must work on you before you can committ to someone. I admit that your post was interesting and I believe it because anything is possible but what have you done for yourself. Have you seen a counselor to help you with your issues?

Stay away from your ex because do you really want to relive the past? I think you need some alone time to focus of yourself.

[talaniman]

He needs time to process things, and you need time to work on yourself.

I strongly suggest you take it. Away from each other.

Neither of you is ready for a relationship, at least not a healthy one.

Before you say it, I already know how hard it is to do the right thing by you both, but shortcuts will lead to disaster, so don't waste your time looking for the easy way out.

There are none.

[SoulSealedEarth]

I go to a healing group. I am doing some of that today. They do a lot of spiritual healing. We just need to learn to see past these mistakes. My mistakes. It's a long distance relationship so I have time to myself. I told him about the guy friend. About everything. I am not going to be like this anymore.

[liz28]

You need to work on yourself and you don't need someone in your life to do so. You need to be alone and not in a relationship right now and resolve and the issues you have and it goes back to your mother. If anything, if he chooses, your can be friends. Heal yourself and see a counselor.

[sexiilexiii313]

Wow u typed a lot

[neverme]

I have been cheated on and cheated on the same partner.
She cheated on me first and similarly to your relationship I loved her so much and wanted to get over it. She didn't want to be with the girl she kissed, but we ran in similar friend circles so she was around us a good bit and tried coming on to my girlfriend a lot when we were all drinking. I found this very hard. My girlfriend felt extreme guilt and didn't want to hurt anyone involved, including the girl she cheated on me with. This was very difficult and at the same time we had a lot of other upset due to other ex's coming back into her/our life and causing hassle. One night we began to have the same fight for the something-hundreth time and I decided that I would either walk away just then or decide to make it work.
I decided to make it work. Id love to say that was the end of that but unfortunately as our relationship continued I began to become good friends with a mutual male friend. There was always mild flirting but as this is naturally part of mine, and his, nature neither my girlfriend, this mutual friend or I took any notice. I ended up cheating on her with him. I opted not to tell her. I thought it would spell the end of our relationship. To be honest that and other issues did end our relationship recently.

Anyway although I've kind of gone off on a tangent, I tell this story to give you another view of this kind of situation and to show you you are not alone. You need to, for yourself primarily and any hope that this relationship has, give up on the pain and guilt. What's done is done. We are only human and make mistakes.

Give yourself a little break, work seperatly on yourselves and stay in contact and see how you get on...
... hope this helps :)

[TrueFaith]

If you can't be in a relationship don't be in one simple as that.

The idea of one is fun but the reality is something very different.

You really need to look after yourself more and love yourself..

The cheating part. Yeah I don't feel sorry for you on that.

But the Od part. Yeah no one should do that
There is always a way out.
Life is so worth living.. even in the real bad parts.

Everyone has there problems. But its how we deal with them, that makes us who we are.

Don't be weak. Be strong

And get out and really work on yourself.