[Martian536]

Hi All,

I've read all the similar posts.. and basically I do understand what I need to do and I'm hoping Im doing the right thing.. Anyway, my fiancée and I have been together for over 8 years.. this past January, we got engaged and she said yes to marry me..

Anyway, a history about us.. she just turned 27 and I am 29.. We got together when she first moved out on her own at 18 and I was 20... Basically in the beginning of our relationship, she shattered my trust.. a few weeks after we were first dating, I dropped her off to fly back to her hometown.. she was a virgin at that time... then she came back after the weekend and things continued as normal.. fast forward to 2 months or so later, we finall got intimate.. at that moment of intimacy, I'm not sure how it happened.. I think I asked her if she was still a virgin and to my shocking surprise, she said she wasn't... she had given it up to some high school fling (some guy she was just messin around with but they were never official) and she never would see that guy ever again.. what a crazy goodbye present!. I was torn apart but we were already at the heat of it.. I was filled with mixed emotions.. I could never imagine the girl I would fall so in love with could betray me so soon like that..

Fast forward to a few months later, we officially were together and I asked her politely to stop talking to this other dude that she had a high school fling with on her instant messenger.. She removed the guy's name off her buddylist in front of me... a few weeks later, I logged on and the guy's name is back on there! I was so hurt again.. I just couldn't understand if she was truly sorry for what she did to me.. She says he's just a friend.. but it doesn't matter.. I made it so easy for her by losing ties with my girlfriends who I had potential with...

Anyway, I get over it... fast forward to now.. all these years, I became sort of insecure and jealous because of the pain.. we barely fight about other stuff.. but if anything triggers anything related to affairs or if I question her loyalty, I've been so bad and I've been bringing up the past and put so much guilt and blame into her.. She's honeslty worked very hard to be loyal to me over the last 8 years but I guess I never realized I would be so tormented with jealousy and insecurities.. I should've known right back then that I wouldn't be able to trust 100%... she's a very friendly person and is like a social butterfly with people... sometimes I get jealous of her attention lately..

So anyway, our last big fight was in November, it was over something stupid.. but again, I would start making her seem like a bad person and start blaming my insecurities on her.. then I proposed to her in January, she accepted.. and I told her that once we married, we would both have a clean slate and I could believe in us because she was now my wife..

For the last year, I've been unemployed and in between jobs.. life has been tough for me lately.. she's had a steady job for the last 8 years and we are both done with college and all.. my life has been going downhill and hers has bene steady.. she's been having more of a social support network lately because her 2 sisters moved down to our town for school and now she has more people to spend time with... I sort of saw myself becoming codependent on her and I didn't realize that was happening.. along with that drop in self confidence, the jealousy became worse..

So then came our first big fight while we're engaged.. I just got laid off a job I had for a week because of some discrepancy with my background check, I wanted to vent out to her but we had unexpected company spend the weekend at our house (we've been cohabitating for a long time.. about 6 years).. so I couldn't get some alone time.. then on Modnay, when she got home from work, her young cousin who she sees as her baby sister told her some bad news about her being pregnant and marrying the guy she had an affair with (she cheated on my friend who she was with for 3 years.. ).. I didn't like her behaviro and I couldn't understand why she interacts with this girl so much.. My fiancée has a lot of female friends who are all having guy commitment issues.. none of them are married or have long term relationships.. 1 girl that she's close to just called off her engagement, another one just had a divorce after 1 year of marriage, this cousin of hers cheated on her man.. I just felt like she was part of a bunch of wishy-washy girls who just don't understand what they're doing or are totally insecure...

So anyway, what I wanted to vent out to her (I was depressed) became a chat about what she thought about her cousin.. she immediately blamed the guy for having the baby and I was so upset.. I lashed out on her and got mad and brought up the past again and acted like "is this what all you girls think is okay to do??" I was expecting her to be shocked and against it but she acted like it was whatevers... so everythin gI wanted to vent out became a jealousy attack again.. we had a big fight.. it was slept under the rug again and we went to bed..

She woke up the next morning, kissed me on the forehead and said she'd see me later after work.. she never came home.. she's been gone for 3 weeks now... and now she's decided to move out... she says she can't take it anymore of why I've become so jealous and insecure..

I finally realized what I was doing to her.. I could never fully trust her and build my confidence around her.. I also became codependent and expected her to validate myself..

She still wants to stay engaged and she says she just needs this space to move out and figure out what makes her happy because she can't go on feeling guilty for what she did in the very beginning of our relationship...

I begun the no contact rule.. she did text me a few times but I responded cordially and acted very confident.. she met me in person last week because she wanted to tell me she was going to move out and I accepted it as strong as I could...

Everyone I talk to said I should not let her walk out of my life like that.. she even wanted to give me back the ring because she was so angry.. we were both angry.. but her friends made her realize that she's throwing away 8 years of a relationship... basically if we were married by now, she would have more to grasp onto.. but it sucks that now she is questioning if she wants to take the next step with me...

This really hurts me and I don't ever call her or text her.. I just respond to her if she texts me about stuff, like informing me about taking care of the utilities for the house... I told her straight up that I understand I pushed her away and she told me that we are still exclusively together and not to worry about her dating other people.. I even told her that once she feels that I have become an option, then to do me the favor and send me the ring back...

Am I doing the right thing by giving her the space but remaining to stay engaged on her terms? I understand my jealousy and insecurity really pushed over the edge.. When she met me, she was surprised that I accepted her move out with dignity and calmness.. I wasn't so angry and jealous that she was doing that..

I now embark on not contacting her for 1-2 months.. she says she'll invite me to her new place when she's ready...

Am I doing the right thing? I have lots of activities lined up to make me a stronger person and I'm getting the job back that I lost next week.. so she knows she left me at the lowest point of my life... and that's why the insecurities became worse when she thought they would get better.. I am now about to enroll in therapy to make myself stop thinking negative about our relationship.. but I'm afraid all the anger I put in her will make her become exactly like me.. but she's a strong lady and I hope she forigves me soon..

[Martian536]

Oh and another thing, I am hoping she doesn't start to think the grass is greener on the other side.. because I'm her first love (but 2nd sexual encounter).. so I'm sure I mean a lot to her.. but Im hoping she's not one of those girls who felt like she missed out on her early 20s because all she had was me.. I was never possessive or controlling with her.. it was only when we had these fights that my jealousy would trigger my anger and this is what she hates so much.. she lived a great life with me and we have a lot of mtuaul friends and our families are practically united already so she knows that everybody wants us back together.. that's all I know that's on my favor... however, her two young sisters who are 20 and 21 and her other cousin who is 21, she's been hanging around them a lot lately.. I feel like she wants to be young again and doesn't realize that at this age, its okay to be a lot more settled and committed.. but maybe it was just really myself confidence and my codependency on her that was pushing her away.. she said she is hopeful and wants me to change my ways and reflect on what I did to push her away.. she also pointed out a lot of other bad behaviors of me that I've been too stubborn.. but the main thing that got us here is the anger I put in with our fights.. I realized that she's not a verbal person and avoids conflict and drama... her running off finally made me realized that.. this is the first time she ran off and I'm so shocked that she hasn't looked back.. everythime we fought in the past, I would control the outcome and not give her much space to breathe.. she would get over it but deep down inside she was building a lot of resentment..

[Martian536]

In terms of her qualities, I guess I was expecting too much out of her as well.. I'm her first boyfriend so I know there are things that she can do as well but I'm sure we were just pushing each other further away.. and I would always question her loyalty.. a lot of times when we are in social situations like at our parties or other people's parties, she can easily get distracted and cuaght up with the crowd and I would get jealous that she would not spend quality time with me.. she's the one that loves to entertain and make everyone happy.. she's gotten so use to me being there every day as a routine that when it comes to quality time, there isn't much unless it's a vacation or something... on the weekdays, she would just come home tired from work while I'm wanting to do something because Ive been home all day.. she would just get zoned out in front of the TV and I would just veg out in front of the computer because she was tired... its like we've been emotionally detached lately and I know this is another part of our problem.. so Im hoping the space does get our spark back together so when we see each other, it is quality time.. I guess it takes a heartbreak to realize a lot sometimes.. I see love in such a new light and I just want her to know that I'm ready to reconcile once she is...

[Martian536]

Oh.. and one last thing, this whole break started as her "gray area".. I don't believe in breaks.. its either she's with me or she's not.. but I realize its emotionally tough to be where's at too.. but at first, I thought she would come back after a week, then I text her to tell her to let me know what is going on.. she we spoke and she said she's not sure if this is going to take weeks or months.. then the 2nd week, she starts considering moving out.. I realized I was sort of pushing her away by panicing for the first 3-4 days.. she probably would've come right back if I didn't panic.. but she blindsided me by taking off.. anyway, so the 2nd time was when she wanted to meet me in person to tell me she was moving out.. that was last Friday.. now she's telling everyone that she saw the sincerity of my sorry in my eyes but I wasn't desperate or emotional at all.. I was okay with her choice to leave... then she emails me today about what to do with the utilities and her stuff.. I don't like the fact that I want no contact but she's initiating it to take care of some important stuff about the move... now that she is completely moved out, I am ready to not hear from her for 1-2 months... I'm hoping.. because we are in this "gray area" of where she says we are exclusively together, then I can not afford to lose contact with her after 2 months.. I will do my best to wait for her to invite me... and use this time to get on with my life..

[Martian536]

Wow.. I keep adding more details.. I think I messed up this healing process by getting in touch with her the times I've mentioned.. because in the beginning of our firght, she ran off to a mutual friend and I started talking to the mutual friend about her and too many people got involved initially.. she could never get that alone time but she was the one who was reaching out to a lot of people for advice and I didn't like that.. I felt like I was being casted as a bad person and then we were sending each other mixed signals through these people.. it sucked that we have such a big mutual circle of family and friends... so anyway, her first letter she was able to say that she still loved me and she wasn't giving up on us.. then her letter that she gave to me when she saw me in person to tell me she was moving (I didn't read it till I got home) was a bit more uncertain... she left it at "i don't know how im going to feel about us but i have be willing to take that risk knowing that you might also not be waiting around for me when i come to that point.."... gosh, I hate these gray areas... I feel so bad I pushed her into a tough spot... I hope she's not trying to break up with me easily.. since she's already moved out and waiting for me to get my life together before giving me the boot.. she doesn't say I love you or anything out of love in her last letter or her emails regarding the transfer of bills.. I know its hard for her to say it and she's trying to be strong... I had to really be upfront and told her that the moment it ever crossed her mind that I was to be an option, to call it quits right there but she said that wasn't the case at all.. but I'm hoping this space is really for the better and what she initially wanted it to be.. for both of us to work on ourselves and come back to bring more to the relationship.. I'm the one who has a lot of work to do..

[Martian536]

Another important update, when I told strictly that this "gray area" or "relationship space" thing was confusing me.. I had to be clear that we were still exclusively together (meaning other than to avoid the angry fights and to better ourselves), that we were still going to remain faithful and keep a positive mind to get us back together someday... so anyway, the last impression she got of me was seeing me calm and relaxed (not the angry insecure person that I usually am) when she met me to tell me she was moving out.. I could see how hard it was for her, she was balling.. she even told people that she was surprised to see me calm about it.. I did tear to show a sincerity of my apology and that was it.. but she's already decided to move out.. this meetup was 3 days ago, then she emails me today about taking over the bills and that's when I told her that the letter I read once I got home was sort of uncertain.. I feel like I added some compassion to her anger by seeing her and being calm and sincere... the letter was written before we got a chance to see each other since the fight (almost 3 weeks) but I still had to make sure I was looking out for myself and if it ever crossed her mind that I became an option, to end it right there.. that I was only willing as much as she's willing..

Anyway, she sent me a text later on today saying "hey, lets just leave it at where we were Friday.." so basically, by me thinking she's going to test the waters is making her become negative.. so again, its my negativity that's making her even think that way.. so I guess I have to ultimately trust in her love (thats what she's wanted me to do all this time).. I ain't going to beg or wait but just be faithful while I work on myself.. she said to have a great weekend and I text her back saying "you better not bump into me if you know what i mean.. haha" in a joking way.. all our chats have been civil now by the way.. we are both going to be in vegas with separate groups of friends and she replied "have fun.. don't stalk me okay... jk.. haha" I had to text her back "umm... no! i'll wait for you to stalk me.. "

And that was it... so now I'm not expecting to see or hear for her for a month or more from here on...

Do you think we'll be okay?

[talaniman]

Move on friend. Enjoy your life without her in it.

[Romefalls19]

I agree with Tal, move on it will be hard but you need to do this. This story is far to complicated

[Martian536]

I agree with Tal, move on it will be hard but you need to do this. This story is far to complicated

Haha.. TELL ME ABOUT IT.. the only thing keeping us together is our big mutual set of friends and our united families that hope we can get back together (everyone thought we were like the perfect couple.. )... and the fact that it's like we've been practically married (cohabitated) for so many years.. I can see how cohabitation does have potential to ruin a relationship because since this is probably what "I" (not her) consider our biggest fight, she was not able to overcome it and had to run away from it, but if we were married.. she'd probably put a lot more heart into working it out right away... on the bright side, at least its not a costly divorce but it sure does feel like it with her moving out.. but only time will tell.. time to move on..

[Romefalls19]

It will hurt, and will take a lot out of you. I'll be honest, it will likely be the hardest thing you go through in your life but the reward will be much better

[Martian536]

Hi All,
I'm going through a major life crisis right now.. I was engaged to my fiancé of whom I've been with for 8.5 years.. basically its like we've been married already because we've cohabitated for several years..

I just proposed to her this January and the first fight we had (due to my insecurity and jealousy) was at the end of April.. she immediately walked out and moved out.. she went on a 2 month break with barely in contact to me... I respected her space and then she met me last Thursday and gave me back the ring and called off the engagement.. I don't know if I'll ever see her again but I hate myself for being mentally sick over the past several years..

I was never a jealous person until she came into my life.. I met her and she swooped me off my feet... While we were casually dating (we were already kissing and all), she told me she was a virgin... I respected that and wanted to wait until we were ready... so anyway, a few weeks later, I drop her off to the airport because she's going back to her hometown.. I met her when she was 18 (I was 20) and right after she moved out of high school for college..

Anyway, she comes back and we continue dating some more.. until the night we first got intimate, I found out she gave it up to some high school fling that she would never ever see again... they weren't even official or anything..

I felt betrayed, I felt like I was second place and I didn't understand why she did that.. I never got involved in any love triangle until she put me in one..

So anyway, that was in the beginning.. then a few months after we became official, I asked her to stop talking to some other dude that she had a fling with (because of what happened).. she took the guy's name off her Instant Messenger in front of me.. a few weeks later, I noticed he was back on.. her excuse was "he's just a friend".. I was even devastated more.. It felt so disrespectful after how she hurt me the first time...

So that was all in the first year of our relationship..

Fast forward 8.5 years later, I lost my job over the past year and have been unemployed.. I've been feeling low lately and don't feel secure about myself.. OVer the last year, I've caused petty arguments with her about her loyalty to me.. She's the type that's very friendly to everybody and her two sisters moved down to the area and now she's more occupied than ever.. I guess I was starting to miss her attention right when I needed it the most..

Then we got into a super major argument about her cousin who cheated on my friend and is now pregnant with the new dude's baby and forced to marry the guy.. I automatically clumped her with her and brought back the past again...

This is when she walked out and couldn't take it anymore..


I need therapy and want to know what's the best way.. I can't really afford therapy sessions but I've read self-help books like "Love Without Hurt".. it teaches me to train myself with compassion and I 100% realize how much resentment she's been building because we would always sweep it under the rug and she would never openly tell me to seek help.. I guess she thought I could handle my jealousy emotions myself...

I broke her identity apart and I never saw this coming.. I am about to buy that program on nomorejealousy.com , they explain how to cope with jealousy after an affair.. she thinks its not an affair because she says she didn't love me yet but it still hurts because she put a guy between us... and I've read an article that says first impressions last a lifetime and if a girl cheats on you while you're dating her in the beginning, expect that to be her best behavior...

So I am too hard on myself? I hope my girlfriend finds the compassion to forgive me for not being able to truly forgive her (forget about the past)...

[Wondergirl]

I need therapy and want to know whats the best way.. I can't really afford therapy sessions

Don't buy self-help stuff off the Internet. Go to your local public library and get the same thing free through interlibrary loan.

There should be therapists in your area who offer their services on a sliding scale. Check the phone book, the Internet, and your county human services office for someone reputable.