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18Ahunnie · May 15, 2009, 08:24 PM

I grew up in a society where a couple gets married and then starts their life living together and exploring. When u live together after you get married you have something to look forward to. I need some opinions on if anyone agrees or disagress with me and why?

Wondergirl · May 15, 2009, 08:26 PM

Marriage first, then live together. Who wants to buy the cow if the milk is free?

none12345 · May 15, 2009, 09:17 PM

I've heard people who don't live together first until they get married have a happier marriage than those who live together before getting married. Also usually those who live together first never do end up getting married. Just a thought. Don't know if its true or not.

ajGambino · May 15, 2009, 09:25 PM

Originally Posted by none12345

I've heard people who dont live together first until they get married have a happier marriage than those who live together before getting married. Also usually those who live together first never do end up getting married. Just a thought. Dont know if its true or not.

If only I'd new that..

CRAP.

none12345 · May 15, 2009, 09:35 PM

Originally Posted by ajGambino

If only I'd new that..

CRAP.

O_O what do you mean? Did it prove true in your case?

ajGambino · May 15, 2009, 09:52 PM

Originally Posted by none12345

usually those who live together first never do end up getting married. Just a thought. Dont know if its true or not.

Well, it's true. In my case anyway.

jenniepepsi · May 15, 2009, 11:02 PM

Well, I hope I don't make anyone mad. But my opinion is it's a GREAT idea to live together first. I was with my daughters biological father for 5 years and everythign was PERFECT. Then we moved in together and he completely canged and became abusive (emotionally socially sexually phyically)

If I had not lived with him first, I would have had a harder time to get away from him with a divorce and all of that stuff.

But I agree many marriages DO work very well and happily even without living together first. I just decided myself never to marry someone before living with them (I lived with my husband for a year before we got married )

ajGambino · May 16, 2009, 12:47 AM

Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

well, i hope i dont make anyone mad. but my opinion is its a GREAT idea to live together first. i was with my daughters biological father for 5 years and everythign was PERFECT. then we moved in together and he completely canged and became abusive (emotionally socially sexually phyically)

if i had not lived with him first, i would have had a harder time to get away from him with a divorce and all of that stuff.

but i agree many marriages DO work very well and happily even without living together first. i just decided myself never to marry someone before living with them (i lived with my husband for a year before we got married )

Yeah, I see where you're coming from. Positives with moving in before marriage is like a test drive before you buy. Good stuff.

Gemini54 · May 16, 2009, 01:21 AM

I'm not sure that there is a right or wrong answer to the question.

It depends upon you, it depends upon them, it depends upon the relationship.

My ex and I knew each other for 8 years before we lived together. We lasted 5 years because in the end he didn't want a committed relationship. My current partner and I knew each other 4 years before we got married and moved in together, and have been married for 7 years, still going strong.

I do think that a short period of living together is probably good. It gives you a feel for the other person and what they are like on a day-to-day basis.

However, it seems that statistically, an extended period of living together before marriage apparently leads to greater likelihood of divorce.

simoneaugie · May 16, 2009, 02:07 AM

What is there to look forward too? Sex? It can take up to a year or more to train a man willing to learn. What if you get married, looking forward to a lifetime with a guy that refuses to learn?

So, yeah, try before you buy if you're female. It may be quite different for men. They orgasm easily and most just watch while women do the housework. I could look forward to that quite easily.

susangpyp · May 16, 2009, 04:24 AM

Many times getting married changes things EVEN if you live together first. There is a more relaxed feel to just living together. Sometimes getting married after living together a while makes it "real." I've had countless clients who lived together a while and then broke up after they got married. I also know couples who had intentions of getting married and lived together a while and it worked out great. Living together is not a guarantee either way.

One thing to keep in mind is that when you move in, you should have a similar idea of what it is "leading to." Many times one person in a co-habitating couple will think that it's "time" to get married and the other is surprised and doesn't want to. That kind of commitment tension is horrible when you're under the same roof.

DoulaLC · May 16, 2009, 05:00 AM

For me, it was marry first... that is just what was expected and what I was comfortable with.

My youngest daughter has said that she plans to live together first when she is in a serious relationship and thinks it may lead to marriage. She wants to be sure, or feels she would at least be more sure, that they would be compatible with how money is handled, how chores are handled, how decisions that would effect both of them are handled, how each does when the other is ill, etc... sort of try before you buy deal.

Having been married, divorced, and now remarried, I can see some point to that.

Either way, there are no guarantees, and I think it comes down more to the two people involved than which path you take first.

18Ahunnie · May 16, 2009, 07:02 AM

What happens when u have been in a relationship for a very long time, then decide to get married but because of cercumstances you move in together first and then don't like it?
Do you just go your separate ways? But when your married most couples tend to work it out after from what I've seen

none12345 · May 16, 2009, 07:45 AM

Originally Posted by 18Ahunnie

What happens when u have been in a relationship for a very long time, then decide to get married but because of cercumstances you move in together first and then dont like it?
Do you just go your separate ways? But when your married most couples tend to work it out after from what ive seen

Well moving on in together is not a commitment, so yes you just go your separate ways if you don't like it. But on the other hand marriage is a commitment so people tend to try to work things out. Everyone made a good point though, it's a good thing to move in first to see how living with them is like but statistically shown that is more likely to lead to not being married than those who don't move in together first.

If you move in with someone and you don't like it, than what's the point of going any further and getting married into something you don't like? It should be a happy marriage not a marriage to just that person and nothing else is considered because that would very well lead to a quick divorce.

DoulaLC · May 16, 2009, 07:59 AM

I think it depends on the people involved. Some may argue that it is easier to end a relationship if you are just living together, this would obviously be true if it were for a relatively short period, but that isn't always the case. In many short and long term relationships couples merge finances, have children, etc. all the things that tend to make many people want to put in the work necessary in the relationship.

When does the work of the relationship become too much work? For some people, they will jump from marriage to marriage when things get too difficult.. so obviously the mere fact of being married hasn't caused them to stick it out. What one couple, or individual, may feel is doable in terms of working through, another may feel is insurmountable... this holds true whether you are married or not.

Most people obviously do go into marriage thinking it is for the long haul... however, a good percentage of those marriages won't last, often to unrealistic expectations, partners growing in different directions, or deciding they don't want to have to work so hard at it.

Then you have to wonder how many people stay in unhappy marriages simply because they don't see a way out, or getting out of it appears to be too much work or they fear they would lose too much. Sometimes the lesser of two "evils" becomes the result... that is truly a sad way to live.

superk · May 16, 2009, 08:15 AM

As long as the couple agrees on any of the set up, there should be no problem. However, when things went sour getting out for the unmarried is a lot easier.

Bottom line,

If the relationship is doomed, no lavish marriage can make one stay. If two people are madly in-love, no easy way out can entice them to leave.

When in doubt, don't get married.

0rphan · May 17, 2009, 08:43 AM

It depends on the people and sometimes their circumstances.

Religion can sometimes play a part also your upbringing.

Then of coarse there are arranged marriages

A trial period can be a good idea and may show up various differences in personalities before they actually commit to marriage, which means the situation will be far easier to back out of.

On the other hand if you marry before you live together and things are not running smoothly, then I think couples are inclined to make much more of an effort to correct their problems, rather than go for divorce which can cost...

Arranged marriages I think only have one choice, it has to work, their religion or family will not allow the couple to part.

However I do think, whether you are together in marriage or not,you should only have children in wedlock.

ChihuahuaMomma · May 25, 2009, 03:25 PM

I personally wouldn't want to marry someone that I didn't know that I could live with. You learn so much more living with a person than just dating them. Sometimes things that make it impossible to live with them, and therefore making a marriage not so much of a success. I want to test drive first.

Fr_Chuck · May 25, 2009, 03:37 PM

Often part of the problem is afer they start living together, it is hard in many cases to get one or the other partner to committ.

superk · May 25, 2009, 11:38 PM

Both choices has it's own pros and cons depending on each party's opinion. It's important that the couple must be on the same page: if they will marry someday. It should be laid on the table at least on the 2nd year of their relationship.

I agree with Orphan. Don't conceive a child if you're on a "test drive" or doesn't want to marry at all.