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kiragira · May 1, 2009, 08:47 PM

I've been depressed pretty much all my life (born in a body that deserves to be in a junkyard, grew up with an abusive father... et cetera)--that is, all fifteen years of it--and I was diagnosed at thirteen. Well... we've been working on medication and my life in general, but...

What am I supposed to do?

I wake up. I eat breakfast. I play video games until sunset. I watch late-night television. I go to sleep. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I'm schooled online, but I'm very debilitated right now and am essentially out of school. People tell me to go out and do something--why? Go out and do what? "Something fun," they say. I tell them I'd pay them sixty dollars to think of "something fun."

I don't know what the point of life is. We weren't put on this planet to wake up, eat, sleep, poop, and play video games. For two years I've been trying to find something better. I've failed.

I'm just wondering if anything's next.

Sure, I'll take your meds and go to your therapy sessions and do a little homework and jump through your flaming hoop.

But it won't make me happy.

Don't worry... I'm in no danger of harming myself, as little a difference as it ought to make (what's a broken leg going to do? Make it harder to get to the bathroom?). I'm just having a little trouble finding my motivation. What's your take on what we're supposed to do in life? What's so unique about people that they seem to think you can find all these fun things to do and reasons to get up in the morning? I'm really curious. What's the typical lifestyle of a depressed person supposed to be like, anyway?

jenniepepsi · May 1, 2009, 09:00 PM

It sounds to me that 1) your not on the right combination of medications and 2) you need to talk to a counsellor to find the root of your depression.

Believe me I have been in the same, repetitive sink hole you find yourself in now. With the right medication and the right person to talk to you will be amazed at what a difference it can make.

Maybe you can get a journal and write down every day how you are feeling. Maybe you can find a pattern.

*hugs* good luck hon. And know there is always someone who cares about you (I happen to be one of them!! :D )

kiragira · May 1, 2009, 09:04 PM

Thanks a ton, Jennie. I am seeing a therapist and have been for two years. She's wonderful and I do believe in her, but we've had a lot of baggage to clear out...

The problem with a journal is that I have... I forget the name of it... but it's a phenomenon where I cannot identify emotions and even reject some from my psyche due to experiences in childhood. My best-used quote is "I don't know..." which makes me feel very stupid, not "knowing" how my own body feels, or not "knowing" what will make it better.

It makes me feel better to get messages from nice people like you and hearing from other people who are depressed.

Still... it just makes me feel worse for people to be expecting to be happy, especially when they can't name a reason why I ought to be.

Wondergirl · May 1, 2009, 09:06 PM

Do you (or could you) have a pet such as a dog OR spend a couple of hours a week at an animal shelter? It would help you get outside yourself and think about someone else for a change. Dogs and cats give unconditional love--don't care if you're tall or short or cute or ugly or happy or depressed. They love you no matter what. Plus you'd be doing large muscle work like walking dogs or cleaning out kitty litter pans or brushing animals, and you'd be giving of yourself by socializing them so they can be adopted. Everybody wins!

kiragira · May 1, 2009, 09:11 PM

Thanks, Wondergirl. I actually joined this site to ask about dog breeds, as my mother and I (we live together, my parents are seperated) have been considering adoption. However, my bedridden state and our small backyard keeps any of the preferable breeds out of range. I'm a huge animal person, and not having a dog is dragging my mood down after doing all the "research," but I'm just afraid it won't happen. And if it does, it won't for a few months.

Wondergirl · May 1, 2009, 09:14 PM

Originally Posted by kiragira

Thanks, Wondergirl. I actually joined this site to ask about dog breeds, as my mother and I (we live together, my parents are seperated) have been considering adoption. However, my bedridden state and our small backyard keeps any of the preferable breeds out of range. I'm a huge animal person, and not having a dog is dragging my mood down after doing all the "research," but I'm just afraid it won't happen. And if it does, it won't for a few months.

Cats are nice and do best when kept indoors. I've had cats all my life, and they have always been good company and quite easy to care for. How about a cat?

jenniepepsi · May 1, 2009, 09:42 PM

Hey hon :)

Even if you can't verbalise how you feel in your journal, you can always write down what you have done that day. And write down 'i don't know how I feel' it still feels good to get things down on paper ;) and you can come back to it and read over it and see what you can make of it.

*hugs* keep me updated on how your doing k?

kiragira · May 1, 2009, 10:00 PM

I already have a family cat. He's around five years old, but he's extremely antisocial. We raised him well, but that's just his personality. I considered another kitten, but the idea just doesn't "click" like the idea of a dog does, and I'm afraid of getting another antisocial cat and feel like it was a burden for the rest of its life.

Thanks, Jennie. I already write down what I do each day in a journal for my occult studies.

Wondergirl · May 1, 2009, 10:19 PM

Originally Posted by kiragira

I already have a family cat. He's around five years old, but he's extremely antisocial. We raised him well, but that's just his personality. I considered another kitten, but the idea just doesn't "click" like the idea of a dog does, and I'm afraid of getting another antisocial cat and feel like it was a burden for the rest of its life.

Thanks, Jennie. I already write down what i do each day in a journal for my occult studies.

Hmmm, what type of dog have you been leaning toward?

kiragira · May 1, 2009, 10:30 PM

A Blue Heeler, White Shepherd (variant of the German Shepherd), Border Collie, or Canaan Dog. Though, lately, I'm also considering a Pharaoh Hound.

Wondergirl · May 1, 2009, 10:33 PM

Is there someone who would take the dog for walks and do any training needed? ALL of those dogs are high-energy ones. (***ADDED -- I just checked!) Is your living situation such that you really should consider a couch potato dog?

kiragira · May 1, 2009, 10:42 PM

My life situation probably is that way, but I'm afraid I'd get bored of a couch potato dog, and no animal should have to go through that. I judge a lot from "vibes," too, and if there's a breed I don't feel like I'll fall in love with, I won't pursue it. After all, after you lose that puppylike cuteness some people just get tired of their dogs... and I have to confess, I'm guilty of doing that with another animal. I never want to go through that terror again.

jenniepepsi · May 1, 2009, 10:49 PM

Boarder collies are awesome companions!

Wondergirl · May 1, 2009, 10:50 PM

Originally Posted by kiragira

My life situation probably is that way, but I'm afraid I'd get bored of a couch potato dog, and no animal should have to go through that. I judge a lot from "vibes," too, and if there's a breed I don't feel like I'll fall in love with, I won't pursue it. After all, after you lose that puppylike cuteness some people just get tired of their dogs... and I have to confess, I'm guilty of doing that with another animal. I never want to go through that terror again.

I saw your other post about high-energy dogs and choosing one. What about a greyhound? When you're in college and you have the dog with you there, he might be spending a lot of alone time (depending on dorm or apartment mates). And why do you have to get a "breed"? Wouldn't it make more sense (in light of your being so in touch with your emotions) to connect with a dog at a shelter?

kiragira · May 1, 2009, 11:01 PM

A greyhound is a no-no due to the size of our house and backyard, and the fact that I'm a teeny little 80-pound thing--it'd trample me! Plus, my mum is really worried about the size thing. She doesn't even want a German Shepherd-sized dog, let alone a giant-sized one.

You're right, "breed" is just a generalization on my part. If I sense a connection with a pup, I will likely adopt it. I don't even plan on figuring out the pup's gender until I've decided (traditionally they're separated, but you get the picture). Still, since some breeds are so different... I mean, if I chose pup-by-pup and ended up with a Blue Heeler in this physical condition, our house would likely fall down in the ensuing chaos! So the breeds are just guidelines, in reality. I'm trying to figure out where my limits are (regarding the high-energy dog post).

Since it's the sort of thing you can't "go halfway" with, I'm trying hard to stay informed. I don't want a dog in the house that's notoriously hard to train, or a people-biter, or an escape artist, so while I'm not trying to make my decision by label, that's where I have to start.

Wondergirl · May 1, 2009, 11:06 PM

The blessings of a shelter include knowing the history of a dog and how it has been trained. You could end up with a nice-sized dog who already knows basic commands and who has a good temperament. (Notice I say "who" since dogs and cats, to me, are more than just furry bodies.) I read the AKC info on the dogs you mentioned, and cannot imagine a calm and peaceful life with one of them.

I would like to own a 25-foot boa constrictor, but our house is small, as is our bathtub. And our cats will look too tasty to it. We can't always have exactly what we want, but might have to make adjustments and even scope out all the possibilities by visiting a shelter, for instance.

kiragira · May 1, 2009, 11:14 PM

Hah, I can see what you mean about the energetic dogs. I have known some people who have the breeds though, and am acquainted with many more.

I frequently volunteer at a nearby shelter, and I know the love of those dogs. Hildie and Tillie--the two German Shepherd-Beagle mixes... they're dolls. Total dolls. A walk and they're teddy bears. I really wanted a pup at first. The feeling of raising a creature from birth... it was the nurturing feeling I thought I needed, but I also would like to save a dog who once knew pain. My mum wants not to deal with a pup, but... I'm confident I can make the right decision based on which dog I connect with.

I understand your connection with animals; I often visit the shelter and just listen to the cats, take all of their baggage. You'd be surprised how much those animals appreciate a good listen... Hildie, who I really connected with (but would never adopt--I don't feel it's what she wants), was a rowdy little walker until I sat down with her and looked her in the eyes to hear what she wanted to tell me. Animals are such great fuzzy little people. She walks for me now like the greatest little dear.

Wondergirl · May 1, 2009, 11:22 PM

Well, all our cats chose us in various ways (three rescued and one from a friend's cat's litter), so I would guess it works that way with dogs too, that they choose their humans somehow. I hope you get chosen well.

cozyk · May 2, 2009, 06:02 AM

[QUOTE]

The good part is that you were diagnosed very early in life. I was 40 years old when I was diagnosed. I just thought I was a "downer" all those previous years. Little did I know I had a chemical imbalance. It may take a while to get the right medication but don't ever throw in the towel. I've been on zoloft for the last 11 years and it has changed my life.

I wake up. I eat breakfast. I play video games until sunset. I watch late-night television. I go to sleep. Lather, rinse, repeat.

One of the things you have going for you is a great sense of humor. I laughed out loud when I read "lather, rinse, repeat" I truly believe laughter is therapeutic. Get with your friends and share your humor.

I'm schooled online, but I'm very debilitated right now and am essentially out of school. People tell me to go out and do something--why? Go out and do what? "Something fun," they say. I tell them I'd pay them sixty dollars to think of "something fun."

You can't think of anything fun to do because your world is colored by your depression.
It is a vicious cycle. "I'm depressed because nothing matters to me. Nothing matters to me because I'm depressed." This is why it is so important to continue with your therapy AND trying different anti-depressants.

I don't know what the point of life is. We weren't put on this planet to wake up, eat, sleep, poop, and play video games. For two years I've been trying to find something better. I've failed.

I don't really know why we were put on this planet. But the fact is... we are here. Now we have a choice what we are going to do with our time here. Be miserable or be happy. It is easier for some people to be happy for various reasons. Some of us have to work at it a little harder. But it is well worth the hard work.

Sure, I'll take your meds and go to your therapy sessions and do a little homework and jump through your flaming hoop.

But it won't make me happy.

I have kept a journal since 1998. I use the term journal loosly because it has grown to be more that just a blog. I snip out articles I find up lifting and paste them in. Sometimes I don't pick it uo for a couple of weeks, and I just sort of catch up. I "doodle" with little drawings. It's just my place for my thoughts. At times when I just fill like you do, I will assign my feelings a number. 1-5. One is feeling low, five is feeling fantastic. That way, I can follow the pattern, see how long it last, etc. to be able tell my doctor.

MsCanFix · May 2, 2009, 06:40 AM

Awwwwww ***big hugs for you*** You will find the avenue that will lead you out of feeling the way you do, I believe in you and you will too. I just love animals to help with the transport of those blah feelings. Wondergirl has hit the ideas right on for you. I understand what you mean about the puppy getting out of that pup stage, there are so many breeds that stay super cute even as adults, Pomeranians, Keeshonds (had one for so many years, ohhhh they are just dolls, total cutie pies and very owner loyal) Follow your heart, you will feel the dog that is right for you. Focus on one that instinctively will be owner loyal maybe not a breed that is so independent, that way your companion will be giving you all the warm and fuzzies that makes us feel loved and respected unconditionally. Some of the independent breeds tend to be high strung and look for their breeding capabilities to excite them where as if you get the owner loyal type breeds they will look to you for their excitement and in turn there is nothing like that "being needed feeling." Don't get me wrong, most dogs will give you that loyalty, proper training and attention being key but some just tend to be gushy kind of dogs, and they will not be just couch potato kind of dogs. You can get one that is mid size, boy, some of the itty bitty dogs have more energy than my big ones:eek: As you start looking into the different breeds, which sounds like you are doing you will find through the literature which ones tend to look to their owner for the pleasing and contentment where as some breeds look to herd or retrieve for their pleasing instinctively. Good luck hun, keep us posted!