[azg5009]

Please help me! I am desperate to understand what is going on with my boyfriend of three years, two months before I am moving to LA to be with him and start my life and career after college!

I have been in a three year relationship with someone who is not medically diagnosed with bipolar although the evidence is obvious he carries the symptoms. I have heard his mother say he does have it. I believe he is going through a depressive episode, as he broke up with me Monday stating that "he was not good enough for me, and "did not want a relationship." This came out of nowhere, as literally four hours before this was brought up, we discussed moving into an apartment with another couple.
The background information on our relationship is that we have been long distance me in PA and him in CA, except living together in the summers. As I am finally moving to LA in two months after graduation, with a Penn State degree, money, and job. He is a musician with no money, no apartment, no support from his mother of his music career. I was the only support system besides friends. Although i have tried so many times to explain to him I will support him, no matter what he can give me, he does not . He seems to be pushing me away. I know he wants to focus on the success of his music, but he does not think he can do both. He also has struggles with addictions to alcohol and marijuana and recently became sober off of both a week before this. We are both very co-dependent so this has been extremely difficult! I need to know what to do to have him back. I do NOT believe this is what he truely wants. I feel like he has talked and forced himself into this, by the actions he has shown. He doesn't want to talk about it, and has called like usual the next day and I am giving him space, and not calling him at all. Although he did reach out to met Tuesday night and said he "was sad," but didn't want to talk when I told him I was thinking about the things I have done wrong, and how I will support him no matter what. He has done this twice in the past and came back to me.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO! I have not put three years into this relationship to get to the best part and never have a chance. We have to try this we both put so much effort into this, but at this point we have made it so far, and we don't try it. We didn't do this for nothing, I know there is something, this is what we have been waiting for!

Please let me know what I should do TO GET HIM BACK and TRY IT when I move:( I am trying to give him space because in the past he has asked that of me, but I still have all these questions. I booked a plane ticket to go out there APril 4th, because I know he loves me and is scared

-Anne
If anyone can share thoughts and help me please write or even contact me on AIM REMOVED FOR PRIVACY

:( :confused: :( :confused:

[rachel101]

Hey Girl,
I read your post and it made me sad. I'm divorced twice, both husbands were diagnosed bipolar after we were married. So now I deal with the question, "Why do I pick crazy men". Anyway you are a lot younger than me and maybe you have the energy or compassion to deal with it but I didn't. Neither of my husbands would take the medication so the longer we were together the more crazy they became so I ended each marriage just as it started to get violent (ie: pushing). I am old enough to know that once a line is crossed it becomes regular behavior and soon the next line is crossed so if things begin to get physical I'm gone because I break easily. I tried sooo hard to find reason and sanity in their actions and there just wasn't any. If you don't know how bad untreated bipolar can be... well my ex couldn't distinguish between things we actually did and things he dreamt we did, then he saw a movie about a killer and thought it was a story about me, etc and it went on and on. It can get scary.

I understand you love this guy but I think you are really setting yourself up to be used. I know the story... "I have money and you don't but who cares because there's enough for both of us...." It's such a bad foundation for a relationship because you are saying that you're needs and an equitable foundation doesn't matter. You are selling yourself so cheap and I don't think it will work out in the end. You are showing him and telling him that you don't think much of yourself because you don't ask him to meet a certain criteria to win you. You tell him he's good enough all broken and crazy and you are going to take care of the finances. He won't respect you or feel you are valuable because you don't see yourself as a valuable prize.

Then there's the other side of it. Maybe with his illness which he probably knows he has and doesn't want to face, the career that hasn't taken off and being broke maybe you being together actually makes him feel worse. Not because of lack of love but because there's expectations he may not be up to facing and the fact that you are doing well and he isn't sort of puts it in his face.

I know you are crazy for this guy and I know you think you will shower him with love and relieve him of certain responsibilities and he will get better and blossom and there's a happy family being built here but based on my experience you are setting yourself up to be treated as the mommy not his woman and there's a good chance he will only resent you for doing this.

My suggestion based on my experience is to put the brakes on. Tell him that you want him to be evaluated by a psychiatrist and if they recommend medication you want him to take it. Tell him that as soon as he gets his feet under him and acquires some kind of income to pay half the bills you would love to live with him etc... I know you won't do this and I think you will just go forward in your plans and learn the hard way... at least if you're as much like me as you sound.

And about him coming back to you... don't worry he will because that's the thing about people with bipolar disorder who don't take medication... they change their minds and deep seated ideas about every other day or so. So whatever he says today he may say something totally different tomorrow. But personally if he's a REALLY good guy he won't contact you and he will break up with you because he knows what goes on in his head and maybe he loves you so much he doesn't want to subject you to it.

So there's lots of ways to look at it but I don't think just because you've invested 3 years that you should continue to invest. Better only 3 than 10. Better to know now than after you have a couple of kids. And BTW have you considered the hereditary factors in mental disorders? Just something to think about if you plan to have children with this man.

These are just my opinions based on my experience and many errors.

[Marriedguy]

Dear, Anne

Your situation is very complex and I will try to advise you the best I can. There is a lot going on in this post.

I'm going to jump around your letter to get to the meat and potatoes of your situation.

The first thing I want to tell you is that you need to hold off on this move for now. The situation is volatile and moving will only add stress to a situation that is all too stressful. Yes, I know you want run to him, don't! I know you brought a ticket but it's a monetary lost. Trust me, the hurt that you will experience if you tried to run over my words cannot describe. You need to show patience and balance.

Second, two weeks before this break-up he stop drinking alcohol and smoking weed. No one gets over an addiction in two weeks. If he is addicted to these drugs then he is going through withdrawal. This is could be a factor in his behavior. His addiction also brings up other questions. Did he make the decision on his own to stop using these drugs or was it something you wanted of him?

Third, from what I understand about Bipolar disorder is that person has extreme mood swings, one day they love life and the other they are extremely depressed. With that being said I don't think you should assume that this break-up is due to a Bipolar disorder has you said it yourself he has not been medically diagnosed. Now, I'm not saying that he doesn't have the disorder.

You have a long distance relationship now changing into a live in relationship. I don't know if your boyfriend is ready for the commitment and this where the comment I don't want to be in a relationship comes from. And the statement I don't deserve, is just another way of saying it's not you it's me. Then you go on to state that he said that he wanted some space. Translation - I don't want to spent time with all the time.

Let me end this by saying from your post its sounds like you are young woman, who is intelligent, loving and caring. If he wants to be with you he has to get right with his self. If he has bipolar he has to make the decision to get help and ultimately become a better person. And until he does that I wouldn't try to get back with him.

[azg5009]

Thank you for your help on this. A couple things is that he does have a job but not enough money to pay for a full blown apartment and rehearsal studio in which he rents. But he is willing to do what he can. Now I know was medicated for ADHD in the past, and I only heard his mom say that once when she was drinking and saying that he should stay away from pot because of bipolar. But I have never experienced the insane manic that I have read about. So he may only have a mild case. I think he is punishing himself because he thinks he will fail me, because I have so much going for me
I am moving to LA no doubt in my mind, since I have a job in the music industry with a successful company. I explained to him I will be busy with my own things and he can do his music whenever. I am there to support him no matter what. I feel like I need to try this because if we don't I will always wonder what if?? I will never be able to date anyone else because it will be in the back of my mind. I invested and dedicated so much of me in this relationship. So Should I just give him time? I have so many things I still want to say and I am still so angry.

[rachel101]

I agree with marriedguy that two weeks off alcohol and pot is likely making him a bit "cranky". Hopefully what you said is right and he's not terribly mentally ill. Have to say though my first husband quite alcohol and herb 2 weeks before he asked me out and I thought it was a great sign. (He resumed these habits 8 months into the marriage). If you give him time and space (I also agree w/marriedguy on the actual translations with what he's told you) and he comes to you and says, "I have to see a Doctor and get help so I can have a great life w/you" that would be maybe the best scenario. Give him space and see what he does. I think what he does w/that space will be a great indication of the path he truly wants to take or has the strength to take at this time. Remember most of us are doing the best we can on a daily basis. The only question is whether you are willing to live with his "best". It may get better, it may get worse but with all the medications available I think the outcome is up to him. If you have to push him to make the right choices they probably aren't choices that will last. I hope it works for you two.

[azg5009]

You are exactly right. I wish I knew what was going on in his mind. By the way he broken up with me before during our relationship, and always came back to me, but it is up in the air if the same thing will happen again.

I think he thinks by breaking up he saving me from him not being there for me, and him being guilty about it. Although like I said he does not take into account that I will be making my own career which is important to me. I knew this was the life of a musician going into this relationship.
I have nagged him about drinking and smoking at appropriate hours for so long, he's been sober in the past, but its been temporary. Most of our unhappiness in the relationship came from me nagging about his drinking and smoking at appropriate times. I don't think he really knows what it is like to be alone. I have always ben there for him, and he is always surrounded by his friends. It seems he needs a reality check, as he is co-dependent.

[talaniman]

AZG, since you don't want to take the advice of those that have been there, maybe you should educate yourself, about his problem, to at least know what you will be facing. There are many good resources, and people that can at least give you insights, into whether you are helping him or not. That may be the main issue to consider, as trying to include him in your life, may be more harmful for him, in the long run. Sometimes we cannot help the one we love, no matter how hard we try. Just a point to consider.

[azg5009]

I have been dating my boyfriend for about four years. We have had long distance and broke up on and off for those four years. He is somewhat bipolar and a recovering alcoholic and Im not sure if this matter in these situations but when we fight he says such mean things to me and takes it way too far. When I get upset about it he doesn't really care. He gets mad for instance when "I don't let him do things" he wants to do, an example I can think of is when he wanted to go hang out with our friends at a bar but I had a Math test I was trying to finish quickly. He called me annoying and other rude things. I feel like he doesn't respect me. Is there anyway I can reverse this and work to build our respect level and if there is a fight have it be constructive to our relationship rather than destructive.

Thanks

[braindamage]

Well, lets not forget that he's a recovering drunk
His mood swing or his anger is going to be really high at some situations
And that's just the alchohal talking not him and he really needs you right now but if a relationship isn't working and making you feel less about yourself then dump him but you can still be there for him as a friend. You shouldn't put yourself in that kind of relationship .when he's going to have these kind of reaction to things.

Think aboot it. And more importantly yourself

[talaniman]

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...hs-196811.html

As much as you love this guy, why are you putting up with his bad behavior? You are really not equipped with the tools, or knowledge, to handle this guy.

As I have already said, without education, and some good guidance, he will never do as you want him to, and that's going to derail all your best efforts, to be a good partner to him.

He is just not ready for a healthy, adult relationship, until he deals with his own issues. No telling how long that will be. Sorry dear, your way over your head with him.

[azg5009]

What kind of tools does someone need to handle this sort of person?

How will he be able to deal will these issues? Where can he get guidance?

[taoplr]

If you are determined to stay in this relationship, and equally determined to have him treat you with respect, you have to set some boundaries. Both his alcoholic nature and his bipolar condition make him have difficulty knowing where common-sense boundaries are (e.g. how you talk to your girlfriend) and respecting those boundaries.

If you can be strong enough to tell him no, it's not OK, and stick to it, even if he gets mad or breaks up with you, and hold fast to your position without fighting about it (that means don't back down, but don't counter-attack either) he might get it. Otherwise, he has no reason to control himself.

He's got some bully in him. He needs to be told where the line is in a way that he can respect, and doesn't insult or threaten him. Tell him to not talk to you like that and tell him in a calm, non-angry voice. Don't break down, and don't get into a fight. Just draw a line and gently, firmly insist.

Once he starts arguing, listen to him, look at him, pay attention to his words, and demonstrate that you have heard him by addressing his issues: freedom, control, etc. Use the same words he uses to describe his position. Don't interpret and change his story. Just show him that you got it.

Let him have his complaints and his freedom. You get one thing: respect.

[Wendyrite12]

Read some alanon literature or check out a few meetings. You'll be with people going through similar situations and will be taught how to deal with this sort of thing.

[Gemini54]

So, let me get this right...

1. he is a recovering alcoholic
2. he is 'somewhat' bipolar
3. you've been on-off for the past 4 years
4. he doesn't care that he says mean things to you
5. he gets angry when you won't do the things he wants to do (e.g. hang out in a bar).

And...

You would like him to respect you.

Sheesh, firstly he doesn't respect himself, so how can he respect you?

I'm not trying to be rude, but he sounds like a loser. All the 'tools' and 'guidance' in the world won't help if he doesn't want to help himself. You can't do this for him. He needs to do it himself.

There is no magic wand in situations like this, but trying to change the other person is a recipe for disaster.

Why don't you get some counselling for yourself? Try and understand why you stay in a relationship with this dysfunctional person, and what you get from it. Perhaps then you'll be in a better position to decide whether you want to stay.

Work on your own self respect first and who knows, the dynamic between you might change.