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Depressed in MO · Apr 17, 2009, 11:03 AM

Hello everyone. I'm having an issue here that I cannot come to terms with and I need some opinions please (and thank you).

I have an ex-scratch that- I have children with an ex who I was together with for the past 10 years (which ended 2 years ago for good). I have always been a very good woman to him and did everything that a good woman is expected to do in a relationship. He continuously cheated on me, there would be times when he would literally kick my *ss because he was high or drunk. Needless to say, it was a horrible thing for the kids and I to be going through. So one day, I packed up as much as I could, left the beautiful home that we lived in, and never looked back (I took the kids with me of course).

Now a couple of years later to the present date, I have finally found someone who I truly love and who truly loves me. He treats me the way every woman should be treated. He treats my children the way a father should treat their children. Everything is great-almost perfect. Lately, I keep thinking of my ex. He still to this day wants to get back together with me and blah blah blah. I'm not in love with my ex-but I keep thinking about all these horrible things he did to me and it makes me cry-alot. I don't miss him and I would never ever in a million years go back to him (and trust me, I know that I could). He is having a baby any day now with another woman yet he still tries to pursue (sp?) me. And all the while I'm just thinking-oh my god he is doing the same thing to her as he did to me all those years. He's just a pig. But I keep thinking about him, and all the bad things he did to me and I just cry. OK-the problem? I feel horrible. Here I am, with the greatest man on earth-and I"m wasting precious time thinking about horrible things. Why is this happening to me and how can I get my brain back on track? Its not like I"m sitting here missing this huge monster-I just keep thinking about all the bad times and its making me sick. But no matter how much I realize that-I still feel like I'm doing something wrong-like I'm doing something bad to the one I really love. This is petty, I know-compared to all the really bad things that are going out in the world today-but it's my emotional health that is causing me to break down and I don't know how to stop remembering these things-which is preventing me from moving forward in my life. Suggestions please-and again-thank you.

nitelight198073 · Apr 17, 2009, 11:09 AM

It is hard to let go of the past especially one like yours, maybe you need to seek counseling to help and tell your man how you feel he may be able to help also.

talaniman · Apr 17, 2009, 08:38 PM

Be patient with yourself, as no matter how bad a relationship was, no way do you erase THAT much history away. Kids too? He will aways be in your thoughts but eventually, living your life and a lot of new memories will put him in the past and you'll handle those feelings better.

wanabeaccepted · Apr 17, 2009, 09:20 PM

I am very young to be answering something like this because I have a major lack of experience but I am sometimes good with words, so just hear me out. But from what I actually have learned from experience is that to get one thing out of your head you need to replace it with something else... like that perfect person you talked about that you love right now... look at him in more ways than you usually do focus on the things that make him so perfect compaired to you x... and then if you are worried about the other woman that he is having a kid with... then if she figures out that he is mistreating her or cheating or w/e it might be, hopefully she is smart and gets out just like you did... dont worry about anything just focus on your life what is going on with you better guy and your kids
~Hope this helped even just a little~

nicolerocks711 · Apr 17, 2009, 09:35 PM

Personally to me, if you are spending so much time thinking about him, even if it's just the bad things, you are not over him as much as you say you are. This new guy is perfect, and if he was you wouldn't give a rat's as.s over what your ex did. If you are, stop talking to your ex, focus on your new relationship and try to be as happy as you can be.

taoplr · Apr 17, 2009, 10:42 PM

You say you feel both good and bad. Well, that's the mix of feelings you had when you were with your ex. You gave him love and made two babies with him. That's very good. But he beat you, cheated on you, and made you so miserable that you packed and left with your kids. That was very bad. Don't confuse your former devotion to him as love.

Consider the possibility that a part of you will think about this guy until you come to resolution about the experience you had with him. That's what therapy is for. You can talk it out with a professional, and let go of this brutal man.

Survivor07 · Apr 18, 2009, 06:09 AM

Dear Depressed,

Hello. I have been through a similar situation. I was married 12 years, one child. I'm divorced now and much happier and in a pleasant relationship with a man who loves me.

BUT, I do, too, still have those thoughts like you are. Sometimes my mind wanders and I remember the bad things, too.

I did go to a counselor and she told me I was "detached" meaning I am "over him". But the thoughts that you're describing that I was having/am having are something along the lines of mild post traumatic stress.

You sound like you have moved on as I have, but like Tal said, it's a lot to ask of yourself to just forget the past.

I think it's natural to wonder what the ex is doing now and how he is in his new relationships, etc. but it doesn't matter. It doesn't affect you. I was/am the same way. It just doesn't pop into my mind nearly as often as it used to.

Just remember it's the past. It's not your fault things turned out the way they did. Be proud of yourself for leaving a bad situation and saving your kids from growing up in it.

The best I can tell you is that the more time that goes by, and as Tal said, the more new happy memories you make, the better you will be able to put the past behind you, in that it won't affect your moods so much. It is what it is. You can't change it. You just keep going, one step at a time, toward your new future.

snow124 · Apr 18, 2009, 06:50 AM

Having been through counseling for depression (not caused by anything like your situation, admittedly) I would really recommend it. It's no immediate solution, but it can really get you thinking straight and organizing your thoughts.

Depressed in MO · Apr 20, 2009, 10:53 AM

Originally Posted by nicolerocks711

Personally to me, if you are spending so much time thinking about him, even if it's just the bad things, you are not over him as much as you say you are. This new guy is perfect, and if he was you wouldn't give a rat's as.s over what your ex did. If you are, stop talking to your ex, focus on your new relationship and try to be as happy as you can be.

In a way, you are right-I'm not over the bad things he did to me. And that's it. But until you are in a similar situation, you have no idea what I'm talking about-really. You don't just forget about those horrible things that you've been through-I don't care who you are personally. If I could stop talking to my ex-I would-I don't talk to him hardly at all as it is. We have children together-therefore, he will always be a part of my life. Not my heart.

Depressed in MO · Apr 20, 2009, 10:57 AM

Originally Posted by Survivor07

Dear Depressed,

Hello. I have been through a similar situation. I was married 12 years, one child. I'm divorced now and much happier and in a pleasant relationship with a man who loves me.

BUT, I do, too, still have those thoughts like you are. Sometimes my mind wanders and I remember the bad things, too.

I did go to a counselor and she told me I was "detached" meaning I am "over him". But the thoughts that you're describing that I was having/am having are something along the lines of mild post traumatic stress.

You sound like you have moved on as I have, but like Tal said, it's a lot to ask of yourself to just forget the past.

I think it's natural to wonder what the ex is doing now and how he is in his new relationships, etc., but it doesn't matter. It doesn't affect you. I was/am the same way. It just doesn't pop into my mind nearly as often as it used to.

Just remember it's the past. It's not your fault things turned out the way they did. Be proud of yourself for leaving a bad situation and saving your kids from growing up in it.

The best I can tell you is that the more time that goes by, and as Tal said, the more new happy memories you make, the better you will be able to put the past behind you, in that it won't affect your moods so much. It is what it is. You can't change it. You just keep going, one step at a time, toward your new future.

Yes, that's what I was thinking-that I was having some kind of afterstress-even though it has been a couple of years. Every day is getting better for me-and I continue to be more happy than ever. It's just that when I have these moments-it ticks me off because I only want to be in my happy times right now. Like I said, I don't cry because I miss him, or because I haven't let him go-I can be with him right now if I want to-I don't want to. And I haven't wanted to for a long time.

Justwantfair · Apr 20, 2009, 11:06 AM

I was in a similar situation and sometimes I feel like to think back, you are crying because of the shame of staying too long, wanting to make it work, pity for your children going through that as well.

What you have went through is difficult, but it will always now be your reminder that you didn't and don't deserve to be treated in that regard.

Make peace and forgive yourself for the trama. It was never your fault that you didn't get out soon enough, you got out alive and that is something that some people never managed to do.

Good luck to you.

artlady · Apr 20, 2009, 11:06 AM

Your feelings are never petty and they deserve to be validated.By yourself as well.

He is still trying to pull you in and he is about to have a baby.That is emotional for you because your children will now have a new brother or sister.

To not have some feeling about this would be odd.

Perhaps now that you are truly free of this man ,you are allowing yourself to feel the pain you would not have been able to feel before.

It may all be part of the healing process.

Someone mentioned post traumatic stress disorder and that seems like a very real possibility to me as well.

I'm not a doctor but I am an abuse survivor.

I remember when I fell in love with my current BF of 11 yr.I got sad,I found out what it was like to be treated like a human with value and I didn't know how to accept it at first.

If you do not feel better soon,I think some talk therapy might be a good idea.

Depressed in MO · Apr 20, 2009, 12:55 PM

Originally Posted by artlady

Your feelings are never petty and they deserve to be validated.By yourself as well.

He is still trying to pull you in and he is about to have a baby.That is emotional for you because your children will now have a new brother or sister.

To not have some feeling about this would be odd.

Perhaps now that you are truly free of this man ,you are allowing yourself to feel the pain you would not have been able to feel before.

It may all be part of the healing process.

Someone mentioned post traumatic stress disorder and that seems like a very real possibility to me as well.

I'm not a doctor but I am an abuse survivor.

I remember when I fell in love with my current BF of 11 yr.I got sad,I found out what it was like to be treated like a human with value and I didn't know how to accept it at first.

If you do not feel better soon,I think some talk therapy might be a good idea.

Yes, he called me this morning as he and his girlfriend just checked in to the hospital for her to be induced to have their child. All he said was he was thinking about me and that he couldn't stop. I felt like I was in a bad situation-almost as if I were being molested or something. I know that sounds horrible. But it gave met his awful feeling. He is trying to keep me in his life because he always has been able to, and as much as I tell him and show him that I've moved on, he just keeps at it and doesn't stop-he tries so hard to get into my head. Ugh... it just made me wonder-was he doing that to me when I was laying up in the hospital bed in excrutiating pain and labor? Probably... he intimidates me and as strong as I have been-it makes me feel weak to have these scared, sad feelings. He should have never done what he did-and even though I've had enough-seeing and hearing him talk about doing the same thing to this poor girl he is with-it's almost like I'm going through it all over again. He needs to find someone else to confide in like that because I'm not the one and he steadily thinks that I am. It's so hard to describe and I know I'm jumping around here. Thank you all for speaking with me though-I was seriously starting to think there was something wrong with ME.

artlady · Apr 20, 2009, 01:11 PM

Originally Posted by Depressed in MO

Yes, as a matter of fact he called me this morning as he and his girlfriend just checked in to the hospital for her to be induced to have their child. All he said was he was thinking about me and that he couldn't stop. I felt like I was in a bad situation-almost as if I were being molested or something. I know that sounds horrible. but it gave met his awful feeling. He is trying to keep me in his life because he always has been able to, and as much as I tell him and show him that I've moved on, he just keeps at it and doesn't stop-he tries so hard to get into my head. Ugh...it just made me wonder-was he doing that to me when I was laying up in the hospital bed in excrutiating pain and labor? Probably...he intimidates me and as strong as I have been-it makes me feel weak to have these scared, sad feelings. He should have never done what he did-and even though I've had enough-seeing and hearing him talk about doing the same thing to this poor girl he is with-it's almost like I'm going through it all over again. He needs to find someone else to confide in like that because I'm not the one and he steadily thinks that I am. It's so hard to describe and I know I'm jumping around here. Thank you all for speaking with me though-I was seriously starting to think there was something wrong with ME.

Clearly,you are answering some need in him.He is still controlling you but in a different way

He sounds like a real loser to call you up when his girlfriend is about to give him a child! Wow! That is some cujones,Ill tell you.

He is simply trying to control you,it is what abusers excel at

They have this sense of ownership and entitlement that won't allow them to let their victims be free

Keep working on understanding his motivations and for your own mental health,tell him communication between the two of you is to be restricted to the children only!

Justwantfair · Apr 20, 2009, 01:15 PM

My ex still to this day does the same things, he is remarried and they have a daughter together. Yet he uses our daughter and the court system to continue the abuse and control.

Keep moving forward, he probably won't walk away from trying to manipulate you. But it can help you to move out from under his thumb.

Tell him that if needs to contact you, to use email. It is working better with my relationship with the ex.

Depressed in MO · Apr 20, 2009, 02:20 PM

I've done everything that I am supposed to do when dealing with people like this. I try to keep some peace as I am totally intimidated by the guy. I want him to move on and be happy with someone else, I want that so bad-it scares me that he won't let go. Then some time will go by and I'll think "great-he's moved on he's not bothering me anymore"-then he'll do something crazy like call me up all pissed off because I'm with someone else even though he's "changed" and he'll even show up at my door. One time, he looked through my windows at my house. It was creepy. And I got mad, called the cops... Then he calls me the next day balling about how much he loves me and he's changed. He does totally try to control me-by guilt and I should not feel one bit of sadness. It's almost as if I'm feeling what HE should be feeling-sorry-for what HE did. It's sick I just want him to move on.

Justwantfair · Apr 20, 2009, 02:21 PM

What is your divorce court order like? Custody?

You can have the court mandate that all communication be in writing only with the exception of emergencies.

I understand how you feel. Abuse has lifelong affects and it doesn't help when you can't remove the abuser from your life.

Let us know how we might be able to help.

Justwantfair · Apr 20, 2009, 02:23 PM

Originally Posted by Depressed in MO

I've done everything that I am supposed to do when dealing with people like this. I try to keep some peace as I am totally intimidated by the guy. I want him to move on and be happy with someone else, I want that so bad-it scares me that he won't let go. Then some time will go by and I'll think "great-he's moved on he's not bothering me anymore"-then he'll do something crazy like call me up all pissed off because I'm with someone else even though he's "changed" and he'll even show up at my door. One time, he looked through my windows at my house. it was creepy. And I got mad, called the cops...Then he calls me the next day balling about how much he loves me and he's changed. He does totally try to control me-by guilt and I should not feel one bit of sadness. It's almost as if I'm feeling what HE should be feeling-sorry-for what HE did. It's sick I just want him to move on.

You need to start documenting things. I would be first in line to file a restraining order/order of protection. He is not moving on and he probably won't. You can only work to protect you.

It is especially hard on new relationships.

I remember my ex followed me all the way to work after we were at the courthouse, then called me up and threatened me because one of my back brake lights was out and if I didn't have it fixed he wouldn't let my daughter come home because I was endangering her. I think you really need the court behind you to help you keep him out of your life.

artlady · Apr 20, 2009, 02:33 PM

Originally Posted by Depressed in MO

I've done everything that I am supposed to do when dealing with people like this. I try to keep some peace as I am totally intimidated by the guy. I want him to move on and be happy with someone else, I want that so bad-it scares me that he won't let go. Then some time will go by and I'll think "great-he's moved on he's not bothering me anymore"-then he'll do something crazy like call me up all pissed off because I'm with someone else even though he's "changed" and he'll even show up at my door. One time, he looked through my windows at my house. it was creepy. And I got mad, called the cops...Then he calls me the next day balling about how much he loves me and he's changed. He does totally try to control me-by guilt and I should not feel one bit of sadness. It's almost as if I'm feeling what HE should be feeling-sorry-for what HE did. It's sick I just want him to move on.

If I didn't feel sorry for the GF already,I would say tell her what he is doing but I think this girl has enough on her plate right now.
I see red flags here,like his behavior is about to escalate.The further you get from him,the more he is going to try to reign you back in.
I agree with Justwantfair ,start documenting his texts ,etc.It is harassment at this stage,but it is still worthy of an order.

Survivor07 · Apr 20, 2009, 02:44 PM

I agree with the above statements about a restraining order.

If you have told him to keep contact strictly about the children, and he has not honored that request, that's harassment.

I'm also curious as to your custody order, or if you have one.

Because he has abused you in the past and is not leaving you alone at your request, you should be granted a restraining order

I understand it is so hard dealing with this. My ex knows me so well. He knows what buttons to push, how to manipulate. That is improving though because I do have extreme minimal contact. He is not allowed to see my child unless under court-ordered supervision which he stopped doing 18 months ago.

However, he will call me sometimes out of the blue. I do not answer anymore. It's never to ask about the well being of our child anyway.

By the way, he has his girlfriend, who is half his age, pregnant. So, I know how awful it is to imagine your innocent children and now this new, innocent child being subjected to this kind of... situation. I don't know what else to call it.

It's all completely normal what you're feeling about the past. I understand you don't want him back and that you're happier now. It doesn't stop the memories and the questions of why.

Just last night I had a dream, which I haven't in a while, about my ex and the past crap. I can't tell you if it goes away. I think it just fades and like I said, it doesn't affect your moods so much.

Hang in there. We're here for you