[mamma26]

My husband and I have been foster parents for 10 years and have adopted 5 children the oldest being 21 now and the youngest is 7 with 1 bio son and one surprise on the way. We adopted 2 special needs children almost two years ago we are having some very scarey behaviors from the seven year old who was just recently released from the hospital 2 days ago. We are believers that each one of these children were brought to us for a reason but we are starting to fear for our other children and the unborn child as well. We wanted to know what our options are as far as termination of the adoption and what the consequences to our other children would be. We have heard that if we overturn the adoption we would loose our other children. I am at my wits end and really need some advice.

[stevetcg]

You can no more undo an adoption than you can a live birth.

And shame on you. You wanted to be parents... so be parents. This is your child... not a puppy you can take back to the pound when things turn a little rough.

If your "surprise" were to have these issues what would you do? Because if its anything different than you want to do with your adopted child, you never should have been allowed to adopt in the first place.

[Synnen]

Shame on you!

Really, just for shame!

This is a CHILD you are talking about, not a "problem". If you couldn't handle this child, then you most certainly should not have adopted--especially since you were a foster parent first!

You chose to be a parent to this child, so step up, and face your responsibilities. You PLANNED the adoption--you DID NOT plan your pregnancy. Why does the unplanned take precedence over the planned, hmmm?

That being said--you can certainly talk to your county about resources that can help you to deal with your 7 year old. Your child--your chosen, adopted child--needs you. You need to make sure he/she knows you love him/her no matter what. Talk to your local social services department. You may be able to get some help with respite care and counseling.

[mamma26]

I guess I have chosen the wrong site. I was just having a bad day and looking for some support from maybe someone has been in this position. Those of you who judge a person before you know someone should be shamed. Maybe if you would show some compassioin before you start throwing your rocks. That's what I was wanting someone who would listen and not be judgemental. You can think what you want of me and my family I could careless what you think of me I know in my heart I would never give up a child. I know that all I can do is my best and if those standards don't measure up to super dad or perfect mom I know in my heart that I did my best. This is the end of me using this site I am hard enough on myself I don't need someone who has not been in my position to tell me what a horrible person I am. See you in Heven when we all will be judged. Thanks for nothing stevetcg and synnen.

[Synnen]

I'm sorry you didn't like what we had to say.

However--I have no sympathy whatsoever for you. YOU chose to adopt, and you came here and didn't ask for SUPPORT on how to deal with your child--you asked how to give that child away like a puppy that you can't housebreak.

Why SHOULD I support that?

I know a young couple who have two VERY difficult adoptees--both were foster children first, and the kids have been in and out of the hospital for behavioural problems. She never ONCE thought about giving her daughters back just because things were hard--for girls that were abused and bounced around from parent to parent before ending up with my friends---that would BREAK those girls.

I did give up a child for adoption--there are plenty of valid reasons to give up a child. Not being able to control one isn't a valid reason to me, though--nor is choosing a biological child over an adopted child.

I'm judgemental because I am terrified that my daughter gets treated as "less" because she's not biological like her brother and sister.

I never expect ANYONE to be supermom.

I do however, expect that someone who loves their child--whether adopted or biological--would come and ask questions on how to get support and help for her problems, not how to give her back.

[Resa0219]

First let me say to both of you as parents. I commend you for your thoughtful acts of kindness in the adoption of these children. Do not let any one of these posters who speak foolishly or question your choice. I adopted two special needs children who have given my life, family and community HELL! If you make the choice to return the child back into the system. There will be some hurdles,however; Please take note:By keeping this child.. you will have chosen to commit to what even a staffed hospital can not do within a shift load of personnel or round the clock care could accomplish! Children with mental illness require a great deal of care and safety from themselves, let alone the risk you and your family's safety will be at! Overtime the hopefulness alone for this child can undo your family. No one will ever give you your life back or return the other children to their ability to feel safe again! The emotional damage alone will bring on behaviors in the other children and could cause you divorce and depression.
By returning this child the worse case scenario is as a foster parent you will loose your license and become the scourge of the system because you returned for help. You will not loose your other children if their adoptions are finalized however, your foster children will be reassigned. You will have an open Children's Protection Agency case that will eventually end within one year either as neglect(placement of disturbed child outside the home) or abuse (child could state you or your husband used abusive language or physical abuse).Most likely, if the child is not pathological liar you will be cited in court for neglect( the inability to provide residence for child). Now comes another issue, later on if a family member needs you to help out with their child who may have come in the system. You will forever still wear the DSS scarlet letter of shame and will not be able to help family or friends. They (DSS and the Guardian Ad Litem system) during their investigation and court session will make you question your ability to parent and the love you have for your own children. You however must remain strong and know by keeping this disturbed child you will only set yourself up for future misery. These children need more care than our homes and lives can accommodate. If you take the martyrs approach be prepared to meet this child's lists of ongoing victims. First comes the parents who will soon be at your door, then comes the victims and you will have to look in their faces with constant apologies and restitution. Right now only you can make the choice to walk away or put all of your family, community and innocent bystanders at risk until this kid turns 18 yrs old! No one on this site will take your place and remember the ones who point the finger with the most discouraging remarks have never gotten close enough to a situation like this to make a judgment call! Learn to call on God because you are going to need him! My heart goes out to you and I understand.:) EMAIL REMOVED

[Synnen]

First, this post is over a year old. Please watch dates when responding.

Second--if you ADOPT a special needs child, you have committed to helping that child reach adulthood. Adoption is NOT the same as being a foster parent.

Third--this is a CHILD you are talking about. A person who NEEDS adult care and unconditional love. I don't care WHAT problems the child has--once you sign adoption papers, you have become the child's parent for life. If you weren't up to that task, you shouldn't have adopted.

Finally--Karma works. If you can't give to an adopted child what you would give to help a biological child, that WILL come back to you, one way or another. Would you give your special needs BIOLOGICAL child to the system? I bet you wouldn't.

Way to go--you've just perpetuated the myth that adopted children are not as "good" as biological children, and don't have the same worth to adoptive parents.

What I can't understand is how people like you are able to adopt in the first place.

[Resa0219]

Well oh great mind of our time. I did give my biological child to the system. He became more than I could handle and after raping and molesting his third victim. I laid down my role of martyr and became advocate for my family and community! I realized by being the loving mother no matter what the case, put others in jeopardy. You see I NEEDED to post this after a year so that other parents out here still have a chance to be heard. Since you are a numerical learner let me begin answering with your standards.
First- It’s never too late to answer a post, especially when any information can be helpful.
Second-Adoption is a process as with all things. As an adopted parent you have promised to commit to this child, however, in extreme circumstances all things in life can be reversed for the safety of the child and others.
Third-signing an adoption form is just like signing a birth certificate. It does not make you a parent for life if situations go beyond your control. All humans at one time in life have the right to know their limitations and act on them.
Final Assumption- At least pretend to know Eastern Philosophies. Karma is building of good works, in order to remove oneself from the selfishness of life. This mother stepped beyond her natural boundaries and was at least willing to take on the responsibility of parenting a complete stranger. Her Karma is on track. Remember I gave up my biological child to save and protect my adopted children, family and community. This child came from a sound and loving home. All of the medication, therapy and community services could not help him! No one could have ever prepared us for the trauma at the onset of his mental illness.
You have also perpetuated the myth that biological children aren't as "good" as foster or adopted children by your mere negative statements.
I agree with you, "I can't understand why people like you can adopt in the first place."