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Semillion2 · Mar 16, 2009, 11:42 AM

Hi I have been married two years and my husband is not interested in sex. We have had a lot of money worries and stress, but there have been times when we have not and nothing has changed. He has four kids and two of the teenagers live with us. He uses them as an excuse of why he can't have sex, like the kids will hear. Also, he tried to hide behind ill health and after been checked out by the doctor they found nothing wrong. He even told his mum that he cannot function and I have seen him with an erection. When it happens he goes into the bathroom until it is gone, sometimes I hear him take a shower. When I try to discuss it with him, he just says, 'Well you might as well leave, I know you are going to look for it else where, all women over 40yrs do that!'. I have aqlso suggested for us to go away for a weekend and he siad we cannot afford too.I am at my wits end. Can anyone suggest what I can do, or what would help.

Thank you Ann-maree

Xrayman · Mar 16, 2009, 02:55 PM

Okay, to me 1) he is masturbating in the shower.
2) he is making excuses that are just plain ridiculous-children require the use of exclusion devices--LOCK THE DAMN DOOR!
3) children need to be educated that adults have sex-so if the door is locked, unless they are on fire, they must not annoy or enter the room.
4) the financial situation may have started his fear of sex, or it may be due to feeling pressurred by you.
5)" all women over 40 do that!!!" WHat a gross and wrong and misguided overstatement that was!! Do you honestly want sex with him??
I would be pleasuring myselfas often as I need it to get off his back and to satisfy my urges-if I was you. I think you need to look after yourself if he is perpetually disinterested.

Cheers

Synnen · Mar 16, 2009, 03:55 PM

If you do not go to couples counseling with this man to find out what the REAL issue is, you're going to either end up leaving him or having a sexless relationship.

Up to you.

bronzebabe · Mar 16, 2009, 05:13 PM

Sounds like all his excuses are reasons Not to have sex with You...ask him why...tell him all excuses aside, you would gladly join him in the shower...it sounds as tho he EXPECTS you to cheat. why is that? did his ex cheat? there IS a problem here, but i don't think it has Anything to do with money...

wotwotoldchap · Mar 16, 2009, 07:11 PM

You have mentioned the biggie here. Money worries. Psychologically men are "providers" and a great deal of male pride is invested in this need to provide. When men feel inadequate in this respect it impacts upon their ego and can often have the effect of emasculating them. Don't jump to the conclusion that he is cheating on you or not interested in you. He is the father of your children, and this mean so much to a man. You have history together. Give him a hug. Talk to him. Make no demands on sex but make yourself lovingly available. Most of all TALK, go to a professional. Love him.

smoothy · Mar 17, 2009, 09:30 AM

Not making excuses for him but money problems on and off still mean full time money worries. You don't shut that off like a light. That's part of it... but there is a lot more at play here. Some of which you have not told us or possibly don't know yourself yet.

Semillion2 · Mar 17, 2009, 12:14 PM

Originally Posted by Xrayman

Okay, to me 1) he is masturbating in the shower.
2) he is making excuses that are just plain ridiculous-children require the use of exclusion devices--LOCK THE DAMN DOOR!
3) children need to be educated that adults have sex-so if the door is locked, unless they are on fire, they must not annoy or enter the room.
4) the financial situation may have started his fear of sex, or it may be due to feeling pressurred by you.
5)" all women over 40 do that!!!" WHat a gross and wrong and misguided overstatement that was!!!!! Do you honestly want sex with him????
I would be pleasuring myselfas often as I need it to get off his back and to satisfy my urges-if I was you. I think you need to look after yourself if he is perpetually disinterested.

cheers

I agree with everything you said. He still makes excuses that he is afraid the kids will hear and I suggest a radio and he is still not interested. He even laughed about... 'My poor beautiful wife who is getting none!" So I am just numbing myselve now, I feel like I exist in a bubble.

Ann-maree

Semillion2 · Mar 17, 2009, 12:20 PM

Originally Posted by Synnen

If you do not go to couples counseling with this man to find out what the REAL issue is, you're going to either end up leaving him or having a sexless relationship.

Up to you.

My guy has refused to go to marriage counselling. His first was a Stripper and left him alone with four infant children, she slept regularly outside the marriage. He has a lot of resent an anger because of this, even though it was 16 years ago. He said because of her he could never trust another women, so he said he could never trust me. I have literally cut myselve off from the world the people who wanted to be my friends, I have not contacted back because eof his fears and my fear of rocking the boat. See I am new to the USA, from Sydney Australia and I have no family or friends here. In other words he has me pegged. None of my family to wrap him around the knukles. So I just exist day to day, unemployed, no friends no family and a sexless marriage. Also dealing with his terrible temper.

Ann-maree

Semillion2 · Mar 17, 2009, 12:27 PM

Originally Posted by wotwotoldchap

You have mentioned the biggie here. Money worries. Psychologically men are "providers" and a great deal of male pride is invested in this need to provide. When men feel inadiquate in this respect it impacts upon their ego and can often have the effect of emasculating them. Don't jump to the conclusion that he is cheating on you or not interested in you. He is the father of your children, and this mean so much to a man. You have history together. Give him a hug. Talk to him. Make no demands on sex but make yourself lovingly available. Most of all TALK, go to a professional. Love him.

He is not the mother of the children he has had, which are four teenagers, two at which live at home and one my natural son lives in Australia. All my family and friends are in Australia, so I am alone in the USA. I came over fell in love this guy, which I found on the internet and after a year of knowing him married him. We have been married now for 2yrs and in that time I have found he has a lot insecurities. HIs ex-wife left him 16yrs ago with four infant children, she was a past stripper and she slept around during the marriage. He has a lot of anger because of this and he said to me I can never trust you or another women because of this. I have excluded myselve from making friends in the USA, because he thinks I will cheat on him, so to keep the peace I just stay in the house. It gets very lonely. And on top of everything I have to contend with his temper, so I have learnt to not to speak much and just speak quite. I love him very much, its just sad, I have no family, friends and also a sexless marriage.

Ann-maree

Semillion2 · Mar 17, 2009, 12:34 PM

Originally Posted by Synnen

If you do not go to couples counseling with this man to find out what the REAL issue is, you're going to either end up leaving him or having a sexless relationship.

Up to you.

He was ex-wife was a stripper and slept outside the marriage
And left him with four infant children 16 years ago is what I meant to say...

Ann-maree

smoothy · Mar 17, 2009, 12:52 PM

With the issues this guy has I wonder why he got married... or how he hid them from you before you got married.

I assume he did, and that you didn't just ignore them before you married him.

Synnen · Mar 17, 2009, 02:11 PM

His cutting you off from friends and family and his temper scare me.

This is CLASSIC for domestic abuse. He will CONTINUE to blame everyone but himself for his problems.

You need to get out. NOW. Before he has you convinced that everything wrong is your fault.

Your life does NOT end at marriage. You should ALWAYS be able to have friends and family. You should be able to be trusted by your spouse.

Please leave this man as soon as possible. Things are NOT going to get better, especially if he refuses counseling.

Please don't become another statistic of domestic violence.

Xrayman · Mar 17, 2009, 02:57 PM

Mmm HE's A FREAK. HE is an abuser you need to get out ASAP! This is typical abusive behaviour.

The children need to be helped as well as you-all of you need to run. I'm sorry, I think he is becoming too nasty and agressive-he may end up hurting you and your kids.

Okay here is the plan, you need to contact a women's shelter and your family here in AUStralia-tell them what's happening. They may be able to help you escape. The children need to be warned as to when they are to come with you. It is imperative he does not know anything. If you contact him when you are safely back here-he MUST go to counselling without you and if he seems better, then you MAY return (but I doubt that this will happen).

Good luck.

makapuu · Mar 17, 2009, 08:51 PM

It's my belief that if there is love in the marriage then there would be sex. When I first met my boyfriend, we both thought we had sexual dysfunctions because our prior relationships with other people weren't satisfying. What we realized was that our past relationships didn't have love. We were both in relationships of conveniences, not love. Now that we are crazy in love with each other, there is no sign of any disfunction. Does your husband tell you that he loves you?