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thrasherj3 · Mar 11, 2009, 06:37 PM

Help! I'm a 36 year old woman with 3 kids ages 11, 6, and 5 months. My problem is with the youngest one's father. He lived with me for several months and told me he couldn't have kids so I wasn't taking birth control. When I came up pregnant, he tried to use the excuse that it couldn't be his but
I know exactly that it is. Later on, he bragged that he knew he was fertile and told me he was using me, that I was a run-through. I asked around and sure enough, he has a history of domestic violence, of using and abusing women, as well as several children that he denies. He seems to be sufferig from antisocial personality disorder. Anyway, he was dating other women when I was pregnant which he denies. Now,I know for sure about another woman that he is dating and he can't deny her because I met her. Problem is, he wants to have both of us at his beck and call. During the week he's with her but on weekends he comes to my house using the baby as an excuse but then he wants to fool around with me telling me he's through with the other woman. But just as soon as he leaves, he's back with the other woman again as though I don't exist. He does the same thing every week and it's frustrating me. I feel I am being played by an expert manipulator. I don't trust him at all and a lot of times I cave in because he makes threats to kill me, burn the house down, or kidnap his daughter if I don't play along with his game.
I feel I am addicted to him because I can't let go. He tells the other woman thst I'm crazy and that he just comes to see his daughter so sh doesn't get angry with him. She doesn't really know me andshe believes everything he tells her. He is a very good liar by the way.
I hate the way he treats me and I know I deserv better but he has some kind of hold over me and I want to be free from him for good. He doesn't do anything for the baby ut be mean to her. He even fell holding her one time because he was so drunk. How do I get him out of my life for good? Please help!

mudweiser · Mar 11, 2009, 07:38 PM

There are several ways: You could try the legal way with the restraining order and the custody battles [if you don't already have full rights to the child]. OR you could go the other way and move to another city where you haven't lived before or where he'd think you'd go to [without telling anyone].

I'd pick the other option: moving. You'd have a fresh start, keep contact with only your family or close friends that you CAN trust.

Goodluck to you,
MRS.S

chuff · Mar 11, 2009, 08:06 PM

For one, call the police when he's drunk and falling all over the place.

Then call them when he threatens to murder you.

Then get some therapy, because this problem is not his, it's yours. You have no limits, so you allow anything to happen to you.

I'm trully stunned reading this, because I think to myself, what did those three kids do to deserve to be around this guy, and the answer is nothing. If you can't do it for yoursel, can't you do it for them?

thrasherj3 · Mar 11, 2009, 11:26 PM

Originally Posted by chuff

For one, call the police when he's drunk and falling all over the place.

Then call them when he threatens to murder you.

Then get some therapy, because this problem is not his, it's yours. You have no limits, so you allow anything to happen to you.

I'm trully stunned reading this, because I think to myself, what did those three kids do to deserve to be around this guy, and the answer is nothing. If you can't do it for yoursel, can't you do it for them?

I agree with you. If not for myelf then for the kids cause the deverve so much better

thrasherj3 · Mar 11, 2009, 11:30 PM

Originally Posted by mudweiser

There are several ways: You could try the legal way with the restraining order and the custody battles [if you don't already have full rights to the child]. OR you could go the other way and move to another city where you haven't lived before or where he'd think you'd go to [without telling anyone].

I'd pick the other option: moving. You'd have a fresh start, keep contact with only your family or close friends that you CAN trust.

Goodluck to ya,
MRS.S

Thanks for the advice. I believe moving would be the best option since he hasn 't established paternity.

talaniman · Mar 12, 2009, 07:44 AM

Protect yourself, and your kids from this drunk, by any means necessary, but don't forget child support.

Romefalls19 · Mar 12, 2009, 07:48 AM

Restraining order stopping psycho spouses from harassing you since many years ago

Romefalls19 · Mar 12, 2009, 10:13 AM

I'm kind of confused about the reddie here, it sounded like you agreed with me

mudweiser · Mar 12, 2009, 10:31 AM

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

I'm kind of confused about the reddie here, it sounded like you agreed with me

I disagreed that a restraining order is the way to go. Sounds like he'll just walk right through it.

MRS.S

Romefalls19 · Mar 12, 2009, 10:42 AM

Originally Posted by mudweiser

There are several ways: You could try the legal way with the restraining orderand the custody battles [if you don't already have full rights to the child]. OR you could go the other way and move to another city where you haven't lived before or where he'd think you'd go to [without telling anyone].

I'd pick the other option: moving. You'd have a fresh start, keep contact with only your family or close friends that you CAN trust.

Goodluck to ya,
MRS.S

You gave the same option! And whether he would go through it or not isn't valid. We can assume he will ignore it, nor should you give a reddie for the advice I gave her as the legal way is ALWAYS the way to go. Please read the rules

mudweiser · Mar 12, 2009, 10:46 AM

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

You gave the same option! And whether he would go through it or not isn't valid. We can assume he will ignore it, nor should you give a reddie for the advice I gave her as the legal way is ALWAYS the way to go. Please read the rules

Oh my it's just a reddie. I'll take it back if I can- wow.

MRS.S

Romefalls19 · Mar 12, 2009, 10:48 AM

I'm just tired of new forum members giving out ill advised red flags, if the advice is bad, then red flag it. But not knowing the rules about the rating system is uncalled for, a little reading of the rules would depict this. I am done with talking about the rating system with you on this thread.

Thrasher, do things the legal way. It's the best option and covers all your bases if he were to try and do anything about custody

kctiger · Mar 12, 2009, 10:50 AM

Originally Posted by mudweiser

Oh my it's just a reddie. I'll take it back if I can- wow.

MRS.S

The purpose of this board is advice, and it is usually a good thing when two people have dissimilar views, as it subjects the OP to more than one option or way of looking at things. Most people who post on here regularly have a passion for helping people, and when someone uses a "reddie" just because they don't agree, then it is looked poorly upon. The best way to say you disagree would be to quote the user and then state your opposing view. Just a quick explanation. Unless it is a demeaning or hurtful remark, you really don't need to use a "reddie."

Romefalls19 · Mar 12, 2009, 11:04 AM

Thanks KC, that's my whole point. I have been here for over a year now and pride myself on giving useful advice. I think the members on here can tell I do not demean or use hurtful remarks on the board. I also seldom give reddies unless the advice will only hurt the OP, which moving and not telling the father of the child where she is going(without proper legal steps taken) would only result in damaging things to the OP. Such events would be losing custody of her child to an abusive, selfish drunk and possibly losing custody of all of her children

mudweiser · Mar 12, 2009, 11:14 AM

The man is threatening to kill her and as she's stated he's manipulative and hasn't even asked for paternity of the child to begin with! I believe skipping town is the best thing!

Once she's in a new town she can start any legal matters and tell her lawyer that she fears for her children and her own life and to keep her address/location a secret- I am pretty sure there is a way to do this without him knowing where she is.

MRS.S

talaniman · Mar 12, 2009, 12:16 PM

The first thing authorities ask, when something does happen, is why didn't you contact police, and file a restraining order, if you felt you were in danger. File the report, and leave. You must do both, be legal and safe. That takes a plan, that puts you first.

friend4u178 · Mar 12, 2009, 03:12 PM

Originally Posted by mudweiser

I disagreed that a restraining order is the way to go. Sounds like he'll just walk right through it.

MRS.S

That's just Hypothetical.

The right thing to do as the others have said is get a Restraining order , and then leave as soon as you can before this animal hurts you or your children.

It's as simple as that!!

thrasherj3 · Mar 14, 2009, 10:55 PM

After talking to someone with more wisdom and experience than me, I have broken through the addiction. I'm also seeing a counselor and I'm learning to be strong and to take back my personal power. He was a bully and I've learned that I have the power to stand up to him. I think he'll leave me alone now to find an easier target. Thanks for all the advice and encouragement!

chuff · Mar 15, 2009, 12:40 PM

Originally Posted by thrasherj3

After talking to someone with more wisdom and experience than me, I have broken through the addiction. I'm also seeing a counselor and I'm learning to be strong and to take back my personal power. He was a bully and I've learned that I have the power to stand up to him. I think he'll leave me alone now to find an easier target. Thanks for all the advice and encouragement!

Perhaps you could share how you broke though the addiction. You don't have to give details, but what kind of system are you using to distract yourself?

thrasherj3 · Mar 15, 2009, 02:38 PM

In response to your question chuff, the source of the problem was identified then steps were taken to remedy the source. In other words, he got a taste of his own medicine.