[DCM]

This is such a long story so I need to try to sum it up quickly. Please ask me for clarification if I've left out something that needs to be explained.

Five years ago, I lived with my husband and 2 daughters, aged 15 and 12 at the time. My 15-year old was always a bit "off". She had social issues with other kids her age and I know she felt left out. We were close, she was an easy kid, never gave us any problems. She was also extremely empathetic to animals. She had some mild learning disabilities and I was always her room mother, brownie leader, etc. because I felt she needed a little bit of extra attention. She would be terrified of costumes so I always felt like I needed to make sure she felt protected.

In 8th grade, she started losing some friends (kids are cruel and she was "different"--not cool). She started to gain the friendship of younger kids because she felt more comfortable with them (always has). Long story short, she started saying bad things about the family--namely, her father. She started by saying he hit her, then he pushed her down some stairs, he burned her arm, etc. This went on for about 6 months. The school counselor got involved with us and we kept very close. The counselor told me that Meghan was saying things about the family and that one day she was going to say something that would destroy the whole family. I got very angry, saying that kids were giving Meghan a hard time and that they were lying to the teachers about what she was saying. Meghan would deny to me everything that they say she said---and I believed her. She said kids were trying to get her in trouble. She told me that she had started eating lunch in the locker room because she was scared to go in the cafeteria. Needless to say, I defended Meghan and told the school counselor that I thought a group of girls were harassing her.

Another 2-3 months went by and she became a freshman, starting high school. Well, she started saying things again---this time she accused her father of sexual abuse. DCF got involved---it was a nightmare. Meghan denied it once again to me. I got her a private counselor and that counselor told me that she felt Meghan was not a victim of sexual abuse. Another 6 months went by with Meghan denying her initial allegation and she continued seeing the counselor. DCF tortured us. Of course the police were involved. They would take Meghan aside and try to get her to repeat what she had said but she refused. After a few months, right when things started settling down again, sort of normalizing, she once again went to school and tried to become friends with some girls much older then she. Of course she got their undivided attention by telling them her father was sexually abusing them.

Long story short, she was taken from my home and I was not allowed to talk/see her. It's been five years and last Christmas was the first time she didn't go running from my parents home when I arrived for dinner with her younger sister. She actually sat down for 30 minutes. It was very tense. She is living in a foster home and she says she loves her new family. She won't acknowledge that I'm her mother, she says that I abandoned her and placed her in foster care. She also says that I just "sat" there while her father molested her. Once again, I have to reiterate that I asked her multiple times if he had molested her and she denied it, I also had a counselor who felt as if she had not been molested. Believe me, if she had told me there was no way on earth I wouldn't have protected her. She recently wrote me a note--calling me by by first name, telling me she has a new mother and that she will never forgive me and wants me out of her life. It hurts. I know she's angry--she's 20 years old now. We haven't talked in 5 years. DCF told her that I threw away all her things in her room and that I didn't want her back. They needed her to hate me so that she would not recant what she said.

She ended up refusing to sign her father's arrest warrant and never talking about her father again to any DCF counselor or doctor. But she said horrible things about me. She said she wanted me to go to jail and that she hates me. When I asked a judge if I could see her, she said she wouldn't see me, but she wanted to see her father. Of course they wouldn't let him near her. She seems to want a relationship with him, but refuses to see me.

The letter she wrote me was very hateful and she wanted to hurt me. I know, she's only 20 (a very immature 20). I know she's angry. She says that she never remembers me doing anything for her--has somehow forgotten all the stuff we did together and that she has a new mother.

I guess time will tell, but how do I carry on until then. I don't know how to wait "patiently" without going crazy. I do not want my life to stop because of this, but then I can't help but feel guilty when I think about my daughter. I've come a long way over these last five years. My friends say I seem happier over the last year, I'm not always obsessing over the past--trying to figure it out--I don't think I will ever figure it out.

I guess I'm just asking if anyone has any advice. I just want her to know that my door will always be open but I also want her to know that I never abandoned her and put her in foster care. She also said something in her note to me about never forgiving me. Well, I know this might sound small, but I want her to know that I am not asking for her forgiveness. I did nothing to her that needs to be forgiven. If it is true that her father abused her, she needs to know that she repeatedly denied it to me--and I believed her. I feel that if I beg her to forgive me (for what?) that it is just acknowledging that I did something wrong and that she has every right to treat me this way. What a mess---any suggestions?

[AlpineAnnie]

I don't have a lot of great advice on most things - but kids are one thing I'm actually good at. I have 6 children all with different personalities, needs and abilities. There will probably come a time as your daughter matures that she will attempt a relationship with you. She may feel the need to even act as if it's a brand new day and there's nothing from the past to discuss. Notice I say probably. My suggestion until that time comes is this... keep writing letters to your daughter. Newsy letters about what's going on, something that reminded you of her on a particular day and how much you look forward to the day when you can all enjoy (fill in the blank) again as a family. Call her if you're able and ask how she's doing, if she's seen a particular movie, (just chatty conversation). Nothing real heavy. If you don't hear back - don't stop writing or calling. If you can't call - keep writing. If you can talk on the phone with her and she starts on a rant - calmly state that you're sorry she sees it that way and then move the conversation to a non-confrontational subject. If she gets mad and hangs up - don't call right back. Give her a day or so to calm down and then call as if that conversation didn't happen.

If you're sure that the abuse didn't happen then just set it aside as something she said at one time for attention. It sounds like it's already been a difficult situation so hopefully given time, it will improve.

In a way it reminds me of when people say that you're parents are really stupid until you have children of your own and then they become the smartest people you know. Just be her mom and forgive the rantings. Regardless of what she calls you - you are still her mother and she knows that. I wish you all the best in getting through the trying times.

[chicagostarbaby]

I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles with your daughter, as I can see breakdowns in communications stem from many reasons.. all of which you already know, [in detail in your heart] but someday, because of your determination to "set the record straight" , with her, [for her sanity and yours] will happen. You will make the right time and place, cause you'll not give up, to keep tapping your strengths, to get through to her to remember those important issues that broke up your relationships in all those areas, in the first place. Your love for her shines through, even though she has put herself [you & your family] through so much turmoil. I agree wholeheartedly, that you should keep writing, calling, and nurturing her memories of you and your families strong love for her, to face the challenges of the future together, will only aid in a better life for both of you. I know that is hard to imagine, but imagine the best scenario your long for in your heart and strive for it. Never quit. Gather together a scrap book of your thoughts, from documents, pictures, to tell your story to her and xerox it, give her a copy, for both of you to reflect upon it, to better communicate, or perhaps determine what issues to resolve once and for all. To build on happiness, add some quotes from mom to daughters, here and there, in the book, to illustrate your love/pain. It's just an idea you may want to ponder, as you know what she will like and relate to, start there and build from it. If anything it will organize your thoughts, straighten out your story in writing and pics to illustrate your pain and efforts to resolve what happened to your lives together.

[Fr_Chuck]

Assuming that all of the abuse is made up, she had and still has seroius mental health issues.

There is little you can do, she either really believes this or wishes to let others view her as the victim

[ScottGem]

Its heartbreaking to lose a child like that. But I agree the girl needs serious counseling. She clearly has a problem with reality.

One thing I would do is make up a package of the things from her room that DCF claims you threw out. Arrange to have it given to her, probably through the grandparents. Show her that DCF lied to her.

[DCM]

Thank you to everyone who commented. These past few days have been hard because of the letter she wrote. It was really our first communication in the last few years besides the Christmas dinner which was very tense and no one "talked" about anything.

It's funny, I'm more scared that she will ignore me. She can write me as many nasty, mean notes as she wants but to be ignored will hurt the most.

Re: giving her back the stuff in her room. About 8 months ago I gave her a huge trunk of things from her room through my parents. They said that she went quickly through it, looked at the pictures of her and her friends and said that she didn't like those kids anymore. (A lot of kids her age stopped talking with her---she became the school "weirdo". They only kids that accepted her after she started her accusations were some kids that had big issues. Funny, she would never bring those kids around before.
Her "old" friends were higher achievers and we were friends with their families. Meghan only told the kids that didn't know our family about her abuse. The other kids wouldn't believe her so she "disowned" them too.

Anyway, I digress. Thank you again for the support and thoughts. I'm going to continue to try to communicate but I think I'll give it a rest for a while right now. I'm pushing too hard and apparently I'm taking backwards steps.