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sosoconfused · Mar 8, 2009, 12:18 AM

Im going to try to keep this simple without too much babble... I recently met this girl who is pretty much what Im looking for in someone. It was a huge surprise to us both that we connected so fast and so strongly. It kind of blew both of us away. We talked honestly about what it meant for each of us and basically she admitted that she's not quite in the same place as me. She is not quite ready to head into something more serious because she is not quite over her last relationship - where as I have been single for a long time and very ready. And because of our intense connection, we both know it could easily turn into something serious really fast. I respect her honesty and maturity but because I have such strong hopes and feelings for her, Im not sure what to do. So - my intention here is to hear some suggestions from others what they would do in this situation. Some of my thoughts are to:

1. forget her for now and just back off and have minimal contact. Give her time to figure out stuff on her own.

2. still be sweet and be in contact with her even though it may be hard for me knowing she may not be ready for anything anytime soon.

Hmmm. I really don't know what would be best and I feel pretty confused about it. :confused:

ROLCAM · Mar 8, 2009, 12:45 AM

ROME was not built in a day.
The second suggestion makes sense.
Honest communication is most important.

unouwanit666 · Mar 8, 2009, 02:34 AM

Number 2!

-she will appreciate that you don't just give up on her because the circumstances aren't right at this point in time, and she will understand, and appreciate, that you like her enough to tough it out until she's ready. :)

talaniman · Mar 8, 2009, 08:27 AM

I will try to keep this simple. She is on a different page, and she doesn't want what you want.

You can be friends but not put a lot of time into impressing her, at the expense of keeping your life balanced, and open to good opportunities for your own happiness, and health.

Never make her a priority, or put so much time, and effort into someone who cannot return that same energy back to you. That's false hope, and would be your fault, not hers.

She was honest, so your free to date someone who is more emotionally ready, and available, she is not.

sosoconfused · Mar 9, 2009, 10:30 AM

Thanks everyone. I appreciate your input. Usually I'm pretty good with managing myself and being aware but this girl has me messed up. I'm also usually pretty patient with things but with this, I feel quite impatient to see what the outcome may be, but I know I have no control over time. I'm trying my best to concentrate on myself but now that I've met someone like this girl, I'm afraid of losing her. I just don't want to find myself consumed with thinking about her and worrying about this. In any case, thanks for the responses.

UnluckyDucky · Mar 9, 2009, 11:27 AM

Tough situation to be in but you have to realize you can't lose something you never truly had. Your words tell me that you are far too emotionally invested in this girl - you have all your eggs in one basket right now and that's not a good place to be... especially if she cannot reciprocate your feelings. Needless to say, one thing you need to do right now is turn down the volume on your feelings for her.

I'd personally choose option #3A or 3B here, depending upon your current state of mind:

3A. If you don't think you can handle just being friends at this point (be honest with yourself here), back off and clear your head first. You had a life before her - go back to it.

3B. If you think you can handle just being friends do it. Keep busy with your life first and foremost and be there as a friend. Be cautious of becoming a potential rebound as she is not over her last relationship yet.

Your first priority should be yourself and your life and I'm glad to see you have this in mind. If she's still interested down the road she'll come around to you.

sosoconfused · Mar 11, 2009, 11:30 AM

Wow... amazing responses you guys... so much appreciated and Im definitely taking your suggestions and comments to heart. Hope everyone is well... :)

sosoconfused · Mar 19, 2009, 02:51 PM

Hey guys. So, I've been trying very hard to have patience and grasp this thing called "time". I have also been trying to back off this girl, not putting myself or my emotions too much into her, but honestly, I still have moments of impatience and get totally frustrated that she isn't in a place to reciprocate. Perhaps I just need to be reminded that I can't control what isn't and can only be responsible for my own well being. Any words of wisdom will help. I guess what I'm struggling with is - I'm not entirely sure if I'm missing signs that she's just not interested... and to be honest, I'm a little afraid to talk to her about it because I don't want to ruin what we do have right now... and don't want to appear like I'm putting on pressure or make her feel rushed... thats the last thing I want... wow... listening to myself, I know I just need to slow down and be patient. Its so hard though... is that ridiculous? Positive manifestation is the key - right? Thanks again all.

dealmein · Mar 19, 2009, 06:57 PM

Deep down she probably knows you're pining for her and waiting in the wings for her to snap her fingers and come running when she's ready. Which is just not very manly.

If she had strong feelings for you nothing would stop her jumping at the chance to be with you. Maybe you're too obvious in your need to be with her. I would strongly suggest seeing other people right now. You might only have her on your mind but if she's not ready you have to respect that and live your own life free of hope that one day this girl will turn round and say "be with me".

She might don't get me wrong. But I think you have to change what you're doing right now because its not working.

talaniman · Mar 19, 2009, 07:33 PM

Disappear from her life, and enjoy your own.

Talaniman Rule- Never, ever, get involved with someone who hasn't gotten over the ex.

sosoconfused · May 6, 2009, 05:10 PM

Hello people. So a continuation of this saga. I recognize that my part in this situation was that I invested much more than she was able to reciprocate with. I still displayed understanding, support and a lot of patience. I believed in her words as she kept telling me that she had baggage she needed to work through and needed to concentrate on herself and had no energy for anything other than work and to focus on her. Weeks go by with no contact and then I find out she has a new boyfriend. Wow. This did not make any sense to me. Can someone explain that one to me? Especially when she kept telling me I was the most amazing person she's ever met and that she'd be a fool to not take the opportunity to be with me but she can't right now? And then whammo - she thinks getting into a new relationship will solve her problems? If she's so emotionally and physically unavailable, why a new boyfriend? That makes NO sense to me. Any input? I've never been in this situation before. Thanks in advance all.

Gemini54 · May 6, 2009, 07:39 PM

I think that it's really clear - it was not meant to be. You invested lots of thought and hope but approached it cautiously. Which, in hindsight was wise.

She wasn't truthful in saying she wanted to wait, and has jumped into another relationship. Wait and see how long it lasts.

She was saying to you that she wasn't emotionally available, but also (subtext) that she wasn't interested. A good lesson for the future when someone says something similar.

You've made good your escape! Find someone that is emotionally available.

ajGambino · May 6, 2009, 08:11 PM

She fed you a bunch of BS. She was leading you on while still keeping you in place with her lies. That's how you explain all this. Leave her alone and move on to someone who's ready and honest.

talaniman · May 6, 2009, 08:39 PM

Sorry guy but you made the mistake we all do sometimes...

We talked honestly about what it meant for each of us and basically she admitted that she's not quite in the same place as me. She is not quite ready to head into something more serious because she is not quite over her last relationship - where as I have been single for a long time and very ready. And because of our intense connection, we both know it could easily turn into something serious really fast.

You were not paying attention to what she said..........

You weren't on the same page.........

you thought she felt the same as you did when she didn't.

If she's so emotionally and physically unavailable, why a new boyfriend? That makes NO sense to me. Any input?

Unavailable to YOU! I think false hope kept you going after she was quite clear, but you missed it. That and inexperience. That's why leaving her alone, and looking forward when she told you, was the thing to do.

Sometimes its best to listen, and quit, when they don't express the same interest as you do. A tough lesson to learn for the future. Gemini is correct.

sosoconfused · May 6, 2009, 10:42 PM

Man... thank you everyone... seriously... thank you...

sosoconfused · May 7, 2009, 05:37 PM

So, I guess what I'm mostly disappointed with is that she didn't tell me about seeing someone else. Is it too much to expect communication from someone who you were dating? It was bit of a shock because that was the LAST thing I thought she'd do since she was telling me she only had energy for herself.. anyway, not trying to beat a dead horse, so really my question is - am I in the wrong to have expected communication around her all of a sudden acquiring a new boyfriend?

talaniman · May 7, 2009, 05:51 PM

am I in the wrong to have expected communication around her all of a sudden acquiring a new boyfriend?

Its her business, and her choice to tell you anything. That's why knowing when to vanish is a skill that will serve you well, once you learn.

Gemini54 · May 7, 2009, 07:19 PM

Originally Posted by sosoconfused

so, i guess what im mostly disappointed with is that she didn't tell me about seeing someone else. Is it too much to expect communication from someone who you were dating? it was bit of a shock because that was the LAST thing I thought she'd do since she was telling me she only had energy for herself .. anyways, not trying to beat a dead horse, so really my question is - am I in the wrong to have expected communication around her all of a sudden acquiring a new boyfriend?

Clearly she wasn't as 'honest and mature' as you first thought.

That's why a strong instant, connection can be deceiving. It always takes time to get to know another person.

It's not a matter of 'wrong' or 'right' in terms of your expectations of her. Just understand that people frequently don't behave the way we want them to!

IWHO · May 7, 2009, 07:37 PM

[QUOTE=talaniman;1720055]Its her business, and her choice to tell you anything. QUOTE]

Sorry, but I agree with Talaniman...

IWHO · May 7, 2009, 07:40 PM

Originally Posted by Gemini54

Clearly she wasn't as 'honest and mature' as you first thought.

That's why a strong instant, connection can be deceiving. It always takes time to get to know another person.

It's not a matter of 'wrong' or 'right' in terms of your expectations of her. Just understand that people frequently don't behave the way we want them to!

Very well put Gemini...