[h100]

My present husband and I met in 1998, and I fell hopelessly in love with him, He left in 1999 to study, and we got married in 2000. I visited him very often, and also supported him financially while he was away. We had our baby two years later. In 2002, on one of my trips I was told that he was having numerous affairs, but I refused to believe the person who told me. In 2003 though, it became very obvious to me that he was indeed having affairs as we had not seen each other for three months, and we only had intercourse 4 times while I was there. My suspicions were confirmed by one of his friends. I returned to my country, and was subjected to STD and HIV tests. During this period, I foolishly became close to a male friend, in my very confused state, and whan bam thank you mam he pretended to really care, and at that point in time I just needed the pain to go away so I became involved with him. That however did not last very long. During this period I stopped all monetary support toward my husband. In 2005 I discovered that ,my husband had a baby with one of the females he was involved with. This baby was born while I was visiting him, and I had no idea. This was at first denied, but then he finally admitted. He returned from his studies, and we did the counselling and everything. He now lives in my house. I am still very hurt, very confused, very much on an emotional roller coatser. I cannot even deal with hearing the child's name. I also understand that he was giving his ladies some of the money that I was sending to him. Will I ever get over this, I want my son to have his Daddy, and I guess I still do love him, but it is one of the most difficult decisions that I have ever made. He has never apologised for his actions. Will I ever be OK, and not feel as if I am losing my mind? Please help!!

[greatodie]

No need for pretending that you love him , you need to take a break think about yourself not go by what counselors say.

[Nestorian]

Humm, difficult to see through the emotional ties and lies...

First things first? What country are you from and where did he go for school?

So here is my other question, "Can YOU forgive YOURSELF for staying with him even though you know whats' happened?"

Do you really think he loves you?

Just because you are not with him, doesn't mean your son can't see his father, unless his father is a pathetic fool and ignores him... Sorry one of my pet peves.

How much do you respect yourself? How much do you love yourself?

If you can't tell me, then you can't love or respect nor forgive any one else. YOu will know that you do care for them, but it will not mean anything until you know yourself. Get to know yourself, and then look at every thing again. OK...

Peace and kindness.

[h100]

Nestorain, I do not think he likes me, far less loves me. You cannot know that your wife is working tooth and nail ensuring that you are OK while you are in university, and the best thing that you can do is have plenty women, spend the money she sends to you on them, and in the process impregnante one. I was even clothing the good gentleman during this time. I also paid for the entire wedding, including my own ring. You would think now as well, since he is working that at least he would try to assist me financially, but he always claims he has no money. That I am looking for any mind you, as I am pretty self sufficient, but you would think that he would at least offer. As far as loving myself, I think I used to, but presently I do not know my head from my foot. One day I am happy, and the other I am crying. Respect, I have ensured that I have never entered another relationship while married. I have learnt the hard way when you are upset about something never confide in a male friend as they only use the situation t their advantage. Thanks though for your kind words

[Jake2008]

There are many issues that couples can work through, including what you have, but I don't get the impression that he is willing.

If only one part of the whole is doing all the work, the other is not changing, or trying very hard to make the relationship work. Trust is the foundation for a successful relationship, good and bad, you have to deal with the truth.

What did the counselling reveal from him. Did he come clean about everything? Did he seem remorseful? Did it seem like he was willing to change? Do the two of you talk, or did you talk about the counselling, and what it meant?

If those types of things were worked through, and yet there is still a lot of leftover emotional baggage that clouds forgiveness, so why is he still there. You said he has never apologized for his actions but would this make a difference now, considering the history?

If you were to take a snapshot of your life, relationship with him, and day to day living, is there anything that is positive about it? What do you see long-term. Do you trust him?

[sadinohio]

Get out now! He don't deserve you. You already proved you can take care of yourself and your child. He had disrespected you in so many ways. Once a liar always a liar. He probably didn't even tell the other woman about you. Good Luck. You were without him while he was "studying" you don't need him now.

[Nestorian]

Nestorain, I do not think he likes me, far less loves me. You cannot know that your wife is working tooth and nail ensuring that you are ok while you are in university, and the best thing that you can do is have plenty women, spend the money she sends to you on them, and in the process impregnante one. I was even clothing the good gentleman during this time period. I also paid for the entire wedding, including my own ring. You would think now as well, since he is working that at least he would try to assist me financially, but he always claims he has no money. That I am looking for any mind you, as I am pretty self sufficient, but you would think that he would at least offer. As far as loving myself, I think I used to, but presently I do not know my head from my foot. One day I am happy, and the other I am crying. Respect, I have ensured that I have never entered another relationship while married. I have learnt the hard way when you are upset about something never confide in a male friend as they only use the situation t their advantage. Thanks though for your kind words

Say what you want, But if I was married and in another country, I'd be all for talking to my wife. I'd want to know what I could do for her, especially if she was paying my way. No offence but your husband, is not very smart... My opinion. What eve.

If you can not love yourself, then you need to start. You are a kind, loving, dedicated, beautiful, smart, caring, and independent Women. Don't you think it's time you treat yourself this way? I don't recall if I siad this before but, "no one in the univers deserves your love and affection as much as you do." - Buddha.

I can see why you feel the day to day change in mood, you are feeling a lot of stress no? After a point we start to break down and wear out faster. So one day you may be fine, then the next you just can't handle the regular stuff because you are dealing with the whole husband issue. "Fear is the path to the dark side, Fear leads to anger, anger lead to hate, hate leads to suffering." - My favorit little green man, YODA. It's true, you fear something or in your case any number of things (as it is with most.), so you begin to get angery, but you either hate yourself or the persons involved, and ultimately suffer. I just made this up the other day, : "FEAR = The Facing of Extream Anxiety Reasponse" What I mean is, when we are faced with a problem that is particularly stressful, we tend to get anxiety. (due to thinking about it, and how hard, difficult it may be.) Pretty straight forword. Well, because we are anxious we are more likely to make mistakes/ over react/ not react/ be come paralised. I had a better explanation earlier, but I'm too tired to recall, sorry. Try to push through the fear, and face the anxiety. It's pretty much about self control.

"I have learnt the hard way when you are upset about something never confide in a male friend as they only use the situation t their advantage. Thanks though for your kind words" - You

Ok, hold your role little sister... I'm a 24 year old Canadian with many friends whom are female. They trust me more than any one, and I do mean any one. I am there for them as much as they are there for me, I make it a matter of mutual respect, and love, as aposed to oh poor you, or poor me. Mind you I have slept with four of those girls, but never, with out loving them. And more importantly, never with out being there for them after they chose not to sleep with me any more. I can keep my interests off to the side while I help a friend, and Im a guy. Perhaps, you may want to choose a better friend to confide in, even if it's a girl?

You are welcome, I hope you find your way. If you have any more to ask, feel free, we are here.

Peace and kindness be with you.

[DoulaLC]

Sadly it appears, out of a loving heart, you have been taken advantage of... and he may not even realize he was doing so... or perhaps he does. What has he brought to the relationship? What has he contributed? Relationships normally will have ebbs and flows... where one party is doing more for the other when possible, but it should go back and forth at some point, be a give and take situation, otherwise it becomes very one sided. A relationship won't survive that for too long depending on the individuals involved.
Have the two of you talked about all that has gone on? Will he talk about it? Have you been able to share your frustrations and hurt? Some couples do work things out and manage to make the relationship stronger, but only if both are willing to put forth the effort.

If you decide to not stay together, you will be OK. Your child will be OK. You may love him, but he may not be the best partner for the kind of relationship you want.

[apatts08]

Ok first off I'm sorry that you have been put through this. NOW listen carefully to this question. If your son came home and told you this same story and it was his wife doing all of this to him... would you tell him to stay? Would you WANT him to be with someone who would humilate and be so disrespectful to him?? I'm sure the answer would be no so if this type of person would not be good enough for your son or your daughter then why is he good enough for you??

He knows that he has you where he wants you... he knows that you love him and that no matter what you are not strong enough in his eyes at least to stand up to him and tell him to get the heck out.

But what he doesn't realize and what you so far have no realized is that you ARE STRONG enough. You have to show your child a good example of what a relationship is suppose to be and this is not it. YOU have to take back what this man has taken away from you. He has taken your dignity, yourself respect, your control.

Look in the mirror and have an honest conversation with yourself and make yourself strong enough if not for yourself then for your son's sake.

I know you feel a huge void right now... a sense of such saddness that it hurts beyond any words that I could use to describe it... I know that the pain of being betrayed and lied to and used leaves you in tears. But you HAVE to pick yourself up. YOU have to find enough strength to tell him to get out... you need to have the time to bulid yourself back up and get the help that you need before you can decide about him.

If it were me his butt would be on the street right now. If you don't have the strength right now to do it yourself then have a lawyer do it and have him served while he is not at home so you don't have to see him... do something but the one thing please please don't do... is sit there any longer and let the life that GOD has given to you fall away and stay in a marriage that does not work and makes you feel so alone and so unsure.

This is not the time to be weak... this is the time to be strong enough for yourself and for your son in order to have the life that you and your son truly deserve. Don't keep just a warm body around to show him it's OK to treat a woman like this. Because it's not right and it's not OK.

I wish you luck and I send to you the hope that you will find the strength you need to do what must be done.