[EasyRider]

Please forgive the rather large post, but it will be worth the read, and i really appreciate any help and advice you can provide! This is a big moment in my life and im looking for all the support i can get.

Me and my girlfriend are both 20, and we have been together for five years, a long time from such a young age. She was my first, but I wasn't hers.

A week before Christmas, I proposed a break. I was having feelings of resentment, and felt I had been in this relationship for too long. On new years eve, I decided to end it. Terrible timing I know, but what can you do? I couldn't string her along any longer. It was unfair.

I knew a girl who liked me, a co-worker who I'd worked with since the beginning of December, she was a few years older than me, and we had been out on multiple Christmas meals with the whole company. She was quite a flirt and flirted with the other co-workers, but me mostly, and I knew she quite fancied me. I told her my situation, and she told me we could just 'see' each other. I knew her pretty well, and knew a lot about her as we'd talked quite a lot. To cut a long story short, we eventually had sex, and went on a date (I took her to the cinema) mid-january or so. Then, I was just sitting at home, and it began to just hit me how much I missed my girlfriend.

I knew how empty my life had felt the 4 weeks we'd been apart, but I hoped it would pass, and I was seeing another girl. I was doing new things like hitting the gym regularly and seeing friends a bit more, but I wanted my girlfriend back. I knew she was one of a kind. Loyal, respectful, beautiful, intelligent and we'd been through SO much together, we'd grown up together. The more I thought about her the more I wanted her back. I knew that when I ended it with her it would devastate her, as she was always extremely loving towards me, and told me things like 'she would marry me' and had talked about moving out with me etc before I broke up with her. I knew she really loved me. It was just as hard for me to end it with her.

Anyway, here's the big part. I had to see her and couldn't push my feeling aside any more. I went to her house and went in and told her how I was feeling. I knew I wanted her back, but I also wanted closure on the feelings I was still having, I wanted to know if she could take me back or not. I knew if I got back with her I wouldn't feel comfortable keeping anything from her as I never did, so I told her EVERYTHING, from the girl I was seeing, to the sex, to the date, to what I'd been doing since. She didn't seem very bothered, probably because she was so happy to see I wanted her back. A day or two later, she told me she wanted me back. So we did get back together.

During our first week or so, we had a BIG serious talk about what went wrong etc and how we could make this better. During which I asked if she had been with anyone else. I'd seen her Facebook pictures from when we were apart, going out clubbing and pictures of her dancing with strangers at the clubs etc, which just wasn't the girlfriend I knew, but I put it aside. She told me she hadn't done anything with anyone.

Last week, I proposed another talk. Something just didn't feel right. We had a long talk, I told her I loved her more than ever now, I hope we can make this work etc. Then just as we were getting into bed I asked her 'so you really didn't get with anyone while we were apart?' and she said 'well, there was this one guy'. I flipped.

Three weeks we'd been together, and only now she just tells me, after I had had sex with her, been out with her, I was always honest with her during out relationship, never lied, cheated etc. Nothing. I told her EVERYTHING the day I got back with her. She told me to my face she had done nothing. I knew from her clubbing pics she had turned into something else while we were apart. I made her tell me everything.

The worse part is, she had sex with this complete stranger the night I broke up with her, new years eve. Some 26 year old bloke. I broke down, I cried, I was sick, I knew she had changed but I never expected her to do something like this. I know she was devastated when I broke up with her, but in my opinion, that is no excuse. She had sex with him without a condom, and we even went to the clinic together to get checked as she had some problems. Thankfully the results were clean.

She said she stopped him half way through, and told me she didn't feel right, she says it was 'horrible' and she just wanted me. She says she stopped it, but I'm not sure I believe it! I really feel that if she had stopped it, then she might still have more self-respect than I can account her for right now, otherwise I just don't know. I never thought my baby would be capable of doing something like that, I feel like I don't know her. She is so in love with me I know, and I love her too, but I am having real trouble getting over this and how my girlfriend acted. I know all too well I am accountable for this big mess, and I know I had sex with someone else while we were apart, but at least I KNEW this person, at least it wasn't the day we broke up (and a fair time after), at least I used a condom, at least I didn't hook-up with a complete stranger, take them back to my sisters house and screw them like she did. I never expected her to do this, and I'm just having trouble coming to grips with it and believing I can go on with my girlfriend still or is this going to eat at me forever onward? I know I love her, but I'm just worried about what she's capable of!

Thanks for reading. What are your thoughts?

[talaniman]

I find it interesting that your devastated by what she is capable of, when you just calmly gloss over what your capable of.

The way I see it, you blew a 5 year relationship, without warning or debate, and moved on to a brief affair and went back, when you felt something was wrong, and that was so hunky dory.

Not once have you thought of the degree of devastation someone may feel after 5 years together, nor did you care about her feelings, or reactions, at the time of this break up, or what it took to even take you back, after that devastation.

You really need more empathy to what had to be a hard time she had through this whole thing, and stop seeing yourself as any more entitled than the angel you suddenly dumped.

As long as your see your pain, and not acknowledging hers, this will never work out any way, and you only have yourself to blame.

It was your impulsive actions that started this whole chain of events, and its not fair her behavior is so bad and yours wasn't. That's a pretty one way view you have, and not really the whole truth is it?

See your side of thing as being as bad as you think hers is. I think your behavior was worse as you just left, did your thing and came back.

See this as a lesson learned in communicating with your partner, before impulsive behavior, and a test of how you really feel, about her and YOURSELF.

If you can't forgive, leave her alone to grieve, heal, and move on and be happy.

[ardahk]

Agreeing with tal here Easyrider - you devastated her when you left after a relationship with 5 years, but what you have to remember is you KNEW you were going to do this so were fine with dealing with it when you actually brought up.

For her it was a bombshell, completely out of the blue and on new year's eve... Again agree with tal, what you did is far worse. She obviously wasn't being rational because she didn't wear a condom and had sex with a stranger but to her nor were you. Think about what she may have been going through, why would you suddenly dump her like that? For all you know she may have thought there was another girl.

You messed up, hurt her, broke her heart, she is feeling unloved and turns to a completely stranger for a night of sex just to get back her self confidence and that feeling - you did the same it just took you a couple of weeks and wasn't a bombshell dropped on you on new years...

Either you get over and completely forgive you, which I think you should because she loves you enough to forgive you for doing what you did and it's a shame you don't see it this way but what you did is way worse mate and this is coming from a guy.

Get over it man, it seems like you may have a good one there - she was willing to take you back after you realsied the grass wasn't greener on the other side.. A lot of girls would have never

[EasyRider]

Some nice advice Talaniman, but I think your being a bit bias. Breaking up with my girlfriend was something I needed to do to know if this relationship could go on. Five years and never being with anyone else and/or alone throughout my teenage years had me in a constant state of ponder. She was so in love with me and I felt trapped at my age. I had to break up with my girlfriend to really know if I could go on with her. I told her my feelings, and we had a two week break before the actual break-up. So it wasn't this 'sudden' break up to path the way for my 'affair' as you put it (which it wasn't). I had no intentions of seeing this other girl beforehand, and when we did (and we had sex) it just happened. I regret it, but I don't regret breaking up with my girlfriend, as now I know I love her more than ever. I do regret however, the way she acted, which in my opinion was very immature, disrespectful to herself (and me) and quite frankly shocking.

I've realized my mistakes, and considered my girlfriends feelings for the last 5 years, but don't try to make me out as this super-bad guy for having the balls to see past my emotions and making the decision to break-up in the first place. Maybe that was a mistake, but if I hadn't I know I'd only done it somewhere else further along the line. I know I shouldn't have slept with another girl, or even begun seeing her for that matter, but I came CLEAN from the start. I told my girlfriend everything. I did not leave it 3 weeks of sex and dating before telling her I ed a stranger. And I at least showed some remorse. Knowing my girlfriend is capable of all that is what's really got me choked.

[kirriky]

You think she must show remorse to you? (Apart from the unprotected sex and then putting you at risk, wrong wrong). You broke up with her, she slept with someone else, the way I see it, she owed you nothing, even when you came back she wasn't obligated to tell you everything she did without you. It's like telling your bf/gf about your former lovers. (i.e. not necessary). When you dump somebody you must accept that she will sleep with someone else. A one night stand is a one night stand, happens to many people, and obviously she's not the 15-yr-old you chose to date years ago.

You, on the other hand, didn't sleep with a stranger, you slept with a coworker you had known for one month. How is that so much more noble? You say you met this girl who fancied you at the beginning of December... then by the end of December you dumped you girlfried so you could "be single, be with other people" and whatnot. You say you hadn't targeted this coworker by then? I'd say it's much more.. ugly, to dump your partner with the intention of hooking up with a specific 'someone else' and then coming back. Maybe that's not the case, but how does your girlfriend know it's not? To sum up, both of you can think the other has done horrible things. You must learn to put it behind you if you are to have a future in this relationship.

[Justwantfair]

Some nice advice Talaniman, but i think your being a bit bias. Breaking up with my girlfriend was something i needed to do to know if this relationship could go on. Five years and never being with anyone else and/or alone throughout my teenage years had me in a constant state of ponder. She was so in love with me and i felt trapped at my age. I had to break up with my girlfriend to really know if I could go on with her. I told her my feelings, and we had a two week break before the actual break-up. So it wasn't this 'sudden' break up to path the way for my 'affair' as you put it (which it wasn't). I had no intentions of seeing this other girl beforehand, and when we did (and we had sex) it just happened. I regret it, but i don't regret breaking up with my girlfriend, as now i know i love her more than ever. I do regret however, the way she acted, which in my opinion was very immature, disrespectful to herself (and me) and quite frankly shocking.

I've realized my mistakes, and considered my girlfriends feelings for the last 5 years, but don't try to make me out as this super-bad guy for having the balls to see past my emotions and making the decision to break-up in the first place. Maybe that was a mistake, but if i hadn't i know I'd only done it somewhere else further along the line. I know i shouldn't have slept with another girl, or even begun seeing her for that matter, but i came CLEAN from the start. I told my girlfriend everything. I did not leave it 3 weeks of sex and dating before telling her i ed a stranger. And i at least showed some remorse. Knowing my girlfriend is capable of all that is what's really got me choked.

You should not have to end a relationship to be able to properly evaluate it's worth in your life. You found someone new that sparked your interest and left you doubting your girlfriend of five years. You felt smothered because she was new and interesting and different, not because there had been any change other than that in your relationship. The way you behaved to someone you loved is just as immature, disrespectful to her and quite frankly a bit shocking.

Step down from your pedestal. You are human, just as your girlfriend is, she was willing to work on the relationship with a clean slate, just as you wanted. If you can not forgive her as she has forgiven you, then leave the relationship once again with NC. If you want a tic sheet for who does what wrong and when to what level than you aren't in a relationship.

[sylvan_1998]

Okay, look at it this way. You got all the control and she got the s*** from you. You got to think about someone else (she did not do this) while in the relationship. You got to let those feelings well up (she did not do this) while you were together to the point where you could not be together any more.

This was a total shock to her. How would you have reacted when so blindsided by this? I think you should have a little more compassion for how you left her and quit punishing her. Did she punish you?

[UnluckyDucky]

Breaking up with my girlfriend was something I needed to do to know if this relationship could go on. Five years and never being with anyone else and/or alone throughout my teenage years had me in a constant state of ponder. She was so in love with me and I felt trapped at my age. I had to break up with my girlfriend to really know if I could go on with her.

Its something you NEEDED to do? As Justwantfair stated, you do not have to end a relationship to evaluate its worth. That was poor judgement.

I told her my feelings, and we had a two week break before the actual break-up.

You left out this very important piece of information, and you received advice and feedback based on what was in your original question.

I had no intentions of seeing this other girl beforehand, and when we did (and we had sex) it just happened.

This kind of thing just doesn't happen, please don't kid yourself. You KNEW she fancied you - yet you had no intentions? What did you honestly expect to happen?

the way she acted, which in my opinion was very immature, disrespectful to herself (and me) and quite frankly shocking.

How did you expect her to act? Did you expect her to wait around like some love sick puppy? Do you even realize the amount of hurt you put her through?

Knowing my girlfriend is capable of all that is what's really got me choked.

Well, it works both ways now doesn't it. Now she knows what you're capable of as well...

Sorry but I have to be harsh here because I strongly feel you need to hear it. You made these choices and now have to live with the result. People make mistakes, and I hope you can eventually a step back for a minute and look at your situation from a different perspective - by doing so you can learn from your mistakes and prevent them from happening in the future.

You are both still very young. People at your age are just discovering what is really out there and its during the next few years many of them will find out what they really want in life and in a partner. Take this as a life lesson and learn from it.

[talaniman]

Some nice advice Talaniman, but I think your being a bit bias. Breaking up with my girlfriend was something I needed to do to know if this relationship could go on. Five years and never being with anyone else and/or alone throughout my teenage years had me in a constant state of ponder

Wow, Biased? The way I see it your girlfriend was in a 5 year relationship as well as you. What about her feelings in all this and how can you justify not talking first? Then she took you back?

My gosh man, you still don't see how lucky you are. To make it worse you took her feelings for granted, and you still are. This is all about you and your feelings, but what about your partner? Who needs a one-way love like that?

[EasyRider]

You should not have to end a relationship to be able to properly evaluate it's worth in your life. You found someone new that sparked your interest and left you doubting your girlfriend of five years. You felt smothered because she was new and interesting and different, not because there had been any change other than that in your relationship. The way you behaved to someone you loved is just as immature, disrespectful to her and quite frankly a bit shocking.

Step down from your pedestal. You are human, just as your girlfriend is, she was willing to work on the relationship with a clean slate, just as you wanted. If you can not forgive her as she has forgiven you, then leave the relationship once again with NC. If you want a tic sheet for who does what wrong and when to what level than you aren't in a relationship.

Well, if you want to tell me why I ended the relationship in the first place, feel free, but it isn't going to get us anywhere mate, because you are wrong. I failed to mention the fact that I'd been having these feelings for at least a year or so, possibly longer, on and off. Each time I disputed those feelings within myself. And what 'should' be right for you isn't necessarily right for me. I did have to end it to evaluate its worth. Also, your acting like this girl is the first girl ever to show me some interest while being with my girlfriend. Over five years of my youth do you think she's the only one? It's all just been a case of bad decisions and bad timing.

Like I said, I'm sorry for my actions, I'm sorry for breaking my girlfriends heart, I've told her all this and came clean on the day. I just don't feel anything would condone your ex (and girlfriend of 5 years) shagging some stranger from a club within hours of breaking up. I honestly would not have cared if she showed a bit of self-respect and slept with someone who actually knew her second name and showed a bit of real affection for her while we were apart. Not some random who's just after one thing.

[Romefalls19]

Hold up! You propose a break before Christmas, then end it completely on New Years Eve, go out with a girl who was flirting with you WHILE you were in a relationship, had sex with her and were still seeing her. Then after you saw that the grass isn't greener on the other side you decided to come back to your ex and expect she didn't live her life the way SHE wanted too? Dude, this isn't a fairytale and life doesn't work that way. Last time I checked it was YOU who ended it, don't fault her for your stupidity.

Second, what happens after a break up is none of your damn business! I wouldn't have told you sh*t! Just because you felt guilty, doesn't mean she immediately has to tell you everything she did. Who cares if she went clubbing, who cares if she boinked some guy, it's her life and just like you tried new things, so did she.

Give me one good reason why she should have spent her days wallowing in self pity because some selfish bloke decided he wanted to test the waters?

[Justwantfair]

Well, if you want to tell me why I ended the relationship in the first place, feel free, but it isn't going to get us anywhere mate, because you are wrong. I failed to mention the fact that I'd been having these feelings for at least a year or so, possibly longer, on and off. Each time I disputed those feelings within myself. And what 'should' be right for you isn't necessarily right for me. I did have to end it to evaluate its worth. Also, your acting like this girl is the first girl ever to show me some interest while being with my girlfriend. Over five years of my youth do you think she's the only one? It's all just been a case of bad decisions and bad timing.

Like I said, I'm sorry for my actions, I'm sorry for breaking my girlfriends heart, I've told her all this and came clean on the day. I just don't feel anything would condone your ex (and girlfriend of 5 years) shagging some stranger from a club within hours of breaking up. I honestly would not have cared if she showed a bit of self-respect and slept with someone who actually knew her second name and showed a bit of real affection for her while we were apart. Not some random who's just after one thing.

Sounds to me like you won't be over yourself anytime soon. You believe she owes you something, yet after EVERYTHING you did she took you back without a second thought, no tic sheet for your head.

You can't forgive move on, she deserves better than that!

[jmw0713]

You said yourself "she shagged some stranger from a club within hours of breaking-up".

You two were both broke-up. When you did this, you relinquished any and all control over her life, as she did with yours. You were NOT TOGETHER. It doesn't matter what she did, or what you did because as soon as the words of the break-up are said... both of you were single.

It should not matter who she had sex with, or when. You really have no right to get angry with her... you were not her b/f. So she had sex with a stranger... you would have probably have done the same if you didn't have your next piece lined up.

Get over yourself... you are not the one in the right here and have no ground for argument. You satisfied your need, while out of the relationship and so did she! DONE!

[sylvan_1998]

Really, what happened while you two were broke up is not your business.

But lets disect this. She did not tell you about it. Was she embarrassed? Did she know how you would react? Why should she ever come clean in the future? Can this be undone?

So you really have a choice here (if she will let you have this choice... I personally would not give you that power). Either make it a safe place where she can always tell you the truth with out repercussion. Meaning that you will listen and deal with what she says in the future without flipping out.

Work on the areas where you have a problem... that she had sex with a total stranger. Did she do it because this is what she wants to do? Did she do it because she was an emotional wreck? Did she do this because she had no self esteem? What role did you play and do you accept in these behaviours? And address these issues instead of your ego (HOW DARE SHE DO THIS TO ME!! )

Or you move on because you can not get over this.

What everyone here is saying if not for the fact you broke up with her, she would not have done this. Your hands are not clean because of why you broke up with her. And you need to accept the responsibility for your part in her decision making. Now, this is not to say that this excuses poor decisions. Nor, should she throw what she has done in your face or go and do it again. Poor decisions are just that poor decisions and they have consequesnces. You and she can decide if you are going to make lemonade or just sit there with a sour look on your face.

[EasyRider]

Thanks Sylvan, that is the kind of reply I was looking for. I know I'm to blame, I did not want countless replies pointing out the obvious. I also believe I am not some monster, which is easy for everyone to imply when they don't know a lot of the facts (like you don't know anything about my girlfriend and our past). I guess you can only work with what I give you, but then again I'm not going to write a five year autobiography am I? I came here looking for help to forgive my girlfriend as she has forgiven me. Not everyone can forgive so easily. I WISH I could forgive so easily, I know I will in time because I do love my girlfriend. She has had a lot more time to get over what I did, she said she knew I was seeing someone when we were apart. She just dropped this bombshell on me 3 weeks into our supposedly 'honest and truthful' re-relationship. And she wouldn't have even told me if I didn't ask her again.

I asked her why she did it. She said she was 'confused and hurt'. She said he came over to her and she told him about us. Naturally the c*nt took advantage of that, and she let herself into the situation. She said she stopped him during sex, and said it didn't feel right and it was 'horrible'. I know she's with me now, but capable of doing something like that and keeping it from me, which I never would have believed. So what else can I believe? She said she didn't want to tell me because she knew how I'd react and that she was going to tell me eventually. I'm just having trouble forgiving that, the same night I broke up with her, after five years, am I supposed to be okay about it or something? I didn't come here hoping for some kind of sympathy as a big victim of the situation. For sake I know what I've done. Some of you people make it sound so simple and easy, and it probably is when your just reading a bunch of words from a complete stranger who's life and relationship you know only from a few paragraphs on the internet. Your quick to pass judgement of me. I want to forgive my girlfriend so bad and get over it and on with our relationship, I was hoping for some help with that but clearly I am the 'monster' here now. So maybe I won't find much help here after all.

[Justwantfair]

Thanks Sylvan, that is the kind of reply I was looking for. I know I'm to blame, i did not want countless replies pointing out the obvious. I also believe i am not some monster, which is easy for everyone to imply when they don't know a lot of the facts (like you don't know anything about my girlfriend and our past). I guess you can only work with what i give you, but then again I'm not going to write a five year autobiography am I? I came here looking for help to forgive my girlfriend as she has forgiven me. Not everyone can forgive so easily. I WISH I could forgive so easily, I know I will in time because i do love my girlfriend. She has had a lot more time to get over what i did, she said she knew i was seeing someone when we were apart. She just dropped this bombshell on me 3 weeks into our supposedly 'honest and truthful' re-relationship. And she wouldn't have even told me if i didn't ask her again.

I asked her why she did it. She said she was 'confused and hurt'. She said he came over to her and she told him about us. Naturally the c*nt took advantage of that, and she let herself into the situation. She said she stopped him during sex, and said it didn't feel right and it was 'horrible'. I know she's with me now, but capable of doing something like that and keeping it from me, which i never would have believed. So what else can i believe? She said she didn't want to tell me cos she knew how I'd react and that she was going to tell me eventually. I'm just having trouble forgiving that, the same night i broke up with her, after five years, am i supposed to be okay about it or something? I didn't come here hoping for some kind of sympathy as a big victim of the situation. For sake i know what I've done. Some of you people make it sound so simple and easy, and it probably is when your just reading a bunch of words from a complete stranger who's life and relationship you know only from a few paragraphs on the internet. Your quick to pass judgement of me. I want to forgive my girlfriend so bad and get over it and on with our relationship, i was hoping for some help with that but clearly i am the 'monster' here now. So maybe i won't find much help here after all.

You are not a monster here, but it is pretty hypocritical to come here tell us how she forgave you, no questions asked, and then you couldn't find it in your heart to forgive her.

You are trying to hard to find blame in her, you are trying to hard to find blame in yourself. You need to let the hurt and anger go, so that you can create a healthy relationship with her again. These are not decisions she would have made had the circumstances been different. That said, you can't change the past, you can focus on it, until it eats you up, or you can move apart from it and learn the value that you take from your relationship.

If you love your girlfriend then you love EVERY PART of her, perfect or not. She messed up, you did to, it's time to move on from that. Focusing will only continue the heartache.

[UnluckyDucky]

I know I'm to blame, I did not want countless replies pointing out the obvious.

If you did something wrong, we're going to call you out on it. You need to understand your role in your current situation - and it appears that you do.

I also believe I am not some monster, which is easy for everyone to imply when they don't know a lot of the facts (like you don't know anything about my girlfriend and our past). I guess you can only work with what I give you, but then again I'm not going to write a five year autobiography am I?

Of course not - but you've explained more of the situation so that's fine. You will receive feedback based on what information you provide.

I came here looking for help to forgive my girlfriend as she has forgiven me. Not everyone can forgive so easily. I WISH I could forgive so easily, I know I will in time because I do love my girlfriend. She has had a lot more time to get over what I did, she said she knew I was seeing someone when we were apart. She just dropped this bombshell on me 3 weeks into our supposedly 'honest and truthful' re-relationship. And she wouldn't have even told me if I didn't ask her again.

What is there to forgive? As others have stated before, you two were not in a relationship during the time these events transpired. She doesn't owe you an explanation to you in regards to anything that was done OUTSIDE the relationship.

I know she's with me now, but capable of doing something like that and keeping it from me, which I never would have believed. So what else can I believe? She said she didn't want to tell me because she knew how I'd react and that she was going to tell me eventually.

Try to put yourself in her shoes and walk around in them a bit. She was confused, hurt, feeling down and rejected. She made some poor choices and most likely feels ashamed about them. I can completely understand her showing hesitation in telling you.

I'm just having trouble forgiving that, the same night I broke up with her, after five years, am I supposed to be okay about it or something? I didn't come here hoping for some kind of sympathy as a big victim of the situation. For sake I know what I've done. Some of you people make it sound so simple and easy, and it probably is when your just reading a bunch of words from a complete stranger who's life and relationship you know only from a few paragraphs on the internet. Your quick to pass judgement of me.

You asked for what our thoughts were and now you that you get them you become extremely defensive. Sorry, but if you did something stupid, I'm going to call you out on it - and if I do something stupid, I in turn expect to be called out on it.

I want to forgive my girlfriend so bad and get over it and on with our relationship, I was hoping for some help with that but clearly I am the 'monster' here now. So maybe I won't find much help here after all.

I don't think you're a monster - however I do think you're still not fully accepting the consequences of your actions and you're making a big deal out of something you have no right to be. You say you want to forgive your girlfriend - I say there's nothing to forgive. The moment we officially bring an end to a relationship, what the other person goes on to do from there is none of our business and we should not be concerned about it. Can you realistically expect someone to act faithful to you if you're not in a relationship? I think you already know the answer to this though...

Let me ask you this - what is the REAL reason why this bothers you so much? Is it because she's not the person you thought her to be? Are you angry at the fact that she could "move on" so easily? Do you honestly think you have the right to be mad at her for something she did outside of your relationship?

[talaniman]

This will only be a big of a deal as you make it. You can get mad as you want about everyone judging you, but really it was to show you the way others see your behavior. Take it to heart and forgive yourself and her, and in time it will get better.

[EasyRider]

Let me ask you this - what is the REAL reason why this bothers you so much? Is it because she's not the person you thought her to be? Are you angry at the fact that she could "move on" so easily? Do you honestly think you have the right to be mad at her for something she did outside of your relationship?

Right, thanks UnluckyDucky.

Yes, the real reason, and the reason I have explained, is just that. In this regard, it seems as though she is not that same person any more, and I'm scared she might not be the person I love, because the person I love was not capable of doing that. I talked to her about this, she said she's still the girl I fell in love with, she's 'still mine', she said it was a mistake. Yes, I'm angry at how quickly she moved on. I mean, this was the very same day. As I've said, I am accountable for all this s**t-heap of a problem, I felt it necessary, but the very same day I broke up with her she did this. Is that really 'acceptable', regardless of the fact we weren't together? I cannot get over that so easily. She even sent me a text that night telling me she will always love me, right after midnight (new years) - is that WHILE she was flirting with this 'guy'? Let's not forget that we are back together now, and had been for three weeks, it was only last week I discovered she had done this. Those are the issues I'm having trouble getting over. That is all I am trying to forgive. And I want to so badly. I know she has a tendency to tell me what I want to hear, which is something else that just makes it so much more difficult in times like these. Like telling me she stopped it during sex with this guy. Should it be true, that is a big deal to me and would make it so much easier to forgive. I hate to say the word 'forgive' now, because as you have all said, there isn't so much for me to forgive. I'll say 'get over it', it would make it so much easier for me to get over it, knowing she had that self-respect and inner strength to stop something I previously believed she would never carry out.

Call me what you will, that is just how I feel.

[Justwantfair]

You are in a difficult situation. What you need to do now is evaluate your ability to "get over it" and move on. Whether you want this women in your life. Work on how to get past this. It's possible, but it is all dependent on you. Don't stay if you can't move on, you will only be punishing her more. You have to know that she is ashamed and hurting just as much as you are right now.