5 Years, Break-Up, Back Together - Now I'm Devastated.
Please forgive the rather large post, but it will be worth the read, and i really appreciate any help and advice you can provide! This is a big moment in my life and im looking for all the support i can get.
Me and my girlfriend are both 20, and we have been together for five years, a long time from such a young age. She was my first, but I wasn't hers.
A week before Christmas, I proposed a break. I was having feelings of resentment, and felt I had been in this relationship for too long. On new years eve, I decided to end it. Terrible timing I know, but what can you do? I couldn't string her along any longer. It was unfair.
I knew a girl who liked me, a co-worker who I'd worked with since the beginning of December, she was a few years older than me, and we had been out on multiple Christmas meals with the whole company. She was quite a flirt and flirted with the other co-workers, but me mostly, and I knew she quite fancied me. I told her my situation, and she told me we could just 'see' each other. I knew her pretty well, and knew a lot about her as we'd talked quite a lot. To cut a long story short, we eventually had sex, and went on a date (I took her to the cinema) mid-january or so. Then, I was just sitting at home, and it began to just hit me how much I missed my girlfriend.
I knew how empty my life had felt the 4 weeks we'd been apart, but I hoped it would pass, and I was seeing another girl. I was doing new things like hitting the gym regularly and seeing friends a bit more, but I wanted my girlfriend back. I knew she was one of a kind. Loyal, respectful, beautiful, intelligent and we'd been through SO much together, we'd grown up together. The more I thought about her the more I wanted her back. I knew that when I ended it with her it would devastate her, as she was always extremely loving towards me, and told me things like 'she would marry me' and had talked about moving out with me etc before I broke up with her. I knew she really loved me. It was just as hard for me to end it with her.
Anyway, here's the big part. I had to see her and couldn't push my feeling aside any more. I went to her house and went in and told her how I was feeling. I knew I wanted her back, but I also wanted closure on the feelings I was still having, I wanted to know if she could take me back or not. I knew if I got back with her I wouldn't feel comfortable keeping anything from her as I never did, so I told her EVERYTHING, from the girl I was seeing, to the sex, to the date, to what I'd been doing since. She didn't seem very bothered, probably because she was so happy to see I wanted her back. A day or two later, she told me she wanted me back. So we did get back together.
During our first week or so, we had a BIG serious talk about what went wrong etc and how we could make this better. During which I asked if she had been with anyone else. I'd seen her Facebook pictures from when we were apart, going out clubbing and pictures of her dancing with strangers at the clubs etc, which just wasn't the girlfriend I knew, but I put it aside. She told me she hadn't done anything with anyone.
Last week, I proposed another talk. Something just didn't feel right. We had a long talk, I told her I loved her more than ever now, I hope we can make this work etc. Then just as we were getting into bed I asked her 'so you really didn't get with anyone while we were apart?' and she said 'well, there was this one guy'. I flipped.
Three weeks we'd been together, and only now she just tells me, after I had had sex with her, been out with her, I was always honest with her during out relationship, never lied, cheated etc. Nothing. I told her EVERYTHING the day I got back with her. She told me to my face she had done nothing. I knew from her clubbing pics she had turned into something else while we were apart. I made her tell me everything.
The worse part is, she had sex with this complete stranger the night I broke up with her, new years eve. Some 26 year old bloke. I broke down, I cried, I was sick, I knew she had changed but I never expected her to do something like this. I know she was devastated when I broke up with her, but in my opinion, that is no excuse. She had sex with him without a condom, and we even went to the clinic together to get checked as she had some problems. Thankfully the results were clean.
She said she stopped him half way through, and told me she didn't feel right, she says it was 'horrible' and she just wanted me. She says she stopped it, but I'm not sure I believe it! I really feel that if she had stopped it, then she might still have more self-respect than I can account her for right now, otherwise I just don't know. I never thought my baby would be capable of doing something like that, I feel like I don't know her. She is so in love with me I know, and I love her too, but I am having real trouble getting over this and how my girlfriend acted. I know all too well I am accountable for this big mess, and I know I had sex with someone else while we were apart, but at least I KNEW this person, at least it wasn't the day we broke up (and a fair time after), at least I used a condom, at least I didn't hook-up with a complete stranger, take them back to my sisters house and screw them like she did. I never expected her to do this, and I'm just having trouble coming to grips with it and believing I can go on with my girlfriend still or is this going to eat at me forever onward? I know I love her, but I'm just worried about what she's capable of!
Thanks for reading. What are your thoughts?