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jazz8701 · Feb 15, 2009, 02:17 PM

Hi all,

I am a 21 year old woman who has been in a complex, yet wonderful relationship with a man who is 23 years old. We have been together for 16 months... although it has been on/off at times. Now when I say the relationship is complex, it is because we are both south asian, but of very different opposing religions. We love each other insanely, but our love is one that our families would not approve of. We basically, could never be together forever.

Anyway, I have been quite down over the past few days because my boyfriend has gone away overseas for two months to get involved in some charity work. He left a few days ago and I have been missing him terribly. Now, I know his email password, although he doesn't know that I do. I just happen to know, because he uses the same password for everything. Even so, I never ever have gone into his emails. However, for some reason I decided to go into his inbox today, I don't know why... I think it's just because I miss him a lot.

Once I'd signed on, everything seemed perfectly fine... until I came to a bit of mail from September 2008 that was from a gay dating site. It was a password reminder request. I immediately thought nothing of it; my guy is a very typical kind of guy, he's into very (dare I say it) 'straight' things, and I have never ever had reason to think that he could be gay. So I just assumed that it must have been a joke of some kind, that either he was playing on a friend, or someone was playing on him. So I ignored it at first. But then I couldn't help myself... and I logged into this gay dating site account of his.

What I saw shocked me. There were two new messages from last month, one saying "i thought we were meant to meet up?", and another saying "I've sent u so many messages, when are we meeting?". When I went further into his messages, I found some other old saved messages... one which really freaked me out saying "I can't meet you tonight, I have work in the morning, but call me". Others were communicating where they were from, and their telephone numbers. His profile states that he is bi and looking for 1-to-1 or group sex.

So I began to think, OK... he is just a curious guy. But then I saw an account logbook type thing, which said he's logged in 56 times, and sent around 79 messages to other users in total.

I am soooo distraught, I don't know what to do. I thought I knew my guy, but clearly I've been clueless to his second life. I can't prove that he has been sleeping with men, but it does seem that way. What do I do? It's tough because he is away for 2 months, and I don't want to disturb his trip. At the same time, I don't want to confront him, because I was so wrong to have gone in his emails in the first place. Another thought is, should I just walk away.. Like I said at the start, we can't stay together forever, so perhaps I should just leave without a word? And what if I am totally wrong about him being gay? Maybe he is just curious?

Please give me your opinions, I would be so grateful.

Xx

sylvan_1998 · Feb 15, 2009, 02:49 PM

Get yourself checked for disease right away.

jazz8701 · Feb 15, 2009, 03:20 PM

Yes, that is one of the first things I thought... I am visiting a clinic first thing in the morning.

Fr_Chuck · Feb 15, 2009, 03:33 PM

Did you ask him about it ?

jazz8701 · Feb 15, 2009, 03:40 PM

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Did you ask him about it ?

No, he is away for 2 months, doing charity aid, and only left two days ago. I would normally ask, but I don't feel right doing so while he's on such an important trip.

Mymama · Feb 15, 2009, 03:41 PM

I would confront him. You have every right to know. He is putting you at risk.

neverme · Feb 15, 2009, 03:46 PM

Well your very calm and understanding. I don't know if I would be able to be.

This relationship is over, so it's up to you walk away or confront him but either way you can't continue in the relationship.

I'd confront him, but that's just me.

talaniman · Feb 15, 2009, 03:52 PM

You have enough evidence to do the right thing for yourself... dissapear from his life!

jazz8701 · Feb 15, 2009, 04:03 PM

Thank you all, I will definitely confront him... but if that will be now or after his trip, I don't know. I think I will have to see how I feel. But it is very true, he is putting me in danger. I am so fearful that it won't be the end of us though.

neverme · Feb 15, 2009, 04:33 PM

It is and has to be the end of you. He lied to you and cheated on you. This is unacceptable.

talaniman · Feb 15, 2009, 04:35 PM

I am so fearful that it won't be the end of us though.

That would be up to you.

jazz8701 · Feb 15, 2009, 05:12 PM

Originally Posted by neverme

It is and has to be the end of you. He lied to you and cheated on you. This is unacceptable.

I really hate to sound like I am defending him, but I don't actually know if he has cheated on me for sure. I just know that he is up to something.

Also, this is going to sound sooo damn childish, but I just spoke to him on the phone briefly, and asked if he has ever slept with anyone else but me since we've been together... I said that I am going to the clinic tomorrow, and that if he needed to tell me anything, he should tell me now. He swore on my life, his mothers, brothers, fathers and family's life that he has never slept with anybody else but me since we have been together.

Like I said, I don't want to seem like I am defending him but he would never say that unless he meant it because he cherishes his family so much.

Nevertheless, I will still confront him... I just need to figure out how and when.

neverme · Feb 15, 2009, 06:38 PM

Well best of Luck.

talaniman · Feb 15, 2009, 09:06 PM

So I began to think, OK... he is just a curious guy. But then I saw an account logbook type thing, which said he's logged in 56 times, and sent around 79 messages to other users in total.

Ask him about what you found!

smoothy · Feb 16, 2009, 06:20 AM

He's definitely Bi and hasn't been upfront about it to you.

Ren6 · Feb 16, 2009, 08:04 AM

There certainly is a possibility that he hasn't yet slept with a guy, but the kind of curiosity that would drive him to start an account and send that many messages? That's a pretty strong curiosity, and it doesn't bode well for your relationship. I would confront him with what you found and end things now. If his "bi" feelings are this strong, he's going to experiment sooner or later. This isn't something that just goes away.

Good luck...

neverme · Feb 16, 2009, 08:06 AM

Being bi doesn't make you a cheater, being a liar does.

He lied. That's the bottom line.

chrissymarie · Feb 16, 2009, 01:49 PM

Don't be so non chalant about this... YOU SHOULD BE FREAKING OUT! What's wrong with you girl?? You've just discovered your man is cheating on you with multiple men and is on a gay dating site to have group sex! Do you think he hasn't already had group sex?? Do you think you immune to AIDS?? You have justifiable reason in the world to disppear from this man and death for this man is even considerable to me... ( I DO NOT THINK YOU SHOULD KILL HIM)... But I'm sure in some countries death penalty would be considered.

Every step forward you make should be mad with the ultimate goal of leaving this man and finding out if you have STD's. When he comes back you should confront him one time and bring the wrath of hell on him then leave lhim officially. He seriously doesn't even deserve to be able to date.

jazz8701 · Feb 16, 2009, 02:11 PM

Wow, thank you guys. I am so so thankful for all your responses. It's amazing how sometimes you have to turn to strangers for advice! Thank you.

I think I was so numb last night, and was trying so hard to think of excuses and reasonable explanations. But the bottom line is that he is lying badly, and that in itself is awful... more so is the fact that hehas kept me so in the dark about his sexuality.

The hardest part is waiting for him to come back to I can end this . I am so tempted to end it sooner, but I know he had been waiting his whole life for this particular trip so I would feel terrible to ruin it (I don't know WHYYY I care so much!! ).

Also, I've just checked his inbox... 3 new messages asking when they're going to meet. I feel disgusting.

chrissymarie · Feb 16, 2009, 02:19 PM

[QUOTE=jazz8701;1551948]

The hardest part is waiting for him to come back to I can end this . I am so tempted to end it sooner, but I know he had been waiting his whole life for this particular trip so I would feel terrible to ruin it (I don't know WHYYY I care so much!! ).
[QUOTE]

Excuse my french but "f" him and his trip! You should mess that up for him seriously. The probabillty that he's messed up you life forever with an STD like aids is so high... unless you 2 have been having protected sex the enitre relationship... but still that's not 100% safe. You need to really sit down and think about the reality of this situation. This is no time to be waiting orcaring about his feelings for gods sake. He doesn't care about you, your relationships sexual purity, your relationship, or even your health. Mess that trip up lgirl He deserves it for being such a MONSTER.