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tinybubbles · Feb 14, 2009, 08:42 PM

He's a coworker. We go for coffee everyday. A lot of times if I'm not there he doesn't go. Sometimes though he will and bring another colleague. We eat lunch together most days. When we were working from home due to office reno he got in the habit of calling me. He has told me I can call him anytime. We have not socialized outside of work at all, other than the phone calls. Most of those have included work talk. Yesterday he said he was going shopping and that I was welcome to join him so I did. I somehow wound up picking out a shirt for him to buy. I found that odd.

I'm married and he knows that. He's newly single. I am trying to figure out if he just wants a friend or something more? I've been with my dh for 15 years. So I forget how all this stuff works! :)

Left4dead · Feb 14, 2009, 08:47 PM

As I just left a post requarding my wife cheating, your waliking that line right now. If you continue that path your husband will be as devastated as I am. Think twice about what's really important in your life.

UnluckyDucky · Feb 15, 2009, 06:24 AM

I assume that you're happily married so I'd definitely be cautious and would almost go as far as to tell that you see him only as a friend as to not send any mixed signals if you feel he's attracted to you.

On the other hand, you stated that he was newly single, so it could just be that he wants a woman's opinion on what to pick out that might look good on him. I know that after my last breakup I leaned on my female friends for advice to change up my look and update my wardrobe.

sully123 · Feb 15, 2009, 07:54 AM

I suggest you don't go down that path, he is vulnerable right now, and you don't need that confusion in your life. Your married and I assume happy, it's off limits.

talaniman · Feb 15, 2009, 09:58 AM

If you keep things professional, you wouldn't have to worry about what he wants, but by being socially available, you give him the wrong signal. Back off that, before it gets messy.

Homegirl 50 · Feb 15, 2009, 10:08 AM

What he means should not even be a factor.
If you are happily married, you should not even be entertaining thoughts.
He is newly single and knows you are married. Don't make yourself too available to him, you don't want to be sending out signals that you are available.
Keep your conversations and visits "work related" only

tinybubbles · Feb 15, 2009, 11:23 AM

Well, I should have elaborated more I guess. I am very conflicted. I have been attracted to this man since I started working with him last year. (fwiw, he was in a common-law relationship that just ended a couple weeks ago when she left him.) I try not to put out signals but am now worried that I am. He's a great guy and I would love to have a friendship with him. But for the first time in 15 years I seem unable to want to keep things platonic. I've never had that problem with a man before. Most of my best friends are men and strictly platonic. I think this dude just wants friendship too and that I'm imagining he wants more. Would it be wrong to just come right out and say I'm crushing on him like some high school kid? That way we could lay all the cards on the table and it would be clear that I only want friendship, despite this crush. I run the huge risk of embarrassing myself but in some ways I think for my own sanity it would be worth it.

Btw, I don't hide any of this from my husband. He knows everything. He even knows that I find myself a little too attracted to someone I work with - but not who. He says he trusts me and knows I would never do anything immoral. I even find that weird... shouldn't he be worried or jealous?

Homegirl 50 · Feb 15, 2009, 11:31 AM

I think that is strange coming from your husband. I'm not understanding his being OK with your having a crush on another man and trusting you to make the right decision.

I think you need to ask yourself if you are willing to lose a 15 year marriage and good husband for someone you think you may have a crush on. You are playing with fire.
Keep your relationship with this man strictly work, unless of course cheating on your husband is not a big deal to you. Then ask yourself if you want to be with a man who has no problem being with another man's wife.
Re read both of your post and then think openly and hard about what you're asking.

Homegirl 50 · Feb 15, 2009, 11:34 AM

Another thing, if you are conflicted, that is the first sign that you need to leave this man alone.
You are a married woman with an extremely understanding husband, but you are married nevertheless and are putting your marriage at risk for a man that may not have a problem with seeing another man's wife. That should tell you something about his character.

talaniman · Feb 15, 2009, 02:36 PM

Your first duty is to honor your husband. Given the fact that he trusts you that much, you need to tell this co worker-"ain't nuthin' happenin', even though he probably is just being a needy friend because of the break up.

He even knows that I find myself a little too attracted to someone I work with - but not who. He says he trusts me and knows I would never do anything immoral. I even find that weird... shouldn't he be worried or jealous?

You have a golden partner, so act like it!

If you can't handle your feelings in a proper way, remove yourself from the situation.