[cancunchic]

I have known the person I am dating for seven years. He told me in November 08 that he wanted to date and that over the years it was too easy for both of us to come in and out of each others lives and he felt moving forward he should hold each other accountable... He said this knowing his mom was dying of cancer. I told him I was concerned about starting a relationship with everything we had going on in our lives as I was about to have surgery however he insisted.

She passed away 3 weeks ago. Two days ago he sent what appeared to be a blanket email, although it was only address to me... stating he was struggling with events of guilt regarding not only his moms death but his dads 2 years ago. Guilt that he has not seen his kids much as he had moved in with her to care for her until she died and that he was taking it out on his siblings. He said he did not want to interact with anyone. He said he was going to spend the weekend with his daughter (which coincidently is valentines weekend). He said he was depressed and was going to seek professional help.

I responded with a well thought out letter of encouragement and no pressure whatsoever for him to talk to me. I want to be there for him however I want to respect his need for space. I am really torn as to whether I should not contact him at all again or if I should... How long should I wait... a week... 2 weeks... etc? I am very concerned since he said he was depressed that shutting everyone is is not a good idea but do not want to chase him either.

What are your thoughts?

[Clough]

Hi, cancunchic!

I'm very sorry for your recent loss!

In my opinion, I think that you did the correct thing by writing him a letter without putting any pressure on him. It sounds like he's been through a lot with losing both of his parents in so short of a time as well as taking care of his mom before she died.

That was honorable of him to move in with his mom to take care of her. I can see why he's struggling with a number of things... It's not only you with whom he has to interact and deal, but some others also. With both of his parents now gone, I would think that there would be estate issues that need to be worked out and resolved, etc.

At least he did contact you to let you know what is going on in his mind. He does care about you, or he wouldn't have done that. It sounds like he has a pretty good head on his shoulders. His seeking out professional help, I think, is also a very wise thing to do, and I would give him credit for realizing that he needs professional help.

Right now, I would suggest waiting at least a few days to see if he responds to your letter. If after a few days of him not responding, then I would suggest just giving him a call to let him know that you are wondering how he's doing and that you care. I would also offer help, if he wants your help. If he doesn't really want to talk or even your help, then I wouldn't pressure him to do either of those things.

This is just going to take some time and patience on your part, and most of all, love.

Thanks!