[chuff]

I work at a seasonal resort. Last year this woman I worked with would be really nice to me and ask me all kinds of questions about her boyfriend and the situations they were in. After a month or so she would then become a complete nutcase and start arguments with me and then we wouldn’t talk for weeks on end. I never thought anything of it, just that she was moody.

When I returned this year this same woman I work with told me that she had talked about me all winter to her family and was interested in me, and had been for part of last year. She wanted to take it slow and I agreed. Things were going along, well and about a month into our courtship some people we work with were calling her some really harsh things behind her back and I defended "Nicole." I ended the conversation by saying that if they had a problem with her maybe they should have me talk to her because I can relate to her.

The next morning, I told her about what happened and she went off on me. For about 10 minutes she yelled that she didn't need me to fight her battles and that she could take care of herself. Obviously, I was in shock because I had just defended her the day prior and she didn't give a damn.

After that we quit talking to each other but I found out through her friend that she was deeply depressed over what happened. She would even come in when I was working and just stare at me and on send me an funny email every now and then. Her friend told me this several times for a the two weeks or so. I told her friend all she had to do was apologize but she never did. Then I found out she said she was still with her old boyfriend, which lead me to believe that she blew me off to go back to him.

The strange thing was she would still stare at me when she came in, try and start unusual conversations, or send me funny emails in a effort to try and reach out to me. Being that I wasn't about to cave in for standing up for I just ignored her.

Well about two weeks after this went by a new woman started working for our company and we have been hanging out since. This new woman is just a friend but apparently, "Nicole" believes that we are having sex and started telling her friends that. Nicole even pulled the new girl into an office, closed the door and point blank asked my new friend, "Are you *****ing him" When my friend denied what wasn't happening anyway "Nicole" just kept questioning why we were always hanging out, and so of course we must be hooking up. This went on for about 5 minutes. Well, of course this has created a lot of rumors and waves at work.

I emailed "Nicole" because I didn't want to start an verbal argument and told basically, that I didn't appreciate her the fact that she blew me off after I went to bat for her. I told her that if she had a problem she should take it up with me and not out on anybody else.

While that email got us on talking terms again and eventually flirting and finally, an unspoken interest that neither one of us would acknowledge or make a move on. Finally one morning, I sat her down for about 30 minutes and told her point blank that I knew she had feelings for me and I knew that I was unlike any other guy she ever met. I told her that the most guys just like her for her looks so she can get whatever she wants with them and then get rid of them without remorse because she grows tired of them. When that happens they come begging back and I have never done that. I, on the other hand have never wanted her for body or looks but for her personality and that scares her because she doesn’t know how to handle it. She became very quiet when I said that. I pointed out to her that every time I’ve gotten close to her and I’ve crossed her comfort zone she pushed me away. But unlike every other guy she’s ever done that too, I always stayed on her mind. Emotionally I never left. She just smiled and looked away. I knew I was right then. I went over ever situation between us and then said to her at the end, “You can run from me, but how long can your run from yourself.” Her mouth literally dropped open and I just walked away. During the whole conversation she sat in complete silence (which if you know this girl is pretty hard for her to pull off) so I knew I was onto something.

About a week ago our mutual friend point blank asked her what was going on between us and she admitted that she felt like she really liked me a lot and really wanted to be with me. The following day she asked me out and said that she was going to open up with me. She stood me up for the date. Two days later she starts a conversation with me by asking what really happened with this other girl. After I told her that nothing happened she then told me that she didn't want to get into another relationship and that nothing was ever going to happen between us.

So again I got pushed away and again I find out she’s gone back to her ex-boyfriend. A woman we work with point blank told her, “You are a fool.” for turning me away. Two woman who are her friends insist that we are going to wind up together someday because she really likes me but she’s hiding it and she‘s afraid. At this point I couldn't care less, I’ve given her enough chances, and I have verbalized that point.

I have now quit talking to her and now again I have caught her staring at me. The other day she sent me an forwarded email about friendship and then she told her roommate that I was mad at her because she stood me up. Nicole neglected to tell her roommate that SHE told me nothing was ever going to happen between us. I’m not even sure why because that would have made herself sound better than to admit she stood me up.

I'm sorry for making this so long but my questions are,
1. What is going on here?
2. Why does she keep giving me mixed signals?
3. Why does she tell her friends one thing and then treat me differently?
4. Should I talk to this girl at work? Should I at least be on friendly terms or should I just continue to ignore her?
5. And to me perhaps the most important question, how can I maintain control over this situation.

[ilovcali]

1. I think nothing is going on here. She likes you maybe, but can't commit. Sounds like even if she did commit, she's so moody, she'll have second thoughts at some point and drive you nuts.

2. She's confused = trouble for you if you try and date her.

3. She has major confusion and issues. See 2.

4. I think it might be a bad idea based on how she reacts to you having any female friends. She just sounds like a nut case so I'd leave her alone.

5. Leave her alone. That way there won't be any situation.

[Krs]

'nicole' sounds like a total nut job to me!!

[Wildcat21]

Dude - get a clue... total, complete nut case. Drama Queen. Massive issues. Needs a therapist. Nut job.

"She stood me up for the date." - of course she did. Iknew that was coming before you wrote it. You're a nice guy - sucker. I am sure her boy friend is a bad-boy that treats her terribly, but she can't get enough of him. No question.

She loves the attention you give her... but wants nothing to do with you romatically.

Do not have anything to do with her... she's playing you - you're her play thing.

She is crazy - literally.

[talaniman]

The best way to have total control over this situation is to leave this crazy female completely alone. It appears your most of the problem for ignoring all the signs of erratic behavior in the first place and listening to her friends? Absolute no-no!

[s_cianci]

The questions you ask have no easy answers and are not what you need to concern yourself with anyhow at this point. Nicole is much more than just "moody" ; she has severe emotional issues that no doubt require professional intervention and medication. Until she addresses these I'd stay clear from her and forget all about her. You don't need that kind of drama in your life. The stress that results from this type of "relationship" makes it not worth it. There are plenty of stable women out there ; find yourself one of those and get off this crazy roller coaster ride that Nicole's taking you on.

'nicole' sounds like a total nut job to me!!!!

Yes - to tell it like it is! Sad but true.

[chuff]

THANK YOU all for your advice.

This morning her friend told me that she said I was treating her with malice by not talking to her. I just laughed and said, "sure" and changed the subject. I'm no longer even going to talk about her through her friends.

I thought that ignoring her was the best approach but I thought I should ask for some help outside this situation. I will continue to ignore her and I again I thank you all.

[valinors_sorrow]

THANK YOU all for your advice.

Well done for listening.

This morning her friend told me that she said I was treating her with malice by not talking to her. I just laughed and said, "sure" and changed the subject. I'm no longer even going to talk about her through her friends.

Bravo for knowing who you are, knowing the real definition of malice and knowing it doesn't apply to you. You are proving "manipulation-proof" which is a very good sign here!

I thought that ignoring her was the best approach but I thought I should ask for some help outside this situation. I will continue to ignore her and I again I thank you all.

Nice to see someone get it so easliy -- no fuss, no muss, lesson learned. That was a delight to read. Thank you Chuff :)

[chuff]

Dude - get a clue.....total, complete nut case. Drama Queen. Massive issues. Needs a therapist. Nut job.

"She stood me up for the date." - of course she did. Iknew that was coming before you wrote it. You're a nice guy - sucker. I am sure her boy friend is a bad-boy that treats her terribly, but she can't get enough of him. No question.

She is crazy - literally.

Ok, I'm feeling like a fool for asking this but I think I need to for my own sanity in the future. How did you know she stood me up before I wrote it? I mean she asked me out. I didn't ask her. Furthermore, it was her who told her friend she was going to ask me out and open up with me. How can I better see something like this coming in the future?

Secondly, your right, I am the nice guy and a sucker. I can tell you that nice guys do finish last. Do you have any suggestions on how to change, because it's just so ingrained in my personality that I think I'm kind of cursed for life like this.

[Wildcat21]

Sorry - I am blunt- but I do call it as I see it.

Because... she's a nut job and has had you on a string. And YES I can tell you are a 'nice guy' - she KNOWS you are a 'nice guy'. She a woman who needs a lot of attention and plays guys. She seems to eat men for breakfast - no pun intended.

AND YES you can changed. You are NOT cursed. You just don't know the RULES, the proper way to act, and you espcially are clueless about women.

I have a lot that I can help you with to get over the 'nice guy' stuff - and it's NOT becoming a jerk. It's becoming ga 'good guy'.

Check out these sites:

www.askmen.com = read EVERY article on dating and relationships.

www.sosuave.com - read everything.

[chuff]

The best way to have total control over this situation is to leave this crazy female completely alone. It appears your most of the problem for ignoring all the signs of erratic behavior in the first place and listening to her friends? Absolute no-no!

How very sad and yet very true. I am just as much to blame because your right, I could have saved myself a lot of pain. Actions do speak louder than words and hopefully I can remember that in the future. It just sucks when your caught up in the situation and even worse when you care about her because you start making excuses for her behavior. It's a "you can't see the forrest through the trees" situation.

[Wildcat21]

Trust me on this one - she doesn't care about you... she wants the attention - and when you shut it off - she gets mad. But, until you change your act, she will NEVER have a romantic interest in you.

[chuff]

Well done for listening.

Bravo for knowing who you are, knowing the real definition of malice and knowing it doesn't apply to you. You are proving "manipulation-proof" which is a very good sign here!

Nice to see someone get it so easliy -- no fuss, no muss, lesson learned. That was a delight to read. Thank you Chuff :)

Thank you for your kind words. I can always use them. It seems like a no brainer when you read my original post but when your living it and you want things to go a different way it really sucks and you start making excuses for her behavior. It doesn't help that her friends are on my side and they keep encouraging me, which only gives me false hope. I'm now seeing that she has been manipulating them as you have pointed out. That's why I had to turn to people outside the situation for advice. They can see better what's going on her. Thanks again for your kind words.

Trust me on this one - she doesn't care about you....she wants the attention - and when you shut it off - she gets mad. But, until you change your act, she will NEVER have a romantic interest in you.

I trust you. I hate to admit this as an grown adult but I still have so much to learn about women. It just sucks when you get to the end and realize you've been so stupid the whole time. I've literally done everything wrong which as I look back I now I realize. The only thing is she is the one who always pushes me away, I don't push her away, so I don't know why she gets mad. It's her decision to push me away, it' mine to not give her the time of day. I like this site because those not wrapped up in the situation can see better than I can.

[Wildcat21]

You keep putting the ball in her court... keep the ball in your court. You hold the cards - not her.

Just leave her alone and see what happens. Barely a hi - IF you run into her.

[Bronica]

Im sure your not likeing the answers you've gotten so far.?. But there all along the same lines.. "nut/crazy" But I don't think that's it... Im getting the impression she's "well off" which don't get me wrong doesn't make her really better the you, but out of you league. "birds of a flock fly together" she's assamed of you! I mean that ranks up there will having a fling w/"the pool boy" Things just like that aren't welcomed in "there" society. But none the less she does have feelings for you.. be them for the right reason or not. I think procedding on w/this would only set you up for a let down. Besides who wants to live w/"its hs wifes money,he married into bucks,not sure what he provides,extc." now sure love can concur all.. but are you strong enough for the ride? And at this point I don't think your going to get the respect and honest love you deserve. But wouldn't be great if your fairy tale came true?

[ilovcali]

^^ Huh? How did you figure that out from what chuff posted? She's a nut, whether she's "well-off" or not. And how does her actions prove she's well-off? What are you talking about?

[J_9]

I have to agree, HUH? From what I have read it seems like Chuff DOES like the answers he has gotten so far.

I am curious if Bronica read the entire thread.

And, correct me if I am wrong, but I thought the saying is "birds of a feather flock together."

Chuff, you are doing great keep it up. I am one of those rare women who LIKES a nice guy. So be sure to know that there are women out there looking for nice guys.

[chuff]

Im sure your not likeing the answers youve gotten so far.?. But there all along the same lines.."nut/crazy" But i dont think thats it...Im getting the impression shes "well off" which dont get me wrong doesnt make her really better the you, but out of you league. "birds of a flock fly together" shes assamed of you! I mean that ranks up there will having a fling w/"the pool boy" Things just like that arent welcomed in "there" society. But none the less she does have feelings for you..be them for the right reason or not. I think procedding on w/this would only set you up for a let down. besides who wants to live w/"its hs wifes money,he married into bucks,not sure what he provides,extc." now sure love can concur all..but are you strong enough for the ride? and at this point i dont think your going to get the respect and honest love you deserve. But wouldnt be great if your fairy tale came true?

Ouch! Well I'm not sure where your getting that impression or if I completely understood everything you were trying to say. I appreciate your take and your honesty but if you could offer some more insight I would like to hear it.

For the record I make more money than she does, hold a college degree (she does not)and have a better future ahead of me and I hold a higher position in the company we work for. I am also well liked by most and she is considered "a *****." She doesn't have many friends and the ones she does have, she lies to and they feel sorry for her but can't understand why she continues to run back to this emotional abuser.

I tend to agree with most everyone else in that she is nuts. Or to put it in more politically correct terms she has some deep emotional issues and is afraid of commitment and completely insecure which is why she continues to run back to a boyfriend she's had on and off for years no matter how bad he treats her. That's her comfort zone and the only pillar she's had in years so no matter what he does she can't or won't escape it. I think one of the things that has happened over the last 2 years is he will dump her and she comes to me, who gives her a little confidence or attention and then she runs right back to him when he pulls her back in. When that happens she pushes me away and then she winds up in regretting that after he starts treating her like dirt again.

SHE is also the one who presude me originally. SHE is the one who told me she had feelings for me last season but hid them. SHE is the one who told her friends she was interested in me. SHE is the one who talked about me all winter to her family. SHE is the one who stares at me when she comes in. SHE is the one who gets jealous when she thinks I'm seeing someone else or even talking to another woman. SHE is the one who is still complaining to her two friends if I don't even say hello to her.

I'm the one who made excuses for her behavior. I'm the one who tried to rationalize away her lies. I'm the one who's always felt sorry for her and tried to help her out. Yeah, unfortunately for my love life anyway, I'm the nice guy. I've ignored so many red flags with this individual and tried to rationalize them away because, yeah you got me, I cared. Obviously I cared too much, and continued to hold onto false hope.

As long as my original post was you must realize I left a lot out and as I really look back without my blinders on a lot of what the posters here were saying started making the picture clear. Unless you have some insight they don't have, she's nuts. She's insecure. She's insane. She's a wack job. She deserves the life she leads and I deserve the peace that comes from not having her in mine.

I've said in a couple of my posts but it what makes coming to a website like this so great is you can get honest answers from people who can look at your situation without an emotional attachment from the outside in, as opposed to me from the inside out with my emotions wrapped up in the situation.

^^ Huh? How did you figure that out from what chuff posted? She's a nut, whether she's "well-off" or not. And how does her actions prove she's well-off? What are you talking about?

Cali, your right. She's a nut. And that post confuses me too.

[JoeCanada76]

Maybe she is a nut job in disguise. Maybe this --------- one is the one you need to avoid. Lol

Fairy tale ending I do not think so.

You have had excellent advice all the way through except for the -------- one.

I hope you remain friends with the new girl, even with the threats and behaviour from the other girl. That would be a shame if that friendship was lost or strained because of the behaviour of somebody else.

Good luck with everything and yes, ignore and stay away. Going back and forth and trying to be friendly with somebody that does not know up from down will just mess you up and interfere with your work and other workers.

Joe

[chuff]

I have to agree, HUH? From what I have read it seems like Chuff DOES like the answers he has gotten so far.

I am curious if Bronica read the entire thread.

And, correct me if I am wrong, but I thought the saying is "birds of a feather flock together."

Chuff, you are doing great keep it up. I am one of those rare women who LIKES a nice guy. So be sure to know that there are women out there looking for nice guys.

J_9,

Thanks for your feedback. Yeah you are correct, I do like the answers I've gotten and they confirmed what I already knew but was didn't want to accept. It always sucks when you like someone more than they like you, especially when they presude you, but it's even worse when you start making excuses for them and there behavior and their lies.

Thanks for your kind words, I can't tell you and every other poster how much I really, really appreciate it. After a few months of living in that ridicules emotionally insecure world, I fell into it. Even though I'm still confused about the whole thing, I'm pulling myself back out and I continue to get better by the day. Thanks again.