[Taukame]

I was to met a friend of mine out on Wed night to work on some stuff for him on my laptop. I smoke and he doesn't so I asked him to get us a table while I stayed outside to smoke. After a couple of minutes he came back out and said that he wanted to just go home and do the work some other time. He seemed agitated. I just said okay. He left me there and walked away. Later I realized that I lost my keys.
(We have has what one could call a friends with benefits arrangement, but with a lot of respect and consideration for each other. We enjoy each other's company and talk on the phone a lot. We hang out when we have time and something comes up that will interest both of us. In his last relationship he ex cheated on him. I haven't been in a relationship in years and don't feel the need to be in one now.)
I called him to let him know that I had lost my keys and was basically stuck out at night until someone could bring my extra set. I called his cell phone several times and he didn't pick up. After about twenty minutes he answered and said that he was still out and about. I asked him why he left and he said that if I was going to try to talk to other men I should let him know and not try to sneak and do it.
After he said that I remembered that there was a security guard and a guy who worked in the market that were also out there at the same time as I was. The security guard told me that there had been rats seen in the area where I was sitting so I moved down closer to where they were. When then talked about a car that was parked with the door open and had been sitting there for a while. The security guard said he didn't notice the car and went over to check it out. The guy from the market makd a comment about the guard wasn't doing his job if he hadn't seen the car with the doors open. I made a comment to the guy basically agreeing with him. We had some other small talk and just as the market guy was leaving my friend came over and told me he wanted to go home.
I waited for about an hour from my brother to bring me my keys and had some time to think about the whole thing. I was pretty pissed that he would think that I would have to do anything sneaky for one, and I really couldn't understand why he was so upset. He has always agreed that our relationship would never be any more than what it was. After talking with him about this situation he denied being jealous, saying that he just felt that I was being sneaky. And if that was the case I should just be upfront with him.
Now I'm starting to wonder if I should just stop dealing with him all together, because 1. I don't think that he is being hones with me about his feelings, and 2. I really hate the fact that he accused me of being sneaky.
In my opinion he was jealous and acting like this was a relationship. What do you all think? It's been a while since I have been in a relationship so I'm not really sure I can trust my instincts on this.

[ilovcali]

Yes, he's jealous I think. And why wouldn't he be? Just because he's not your boyfriend, doesn't mean he doesn't feel the threat of losing the arrangement he has with you. Friends with benefits is pretty tough to negotiate. Someone usually develops feelings. Maybe the threat of losing you to someone else actually made him realize his feelings.

Have you ever thought he was going on with the arrangement because he didn't feel threatened until now? He was telling you he was fine with it because he hey, he's getting laid and he didn't really think you were going off with someone else. But when he saw that as a possibility, suddenly he got pissed because woah, you really meant what you said about the arrangement, and he thought he was OK with it. He's probably not as cool with it as you thought.

Stay away from him for awhile. Keep doing what you're doing, something is going to give and someone will get hurt and super pissed.

[Skell]

This is a perfect example of why friends with benefits very rarely works. One party in most cases always ends up developing feelings for the 'friend'. It seems to happen all the time.

Yes he is jelous. He acted like a jealous guy. This is what these arrangements bring.

Maybe you should chalk this up to a learning experince that these things don't work.

Did you never stop and think that maybe if you two are spending all this time together, hanging out, getting on so great that maybe he was developing feelings for you?

That doesn't necasarily excuse him for acting in this way if your arrangement was clearly set out from the begginning. But it is only natural that such feelings develop.

You should be honest with him and tell him that you don't have feelings for him in that way. Be honest. And if it means you two can't see one another anymore than that is the way it will have to be. You two have made this situation and you will have to live with the consequences.

Good luck!

[s_cianci]

Generally it's good to trust your instincts in any situation like this. This guy obviously has some serious issues to work out. All you did was hold a brief, innocent conversation with a security guard and a market worker. As it is, you and he, according to your own admission, are only "friends with benefits." His possessiveness and jealousy are unfounded and way out of line. I'd give him some space until he can deal with his insecurities in an upfront manner.

[aqua@home]

I too think that he must be getting jeolous. Any time there is sex involved for an extended period, I think feelings would eventually have to come into play. Maybe he just thought that if you were out with him for the night, you shouldn't be seeking other guys. Obviously that was how it looked to him. It's not right or wrong, I just think that feelings and attatchment may have entered the picture.

[Wildcat21]

Friends with benefits is a teerible idea... some always and for ever gets hurt... some one ALWAYS wants more... they always end bad...

THEY ARE EXTREMELY UNHEALTHY. DID YOU HEAR ME - EXTREMELY UNHEALTHY MENTALLY.

It's the freaking fast food society that created internet dating and quick relationships.

[maria26]

I would have to agree with everyone it is very unhealthy emotionally for the both of you... someone is bound to get hurt despite the agreement, cool it off for a while.

[Wildcat21]

Some one always gets hurt. When you are together with someone in intamacey there is always an attachment - always.

PLUS - with FWB - the other perso ncan sleep around - do you really want to have sex with someone who just had sex with someone else - probably a very dirty someone else??

[Taukame]

Thank you all for your input. I realize in hindsight that it was probably wasn't one of my best decisions. In defense of myself I guess I should let you know that FWB is his definition not mine. I'm really big on calling things what they are so I guess that's why I was so confused. We did go to a movie the other day but we didn't really talk about what had happened. He asked me if things were all right with us and I couldn't say with complete honesty that they were. I still feel some kind of way about him thinking that I would do anything sneaky. I am upfront about everything that I do and feel, I thought he would be the same way. I was thinking that if he wanted to changet the nature of our relationship he would have spoken up about it, especially since we talk honestly about everything else, and have even had dicussions about changing the nature of your relationship, and we both agreed that we should leave it as it is and if we found that we were interested in anybody else we could talk about that openly and honestly, so that neither of us feels the other is keeping secrets.
Now I don't feel like I can trust him as much anymore, and I don't know if we should have any kind of relationship at all at this point.

[Wildcat21]

Wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllll - time to talk!! Now!!

Communication is king.

I had a relationship way earlier this year END because ALL the gal did was assume things wit hout talking about it. She assumed everything!! And in the end IT WAS ALL WRONG!!

[Wildcat21]

You need trust, respect, balance, compromise... I don't think you two have ANY of those right now.

[talaniman]

Friends with benefits, huh! You both assumed too much! Where was the COMMUNICATION? TRUST? RESPECT? We all need that. So does he, and so do YOU!

[Wildcat21]

Yep - i am adding communicastions to the list!!

[Kadehadaire]

Poor guy, sounds to me like he has feelings for you.

[Wildcat21]

He does... and I think she could give a rats azz other than the sex

[Taukame]

Just an update. I haven't been able to get in touch with him in a while, I've tried to call, email and instant message. So I guess one could say I am no longer the friend with the benefit. And as far as me not giving a "rats azz", obviously I cared enough to at least try to find out what the problem was.
I was kind of put off by that comment. We were friends before any of this started and really don't understand, and I am not getting any feedback from him about what the problem was/is.
Do I miss my friend? Definitely. Do I miss the sex? Well, it was nice, but I could live without it. The more I think about it, the more I believe that the problem was not me. I was honest and open throughout, and he was the one who couldn't say what was on his mind. I feel bad about the way things have turned about, but there is no way for there to be open communication if one person does not do their part, and there is really no way to know if a person is telling you what's on their mind for real unless you are psychic, which I am not.

[Wildcat21]

OK... again - friend with benefits never works. It's dumb, it's for imature people, it's for for clueless people.

Sex is intemacy... good sex involves with someone you ACTUALLY care for.

[chuff]

OK....again - friend with benefits never works. It's dumb, it's for imature people, it's for for clueless people.

Sex is intemacy........good sex involves with somone you ACTUALLY care for.

This is so true and I know a lot of woman are going to disagree with me on this statement but I think that is why this guy is so turned off. For a woman she can show love and compassions through words and actions. For men we are taught from an early age not to show emotion and to us (at least me, personally) sex is a way to express how much you mean to someone else. That is why friends with benefits starts great but eventually the guy (if your truly friends and get along) will start to fall for a woman. He can never express it though with words because in his mind he is already expressing it with sex.

[Taukame]

I am not dumb, immature, nor clueless. That doesn't mean that the fwb situation works. I will have to say that it's not a situation where I don't care about this person, and I know that he cares for me. In this situation it really comes down to a person who can't say what's on his mind. Wildcat21, you keep talking about communication being the one of the most important things in a relationship, but what I want to know is how to tell if whether a person is really communicating his/her feelings with you or when they are just trying so hard to protect themselves that they can't move past the bs to the truth?
When you say that men are taught not to express themselves how are we ever going to be able to communicate?

[Wildcat21]

Howabout talking to him.

From all you'vve told us - there has been little if any talking.

I don't know what that guy is talking not expressing himself... I express myself wit hmy current gal well - I've learned.

Ypu got to talk with this guy if you want more... if not - move on.