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Stuart Z · Jan 27, 2009, 03:21 PM

My ex and I are finally okay seeing each other out and about. She needed some time to get over everything (whatever that means) I have missed her a great deal. I would like to have her back in my life, and I am sure she feels the same. She ended our relationship, so is it up to her to reach out to me? She may or may not be dating already, and that would bother me. So, I guess my motives to have her back in my life are not purely on a friendship level. Should I just leave it alone and wait for her? If I do email her or something what ought to be the dynamics of its content.

sully123 · Jan 27, 2009, 03:48 PM

It sounds like your not over her yet. So I suggest, it's not a good idea to meet and become friends. To me it sounds way too soon. GO out as hard as it is, and meet new friends to get your mind off her, for now. Yes, if she cares about you, let her contact you. But by no means put your life on hold for someone else.

roxypox · Jan 27, 2009, 03:56 PM

For your own sake, you should leave it alone, one thing is to see each other around and about... but if you want to be friends... with a hope (no matter how tiny) that it will become what it was, or at least that it will lead the two of you back together... then you should prob leave it alone...

And let yourself heal and what not.

And I really do agree with sully... do not put your life on hold for somebody else, don't wait for her, go on with your life and have fun, meet new people, old friends and enjoy life.

Personally I think life is way way too short for false hopes and maybes. ;)

neverme · Jan 27, 2009, 04:42 PM

Leave her alone, in all honesty you know you should.

Your setting yourself up to be knocked down.

Stop it, it's a lot harder to build yourself up a second time after going through it once.

So to conclude... NO! :p

moonbounce7 · Jan 27, 2009, 06:42 PM

I'm confused, you want her "back in your life" as a friend, or more? Since your motives are not "purely on a friendship level" you have to decide now: are you going to go after her again or not? I think that being friends will put you in a "ex-boyfriend that is purely a friend" category in her mind, and it will be hard to break out of that.

If it's true that you want her back as "more than a friend," do not write her an email about your feelings, it needs to be in person, or at least over the phone. I know it sounds scary. Obviously you don't say right away that you want to be with her again, you just say you want to get back in touch, maybe go out to lunch or something.

Stuart Z · Jan 28, 2009, 12:14 AM

My question is a little misleading. I didn't mean to wait for her to come back to me, rather should I wait for her to contact me.

Dare81 · Jan 28, 2009, 01:58 AM

Move on. There are a lot of other people worth your time out there. I am sure you will find somebody better

starbuck8 · Jan 28, 2009, 02:08 AM

Originally Posted by Stuart Z

My question is a little misleading. I didn't mean to wait for her to come back to me, rather should I wait for her to contact me.

No you should not wait for her. You have got ulterior motives, and you've said so. You are thinking that if you can get your foot in the door again, that you will be able to start something back up with her, under the guise of being just her friend. Those are called games, and they will not work. You never sit around and wait for someone to contact you, and no you do not send her an email or contact her otherwise. If she is going to contact you, she will. Bu if you wait for it, you're wasting your time. Move on unless you are a gluton for punishment.

zeeniee · Jan 28, 2009, 03:24 AM

Hi Stuart Z,

I think all the advices given above are the best. It is clear you still have feelings for her and so this friendship thing will not work- you will just end up hurting yourself more.

Instead you should start looking at You and your life- and start working on that instead

Good luck

kctiger · Jan 28, 2009, 06:23 AM

Originally Posted by Stuart Z

My question is a little misleading. I didn't mean to wait for her to come back to me, rather should I wait for her to contact me.

There ain't nothing wrong with waiting on a woman, as when you are in a relationship, 63% of that time is spent doing exactly this...

There is something wrong with waiting on a woman who isn't yours. That is what we call a huge WASTE of time.

Carry on... :cool:

Stuart Z · Jan 28, 2009, 10:48 PM

You are all probably right. All I know is that I miss having her in my life. Of course-this is what I must get used to. But, there are those times when I just want to shoot her an email or something. I know this break up has been very hard for her as well. I am sure that NC is probably the best way to get over it-but originally she still wanted me in her life-she was very upset when I told her I couldn't do that. Anyway, I will just stick to my guns for now and not contact her.

ISneezeFunny · Jan 28, 2009, 11:27 PM

I remember getting up 5 - 6 times a night and checking my phone JUST IN CASE my ex called me. She didn't, but that didn't stop me from checking.

Like all the other posters have said, staying friends with your ex will not end well, since you still have feelings for her.

talaniman · Jan 29, 2009, 07:27 AM

Anyway, I will just stick to my guns for now and not contact her.

Good plan, as what's the hurry to be friends any way? Most of us think that's the way to stay close, just in case they change their minds. They seldom do.

Stuart Z · Feb 11, 2009, 12:57 AM

Threads merged

So, its been close to a month and a half since she broke up with me. We went through most of the grieving process. First, I tried to get her back-got mad when she didn't. We tried to avoid each other in social situations-both trying to draw the "line in the sand" and avoided eye contact. She sent me an email asking me not to come around when she is around, 'it makes me very uncomfortable. I wish you'd just leave'. After a week of that and trying to avoid her I sent an email saying "I just won't come around at all" to which she responded with an email stating "I am sorry I guess I will just have to deal with seeing you...i am just being to sensitive..." She would have liked more time to get over all of "this". So, in the past week, when we see each other I'll break a half- smile and say hello. My problem is that I have a hard time separating myself from all of the intimate feelings. I can't just shut them off. I agree it would have been much easier to just go our separate ways-but that isn't the case here. When I see her it is as if she is now a different person-someone I will gradually have to get to know all over again-from a different angle. Its just that we shared SO much-I feel we are still connected in many ways. I know that time will weather those strings, but it doesn't feel right to let go.. I am not looking to date right now for obvious reasons. I wonder if she feels that same way towards me at all. I guess I want her to miss me, since she is the one who ended it. I'd like to let her know how I feel but what's the use. If I were asked if I wanted her back or not, I really couldn't answer. It will be as God intended it to be-whether its what I want or not. I am doing the NC as best as I could. If anyone has any suggestions of what they think I should do a)call b) don't call c) send an email, or d) just have faith. Please speak up. I realize many of my feelings are stemming from lonliness-. Thanks

kctiger · Feb 11, 2009, 07:02 AM

Originally Posted by Stuart Z

I am doing the NC as best as i could. If anyone has any suggestions of what they think i should do a)call b) don't call c) send an email, or d) just have faith. please speak up. I realize many of my feelings are stemming from lonliness-. thanks

And e) Stop going around her. You are not making this any easier on yourself. Use the faith to make yourself better, not to hopefully one day get her back.

Don't be afraid to be alone, rather be afraid of not loving yourself enough that you fear being alone.

slapshot_oi · Feb 11, 2009, 07:17 AM

Originally Posted by Stuart Z

She sent me an email asking me not to come around when she is around, 'it makes me very uncomfortable. I wish you'd just leave'.

Ooo that's rough.

With each break up, NC gets easier and easier, but I guess I can only speak for myself on that one. I was talking about this last night with my sister's boyfriend in how when we both were 18 we did exactly what you're doing now to our respective ex-girlfriends.

Do whatever you feel is right because no matter what you do you'll learn from this.

Romefalls19 · Feb 11, 2009, 07:26 AM

I like KC's option, but I see slapshot's side as well. We all learn from break ups and as each one happens, we learn from the mistakes we made before. It's a gut checking process that every person will go through.

Stuart Z · Feb 11, 2009, 11:13 PM

I understand that many folks on either end of a breakup may subconsciously (or not) go out of their way to "run into" their ex. This is NOT the case. There is a place where both of us do go; so running into or 'not' running into is not the issue. I just don't know how to act when I see her. One day the two of us were in each other's heart, mind and soul.Then "the breakup" -of course for the next few weeks there is anger, hurt, resentment-then that dies down a bit and your stomach doesn't drop to the ground every time her name is mentioned, or you see her. Maybe it is just as it is-there is no answer. No more moves to make-just two people running into one another as if nothing ever happened. Here is this person with whom so much was shared-now its over-so... maybe being civil is the only thing left to do. I cannot imagine actually getting back together. I am actually getting some things accomplished that was in the back burner. Where do we put the love?

ardahk · Feb 12, 2009, 03:49 AM

Stuart,

At the moment although you guys may love each other because of the history you shared, it just isn't the case anymore. To get rid of your feelings you need to not only continue doing NC, but believe that it is actually what you HAS to be done and what you WANT to help yourself get through this.

Get busy, chill out with friends, go out here and there and for the sake of sanity and not being lonely, go on date or little things with OTHER girls, preferably with no connection to your ex - you will see that the only thing you fear is being alone and that is the only thing stopping you moving on and doing WHAT YOU KNOW YOU SHOULD

So, en resumant, stop placing her on a pedestal and thinking so much of what she thinks because at the end of the day its not going to help you in the long run, it may be nice to hear her say she misses you or to hear that from friends but the truth is, all that's going to do it give you false hope, and you aren't going to move forward.

So I choose choice b)

talaniman · Feb 12, 2009, 05:21 AM

Maybe changing your routine, or habits may help, but the bottom line is to keep yourself busy doing other things. What did you do before you got with her? The point is a month is not enough time to get all those feelings behind you. Meeting new people through activities, and things you enjoy, will also give you a chance to move on, and deal with that loneliness in a positive way.