[summer718]

I met my *tristan, my ex, this past February at a party through mutual friends. We went on our first date on valentine's day. I wasn't attracted to him too much in the beginning, but after the first month he began growing on me. I began falling for him in a big way. We have many mutual friends, so when we hung out we would always spend time with our big circle of mutual friends. My semester was amazing and fun. At the beginning of may he asked me if I wanted to be "exclusive" - no dating or hooking up with others. I said yes. Toward the end of may, during finals, I noticed him texting *sarah often. I was a little jealous, but turned a blind eye because things between us were good. We always had a lot of fun together and enjoyed each others' company. He was always calling. Once finals were over, I left for home (two hours away). *tristan remained in our college town to work and attend summer classes. The first few weeks away from each other were okay between us, we still talked often and had good conversations. Two and a half weeks into summer, I went to visit him at school. There was drama that night - he looked through my cell phone and got jealous of a few guys I was talking to (as FRIENDS, although he assumed otherwise). I was furious *tristan would look through my phone. So I looked through his (without his knowledge) and saw text messages from *sarah. Some were similar to things he would text me, and my heart dropped. I turned a blind eye once again, and did not bring *sarah up. Went to visit him again two weeks later. Things were OK at first but at night we fought again - he still believed I was going behind his back and dating others, and I made it worse by trying to make him jealous by telling him I HAD gone out with other guys (which was a lie). The next time I visited, I told him I had lied, however, all he focused on was the fact that I lied and not the reason WHY (reason being I wanted to see if he still cared considering he hadn't been calling me and wasn't affectionate after I drove 2 hours to see him). I wrote him a letter explaining everything - he eventually accepted my apology.

I thought things were OK but after that calls became rarer and whenever I called he was too busy to talk. My birthday passed in between and I didn't get a present (after 4 months of dating), just a text message even though his birthday was a week before and I got him a present. I was one of the last to be invited to his 4th of July party a few weeks ago, although he swears he thought I had gotten an invite, and that was the last straw for me. Over the phone, a few days after the 4th, I told him that someone had privately told me at his party that they thought he was talking to someone else - that person being *sarah. We had an hour long talk. He told me that he had gone to dinner and had hung out with *sarah a couple times this summer. He said he wasn't sure if he had feelings for her or not. I accused him of cheating, but he said he didn't try to hide *sarah from me and that he didn't think she was a big deal to me until I mentioned it. He said that he liked the way things were when he and I first started dating. He told me he cares for me and still wants to be with me, but wants to have the freedom to date others and told me I could date others too. I then suggested breaking up for the remainder of the summer and then starting things back up in the fall. He said if we started things between us again this fall, we'd have to start from the beginning. He said he doesn't know what things will be like in the fall, so he's not sure. I also asked him if he honestly still believes that I cheated on him sometime during our relationship and he said yes (and I have no clue why because I would NEVER.. it really hurts me that he believes I would do something like that).

I used to be the girl who thought she could never get hurt, never get attached, yet here I am... heartbroken (the first time I've ever felt like this) and sprung. I miss the good guy who cared... the one I was dating during the school year. The one who didn't want me to be with other people. I don't know what happened... was it the distance? Me? *sarah? All summer ALL I've wanted was for it to be fall so we could see each other regularly again at school and continue our relationship. I don't know what to do. We broke up a week ago and he hasn't called even though he said he would. I know I should leave him be, but I'm scared that if I don't contact him at all that he will forget about me and completely move onto *sarah. I want to win him back so badly... what do I do? How can I make him interested in me again?

[Skell]

Hi Summer,

I understand your pain. It is horrible to have your heart broken but in time you will get over it. I know that means very little now but that is what it takes.

There are many Red Flags here in this relationship. NO TRUST by either party, NO RESPECT, and yes the DISTANCE would have also in my opinion played a part in this.

Plus he has cheated on you. That is quite clear. And I feel the reason he is accusing you of cheating on him is to make him feel less guilt and you feel more guilt.

I'm very very sorry to say this but I can't really see this relationship working. You probably wernt looking for that answer but to tell you otherwise would be crueller in the long run.

But if you really want him back you need to let go and move on. NO CONTACT under any cicumstances. NONE. Got that. You have to make him miss you. Wonder what you are doing.
This will be very hard for you but if you fail in this then you will have no hope of getting him back. Begging, PLEADING, CRYING, LETTERS, TEXTS, EMAILS ETC DO NOT WORK. Trust me. I know from experience. SPACE and time alone does.

In this time you need to work on yourself. Join a gym, work hard at school, work. DATE. Meet new people and try and enjoy your youth.

Maybe he will miss you and realise that this sarah isn't want he was after. Maybe you will realise in time that Tristan isn't what you want.

Right now you have to MOVE ON and leave him be.

And IF you ever get him back you both have massive trust issues that you need to address.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[Wildcat21]

If he cheated on you - WHY ON EARTH would you want him back.

My old saying always rings true - once a cheater - always a cheater!! TThere is also emotional cheating.

The trust thing just doesn't work here.

I don't think you wantr this joker back. SOMETIMES WE ARE IN LOVE WITH THE RELATIONSHIP IDEA - AND NOT THAT PERSON. BELIEVE ME - WILDCAT AHS BEEN THERE.

[talaniman]

No you cannot make someone interested in you. Either they are or they are not. Why would you want this cheater back anyway? How about a good guy who has his stuff together and you love each other. Leave loser boy alone you can do much much better.

[Krs]

Lying is not the key to a relationship, communication and truth is. Initially you should have MADE him believe how faithful and honest you were when you were apart not lie to him by saying you dated to make him jealous and lower yourself to his level.

The problem was getting attached too soon.

What you should do now is concrate on yourself, PLEASE DO THAT.

Ask yourself these questions,
1. you are not 100% sure if he was faithful to you.
2. If he wasn't, then I wouldn't want to trust him as far as I could throw him.
3. People in gerenal forgive, just like you are willing to forgive him if he did cheat BUT can you forget?? That's the question.

Hypetically if you did get back with him, would you trust him? If any argument arose between you, as couples do, they argue, this issue what always arise, and I can't honestly see a happy ending.

Sorry.

[Chery]

Dear, you really did get attached too soon.

After 'pushing' someone away that wanted you exclusively, you turned out doing the same - think about that and why you now want someone who will not want any lasting relationship at all in the near future.

He's out 'testing the waters' and not being very civil about it. He will eventually get a cold shoulder himself and feel the pain.

It's time for you to move on and test some more waters yourself, grow and develop to the fullest without turning out to be an emotional wreck on the way.

Within the next few years, you'll reject and be rejected yourself more times and it depends on how you cope with the situations. Believe me, it's all part of life and learning. One thing you have learned here is that you should not have told him a 'fib' to get a reaction. And that you still let yourself get influenced by gossip. This also showed you that you did not initially trust him enough and were still insecure in the relationship department.

This will eventually change as you work on yourself-confidence and respect.
It's a rough ride, but you'll later be able to look back and accept it all as part of what molds you to who you are.

Stay with us, and we'll help you through the rough periods as much as we can.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

[valinors_sorrow]

Is there a cosmic force in the universe that makes so you get what you give in order to invite you to learn the lesson?

I think its possible...

[fredg]

Hi, summer,
You can't make him interested in you again; either he is or he isn't.
Move on with your life, and meet some new boys. It's tough at first, but gets better. At 64 yrs old, I have learned that there is just someone for you, and you will find him. The trick is to meet all the boys you can. Have dates, smile, and learn about others.
Best of luck, and hang in there.

[Jay_Jay]

Hi summer, you can not make anyone love you regardless of what you may think and feel towards that other person. The sad thing is this is just a fact of life we all have to learn at some point.

From your post as others have said there was NO ! Trust between the two of you I would also question the love this guy had for you too. Now It probley was not a good thing when you lied and said that you had cheated on him as this is just like tipping liter fuel over a burning rag. But on the other hand it is also not right that the dude was texting this other girl in front of your face. Do you really want to spend your time dateing a guy that cheats on you and see's others and can not be up front and honist with you?

IMO I would go for the No Contact rule and leave this guy well alone, and move on with life, Don't make it spoil your summer. Get out with your friends and have some fun.

[winter1637]

Dear Summer,

Let me start by saying that my jaw dropped when I read this because I was and am still in a similar situation and the names sarah and tristan are the same. Even if those were just made up - it was still a little spooky.
Anyway, Tristan doesn't sound like he has a lot of things figured out in life and if he is so wishy washy on this Sarah girl and you, there isn't much you can do. If you push him into something that he is not ready for you will probably end up getting hurt again, but if you remain too passive then you may still get hurt.
The best advice that I can give you is to keep talking with him and have him in your life, but don't let your life revolve around him. Remind him that you are still there, but don't let him use you. Have a little fun being single - go out with your girlfriends and flirt around - you don't have anyone to answer to. If he gets his act together and figures out that you are the one for him and you are still interested in him when this happens, then you need to have complete trust in each other and total honesty. Otherwise, you will start checking each others phones and start fighting and both be unhappy.

Good Luck

[s_cianci]

As Shakespeare would say, "Me thinks thou protests too much!" He seemed to have issues concerning you talking to other guys but had no problem talking to Sarah himself, even after asking you to be exclusive. Despite his hypocrisy and ambivalence, he has one thing going for him and that's his honesty. He told you upfront that he wasn't sure of himself concerning his feelings for you or Sarah. This is obviously something you don't want and rightly so. All things considered I'd just write this one off and move on. Meet and date other people and get involved in your studies and the things that interest you. Don't even try to pick up in the fall from where you left off. It's not worth it and you're only going to get yourself more hurt and angry. I know it's hard at first to let go but with time and pursuing other interests he'll soon be nothing but a distant memory.

[chuff]

I don't think you wantr this joker back. SOMETIMES WE ARE IN LOVE WITH THE RELATIONSHIP IDEA - AND NOT THAT PERSON. BELIEVE ME - WILDCAT AHS BEEN THERE.

Yes this is so true. I have to admit that I usually fall into that category of individual. So this question now goes out to you posters. How can one learn to separate the two?

[JoeCanada76]

I am so tired of hearing these stories. Why do you do this to yourself? Your not to swift. You need to get smart. Leave this person alone. Do not go back. Do not try. Get out. End it. It was already over. Do not go back for punishment, which by the way is your own fault. Let this person move on with Sarah. It is very simple. No going back and forth. None of this stuff. End it. Simple. Its over. You need to stay away from this person and never contact him again.

Goodbye.

[talaniman]

If your miserable, fight a lot, and are so in love, despite the fact the relationship is going nowhere, when you justify bad behavior, or abuse, or mistreatment, this is not love but a unhealthy dependence that needs to be broken. If you take an honest look at what is really going on and just ask yourself is this healthy or not?

[Wildcat21]

I am all for win back - IF you're willing to change and work on yourself first. Also - you need to figure what went wrong. BUT, there too much drama and the fighting - no - move on. And if there is any type of abuse - run!!

[Wildcat21]

I am all for win back - IF you're willing to change and work on yourself first. Also - you need to figure what went wrong. BUT, there too much drama and the fighting - no - move on. And if there is any type of abuse - run!!